Fiancé held me down during an argument

[kirstenrose]

So I'm posting on here as I really need some advise..

Tonight me and my fiancé had an argument which had ended pretty badly.
A bit of history on my fiancé, he is notoriously unreliable, extremely forgetful and to be honest quite lazy. 99% of the time we get on so we'll but occasionally we will have a pretty bad row. We also have a baby that is only a few weeks old.

This evening he came home from the pub tipsy, always a good start. Something that I needed to sort quickly happened and I needed him watch our baby just while I went out because I couldn't take him with me, so I get him out of bed asking him for help, on the way down he starts getting moody about it, I'll admit I was already frustrated and I asked him if he could for once just be reliable and help me when I need it. So he storms off back upstairs and gets back into bed. I follow and by now I'm getting mad and he keeps telling me to f off and I ask him if he's happy for our baby to be alone downstairs while I go out and he's saying yea whatever blah blah blah and I say "you really don't give a shit about him do you" his response? No. This makes me see red and I will admit I slapped his arm, not particularly hard but I just lost it and I'm not proud. So fast forward to a while later and it's still going on. He's always known how to wind me up and he goads me to loosing my temper every time we fight. Things we being said back and forth and again I admit I said some things I regret and wish I could take back (at this point I'm still angry about what he said earlier) he was denying that he said we didn't care which was only making me madder as I can't understand why he'd lie about it when we both know what he said. After this I walked away and let myself calm down because I know when I get pushed too far I can just loose it, so I calm myself and go back to him to ask why he said why he said and he still is lying about it, while on the bed I'm leaning on him with my hand in his stomach. He keeps telling me to get off, F off, etc... I say I won't until he admits what he said (at this point I'm now very calm, no raised voiced or anything!) I keep saying I just want him to accept and admit what he said and I apologised for everything I said and admitted I was out of line. All he keeps saying is get off me and maybe I should off but I thought that if I just stayed eventually he'd give up and admit it. That wasn't the case.. after a little bit longer he grabs me and pins me onto the bed, knee in my side, one hand holding my arms and the other on my shoulder. I had to pinch him to get him off and say I'm not going until I hear the truth. Again he pins me to the bed but this time he has one hand on the side of my face with a lot of force. After that one I left the room and just cried.. I know we were both angry but I don't know how I feel about him pinning me down like that when I wasn't being angry or aggressive. I feel like I may have deserved it because I had also been out of order but I'd apologised.. I feel a bit in shock about it all really.. no argument has ever escalated to that point.

My question is should I just leave it alone and let it go? Sorry for the lost essay... any help would be appreciated

I was wondering about that, Diana

Because if he had been out when this thing came up, (either socially or at work) who would have looked after the baby?

I was also wondering what 'tipsy' means, and how often he is drunk.

I understand how frustrating and upsetting it is to have a partner who doesn't step and take responsibility when you have a baby, but honestly you are going about things in the wrong way.

You can't force him to be helpful and supportive, unfortunately, and I think you should - short term - take yourself and your baby somewhere where you can get some proper emotional support. Could you go back to your parents while you think things through a bit?

Don't just let it carry on like this - it's awful for your child.

I didn’t even get to the part where you were winding him up and I thought “why is she letting someone under the influence take care of a baby?”

And then I went on to read how you were basically physically intimidating him until he snapped.

If a woman came on here and explained that her husband did all the things to her that you’ve admitted to, and she snapped and pinned her down, we’d all say she reached boiling point

Ok, if you want your baby not to end up on the child protection register then you bloody separate NOW.

I'm sure he's an absolute pig, but that doesn't excuse your actions. Get the fuck away from him, if only to be the parent your baby needs. Do it now while your baby can't even remember you 'together'.

I use the term together very loosely. Your fiancé? How can you say that with a straight face?

Domestic violence often starts or escalates around the time of pregnancy or birth of baby.
So don't for a moment think this is a one off. Not that a one off would make it at all OK.

You have been violent, and you have a history of "losing it" so I partly want to tell you how unacceptable your behaviour is.

But I'm worried you'll internalise that as his behaviour being your fault, and stay - and keep your poor little baby in this shit storm.

No matter what you did, he has no excuse for pinning you down. None. It was not a self defence move. He didn't push you off, he pinned you down. He chose to be violent too.

You are not good together. And frankly - bollocks to it being good 99% of the time. You are kidding yourself. Even if it was, don't let your son grow up watching both his parents violence. Because when he smacks his girlfriend in the face, that will be your fault.

Get him out of this shit, and sort yourself out. You're a mother now. You don't get to "lose it". You get help and you fix yourself - before you hit your son, too.

