Moody Bad Tempered Husband

[PeachyPanda]

I already feel guilty for starting this! 🙄 I’ve been with my DH for 20 years now. We have 3 DCs. Tbh he’s always been a bit moody but these last few years have been off the scale! He has no patience with our eldest at all and very little with the other two. He will fly off the handle at anything and thinks I do not descipline them enough. We can never agree on this. He had a very strict upbringing with a dad who used to hit him for discipline, I on the other hand am totally against any kind of physical punishment. The thing is we have good kids, they get glowing school reports every time and they are kind, yes they’re not perfect, they’re messy and they fall out and the oldest really loses it with her dad but overall I think we’ve (or I’ve!) done a good job.
He’s never coped with the kids very well. He tries to be playful sometimes but just seems to wind them up as he won’t stop when they ask him to.
We’ve had a really hard few years, I won’t list it all as it would take too long but basically he ended up having a breakdown really with depression and anxiety. We had to sell our house as he took a minimum wage job from being by a high earner and I had to change jobs so I could earn more. We were skint for a good few years and only got by with help from my family who were life savers. Sometimes we would have no money for 3 weeks on the trot and would have to choose between shopping for food or having fuel to get to work.
This year he seemed to improve, he accepted he needed to change jobs and began looking for something better, he managed to get one a few months ago and our financial situation has improved, not drastically but I can go food shopping without having to add up everything I put in the trolley!
It’s really hard to try and talk to him about things as he just gets angry and storms off. Recently he barely spoke to me for 2 weeks because he was upset I overruled him on something. We had a long chat a few months ago and he says he still feels the same about me as the day he met me but I really don’t see it. I don’t feel it anymore and don’t even know if I love him anymore. When our dog died I was distraught and he couldn’t understand it, he gave me no support. Only my DC did. They hugged me and understood.
He used to be better than this. I had cancer 8 years ago and he was amazing. I try to be tolerant and take into account he has been ill but I’m just miserable half of the time. I have though about splitting up so many times but I wouldn’t be able to afford to stay in the house and I can’t face going back to the begging and borrowing existence we had before. Everytime he starts being nice again I think we are going to be OK and then something else will happen. I guess I don’t want to leave him or I would have gone but maybe it’s just because I’m too tolerant and optimistic. I know it would break him. He doesn’t have any friends or family locally to support him. I was in the toilets yesterday when we were out with the family, trying not to cry as he had been so grumpy with 2 of our kids who were arguing and spilt juice, the 3 things combined just made me feel like I’d had enough. Then this morning he’s back in a good mood and I push it all to the back of my mind again. I really don’t know what to do anymore.

It's always depression when a man is being out of order isn't it? It can never be that they're just horrible. I see threads on women displaying abhorrent behaviour and it's very"they're just a bitch".

Never mind traumatised upset children in an inappropriately angry home environment. Or worn down wives who bend over backwards to make everything ok even when they've had a tough time themselves.

Bloody sick of men getting a pass for bullying. Please stop excusing nasty behaviour there are a LOT of depressed people out there who DON'T behave like this. As intrinsically they are and were decent people.

If he won't get off his arse and actively get help then he should leave. What about the kids? They've not got choices to but you have, OP. You could prioritise them over him.

You had to sell your house as he took a minimum wage job..then you had to get another higher earning job to bail you all out and YOUR family helped? FFS....

I hope you don't end up paying the ultimate price of "Mother Martyr". DCs grow up and bail out asap barely to visit, if ever, and don't bring their future DCs round either. They won't buy that you stayed with him "for their sake" they see it as you stayed for your own sake because you wanted the lifestyle so put up with the anger.

You'll be stuck in misery with Mr Angry. Just you, and him. Growing old together. Hope he's worth it.

