Moody Bad Tempered Husband

[PeachyPanda]

I already feel guilty for starting this! 🙄 I’ve been with my DH for 20 years now. We have 3 DCs. Tbh he’s always been a bit moody but these last few years have been off the scale! He has no patience with our eldest at all and very little with the other two. He will fly off the handle at anything and thinks I do not descipline them enough. We can never agree on this. He had a very strict upbringing with a dad who used to hit him for discipline, I on the other hand am totally against any kind of physical punishment. The thing is we have good kids, they get glowing school reports every time and they are kind, yes they’re not perfect, they’re messy and they fall out and the oldest really loses it with her dad but overall I think we’ve (or I’ve!) done a good job.
He’s never coped with the kids very well. He tries to be playful sometimes but just seems to wind them up as he won’t stop when they ask him to.
We’ve had a really hard few years, I won’t list it all as it would take too long but basically he ended up having a breakdown really with depression and anxiety. We had to sell our house as he took a minimum wage job from being by a high earner and I had to change jobs so I could earn more. We were skint for a good few years and only got by with help from my family who were life savers. Sometimes we would have no money for 3 weeks on the trot and would have to choose between shopping for food or having fuel to get to work.
This year he seemed to improve, he accepted he needed to change jobs and began looking for something better, he managed to get one a few months ago and our financial situation has improved, not drastically but I can go food shopping without having to add up everything I put in the trolley!
It’s really hard to try and talk to him about things as he just gets angry and storms off. Recently he barely spoke to me for 2 weeks because he was upset I overruled him on something. We had a long chat a few months ago and he says he still feels the same about me as the day he met me but I really don’t see it. I don’t feel it anymore and don’t even know if I love him anymore. When our dog died I was distraught and he couldn’t understand it, he gave me no support. Only my DC did. They hugged me and understood.
He used to be better than this. I had cancer 8 years ago and he was amazing. I try to be tolerant and take into account he has been ill but I’m just miserable half of the time. I have though about splitting up so many times but I wouldn’t be able to afford to stay in the house and I can’t face going back to the begging and borrowing existence we had before. Everytime he starts being nice again I think we are going to be OK and then something else will happen. I guess I don’t want to leave him or I would have gone but maybe it’s just because I’m too tolerant and optimistic. I know it would break him. He doesn’t have any friends or family locally to support him. I was in the toilets yesterday when we were out with the family, trying not to cry as he had been so grumpy with 2 of our kids who were arguing and spilt juice, the 3 things combined just made me feel like I’d had enough. Then this morning he’s back in a good mood and I push it all to the back of my mind again. I really don’t know what to do anymore.

Such a long time since I posted this and I'm just re-reading and thinking Oh my God I have got nowhere at all with this! I did try to have a big talk with him and it was all about him at that point, he got upset and and said he didn't want a divorce and had I made my mind up and some part of me thought, I have to give him a chance, and I said no I haven't even though inside I had. Anyway we had a couple of week of improvement, now we are back to angry man with the kids, but he's being a lot more helpful around the house. I don't think his anger will change. I've come to realise it is who he is. I'm actually sitting down tonight to go through finances and decide if I can make a break. Still on the damn rollercoaster of things being nice when he's in a good mood though. Addledbrained, Prosecco how did you get on?

Hi Peacy he needs to deal with the childhood abuse he suffered and attend psychotherapy. My father was a disciplinarian and it severely damaged all off us.
Your boys will think this is how you treat woman and your daughter maybe scared of men.
Is he like this with any one else.? I doubt it.
He expect things to be done “his way” - your problems for you and your children will increase dramatically when they become teenagers.
If he’s hitting the children it is illegal and if they tell anyone social services will visit.
You need flexibility as a parent and your husband is to rigid.
I hope you can financially afford to leave him or start divorce proceedings.
These men are bloody kill joys.
I never had a happy Christmas.
You will all breath when he’s gone.
I wish you well.

