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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Desperately want to get away from my partner

67 replies

Freshstart2018 · 26/12/2017 12:10

Background:

My partner is pretty much abusive to me in all aspects.
We have been together for 3 years and have a 2 year old DD. I am 23 and he is 30.

I have been biding my time, planning and dreaming of leaving him for a year now. He controls me in all aspects of my life, hurts me physically when I try to stand up to him, constantly accuses me of cheating, doesn't let me have friends, is very jealous, aggressive, takes my money etc. The list is endless and anyone reading would say what I already know- Leave

However, I decided to wait it out. I completed my degree and gained a decent paid job. I worked on bettering myself and focusing on my daughter. I did what I could to please him so that I could live a peaceful life. It worked up until last week. I saw he had been messaging a girl who is still inlove with him from years ago (god knows why). He was leading her on, stroking his ego. But it wasn't heartbreaking for me, it was gold! It meant I had a legitimate excuse to leave. I packed my stuff and took our DD and went to my Dads. I told him I wanted him gone asap. However, he wouldn't leave of course. Came to my dads and begged to talk/explain. Put me in his car and drove home. He pinned me down on the bed, crying, begging and pleading me not to leave him. It was all pathetic really. When he saw I wasn't giving in he grabbed a knife from the kitchen and screamed that he was going to stab himself. He pushed it against his stomach which was obviously horrible to watch and I pleaded him to stop and managed to get out of the house and back to my dads. He of course did no damage to himself in regards to the knife.. It was just to scare me. But for a second it did work. Eventually I went back home. I threatened to ring the police unless he agreed to leave me alone, sleep in separate beds for a short while over xmas before he sorts himself another place to stay. He started waking me up in the night. I was disorientated but he would start having sex with me anyway and I felt exhausted every morning. He then started acting like the perfect partner, cleaning, cooking, being overly nice to DD. All so fake and it didn't last long. He is back to his talking down to me ways now he thinks all is forgiven. I just cannot live like this any longer and despite him thinking we are back together I am planning to leave.

Now here lies my problem. I want to move away from the dreadful home I live in now. Away from him and the bad memories.
I have secretly saved for a deposit to get a mortgage for somewhere decent for me and my DD. The only problem is I have a bad credit score due to him making me take pay day loans out almost 3 years ago now. At the time I was pregnant and homeless and he persuaded me it was our only option.
I couldn't afford to pay these loans back as i had zero money at the time. I wasn't even entitled to any benefits until I was a certain amount of weeks pregnant. This left a number of defaults on my credit score. Since then, I have worked and studied hard for my DD. I have had no other debt and no missed payments etc. I have been desperately trying to improve my credit score- but to no avail! These defaults are really impacting my chance at a fresh start. Any application for a mortgage is pr9bably going to get rejected. Even privately renting will be a struggle if I had to choose that route. Its so frustrating as I have been treated sooo badly in the last few years by him. I'm a shell of who I used to be. I feel nervous all the time. I feel like i'm being watched if that makes sense. I don't know what to do or who can help me. Does anyone have any advice in regards to moving forwards with my life?

If it helps he is known for his abusive tendencies and has been in prison before due to what he did to an ex...
I honestly think he is capable of anything and i'm terrified. I dream every night of a cosy little home.. just me and my DD. I have dreamed of how I would decorate each room, our daily routine, the calmness..

I feel stuck with this credit score issue. I don't know what to do next. Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thank you in advance x.

Ps merry xmas x

OP posts:
lanbro · 26/12/2017 18:35

I desperately needed to rent after leaving ex, I had a decent credit rating but was struggling to prove my income as self employed. Dps went guarantor but as df is also self employed and dm retired this was taking ages. I ended up crying to the letting agent and offering 3 months upfront which did the trick.

Don't let anything put you off doung what needs to be done. See an independent financial adviser re mortgage but accept you might need to rent in the short term. Good luck Flowers

angrymum00 · 26/12/2017 18:36

Hi I'm a mortgage broker. Agree with everyone that your first priority is to get out of there and rent somewhere. And well done for being strong.
From a mortgage point of view, the main thing is to make sure that the debts are paid off so that they show as settled on your credit file. I can't scroll back up to read over exactly what you said about you finances, but if you don't have a credit card already then It would be an idea to get one and pay it off each month to build your credit rating up.
Once your score improves then a couple of historic defaults aren't such a problem.

Original poster
Freshstart2018 · 26/12/2017 18:40

Thank you passmethewineplease x

OP posts:
angrymum00 · 26/12/2017 18:41

(Oh and my aggressive username was a name change for advice on my kid being bullied, for got to change it back!!

Original poster
Freshstart2018 · 26/12/2017 18:41

Thanks angrymum i'll look into using a credit card to buildup my score x

OP posts:
Original poster
Freshstart2018 · 26/12/2017 18:42

Thank you for sharing your experience Ianbro. Feeling more hopeful now x

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 26/12/2017 18:42

What angry mum said. Don’t use all your savings up on rent, move in with your dad or into a cheap rental and talk to a mortgage broker with all your financial details ASAP.

