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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My friend and her husband

98 replies

Toast3 · 24/12/2017 07:53

I don’t start my own threads very often but have posted before, I’ve read all the threads and advice given on cheating spouses so thought I’d share this with you all.

My friend discovered a few weeks ago that her husband has been texting a woman from work. It looks like nothing sexual has happened but there is a lot of personal, flirtatious talk. The OW talks a lot about very personal details of her sex life and how unhappy she is. The happy texters have chatted openly about the chemistry they have and how the sparks fly when they’re in the same room etc...

My friend sees it as a betrayal that is as bad as if they had actually had sex and has snapped into action. Her DH has no idea that she knows... He has to work until 3pm today. She has a taxi booked for 2pm to take all of his belongings to his mothers. The locks are being changed this morning (her brother is a builder) and she is changing the alarm code. She has an email pre typed to tell him all this which she intends to send as soon as the Taxi has gone. She also has an email with all the messages on that she is going to send to the OW telling that’s she is going to send it to her husband. (She actually doesn’t have his email address but OW won’t know this).

She has booked herself into a hotel for the Christmas period so that she is not alone...her choice, I invited to spend it with us but she declined.
I told her ‘it was like something from mumsnet’ and she should post on here but I’m not sure anyone could have advised her. She doesn’t appear to need help. She seems so calm and determined.
He thinks he’s coming home at 3pm for Christmas and she won’t even be there and neither will his clothes...
She’s very independent. I’ve known her for years.
The timing is rubbish but she seems almost too calm...
They have one grown up son who is away travelling and I’m not sure whether the OW has kids... My friend says that isn’t her issue.
I know I’m going to be clock watching all day ....

OP posts:
Dons1975 · 24/12/2017 07:56

Your a lovely friend Hmm enjoy the scandal today!!!

Kit1411 · 24/12/2017 07:57

Gosh she seems calm but also determined, if he also own the house I’m not sure if she’s allowed to change the locks, anyway I hope she ok, definitely rubbish timing.

Runningissimple · 24/12/2017 07:57

I wish I'd done this three years ago to my cheating ex. Good on her. He's made his choices now she's making hers.

DartmoorDoughnut · 24/12/2017 07:57

Good on her! She sounds awesome

AdalindSchade · 24/12/2017 08:01

She can't just change the locks and exclude him from his own home.

MrsMozart · 24/12/2017 08:02

I understand your concern about her appearing to be so calm. I hope it all works for her.

Ellisandra · 24/12/2017 08:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HolyMountain · 24/12/2017 08:03

I like the way she’s dealt with it, she’s a star!

She’s right, the sexting is as bad as if they’d actually shagged each other.

Sofabitch · 24/12/2017 08:03

Well...if he hadn't realised he had stepped into EA territory he will now.

I guess that their communication skills are pretty shitty if shes not planning on discussing it with him.

I'm not surprised he's been drawn in by an EA.

Relationships need communication. Perhaps shes been looking for an out and this is her excuse.

On an aside. She cant change the locks if he is a joint owner/tenant.

But good luck to her

Ellisandra · 24/12/2017 08:05

@Sofabitch why are her communication skills shitty? What obligation does she has to "discuss" this? Clearly, she feels there is nothing to discuss - and I see why.

Nice bit of victim blaming there, her fault he's been "drawn into" (poor, passive helpless man...) an EA.

Biscuit
IJoinedJustToPostThis · 24/12/2017 08:06

I know I'm going to be clock watching all day...

Why? It doesn't sound like either the husband or the wife will be getting in touch with you.

Ellisandra · 24/12/2017 08:08

I was very calm when I ended my marriage over something that could have been nice scandalous entertainment for the OP, if she were my "friend" Confused

I was calm because I'm good in a crisis. And also because though it was a huge betrayal, it was the proverbial straw and any love had been ruined by him in the previous year, and because I had already thought through how I would cope with a split.

Runningissimple · 24/12/2017 08:09

Love that sofabitch is already blaming the op's friend for her husband's infidelity. God for you, defending the poor little man.

She can change the locks, she just can't deny him access if the property. He'll need to get a solicitor on that though and, gosh, what with Christmas and all, I doubt much will happen before January. Bummer.

Notreallyarsed · 24/12/2017 08:13

I think your friend sounds amazing. She knows she’s worth more than being treated like shit so she’s doing something about it. Good on her!

GrooovyLass · 24/12/2017 08:14

Except she won't be there so wouldn't he be within his rights to break in to his own home to access it? Seems like a very poorly thought out knee-jerk reaction.

Redehila · 24/12/2017 08:14

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

grobagsforever · 24/12/2017 08:15

Are we all supposed to wait for live updates all day @Toast3 ?

This is horrid. Pull the thread.

Angelf1sh · 24/12/2017 08:17

What is the point of this post? Other than to gossip I mean? I’m glad you’re not my friend.

BitOutOfPractice · 24/12/2017 08:18

She can't just exclude him from his Home like that. He is completely within his rights to break in.

It sounds like you're thoroughly enjoying this op

Racmactac · 24/12/2017 08:27

Sounds ok to me. Alto if it's a jointly owned property she can't change the locks.

Toast3 · 24/12/2017 08:30

Thanks for the mixed comments. I actually meant by clocokwatching all day that I was doing it with sick dread. Made even worse by the timing of it all. The sick dread is because it’s very likely that her husband will contact me.

I suppose I posted because I’m so troubled by it and I blurted it out to you because I obviously can’t tell anyone else...I can see how some think it’s inappropriate though - I’m certainly not a gossip.
I’m not a bad friend and I care about them both...

OP posts:
Toast3 · 24/12/2017 08:31

I’m happy for this thread to be deleted if people feel it’s inappropriate.

OP posts:
ladymelbourne1926 · 24/12/2017 08:33

Your poor friend, she is handling it brilliantly, as others have said though, if they are married and the property is theirs she cannot just change the locks, he is within his rights to break in and stay there.
Bear in mind reality will hit her at some point, sounds like she is running on anger and adrenaline, that will wear off.

Ellisandra · 24/12/2017 08:33

Right, if you posted for advice not a gossip, regarding the dripfeed that her husband (STBXH, go her!) might contact you, send this "I am aware what you did, please do not contact me again". Simple.

MsGameandWatching · 24/12/2017 08:35

Toast I assumed after reading your OP, that you’d be clock watching with concern. You see I do like to think the best of people where possible, not leap on them and tell them what massive meanies they are when there’s no real indication of this, but that’s MN for you, people just love to do that.

Anyway, I just hope that she’s not running on adrenaline and heading for an almighty crash. We’re there problems in the marriage before that are making her so clear sighted on this?