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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My friend and her husband

98 replies

Toast3 · 24/12/2017 07:53

I don’t start my own threads very often but have posted before, I’ve read all the threads and advice given on cheating spouses so thought I’d share this with you all.

My friend discovered a few weeks ago that her husband has been texting a woman from work. It looks like nothing sexual has happened but there is a lot of personal, flirtatious talk. The OW talks a lot about very personal details of her sex life and how unhappy she is. The happy texters have chatted openly about the chemistry they have and how the sparks fly when they’re in the same room etc...

My friend sees it as a betrayal that is as bad as if they had actually had sex and has snapped into action. Her DH has no idea that she knows... He has to work until 3pm today. She has a taxi booked for 2pm to take all of his belongings to his mothers. The locks are being changed this morning (her brother is a builder) and she is changing the alarm code. She has an email pre typed to tell him all this which she intends to send as soon as the Taxi has gone. She also has an email with all the messages on that she is going to send to the OW telling that’s she is going to send it to her husband. (She actually doesn’t have his email address but OW won’t know this).

She has booked herself into a hotel for the Christmas period so that she is not alone...her choice, I invited to spend it with us but she declined.
I told her ‘it was like something from mumsnet’ and she should post on here but I’m not sure anyone could have advised her. She doesn’t appear to need help. She seems so calm and determined.
He thinks he’s coming home at 3pm for Christmas and she won’t even be there and neither will his clothes...
She’s very independent. I’ve known her for years.
The timing is rubbish but she seems almost too calm...
They have one grown up son who is away travelling and I’m not sure whether the OW has kids... My friend says that isn’t her issue.
I know I’m going to be clock watching all day ....

OP posts:
MsGameandWatching · 24/12/2017 08:37

Hardly a huge, thread changing drip feed that the husband might contact the OP is it? Confused

Angelf1sh · 24/12/2017 08:39

If you’re genuinely after advice then is she your friend or are they more joint friends? If the former then ask your friend what she wants you to say if he contacts you and say that. If the latter (which seems unlikely given the amount you know) then I’d stay out of it.

diddl · 24/12/2017 08:43

If he's any sense he'll change the locks, reset the alarm & have a quiet Christmas in his own home!

I don't condone what he has done & if she wants to seperate, that's up to her, but I don't think that she can kick him out!

Kentnurse2015 · 24/12/2017 08:44

She can’t just change the locks though. Ridiculous!

Sofabitch · 24/12/2017 08:45

Hardly victim blamimg to suggest that after 20+ years of a relationship it feels to me that a few weeks of flirty messages warrants a conversation. If its the only concern in the relationship Its potentially a sympton of some failed communication that some couples counselling could sort out.

You lot on here seem to have inhuman expectations of people. Sometimes people of all genders fuck up.

EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic · 24/12/2017 08:46

Surely he can just break back into the house though?

diddl · 24/12/2017 08:48

Also, involving his mum isn't very fair, is it?

Why would he be moving there when he has somewhere to live?

EmmaGrundyForPM · 24/12/2017 08:49

OP I'm fairly certain that legally she can't deny him access to a property he joint owns. So even if she changes the locks she'd have to give him a key which defeats the purpose of it. I would contact her and get her to check this before she goes ahead and changes the locks.

Toast3 · 24/12/2017 08:53

I’ve just spoken to her - she’s still very calm but very determined. I’ve talked about not changing the locks with her before - she knows he can change them back. Same goes for the clothes in the Taxi. It’s her way of making a statement I think...
With regards to what to say to her husband - her answer was ‘ whatever you like - just don’t tell him where I am’.
If he contacts me I will tell him I don’t want to get in the middle of them - he knows my loyalties will be with my friend.
I have told her that if she needs me to go over to the hotel I will or she can come here at any point.... I know that she won’t though....it’s just how she is. She could have gone to family too but won’t . She will surface once Christmas is over and the festivities are out of the way...
No one can be this calm for long., she has to be hurting underneath.

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 24/12/2017 08:54

Hardly victim blamimg to suggest that after 20+ years of a relationship it feels to me that a few weeks of flirty messages warrants a conversation
This.
Maybe the friend has spent too much time on MN relationships threads where you LTB because DH leaves his socks on the bathroom floor.

Plus, threats to the woman he's been texting all just seems a little... odd. All a bit 0-60.

The entire response is a little too hysterical textbook 'people on MN said LTB and change the locks'.

OnionKnight · 24/12/2017 08:54

If he owns part of the house then she cannot just change the locks.

Why have you not clarified this OP?

DearMrDilkington · 24/12/2017 08:58

I doubt it's the first time his done anything like this, so good for her.

MaisyPops · 24/12/2017 09:00

I doubt it's the first time his done anything like this
Like hell can you tell that from the post.
That's sheer speculation based on nothing.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 24/12/2017 09:00

Hmm.

Whatever.

Faking · 24/12/2017 09:05

She probably is hurting underneath but being practical at the same time.

CremeFresh · 24/12/2017 09:06

When someone posts that their husband is having an EA or full on affair , the advice on here is always 'pack his bags and ask him to leave' , which is just what this woman is doing . Confused

PaperdollCartoon · 24/12/2017 09:07

I think it’s sad that after a long marriage this is how she responds, baby and bathwater spring to mind. No wonder marriages don’t last if people think it make sense to just leave after a few weeks of flirty texts without even discussing anything. I think your friend is immature.

WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo · 24/12/2017 09:09

The details you've included - right down to the timing of the taxi, email, the fact her brother is a builder - are very outing, OP. Imagine if you were your friend and someone you thought had your back chose to plaster details of your personal life all over a public forum? It's not your story to share, you don't have her permission to, and you should ask MN to take this thread down pronto.

diddl · 24/12/2017 09:10

" 'pack his bags and ask him to leave' "

Yeah, but you can't throw them out of their own house, can you?

OnionKnight · 24/12/2017 09:11

'pack his bags and ask him to leave' ,

She's not asking him to leave though is she?

By changing the locks she is breaking the law.

Sofabitch · 24/12/2017 09:12

When someone posts that their husband is having an EA or full on affair , the advice on here is always 'pack his bags and ask him to leave' , which is just what this woman is doing

I find this so sad tbh I mean there are scales and levels of affairs. Some of which are fully recoverable from. Some of which are not.

Gemini69 · 24/12/2017 09:15

I think your friend knows her Relationship better than of of us armchair critics...

Good luck to her and I hope she finds the strength to get through these next few days OP Flowers

supersop60 · 24/12/2017 09:28

sofabitch - has your partner ever had an EA? The hurt, the lying and emotional 'checking out' are very hard to deal with.
I expect OP's friend is very angry and this has motivated her to action. her H has crossed a line and it's unacceptable to her. He will know how strongly she feels about it, at least.

Notreallyarsed · 24/12/2017 09:38

I find this so sad tbh I mean there are scales and levels of affairs

How? You’re either committed to someone, or you’re not. There is no grey area.

Toast3 · 24/12/2017 09:48

I’m not aware of any previous history but that doesn’t mean there isn’t...
I hadn’t thought about it be outing....
How do I ask for the post to be removed?
Thanks for all your comments...hopefully she’ll calm down a bit...I think she is just seething and who can blame her....

OP posts:
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