My concern is your question is should you let his behaviour go or confront again. Actually it should be: should we stay together or should I leave. The answer is leave.

Your relationship is toxic and is already affecting your child. You would leave him with a drunk person at three weeks...That's irresponsible at best. It sounds like you are at the end of your tether and thought that trying to force him into responsibility by looking after his child might make him responsible. It doesn't, it just makes you irresponsible for using your son to try and do it.

But I've been sleep deprived frustrated and just needing to get on with things and that was with a very supportive dh so I understand how you much have felt wanting support. However one of you has to be a parent and he's made it clear that's not him. You cannot trust him to be or with your child.

You are both aggressive and provoking each other despite knowing the other won't back down. This will only get worse with sleep deprivation and the stress that comes from parenthood. You need to put your son first and walk away.

Listen to IfyouseeRita

There are so many awful things that could have happened to your baby if your partner was drunk in charge of her which I’m sure don’t need to be spelt out.

This is awful. No matter what was 'so urgent' that you had to pop out, why could you not have taken your baby? ywbu to even think of leaving a baby in the care of someone who is drunk. How could they possibly care for child properly?
How long did this row go on for?

You goaded him continually, you slapped him, you leant on his stomach (surprised he wasn't sick over you, and if anyone leant on my stomach I would force them to get off!)

You are not good together, and tbh I think you are the one in the wrong. Dv can be a two way Street, I had a work colleague, very small, used to do similar to her 6'3" dh, he never retaliated. she would hurt him a lot, belittle him and generally make him feel shit.

Your baby will end up on cp register, you need to leave, not because he's lazy or blah blah, but because you are violent, and it will escalate.

Short and sweet /not sweet - carry on as you are =neighbours phone Ss =no baby to witness your crazy relationship.

Toxic. Both of you.

Your poor baby growing up in this mess.

How did you two make a baby?

You’re both as bad as each other

You slapped him on the arm first. If he did that to you he’d be labelled everything under the sun

Why would you even consider leaving your baby with him whilst he was drunk?

Why would you keep pestering somebody who is tired grumpy and drunk? OBVIOUSLY that is not going to end well.

He shouldn’t have done it. But neither should you.

I don’t feel sorry for you. I don’t feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for the baby

You both sound as bad as each other.

You wanted to leave a drunk man in charge of a newborn, and then goaded him and wound him up, slapped him and leant on him until he got so pissed off with you that he (wrongly) pinned you down on the bed.

What on earth happened that was so vitally important that it couldn't wait until morning? Presumably you knew he was going to the pub anyway, so what would have happened if he was still out? You'd have had to take baby with you or leave it until morning.

He was drunk. You should have just left him to sleep and either gone out with the baby or left it. No good ever comes from arguing with a drunk person.

You need to separate for the sake of your poor baby. And for fucks sake don't marry this man.

You’re minimising your own role in the violence, and playing down the fact that you went and goaded him to continue the argument and were leaning on him and wouldn’t get off. His behaviour is as bad, but don’t dare have the temerity to paint yourself as an abused woman when in actual fact you’re both as bad as each other.

You need to separate, whatever happens your child deserves more than violent parents who can’t put him first.

You're as bad as each other and should both grow up.

Split up! Christ this is no good for your baby

I don't think the OP is reading this anymore, and sadly I don't think she'll come back. That's such a shame as the scenario she's describing is very worrying and intervention of some sort is definitely needed. Hopefully there are neighbours who act now.

I think the PP who suggested parenting classes is spot on, as the OP clearly does care about her baby, she's just very immature.

Please take note of what posters on here are saying, OP. There comes a point where it no longer matters who said what, you were both hugely in the wrong and it's a toxic environment for a small baby.

Who was watching the baby the whole time? If this is true (and I have serious doubts that it is) then you need to grow up, split up, go on some kind of course about how to act like an adult.

He doesn’t give a shit about the baby, he doesn’t give a shit about you. You need to split ASAP because your relationship is toxic and will be harming the baby.

I’m sorry OP but you assaulted him. If you slapped me, tried to hold me down whilst having a go at me I would probably restrain you too.

If this was a female that was done to people would be telling her to call the dv hotlines. That ‘he knows how to goad me’ and suggestion he makes you do it also amajor red flag for your partner. Wake up, get yourself some help controlling your temper.

He pinned u. But u were sat pinning him (hand on stomach) and u wouldn't let go when he told you too. And while you were upstairs fighting who was watching the baby? Whether u went out or went upstairs you still left the baby alone. You're as bad as eachother imo

You both sound like aggressive, argumentative twats to me.

I think the OP didn’t get the responses she was hoping for where she is entirely innocent in this scenario.

Your poor baby.

Has your relationship always been like this, or is it only since the baby came along?