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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Moody Bad Tempered Husband

68 replies

PeachyPanda · 26/12/2017 15:01

I already feel guilty for starting this! 🙄 I’ve been with my DH for 20 years now. We have 3 DCs. Tbh he’s always been a bit moody but these last few years have been off the scale! He has no patience with our eldest at all and very little with the other two. He will fly off the handle at anything and thinks I do not descipline them enough. We can never agree on this. He had a very strict upbringing with a dad who used to hit him for discipline, I on the other hand am totally against any kind of physical punishment. The thing is we have good kids, they get glowing school reports every time and they are kind, yes they’re not perfect, they’re messy and they fall out and the oldest really loses it with her dad but overall I think we’ve (or I’ve!) done a good job.
He’s never coped with the kids very well. He tries to be playful sometimes but just seems to wind them up as he won’t stop when they ask him to.
We’ve had a really hard few years, I won’t list it all as it would take too long but basically he ended up having a breakdown really with depression and anxiety. We had to sell our house as he took a minimum wage job from being by a high earner and I had to change jobs so I could earn more. We were skint for a good few years and only got by with help from my family who were life savers. Sometimes we would have no money for 3 weeks on the trot and would have to choose between shopping for food or having fuel to get to work.
This year he seemed to improve, he accepted he needed to change jobs and began looking for something better, he managed to get one a few months ago and our financial situation has improved, not drastically but I can go food shopping without having to add up everything I put in the trolley!
It’s really hard to try and talk to him about things as he just gets angry and storms off. Recently he barely spoke to me for 2 weeks because he was upset I overruled him on something. We had a long chat a few months ago and he says he still feels the same about me as the day he met me but I really don’t see it. I don’t feel it anymore and don’t even know if I love him anymore. When our dog died I was distraught and he couldn’t understand it, he gave me no support. Only my DC did. They hugged me and understood.
He used to be better than this. I had cancer 8 years ago and he was amazing. I try to be tolerant and take into account he has been ill but I’m just miserable half of the time. I have though about splitting up so many times but I wouldn’t be able to afford to stay in the house and I can’t face going back to the begging and borrowing existence we had before. Everytime he starts being nice again I think we are going to be OK and then something else will happen. I guess I don’t want to leave him or I would have gone but maybe it’s just because I’m too tolerant and optimistic. I know it would break him. He doesn’t have any friends or family locally to support him. I was in the toilets yesterday when we were out with the family, trying not to cry as he had been so grumpy with 2 of our kids who were arguing and spilt juice, the 3 things combined just made me feel like I’d had enough. Then this morning he’s back in a good mood and I push it all to the back of my mind again. I really don’t know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
Overthehillsandfaraway8 · 26/12/2017 15:03

He sounds very depressed and like he has a lot of issues he needs to work through. He needs to get into therapy and start addressing these or he is going to bring you all down with him. It's really hard living with someone who is like this, my heart goes out to you.

Original poster
PeachyPanda · 26/12/2017 16:19

Thank you overthehills. He was on medication for a while but he didn’t like it as it interfered with his sex drive so he stopped taking it. He is through the worst of his depression, a few times I thought he was going to end it all! He attended some sort of group therapy, though I think it was more like a course than the people there talking about their own feelings. Even when he was in absolute crisis and the GP had him on high alert he wasn’t offered individual therapy. I’m not even sure he is still depressed, just angry an awful lot of the time. Today he’s being super nice again and I can even hear him trying to control how he’s talking to the kids so he doesn’t do it angrily, but I know it won’t last. 😕

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 26/12/2017 17:43

He needs medicatiion. Sounds like he is running very close to the wire all the time which is exhausting for you. Wait until your dc are teens. Even the most patient will lose it here..but your dh will find it impossible as your dd will challenge him head on. He needs to go back on medication and get some therapy at same time.

Cricrichan · 26/12/2017 18:08

So because of him you've had to sell your house, get your family to help, you and your children are on eggshells in your own home, you've had to stress out over being able to feed your children. This isn't just about you but about your children. They're your priority. Maybe consider him living on his own for a bit or having a trial separation?

glow1984 · 26/12/2017 18:11

I think irrational anger is a symptom of depression.

glow1984 · 26/12/2017 18:13

Oops, I meant to type more

My DP suffers from anxiety and depression, and can get angry very quickly.

I don’t think your OH is not dealing with his the underlying issues. He should be at least taking medication.

glow1984 · 26/12/2017 18:13

*i don’t think your OH is dealing with his underlying issues

😳

WAMS · 26/12/2017 18:34

How old are the children?

My DH is similar and I am currently wondering about what to do.

Numb81 · 26/12/2017 22:20

I am also in a very similar situation. Your post really rings true with me, especially the lack of patience with your eldest child. My DC are 10 and 6. I know in my heart that I cannot put up with his H’s mood swings for much longer as its affecting my mental health.

However, I cannot bare the thought of sharing custody with him. At the moment I can protect the kids from him as much as possible. He doesn’t have a real bond with either of them, but I know for a fact he would want to have them EOW and half school holidays. My DS (10) is the loveliest, kindest boy. H cannot relate to him at all. I am so scared by how damaging it could be for DS to be left with him regularly.

Is it better to remain in a situation like this to stay and protect your children but lose yourself in the process, or to separate knowing your children will not be well cared for and probably feel the brunt of his moods?

aftertheevent · 27/12/2017 15:25

Just pointing out that physical punishment for children is now illegal.

addlebrained · 27/12/2017 15:44

OP and numb - I feel so similarly to you both. My DH moods and irrational anger has been wearing me down for years and I don’t know how long I can put up with it. It is hard to know what to do because of the children. I have tried to have ‘the chat’ to end things but the next day it was as if we had never had it and I was left realising he won’t call it quits easily.

