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Original poster

Desperately want to get away from my partner

67 replies

Freshstart2018 · 26/12/2017 12:10

Background:

My partner is pretty much abusive to me in all aspects.
We have been together for 3 years and have a 2 year old DD. I am 23 and he is 30.

I have been biding my time, planning and dreaming of leaving him for a year now. He controls me in all aspects of my life, hurts me physically when I try to stand up to him, constantly accuses me of cheating, doesn't let me have friends, is very jealous, aggressive, takes my money etc. The list is endless and anyone reading would say what I already know- Leave

However, I decided to wait it out. I completed my degree and gained a decent paid job. I worked on bettering myself and focusing on my daughter. I did what I could to please him so that I could live a peaceful life. It worked up until last week. I saw he had been messaging a girl who is still inlove with him from years ago (god knows why). He was leading her on, stroking his ego. But it wasn't heartbreaking for me, it was gold! It meant I had a legitimate excuse to leave. I packed my stuff and took our DD and went to my Dads. I told him I wanted him gone asap. However, he wouldn't leave of course. Came to my dads and begged to talk/explain. Put me in his car and drove home. He pinned me down on the bed, crying, begging and pleading me not to leave him. It was all pathetic really. When he saw I wasn't giving in he grabbed a knife from the kitchen and screamed that he was going to stab himself. He pushed it against his stomach which was obviously horrible to watch and I pleaded him to stop and managed to get out of the house and back to my dads. He of course did no damage to himself in regards to the knife.. It was just to scare me. But for a second it did work. Eventually I went back home. I threatened to ring the police unless he agreed to leave me alone, sleep in separate beds for a short while over xmas before he sorts himself another place to stay. He started waking me up in the night. I was disorientated but he would start having sex with me anyway and I felt exhausted every morning. He then started acting like the perfect partner, cleaning, cooking, being overly nice to DD. All so fake and it didn't last long. He is back to his talking down to me ways now he thinks all is forgiven. I just cannot live like this any longer and despite him thinking we are back together I am planning to leave.

Now here lies my problem. I want to move away from the dreadful home I live in now. Away from him and the bad memories.
I have secretly saved for a deposit to get a mortgage for somewhere decent for me and my DD. The only problem is I have a bad credit score due to him making me take pay day loans out almost 3 years ago now. At the time I was pregnant and homeless and he persuaded me it was our only option.
I couldn't afford to pay these loans back as i had zero money at the time. I wasn't even entitled to any benefits until I was a certain amount of weeks pregnant. This left a number of defaults on my credit score. Since then, I have worked and studied hard for my DD. I have had no other debt and no missed payments etc. I have been desperately trying to improve my credit score- but to no avail! These defaults are really impacting my chance at a fresh start. Any application for a mortgage is pr9bably going to get rejected. Even privately renting will be a struggle if I had to choose that route. Its so frustrating as I have been treated sooo badly in the last few years by him. I'm a shell of who I used to be. I feel nervous all the time. I feel like i'm being watched if that makes sense. I don't know what to do or who can help me. Does anyone have any advice in regards to moving forwards with my life?

If it helps he is known for his abusive tendencies and has been in prison before due to what he did to an ex...
I honestly think he is capable of anything and i'm terrified. I dream every night of a cosy little home.. just me and my DD. I have dreamed of how I would decorate each room, our daily routine, the calmness..

I feel stuck with this credit score issue. I don't know what to do next. Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thank you in advance x.

Ps merry xmas x

OP posts:
Mirrormirrorotw · 26/12/2017 12:30

If it were me I'd not worry about the mortgage. Instead I'd be using the deposit to offer to pay 6 months rent up front (I'm guessing your reference to privately renting being difficult is in relation to the past defaults). Is there someone who can also act as a guarantor for you?

Just get yourself out of there ASAP.

Quartz2208 · 26/12/2017 12:31

Report him to the police

Original poster
Freshstart2018 · 26/12/2017 12:32

Hi thanks for your reply. Yes I was thinking that just renting for a year or two whilst everything calms down would be a wiser option. But I have no'one who would be a guarantor for me either. Just feel stuck at the moment!

OP posts:
Original poster
Freshstart2018 · 26/12/2017 12:34

I just want to move away so badly. The doors are punched in. The area isn't nice. Just so many bad memories. A fresh start away from him/the house would be perfect!

OP posts:
StellaHeyStella · 26/12/2017 12:34

I'm sorry this is happening in your life right now OP.
I just wanted to come on and say that private renting can be possible with a less than perfect credit score. It's well worth contacting agencies, being upfront and honest about your credit score situation and then they can contact landlords individually to ask if they would consider an application from you. This worked very well recently for a friend.
You sound very determined and strong at heart, you are only 23 and have the potential for a wonderful and for-filling future with your DC.
You will succeed in leaving this man but I think you may need some help. Have you spoken to Women's Aid and could your dad help you more perhaps?