Original poster
Freshstart2018 · 26/12/2017 18:43

Thanks for your message AstridWhite. Just to confirm I had no idea he had been to jail until after I had gotten pregnant. I was young and naive at the time and was flattered by his neediness. Now I am much stronger I can see it is unhealthy and I want a better life x

OP posts:
Original poster
Freshstart2018 · 26/12/2017 18:45

Thanks for advice MyKingdom- I worked hard for those savings so it would be ashame to throw it all on 6 months rent upfront. I will look into it. But if I have to then it is still much better than my current situation x

OP posts:
angrymum00 · 26/12/2017 18:48

Fell free to pm me. I can soon tell you if you can get a mortgage. No catches or charges.

Original poster
Freshstart2018 · 26/12/2017 19:32

Really great advice from everyone commenting- Thank you! Just wondering what you would do in my shoes? I'm just not sure what my next steps are- who to get in touch with etc. Any insights would be much appreciated x

OP posts:
MrsMoastyToasty · 26/12/2017 19:38

Go to the CAB and discuss your debts. Mention financial abuse. Did he use coercion to make you take out loans? Did he forget your signature?

Original poster
Freshstart2018 · 26/12/2017 19:54

Thanks MrsMoastyToasty- he didn't forge my signature. But he did spend the little money we had on nights out and told me to use pay day loans to buy the baby things. It was a tough time back then and I didn't really know the mess I had gotten myself into. I depended on him because I was pregnant and had no'one else. We were sofa surfing as we had nowhere to go and most days I went without food. Do you think CAB could help my situation?

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 26/12/2017 20:22

Make sure he doesn't see this thread, OP, please.

PeaPodPopper · 26/12/2017 20:40

look on gum tree for places to rent. /There are often pretty good places available on there from decent landlords, who just don't want to go through lettings agents - make sure your deposit goes into a proper deposit scheme though OP.

Sending you the very best of luck and a ((((((((((damn big hug))))))))

HappyHedgehog247 · 26/12/2017 20:44

Please be careful about leaving as it is when you are most at risk. Get all your documents ready. Make sure your phone can't be tracked. Speak to Women's Aid. Good luck.

Original poster
Freshstart2018 · 26/12/2017 21:02

Thank you- some useful info here that I will look into. Making plans gets me through each day x

OP posts:
OhHolyFuck · 26/12/2017 21:07

You can get advice from the national domestic violence helpline, they're open 24/7, number is 0808 2000 247

You could also look for IDVA (independent domestic violence advisor) support whilst you look at moving, as others have said the actual leaving is the most dangerous time so it really might help to have a specialist who can physically come and help/advise - phone the number above and they'll be able to tell you what IDVA services are in your area or try googling 'IDVA and your location'

Also, as your little girl is under 5, if you feel able, please tell your health visitor, they normally have some really good resources for helping women flee DV

Good luck

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 26/12/2017 21:15

Your op is terrible to read. He's been abusive to you in every way possible and is still doing so. He went to prison for doing something to his ex so is more than capable of doing the same or much worse to you and your DC. Please get some real life help and support from women's aid and the police. You sound almost blasé about what's happened (I don't know if this is because the abuse has become 'normal' for you or because your emotionally blocking it out) though you and DC are currently very much at risk.
You've done do well to realise what's going on and to plan towards leaving but please put your safety first above any finances

Original poster
Freshstart2018 · 26/12/2017 21:15

Thank you! Going to take a look on google now x

OP posts:
Original poster
Freshstart2018 · 26/12/2017 21:19

Thank you mymushroom. I am so used to being treated badly that it isn't surprising to me anymore. I sort of feel numb to any of his outburts most of the time. There are times when I haven't felt strong. I still have weak moments where I think i'm nothing without him and I won't be able to cope. But then I realise that isn't true, it is just how he has tried to make me think.

OP posts:
Original poster
Freshstart2018 · 26/12/2017 21:21

I guess i have spent these last few months fantasising of a peaceful life with DD. I have dreamt of our new little home, how cosy and safe we will feel. It is only now i'm actually thinking about what's going to happen when I leave. How will he act when he knows i'm serious etc. Think i've been putting off thinking about that but I definitely shouldn't.

OP posts:
Onlymeeeeee · 26/12/2017 21:23

I've been so surprised to hear what it's like with a DH who isn't (what i now know to be) financially abusive, I've been told i come across as flippant but I had no idea my normal was different to everyone else.

HappyHedgehog247 · 26/12/2017 21:25

I would go soon. You'll have your lovely cosy safe house with dd in time but can use the time in a refuge/temporary accommodation (e.g. Short term rental) to sort all that out.

Mayhemmumma · 26/12/2017 21:27

Harsh but true, two women a week in the UK are killed by their partner or ex partner. This man is horribly abusive to you and has a criminal history relating to DV? You need to make a safety plan in terms of leaving, this a dangerous time for you and your DD. Don't worry about upsetting your dad, if you trust him, tell him everything you can and involve him in a plan to leave safely, involve any other 'safe' adults. And pop into polo e station and ask if you can have a marker put on your address, in the event of emergency and you call 999 police should respond quickly.

You've done amazingly to save money. Think about important documents for you and DD. you need to go absolutely zero contact with this man. Consider refuge accommodation...
Go somewhere far away, anticipate him trying to contact you or turn up at yourwork place/dads/friends.

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