Peachy

He does not want to divroce because he likes having you around to abuse and ill treat.

Make the break, do not be in this same position in a year's time. You've wasted a further year on this man and such men do not change. What is now preventing you from making a final break?. I ask that because if you can express those fears, others can help you overcome those. Go through your finances with a fine tooth comb and make the break anyway.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from the two of you?.

Abusive men also are not nasty all the time; what you saw from him recently was basically a continuation of the nice/nasty cycle such types do. He has now reverted to type; abusing you and in turn your kids again. You are continuing to modify your own behaviours in a vain attempt to not set him off.

Its not your fault he has decided to conduct his own private based war against you. This is who he is; an abusive man who also hates women, all of them.

Mary, no you are absolutely right, he is not like this with anybody else although not much of one to socialise either.
Attila it's complicated (I know it always is) he kind of has me up on a pedestal and yet won't listen to me over the children. He can be really supportive, like at the moment I'm trying to make a big life decision over changing jobs again, and it's him who I turn to discuss such things. Even though he can be so bad tempered he has been my companion for over 20 years. And yet I know I would prefer holidays without him as me and the kids would have a better time , I like it when he goes away with work. It's taken me such a long time to get to the point where I truly know the kids, and I, would be emotionally better off without him.

But truthfully I'm scared of having no money again, we already struggle every month, we can't just go to the pictures or buy the kids new clothes, my car is falling apart around me, I had to put it's MOT on my Visa but don't know how I'll pay it off. How can we run 2 homes?

The new job I am looking at is a lot more money but also a lot more hours, going from term time to all year, so if I do it we will be a lot better off but I will lose precious time with my kids, and should I do it if I'm going to be a lone parent?

It's taken me years to get to the point where I know I'd be happier without him but somehow I can't make that final push as I still keep having doubts. I love my children more than anything though. I know I also need to do what's right for them.

You'd be happier without him and that says it all really. Better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied.

You are married to this person and thus have rights in law in terms of a financial settlement. You cannot stay because of lifestyle or financial concerns, besides which those are already present.

He is supportive only when he sees it of benefit for him to be so. Do not let a lifestyle nor the sunken costs fallacy (I was reminded of him when you stated he has been your companion for two decades) keep you within such a relationship. The sunken costs fallacy causes people also to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

Is this really the role model of a relationship you also want to be modelling to your children?. Would you want them to have a relationship like this as adults, no you would not. Its not good enough for you either frankly.

Do not be in the same position in a further year's time. Seek legal advice and find out the legalities. After all knowledge is power.

I was on the original thread but have name-changed.

In terms of update, I have taken legal & financial advice, but need to get myself in a better position (by increasing hours permanently) so that it's economically viable for me to go it alone. I've also had counselling on my own & discovered I have co-dependant traits, which I am working on.

I've sadly come to the conclusion that his depression is not getting better (despite medication, psychotherapy, time off sick) - and he has now lost his job through it. I realised I couldn't keep doing it all indefinitely. I told him I wasn't up for working f/t, doing all childcare/household stuff & being the sole earner. So he knows.

But I'll have to make the decision as he certainly won't. And the consequences are huge.

@TheEndofIt are you the OP who has name changed? There was a previous comment about affording 2 homes. You don't have to worry about that, you just have to afford one home for you and your kids. He will have to sort himself out.
It is hard being a single parent but some of the burden of being in a couple like this is lifted and you may not have thought of it. I will list:
Food bill drops significantly- most men eat a lot more than women
Amount of laundry drops significantly
Kitchen left clean on departure to work is clean on your return.
No need to conform to rigid ideas of family life: if you and the kids want to eat a pizza on the sofa whilst watching a movie there's no one to tell you you can't.
Your money is your own and your budget cannot be sabotaged by someone else's selfish spending (do not underestimate this).
This is all before we even get to the burden of all the emotional work you are doing for your husband.