Original poster
Freshstart2018 · 26/12/2017 12:37

Thanks for your reply Stella x. I will definitely try that. And I haven't spoken to womens aid before, not really sure how they could help if i'm honest. My dad has enough problems of his own so I hate having him worry. I usually paint on a smile and pretend everything is okay. His house is tiny but is always somewhere for me and DD to go in emergencies x

OP posts:
onlyjustaboutnearly · 26/12/2017 12:53

Phone women's aid. They can move you in to a refuge where he won't be able to find you. Or go to your dad's and call the police if he appears. Call the police and report him for everything he has done to you. If he is happy to beat you and brandish a knife on himself, it won't be long till he takes that knife to you

yetmorecrap · 26/12/2017 14:25

Virtually all private rental referencing only shows up any CCJs, not defaults

TooManyPaws · 26/12/2017 14:32

Get in touch with your local authority housing department as well as the police. They can find you somewhere to stay even temporarily. I don't know where you live but around here LAs have "scatter flats" for temporary accommodation and victims of domestic violence would certainly qualify. They also have a duty to house children at risk though what you will get depends on the situation in your area. They can move you to another area where your partner doesn't know where you are. The police can also act in conjunction with the local authority to protect you.

Coyoacan · 26/12/2017 16:32

Could your dad take out a mortgage for you? And yes, you could think of a refuge for the moment.

Original poster
Freshstart2018 · 26/12/2017 16:33

Thank you for the replies. Some really useful info which I appreciate. It's definitely not going to be an easy process but aslong as i'm prepared and ready hopefully me and DD will be okay. I honestly believe he is capable of anything which is what scares me the most.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 26/12/2017 16:42

Please contact Womens Aid. They will be able to help. You are exactly the kind of person who they exist to help.

It comes across that you don't think your problems are "bad enough" to bother anyone with them (eg your dad.) But then you say you believe that he's capable of anything. Don't you think that's bad enough to need help?

What do you think your dad would prefer - some stress and worry right now, but peace of mind in the future that you are okay - or a dead daughter and a dead granddaughter?

Accountant222 · 26/12/2017 16:50

Get out now, no excuses before you become a statistic.

This bastard will do you and DD serious harm or worse.

Police now.

Original poster
Freshstart2018 · 26/12/2017 16:54

I know thank you all. I will definitely speak to womens aid. It's just ashame I have worked so hard to save a deposit to move somewhere better for my DD and I but it seems that my only option now is moving to a place of safety like a refuge until I get housed into wherever the council can put us- which I would be very grateful for but it just seems my endless saving was all for nothing. Grr he can even ruin my life when I plan on getting away from me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Freshstart2018 · 26/12/2017 16:56

Aslong as I do as i'm told. Not look in another mans direction and live to please him i'm safe. It's when I start to stand up for myself and try to get away when he becomes violent/aggressive. That's when I'll most likely need the police.

OP posts:
Original poster
Freshstart2018 · 26/12/2017 17:41

.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/12/2017 18:07

Absolutely woman's aid, they will help protect you and DD. You will still have your deposit, you can rent in socialise housing relatively inexpensively whilst your credit rating improves.

Thanks
cestlavielife · 26/12/2017 18:13

If you have few months 'rent up front then rent. Credit check should be fine unless a ccj.

You must call the police next time anything happens. This is do there is a record. Anything at all any suicide threat or pinning you down.

cestlavielife · 26/12/2017 18:14

Just look for a small flat you ca n share bedroom with dd for now.

littlewhitething · 26/12/2017 18:15

Get onto womans aid asap. The refugeS are well run, have kitchens. Washing machine machines etc and you can be as social pr anti as you like. They will help with benefits, housing etc. Been there, done it, twice. I always pickef the wrong men!

jedenfalls · 26/12/2017 18:19

Apologies if this has been mentioned but you don't need a guarantors if you have a lumpsum cash

We had this a few years ago, our hose was flooded and we needed a rental. Insurers gave us the 6months rent upfront. The agent said that was enough and we didn't need any reference or guarantor.

Hope you get our soon op

X

glow1984 · 26/12/2017 18:20

Lettings agents referencing will only bring up public information (CCJs, babkruptcies and IVAs).

But, even if you have a CCJ, you might still be able to get a property. It depends on the landlord a lot of the time. Offer the 6 months upfront if you are experiencing an issue with referencing.

Original poster
Freshstart2018 · 26/12/2017 18:26

Thank you for the replies! I have no CCJ's. It is just the 4 defaults. I can also prove my affordability so i'm going to go ahead and try and find somewhere. If I apply and get rejected then i'll lose abit of money but at least i'll know. And then I can look into womens aid and see what other options are available. Just want to my little one to grow up safe and happy. I'm determined to give her the best life x

OP posts:
passmethewineplease · 26/12/2017 18:31

Well done on wanting to get out OP. Stay safe.

AstridWhite · 26/12/2017 18:35

If it helps he is known for his abusive tendencies and has been in prison before due to what he did to an ex...

But you had a child with him anyway....confused]

Forget about the mortgage for the time being. Just concentrate on getting out. Go back home to your dad's or use your savings to pay for a deposit on a rental place as far away from him as you can manage. Get yourself on the council waiting list if a private rental is hard to secure due to debt.