Desperately want to get away from my partner

[Freshstart2018]

Background:

My partner is pretty much abusive to me in all aspects.
We have been together for 3 years and have a 2 year old DD. I am 23 and he is 30.

I have been biding my time, planning and dreaming of leaving him for a year now. He controls me in all aspects of my life, hurts me physically when I try to stand up to him, constantly accuses me of cheating, doesn't let me have friends, is very jealous, aggressive, takes my money etc. The list is endless and anyone reading would say what I already know- Leave

However, I decided to wait it out. I completed my degree and gained a decent paid job. I worked on bettering myself and focusing on my daughter. I did what I could to please him so that I could live a peaceful life. It worked up until last week. I saw he had been messaging a girl who is still inlove with him from years ago (god knows why). He was leading her on, stroking his ego. But it wasn't heartbreaking for me, it was gold! It meant I had a legitimate excuse to leave. I packed my stuff and took our DD and went to my Dads. I told him I wanted him gone asap. However, he wouldn't leave of course. Came to my dads and begged to talk/explain. Put me in his car and drove home. He pinned me down on the bed, crying, begging and pleading me not to leave him. It was all pathetic really. When he saw I wasn't giving in he grabbed a knife from the kitchen and screamed that he was going to stab himself. He pushed it against his stomach which was obviously horrible to watch and I pleaded him to stop and managed to get out of the house and back to my dads. He of course did no damage to himself in regards to the knife.. It was just to scare me. But for a second it did work. Eventually I went back home. I threatened to ring the police unless he agreed to leave me alone, sleep in separate beds for a short while over xmas before he sorts himself another place to stay. He started waking me up in the night. I was disorientated but he would start having sex with me anyway and I felt exhausted every morning. He then started acting like the perfect partner, cleaning, cooking, being overly nice to DD. All so fake and it didn't last long. He is back to his talking down to me ways now he thinks all is forgiven. I just cannot live like this any longer and despite him thinking we are back together I am planning to leave.

Now here lies my problem. I want to move away from the dreadful home I live in now. Away from him and the bad memories.
I have secretly saved for a deposit to get a mortgage for somewhere decent for me and my DD. The only problem is I have a bad credit score due to him making me take pay day loans out almost 3 years ago now. At the time I was pregnant and homeless and he persuaded me it was our only option.
I couldn't afford to pay these loans back as i had zero money at the time. I wasn't even entitled to any benefits until I was a certain amount of weeks pregnant. This left a number of defaults on my credit score. Since then, I have worked and studied hard for my DD. I have had no other debt and no missed payments etc. I have been desperately trying to improve my credit score- but to no avail! These defaults are really impacting my chance at a fresh start. Any application for a mortgage is pr9bably going to get rejected. Even privately renting will be a struggle if I had to choose that route. Its so frustrating as I have been treated sooo badly in the last few years by him. I'm a shell of who I used to be. I feel nervous all the time. I feel like i'm being watched if that makes sense. I don't know what to do or who can help me. Does anyone have any advice in regards to moving forwards with my life?

If it helps he is known for his abusive tendencies and has been in prison before due to what he did to an ex...
I honestly think he is capable of anything and i'm terrified. I dream every night of a cosy little home.. just me and my DD. I have dreamed of how I would decorate each room, our daily routine, the calmness..

I feel stuck with this credit score issue. I don't know what to do next. Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thank you in advance x.

Ps merry xmas x

Thank you all. Lots to consider. You are all right. I need to prioritise safety for me and DD before anything else. He is back in work tomorrow. May ring womens aid and see what they say aswell x

You mentioned he wake you up for sex - if you have not consented to this it is a form of rape. You could go to the police regards this. This along with him being abusive could become a court case then he could get sent down again.

Please, whatever you do make sure you are acting and behaving normally right now so that he doesn't get any indication that you are intending to leave. The decision to leave a violent partner can be the most dangerous time of all. Try to get some of your important documents out of the house and stored somewhere safe.
It might be a good idea to contact Step Change who give excellent debt advice and offer solutions to building up a healthy credit rating again. You could also speak to Shelter as to regards housing options.
Going into a refuge may be a solution but be aware that they will house you a long way from where you live now so you are safer. This can be difficult especially if you are far from your job. Also rent has to be paid at these refuges and if you have a fair bit of savings then this will reduce any benefit payments you may receive. I'm not saying any of this to change your mind about leaving, far from it, but just to make you a little bit more aware of what may lie ahead.
Get all the advice you can. Make sure all your Internet history is thoroughly deleted and be aware that you may be tracked on your phone or I pad if he can gain access to them. This happened to a friend of mine who was fleeing an abusive partner which was terrifying. She obtained a new, cheap phone and Sim card.
I truly hope things will work out OK for you. The road ahead is fraught with difficulties but hopefully a peaceful life will be yours in the coming months. Stay strong.

