Fiancé held me down during an argument

[kirstenrose]

So I'm posting on here as I really need some advise..

Tonight me and my fiancé had an argument which had ended pretty badly.
A bit of history on my fiancé, he is notoriously unreliable, extremely forgetful and to be honest quite lazy. 99% of the time we get on so we'll but occasionally we will have a pretty bad row. We also have a baby that is only a few weeks old.

This evening he came home from the pub tipsy, always a good start. Something that I needed to sort quickly happened and I needed him watch our baby just while I went out because I couldn't take him with me, so I get him out of bed asking him for help, on the way down he starts getting moody about it, I'll admit I was already frustrated and I asked him if he could for once just be reliable and help me when I need it. So he storms off back upstairs and gets back into bed. I follow and by now I'm getting mad and he keeps telling me to f off and I ask him if he's happy for our baby to be alone downstairs while I go out and he's saying yea whatever blah blah blah and I say "you really don't give a shit about him do you" his response? No. This makes me see red and I will admit I slapped his arm, not particularly hard but I just lost it and I'm not proud. So fast forward to a while later and it's still going on. He's always known how to wind me up and he goads me to loosing my temper every time we fight. Things we being said back and forth and again I admit I said some things I regret and wish I could take back (at this point I'm still angry about what he said earlier) he was denying that he said we didn't care which was only making me madder as I can't understand why he'd lie about it when we both know what he said. After this I walked away and let myself calm down because I know when I get pushed too far I can just loose it, so I calm myself and go back to him to ask why he said why he said and he still is lying about it, while on the bed I'm leaning on him with my hand in his stomach. He keeps telling me to get off, F off, etc... I say I won't until he admits what he said (at this point I'm now very calm, no raised voiced or anything!) I keep saying I just want him to accept and admit what he said and I apologised for everything I said and admitted I was out of line. All he keeps saying is get off me and maybe I should off but I thought that if I just stayed eventually he'd give up and admit it. That wasn't the case.. after a little bit longer he grabs me and pins me onto the bed, knee in my side, one hand holding my arms and the other on my shoulder. I had to pinch him to get him off and say I'm not going until I hear the truth. Again he pins me to the bed but this time he has one hand on the side of my face with a lot of force. After that one I left the room and just cried.. I know we were both angry but I don't know how I feel about him pinning me down like that when I wasn't being angry or aggressive. I feel like I may have deserved it because I had also been out of order but I'd apologised.. I feel a bit in shock about it all really.. no argument has ever escalated to that point.

My question is should I just leave it alone and let it go? Sorry for the lost essay... any help would be appreciated

I slapped his arm This is bad.

he still is lying about it, while on the bed I'm leaning on him with my hand in his stomach. He keeps telling me to get off

This is also bad

I say I won't until he admits what he said (at this point I'm now very calm, no raised voiced or anything!) I keep saying I just want him to accept and admit what he said and I apologised for everything I said and admitted I was out of line.

This is bad...you slapped his arm, you leaned on his stomach and tried to make him say what you wanted him to say.

All he keeps saying is get off me and maybe I should off but I thought that if I just stayed eventually he'd give up and admit it.

You refused to get off him...bad.

after a little bit longer he grabs me and pins me onto the bed, knee in my side, one hand holding my arms and the other on my shoulder

This is bad....

I had to pinch him to get him off and say I'm not going until I hear the truth.

Bad....

Again he pins me to the bed but this time he has one hand on the side of my face with a lot of force.

Bad.

After that one I left the room and just cried.. I know we were both angry but I don't know how I feel about him pinning me down like that when I wasn't being angry or aggressive

He's useless and you're both agressive.

You should never hit anyone. You hit him then leaned on his stomach and tried to make him say what you wanted him to say.

He used, it would seem too much force in getting you off.

He isn't to be trusted with a baby or a family in general and I think you need to leave him and get yourself some counseling.

You sound like you two should not be together - you are winding him up and he’s reacting.

You are violent to each other and have a baby. Please seek help and separate from each other in order to protect your child.

You don't want him to pin you down don't lean on his damn stomach! Don't slap his arm. You were goading him into saying what you WANTED to hear!! You were told repeatedly to get off him, listen!

Personally feel you are worse than him in this scenario and if this is a common occurrence then you need to either seek help or leave each other.

Your title should be "I assaulted my fiance then he pinned me down"

You are both as bad as each other! Actually no yt? Sound worse in this scenario, you slapped, pinched and goaded him and you are surprised by his reaction? Not justifying his behaviour in the slightest but you need to take a good look at yourself and the environment you are raising your baby In!

You two need to separate. Them's the breaks.

So you were physical with him multiple times, and generally acted horrendously, but now you're on here, trying to get mumsnet to condemn him? Na. You've both got issues but in this situation, you were a million times worse. You shouldn't be together, it sounds like a really shit relationship.

Leave, or your baby will grow up thinking this is normal.