I recognise all of the above, your reasons to stay, leave, try to repair etc...
I asked my clearly depressed and nasty tempered H to go see the doc and have counselling with me. He went twice then said counselling wasn't for him, was pointless.
He went to doc, was prescribed ADs but then after 4 days when he'd told his mum, he wisely took her advice (along the lines of, "there's nothing wrong with you, it's all Mrs Teabay who's weird...") and threw them away cos they didn't work. The vodka wasn't a problem, apparently...

So after 17 years and with two DC aged 5 & 9 I left him and divorced him.

It was the HARDEST time in my life, but I'm SO INCREDIBLY GLAD I got my DC out of there. They actually BREATHED OUT when we moved into our rented home..

Two years on - you might be where we are - happy, relaxed, and the children are thriving and sailing through school (even the school noticed how happy they are now - no more eggshells!)

Be brave, you sound like you already know what you want to do.

That’s great Teabay! Good for you!

How did you know when the balance had tipped enough for you to get that final push to leave though? Was it a build up to that moment, or a sudden single thing that pushed you to leave?

Am sitting with DH now and he is being his ‘normal’ self and laughing and chatting and just being nice - but last night it was a different story...

Having exactly the same thing addlebrained. It's a complete headfeck.

Not sure if anyone still following this thread but wondered if anyone might join a support thread for people in our situation?!

I have literally nobody to actually tell all of this to in RL (part shame I have put up with it so long and part not wanting to wear out my friends - worried I might not be able to stop once I start!!)

I would join a support thread. Mentally I am rock bottom. Recognise much of what has been said in this thread and feel so trapped I feel short of breath. After an incident the other week I literally felt a pressure on top of my head as if I was being pushed downward into the ground. My partner deflects all his behaviour onto me to quite ridiculous levels...he doesn't own his behaviour at all. I really fear the impact on my kids of either staying or going. I am so lonely.

I’ve got out of a situation like this. We are approaching five years now, life is completely different. It was tough because he literally just packed a bag and went without so much of a bye-or-leave. After 10 years of putting up with his shit and holding everything together I felt he might have more to say. Just shows it’s not worth it. For about six months the sun literally shone brighter. Kids were more relaxed. Life now is completely different. The kids accept what is. We are both in new settled relationships (he lives with her, I still just live with the kids). I am now role modelling a mother who looks after herself (that’s a priceless lesson for your kids) and good, decent relationship. I would have gone under had I stayed. It isn’t worth it. to you all. Be brave in 2018 and shape your own life for the sake of you and your kids.

Thanks hipster — glad to hear all worked out well for you!
Theadora - I know that feeling well... yesterday was a good day and I felt positive again (despite telling myself not to) and today we are back to arsehole-dom again

What is so frustrating is knowing the old me would never have put up with this! But the new me is deflated and tired and wrinkly, and also has children. I want to be happy in my head that I can support them as we are far away from family and I can’t move as we have moved twice in the last 4 years and most recently in the last 6 months. All for him of course... 😡
I just need to reach the stage with the final push to make me jump...

Similar situation here; DP with recurrent depression. Couldn't pay the mortgage last year, have struggled financially & am currently feeling more like his mummy (sorting everything out) than partner. He hadn't pulled his weight in terms of family life or round the house. Hasn't supported me for years. All take & no give. It has utterly killed my feelings for him.

I'm about to have counselling on my own to help me decide what to do. There will inevitably be another episode of depression again & I'm not sure I've got it in me to do it again.

So sad to hear others are living like this too

He's had medication, but has he had counselling? Or any sort of professional help?
Who gave him the medication? The GP, or was he referred to a specialist?

prosecco

It is such an isolating situation to be in - difficult to speak to anyone about IRL. I’m working on my DH to get him to go to therapy but as each day goes by I wonder what the point is in terms of our relationship. I hope he does so he can help his relationship with the boys tho

Love to all to get through today. I emailed Relate last night. I want to get to a pivotal point rather than endless drifting. Deflated tired and wrinkly is EXACTLY how I feel and also that need for things to come to a head. This morning he brought me a cup of tea and wanted to apologize AGAIN. I have to accept because if I challenge or try to talk about his behaviour it just blows up again...in front of the kids. They have mastered the sneaky eye roll and I call him Mr Chuckles to the kids to try an make a joke of things. But just writing this all down here and reading back is making see how long I have put my head in the sand. I hope we can have a support group for each other and maybe all work through our problems together.