I’m so sorry op, you sound like me a few years ago, on my birthday we took the dc out and it was all I could do not to cry all day as I was so fed up. Looking back I think I might have been depressed as a result of him. However he did me a favour and did something inexcusable so I kicked him out, it was the biggest relief in my life. Despite being skint, me and the dc are soooo much happier, and they have a much better relationship with him as they only see him eow and he now makes an effort with them.

Feeling a bit fed up this morning, went through all the finances last night with a friend of mine who is a financial advisor. Even if I take the new job and get the top whack and he pays the maintenance he is supposed to, I will still be £1000 a month short, and that’s taking all his costs out of the equation. And that really is with fairly basic spending, as it is now, no luxeries. Right now I feel trapped. She suggested going for the new job and if I get it putting aside an escape fund but that could take forever.

@ohamIreally - no, not the OP.

Unfortunately I am not able to afford the house we live in (have seen IFA & lawyer) so need to sell up & move areas. DP has just lost his job, so can't rely on him for maintenance.

So I need to get a new job or increased permanent hours; I work in a small profession in a niche role so that takes time.

I know I can manage without him easily in terms of running a home, family life etc.

But I need the economics to add up so that I can put a roof over our head. Currently, I can borrow 66K for a mortgage; that won't get me & 2DC a garage!

Also you can’t escape the nature/nurture theory. It all goes back to how you were brought up yourselves. I was physically disciplined when young, yet consider I had an ok childhood. I was Young when I had my first and I just followed on with how I had been raised as I didn’t know any different. It was only by being around other mothers that I learnt that there were other ways of teaching your child the difference between right and wrong.

Did your friend take into account any benefits that you may be entitled to OP? E.g tax credits, single persons discount on council tax?

A friend of mine went to FA and had the same outcome. Also on the entitled page no benefits due to the equity in their house.

I don’t think it’s always as easy as LTB

Absolutely, unless you are a high earner, inherited wealth etc. House prices are scary; it's not the actual day to day bills - it's the high cost of property which really impacts on choices.

Hello everyone. Hi. @PeachyPanda

Pleased to find you all again - was on here last year but name-changed (not very originally...since) Sad we're still feeling the same, but you all express how it is so well that it makes me stronger. I'm not imagining it!!

For us, there has been progress. We've been going to counselling for most of the year and he is much less moody and angry. And he is significantly better with the kids.

But. He took months of counselling to finally admit how moody he had been, and acknowledge the effect on me. And up till then kept he rejecting/criticising what I saw. It was really horrible. And I don't trust his 'sudden' transformation. Why was he so horrible to me (us) in the past? What's really changed - apart from the realisation we might split? How is he going to ensure he doesn't slip back into the same ways?

I feel guilty/worry I'm stuck in the past. But I just feel so hurt by everything that's happened over the years.

He's mentioned anxiety as a factor recently. But he doesn't think he needs any counselling or pills. Feels like he's using it as an excuse.

We definitely have a shared problem, just a shame there isn’t any easy answers! It sounds good Namechanged (I like it 🤣) that you’ve accessed counselling and he’s made some changes but sounds like you might be in the same place as me, ie already gone too far to realistically make your way back to rebuilding the relationship. Has the love gone? I think mine has. That said I’m going to have to make the best of it for now. How did you access counselling? I’d like to look at that, at least to improve things for the kids.

@PeachyPanda - I think the love has gone for me too. Unfortunately there have been too many years living with a disengaged, angry partner who has not pulled his weight in terms of family life. The resentment & responsibility has killed my love for him. Sadly, I feel more like his mother & just don't have the feelings to continue.

I had hoped when our situation improved (when he went back to work having been off/part-time for 1-2years)- that we could begin to do nice things & it would take the pressure off.

But he's now just lost his job again through mental health & I just feel done. I need to get myself into a better financial position though.

and for all in this crappy situation.