You were physical and so was he neither are acceptable. I understand how frustrating it can be if someone blatantly lies to you but you gave him
A chance he refused you needed to leave him alone at that point and I'd suggest making that a permanent thing for both your sakes.

Also please don't ever leave your baby alone with a tipsy irresponsible person no matter how desperate the situation is. Recipe for disaster.

@kirstenrose

Something that I needed to sort quickly happened and I needed him watch our baby just while I went out because I couldn't take him with me, so I get him out of bed asking him for help, on the way down he starts getting moody about it, I'll admit I was already frustrated and I asked him if he could for once just be reliable and help me when I need it.

So you get a tired drunken man out of bed and start on him about how unreliable he is?! Good start! It sounds like you have unresolved issues with him that you're not going to let go of and at every opportunity, you'll be driven by 'he's lazy, unreliable etc'. If you're really not happy with his behaviour, tell him at a more appropriate time when he's more responsive but not in a situation like this.

You cannot force someone to admit anything. Such childish controlling behaviour? I really am lost for words OP. Look, he might be all of the above and really annoying, but you need to work on you. You need to take some responsibility for YOUR behaviour.

Of course you should not leave it alone and let it go. This incident suggests you should not be together. And I wonder if you goaded it to get to this point of violence because you know that.

You cannot change him. You cannot make him more responsible - and trying to do so when he was drunk was always going to fail.

I think you were both at fault physically.

But the psychological drama let’s look at what happened:

• you were at the end of your tether because you’re sick of being the one left holding the baby. HIBU

• he’s surly, doesn’t engage and drinks instead of stepping up and getting involved with the baby that he produced. HIBU

• your attempts to engage with him lead him to flounce off and disengage. HIBU

• instead of leaving him you keep needling him, trying to get a reaction out of him by escalating things and provoking him into giving some kind of emotional response. YABU.

Yes, it is totally natural that you react that way because you’re exhausted and don’t know what else to do, but it’s not going to work. Manipulating people into engaging with you never works.

It’s best to accept you two are incompatible, accept he’s not ready to be a hands-on father, then leave. Things are much easier single with one baby than married with two.

Good post IFyouseeRitaMorena

OP - the danger here is that you get into 'I'm as bad as him' reasoning which makes you unable to act positively

You're behaving like that with a three week old baby in the house?

You wound him up when he was drunk and you weren't. Why did you keep trying to get him to admit what he said and why were you physical about it? Also why were you asking a drunk man to look after a tiny baby?

Honestly it sounds really awful to me and I am worried about your baby. It could have easily got even more out of hand especially as he was drunk.

Yes, anyone would be worried about your baby. It's a very worrying environment for the baby to be in and one day a neighbour may call SS when they hear all this going on - and they'd be right to do so

it would be utterly ridiculous to marry this man

I would say you shouldn't have even thought about leaving the baby with a drunk, irresponsible man, and just take him with you, but to be honest, you don't sound adult enough or reliable enough to have charge of a baby either

Leave. You are both damaging each other and your relationship will damage the child.

He doesn't care about your son. Quite frankly your relationship sounds a dangerous and toxic environment for a child. If he is unreliable, lazy and doesn't care then there is literally no point in expecting him to change. Leave. Take your son or kick out this idiot. Do it today.

the only responsible course of action here would be to report yourself to your health visitor.

You are both violent, aggressive and without any judgement.

Your partner, on top of that, is coming home drunk.

This is not a safe place for a baby, and if you care about him at all yourself, you won't hide the situation from the health visitor.

Why would you want to marry a lazy unreliable man?

The relationship doesn't sound good and you provoked him like many have said.

You were violent to him - and he retaliated.

What he did was wrong, but you are equally wrong. You slapped his arm. You leaned on him and when he asked you - multiple times - to stop, you refused and carried on. Why did you think it was acceptable to be physically aggressive towards him in the first place?

He shouldn't have pinned you down. But you shouldn't have been violent towards him either. You are both equally culpable.

The relationship sounds utterly toxic and the fact that you have a young baby in the middle of this is alarming. You need to split up and get some help to manage your anger issues. It's normal to argue - it is not normal to slap and physically push people.

You were going to leave a 3 week old with a drunk person?! WTF?!

No. No. No. I don't care what you needed to go out for, this is utterly unacceptable.

And everything that came after was a result of your actions. You goaded, you assaulted, you pushed and forced a reaction - now you're complaining that you got one.

Seriously, you're a parent. Do better!

Something that I needed to sort quickly happened and I needed him watch our baby just while I went out because I couldn't take him with me

What was the thing you needed to leave your young baby for? You give a lot of detail, so it's interesting that leave it out. Your decision to go out triggered all this aggression and nastiness.
You might benefit from parenting classes, as your plan to leave your baby with a drunk partner for a short time, who you say is lazy and uncaring even when not drunk, says a lot about your own immaturity and decision-making.
There's no love or mutual respect here.

You just need to.take your baby and leave.