Ups, sorry, I should have read the second post better. I'd insist with the GP as whatever he has is severy affecting his family life and work. Did you attend his appointment? He may have not been totally honest with the GP.

Christ.

Yet again that old line depression is trotted out. Ah the poor man... he’s depressed.

Is he treating your neighbour like this? His boss? His friends? Being a twat to his doctor? His colleagues? His mother?

Thought not.

He’s just plain horrible. Depressed people don’t rule with a rod of fear and bad temper you know. They don’t just give someone the silent treatment for a fortnight because you dared to overrule them. Stop making excuses for him , stop enabling him and tell him to get help as he’s in the last chance saloon.

Above all else, don’t let him be a dick to your children

That's why a specialist is important. It either rules out or treats depression (or whatever he has) and then the OP can see what's left and decide what to do.

I don’t think it’s unfair to leave him. It’s not his fault he has a mental health problem but ultimately he’s the only one who can sort it out.

I grew up with an angry alcoholic dad who eventually left. It was better without him. Much better. I saw him only once in the 30years since he left.

I am a single parent who also split up with my dc father who also had alcohol issues . It’s hard but I manage and it’s better than being with him. I do worry about him, but try to think what good does that do? He needs to deal with his issues and I can’t do it for him.

You’re not responsible for him and it sounds like he is making life hard for the kids. Maybe if you split it might make him engage with help? Sometimes if someone is trying to get you to get help, that can make people react against it.

I actually agree with Charlottesomet1mes

As wives and mothers we are so used to facilitating and enabling everyone in the house when actually with one fell swoop you and your kids’ lives will improve significantly.

Depressed does not excuse checking out of family life and behaving horribly to your spouse. Do not confuse the two.

Less ‘oh what does he need, what will he do, is it unfair, will he see the kids’

More ‘what can I now do to improve the lot of me and my kids’

NEVER underestimate the importance to your kids of you actually being a happy person. This to them is a gift. Truly.

I hear what you’re saying hipster but the worry is that things might not be better! I worry about money and about then being tied to his access rights to the children. About having no pleasant moments with my children’s father at all - just hostility at every contact. And many other worries I can’t go on about at the moment.

Of course, I could be worrying unnecessarily but it’s a fear of the unknown. I’m just trying to work that out before I can completely confidently follow though with plans. I want to be confident so I don’t confuse the kids. And I crave a bit of support really...

‘and I crave a bit of support really’

This is the self sabotaging clincher which holds you back.

You can support yourself. You can be your own best friend.

Obviously you choose your own path, but I would say get yourself into therapy, boost your own confidence and make plans to exit...

Thanks hipster - I meant from the thread really but I agree I need to do it on my own.

For me, if I was to leave tomorrow (or ask him to), the implications are huge:

1. Raising my children in poverty
2. Selling home & having to move somewhere with different school catchments (meaning moving school for DS) & worse childcare.
3. Don't think I could rely on him for maintenance (he's been off sick/unpaid/part-time) - childcare is £70 daily.

I get really pissed off when people trot out "just leave him" - really?! And live off thin air?!!

Prosecco - this is exactly why I don’t tell my friends as that is what they would say too! It is trying to work out how/when to go that is the point isn’t it?

I have spoken to some friends (who don't have children) and their view was: "Oh god, that's awful, I don't know what to say to you". Or another (in a secure, happy marriage) who said: "things will get better".

So I'm hoping some professional advice will help me with a bit more clarity.

Prosecco - have you started the counselling yet? Good luck with it.

Or another (in a secure, happy marriage) who said: "things will get better".

It can also go very wrong.