My friend and her husband

[Toast3]

I don’t start my own threads very often but have posted before, I’ve read all the threads and advice given on cheating spouses so thought I’d share this with you all.

My friend discovered a few weeks ago that her husband has been texting a woman from work. It looks like nothing sexual has happened but there is a lot of personal, flirtatious talk. The OW talks a lot about very personal details of her sex life and how unhappy she is. The happy texters have chatted openly about the chemistry they have and how the sparks fly when they’re in the same room etc...

My friend sees it as a betrayal that is as bad as if they had actually had sex and has snapped into action. Her DH has no idea that she knows... He has to work until 3pm today. She has a taxi booked for 2pm to take all of his belongings to his mothers. The locks are being changed this morning (her brother is a builder) and she is changing the alarm code. She has an email pre typed to tell him all this which she intends to send as soon as the Taxi has gone. She also has an email with all the messages on that she is going to send to the OW telling that’s she is going to send it to her husband. (She actually doesn’t have his email address but OW won’t know this).

She has booked herself into a hotel for the Christmas period so that she is not alone...her choice, I invited to spend it with us but she declined.
I told her ‘it was like something from mumsnet’ and she should post on here but I’m not sure anyone could have advised her. She doesn’t appear to need help. She seems so calm and determined.
He thinks he’s coming home at 3pm for Christmas and she won’t even be there and neither will his clothes...
She’s very independent. I’ve known her for years.
The timing is rubbish but she seems almost too calm...
They have one grown up son who is away travelling and I’m not sure whether the OW has kids... My friend says that isn’t her issue.
I know I’m going to be clock watching all day ....

What the absolute fuck??

This woman's husband has had an affair (emotional or otherwise). Yes, there are levels of affair but for some people it's very black and white; once the trust is broken, there's no coming back from it. I'd be the same! Perhaps she can't technically change the locks but as someone has already said, he could break back in and that would be that.

But Yes, MN. You carry on berating this woman for the locks, pushing him to it, not having a conversation about it or couples counselling, and her "immaturity".

FOR FUCKS SAKES.

It's Christmas and she just found out her husband had an affair.

Have some fucking compassion and stop bashing the victim/victim blaming.

OP. I really hope your friend is ok. She's going to need support at some point and all you can do is be there when she needs it.

"I find this so sad tbh I mean there are scales and levels of affairs"

There are, & this obviously crosses the line for Op's friend.

"No wonder marriages don’t last if people think it make sense to just leave after a few weeks of flirty texts without even discussing anything. I think your friend is immature."

@paperdollcartoon- no, marriages don't last because people think it's ok to have an affair in the first place, not because people then don't talk about said affair.

Thanks jamboree.... this was the main response I was expecting tbh. Given the amount of times I have read that nothing dodgy should be tolerated...I’m surprised by some of the replies tbh.
I’m sure there must be more to it and when she’s ready she will tell me...I’ve tried encouraging her to talk to him but, whatever she has read, has made up her mind in a very definite way...

I'm really rather shocked at the responses too Toast, but hey, there we are.

Really hope this all works out ok though and your friend is able to pick herself up and move on.

Of course its not illegal to change your locks. Why do people spread myths?

Not suggesting she did the right thing and I accept she can't stop him accessing the property bit illegal to change locks?? Madness

It's not illegal to change the locks. However he can simply have them changed again, as the legal occupier.
If she were to successfully exclude him from the property he would be able to bring a case against her in court to have occupation restored to him but wouldn't be able to call the police and have them break in for him.
Lots of things are enforceable by court order but that doesn't mean that the original action was illegal.

Changing the locks and then leaving the house for a few days is daft. She’s just as likely to get home to find she can’t get in and her stuff at her mother’s.

Op you almost sound guilty about something to be writing on here. Has her dh tried anything with you?? Or do you just feel a bit useless and don't know how to help?

I think if you are a very empathic person, just knowing there is a situation is upsetting. I, like the OP, would be watching the clock and worrying about everyone. It's not ghoulish, nosy parkering etc, it's an over evolved sense of empathy. And it makes life very stressful, frankly.

If I found that sort of shit between my DH and an OW I’d do exactly the same as her. Good on her! Sticking up for herself and sticking two fingers up at the both of them. Power. So what if she doesn’t have the “right” to change the locks? He didn’t have the “right” to sext some slag. What’s going to happen exactly people eh? Are the “changing the locks” police going to arrest her and charge her with “kick abuse” get a grip. He’d need to go the legal route and it’s xmas eve and they ain’t gonna be interested/available until new year so he’ll be sweating it out until 2018 or have to break into his own house and put up with a broken door until after Xmas. In both cases GOOD. She’s making a point and it’s well made. You fucked with me mate, well watch me fuck with you back. Please OP pass on my very best wishes to your mate. Tell her good on her. Stay strong, get hold of a solicitor ASAP in 2018 and screw that wanker as much as she can. Maybe if more women acted like this than accepting doormats then blokes would think twice before they pulled this shit.

Oh and OP you should ring her hotel and get them to send her a bottle of wine with a “congratulations from most of mumsnet” note. I’d happily contribute to the cost of a bottle of champers and some chocs for her. Start a collection!

Thinking...that’s a strange comment. I’m not guilty of anything as you put it and no, he has never tried it on with me. Tbh hes a pretty quiet bloke and has never struck me as a womaniser which is why I suppose she’s finding it hard to deal with..
I think her whole reasons for doing this so dramatically is to shock him as much as he’s shocked her. He has treated her with disrespect and she has (or very shortly will be) responded accordingly..
All I know is that I’m worried sick about my friend and even though she is not in floods of tears I know she must be hurting. It’s a crap time of year when you’re not feeling happy.
She is going to ring me tonight..
Thanks for all the responses.

Thanks chicken...I may even turn up in person with a couple later!!

Do it Toast! If I knew her I’d be taking a pamper hamper and a note saying I’ll be taking her out on the town for cocktails in the new year. Spoil her!

Keep us posted on how she is. She’s a modern day Hero in my eyes

Chicken- Best. Plan. Ever.

Toast- you should absolutely do this.

Why should she be encouraged to talk to him about it? She has seen evidence herself that he is quite happy to disrespect their relationship by flirting with another woman (never appropriate, and he must know it) and must have some motivation to do so, as well as some desire to take it further.
It's not her responsibility to prevent him being a shit. Any sane person knows secret and sustained flirting with someone outside of your marriage is inappropriate. He's a twat and deserves everything he gets.
Good luck to your friend OP, I hope I would be as decisive in the same position.

It’s very hurtful to find out about an EA she has probably been noticing distance and a bad relationship for a while....I would also end a relationship over this. However she needs to think clearly she could find herself locked out of her own home. Although the chance of a locksmith coming out today is slim and expensive so perhaps well played by her. Oh and if she looks at LinkedIn she could probably find the OW and her husband if she wanted to contact him....

Because when the Taxi turned up at his mums she presumably would have contacted her son... he finishes work at 3pm so she basically timed it.

2pm... have the shenanigans begun ......

Have you sent the taxi Op ?