Has anyone reading this been in a similar situation and either resolved things or separated? Each day I can argue either way and it’s exhausting!!!

heinztomatosoup · 27/12/2017 15:56

OP straight way before half way through your post I thought "depression". We have been through similar; angry, moody, short tempered husband. It was making me feel depressed and I thought about leaving.

Thankfully he managed to access CBT counselling initially through work and now via bupa and he's so much better, it's like a different man, back to how he was years ago. Underlying problems still there but the way he thinks and reacts has changed.

Strongly urge you to get him back to the doctors, on meds if necessary and into counselling of whatever sort.

heinztomatosoup · 27/12/2017 15:57

Totally sympathise with how hard it is for you living with this.

BibbleBabble777 · 27/12/2017 16:40

My God PeacyPanda and WAMS - me too.

I'm sorry you're going through the same things. The shifting moods and taking it out on the DCs is EXACTLY what my DH does.

I'll be watching this thread because I don't know what to do either.

I did ask a relationship counsellor for advice - and they told me he is emotionally abusive and I should go to Women's Aid (because there's no point going for counselling together if he won't accept he needs to work on things). Maybe that's a route for you too.

OP, we're not melodramatic or emotional - like they tell us. We have a perfectly valid opinion and there are people who can help us (and we're on here for you too) Thanks

addlebrained · 27/12/2017 17:49

It is such an emotional rollercoaster as one minute you’re prepared to walk out the door (well, if there weren’t any DC’s!) and the next you feel like you e made it all up in your head! But it is real and it is part of depression/anxiety, and that is what I struggle with as I know it’s not actually the ‘real’ him but you can’t make them better yourself...Xmas Sad

BibbleBabble777 · 27/12/2017 19:08

That's what I struggle with. How can one person behave in such opposite ways?

The fact they can be the lovely DH you got together with is a real headf@&k. As is trying to understand how they can "love" you and their DCs but treat us and our feelings with such contempt

addlebrained · 27/12/2017 20:47

I agree. I wish there was more support for spouses of people with these conditions. It’s so hard to know what to do - you feel guilty whatever you decide you should do! And (as said before) its so hard to know what is right for the kids.

Mine get shouted at by DH all the time and in the last few months I have been so exhausted even I am shouting and snapping at them for just being little excited people! I think my mental health is at an all time low now and don’t know what it will take to make a final decision - it worries me sometimes

BibbleBabble777 · 27/12/2017 21:41

addlebrained I'm sorry you've had a rough few months. It's hard when the kids are the target. And they often are misbehaving, so you're torn between needing to tell them off but also calming DH down.

I was really surprised that Women's Aid took me seriously (they replied today). Maybe that's where we can go for help. Good luck!

Numb81 · 27/12/2017 23:40

OP, addlebrained and all - I’m so sorry there are many of us going through this. Everything you are all saying is so true - emotional rollercoaster, headf**k, walking on eggshells one day, then thinking you’ve imagined it all or overreacted the next day. What is the solution though? I don’t know anymore.

BibbleBabble777 · 28/12/2017 11:03

I rowed with my DH on Boxing Day night and he stomped off upstairs at about 9pm. I decided there was no point talking anymore - so I emailed him trying to set out my thoughts in a calm and reasonable way.

He still hasn't mentioned it. Not spoken about it. Not replied.

He must have seen it. Clearly my concerns (and those of the DCs) just aren't worth his time.

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 28/12/2017 11:12

Brew I'm feeling very similar this morning OP. I don't know the answer either Sad

LearnFromThePast · 28/12/2017 11:17

My father was like this and it ruined my childhood. We never had any idea which father was going to walk through the door, so we were always tense. Honestly, he needs medication and more therapy and if he refuses, I would start looking at your options for building a life without him. Kids notice a lot more than you think and it will have a bigger impact than you realise

lanbro · 28/12/2017 11:35

My stbxh was like this, possibly did suffer from depression but never sought any help. I left him 2 months ago after finally admitting to myself that I just didn't love him anymore.

It was tough on him, no argument preceeded my decision so he found it hard to understand. He looks back at the good times and conveniently forgets all the awful times. After doing very little for our dc since they were born he has now stepped up to the mark and we have the dc 50/50. Too little too late for the relationship but the dc are benefiting from a better relationship with their father.

I'm 100% sure of my decision and know that I needed to come to the decision myself, in my own time but realistically the relationship should have ended 3 years ago.

It really depends how unhappy you are. For me the financial difficulties, we own 2 businesses together, and the sorting of practicalities were bearable things to overcome compared to the thought of continuing to be unhappy

addlebrained · 01/01/2018 22:38

Happy New Year all x

lanbro - thanks for that. That has given me a lot to think about.

We have already (previously) had conversations about ending things and I worry that he wouldn’t actually step up to the mark at all and see the DCs. In fact, I’m more concerned I couldn’t actually leave because he would make me feel too guilty, but if I did he has previously said he would probably drink himself into an early grave...

I keep thinking that it’s ‘unfair’ to leave someone suffering with depression and anxiety because it’s not their fault, and it’s not him being horrible, but the disease doing it. Is that naive?!

user764329056 · 01/01/2018 22:51

Sounds like you’re all living in really miserable situations, I know OP you said you can’t go back to the begging and borrowing if before but what price peace of mind? I truly had nothing to my name in terms of assets, finance, etc, when I left ex but would rather be penniless than trying to stay in a ruined relationship or a relationship that could ruin you and your children, surely how things are now is unsustainable and you must be suffering terribly mentally under the strain?