You sound very aware of what he's doing - but less so of the impact on you and your D.C. Women's aid and police support can help you cope with the practical and emotional changes which will need to happen for you to be safe. There's lots of good advice on their website as well as getting some real life help. Keep yourself and DC safe and don't let him get any idea what you are planning.

Thank you. Really valuable info on here. Stuff I hadn't even considered. Trying my best to pretend like everything is all happy families and sometimes I even start doubting my plans. But then he will say or do something to spoil it and I remember why i'm leaving. The worst part is that I actually love him and I hate myself for it !!

Go to pics and use Sarah s law to get info on him and tell police you need help to get away
Tell your hv and gp

Police not pics

You only love a small bit of him that is nice .
You don't love the nasty side do you ?

OP - a couple of links for you about mortgages if you have a bad credit score. You can get advice for free, so worth giving them a call to see where you stand.

www.which.co.uk/money/mortgages-and-property/mortgages/guides/getting-a-mortgage/bad-credit-mortgages

www.onlinemortgageadvisor.co.uk/bad-credit-mortgages/bad-credit-mortgage-broker/

Gosh OP you are so strong.
Dont hate yourself, you are absolutely doing the right thing.
Good luck.

How've you got on today OP? Did he go to work?
I think you should log all of this with the police, he's abused you and raped you

Hope you've managed to ring women's aid too OP xx

People generally do feel 'love' for their abuser. They are in an intimate relationship and the abuser may be the person who knows them better than anyone else in the world. Emotions become so entwined that you may feel sorry for him/feel like it's not his fault/want to help him and actually care about what happens to him when you're not around.
However you don't have the responsibility or power to change how he is behaving towards you. It's a choice he is making and solely his responsibility.
Hope you are ok today x

You sound brave and amazing. Agree agree about women's aid - even if not a refuge they can help you talk through things and give specific advice. Make sure you don't minimise what happened to you, he is horrific, you don't need to worry about not deserving help (not that you've said that, but it can be easy to feel that way)
Also its a great idea to offee 6 months up front, I had no credit score (with 2 kids) and they let me do it. I also sent a little 'file' on us to the agents, with a nice photo, some info on me and them, and it helped. Talk about your studying etc. I wouldn't tell agents etc about your abusive ex - some (arsehole) private landlords are very leery of these situations due to the risk of property damage, neighbour complaints, and possibility of someone taking their abusive ex back and being stuck with the abuser as a tenant.

Good luck, you are strong and your wonderful DD will help inspire you through this. Xoxo

Get onto a mortgage broker. Me and my H have dreadful credit and managed to get a mortgage 2 years ago.

All the very best to you. You sound amazing and strong.

Oh Op, I can't offer any advice that differs from previous posters! All good advice! I just wanted to pop on here and say what a strong woman you are! At just 23 you know what you need to do and are doing it..or trying to do it! I wish you all the luck in the world to having a beautiful future with you and your DD! She is a lucky baby to have such a strong Mummy!

Thank you for the lovely comments. It has definitely brightened my day. He took the day off work today and is instead going back tomorrow so not been able to make any phone calls etc. I certainly don't feel strong but I know that what he is doing is wrong and I don't have to put up with it. It's true he really does know me inside and out. He's the first serious relationship i've ever had and sometimes l think it will get better and I can make it work. I also feel really bad about thinking of leaving despite all he's done to me. He literally has no'one else apart from me and DD. He grew up in care and whatnot. I hope these feelings wont get in the way of my fresh start. I don't want to waste my life away being treated like this.

Anyway I just wanted to say i'm really grateful for the advice give. Like I said earlier it's stuff I hadn't even considered but will definitely help. I emailed a local lettings agency earlier and they said aslong as I don't have any IVA's, CCJ's or Bankrupty I should be fine with the application process. I think I may try and find somewhere to privately rent first whilst waiting for my credit score to improve. Then in a few years reconsider getting a mortgage. In terms of getting away from DP I'm going to speak to womens aid and see what steps I need to take. Fingers crossed 2018 is going to be a better year x

And last one - please please be careful with keeping your plans extremely quiet. Leaving an abuser is a dangerous time, get help as you can to make sure you are poised and ready, don't spend ages packing. x

There’s no way you would be rejected for a rental, so don’t worry about that.
Focus on finding a nice place to rent away from the scumbag.
Call women’s aid. Record the abuse your suffering (if you can) and take it all to the police. He needs to be behind bars by the sounds of it.