Ex hasn't told me about existence of new GF. Or about the kids staying over at hers. Or that he's moving in with her.....

[stubbornstains]

I split up with XP when I was PG, due to his emotional abuse (mostly verbal outbursts, but also a bit of gaslighting and lying).

He's always been a decentish father to DS2 (now 2), and treats DS1(7) like his own, for which I am grateful. He did used to spend a lot of time with us as a quasi family for a long while, which was helpful in some ways, but at the cost of continued verbal abuse.

Last September he announced he was seeing someone, so I took the opportunity to cut all ties and tell him that he could have the kids EOW and one night in the week. One final argument and peace descended- I don't engage with him anymore apart from on practicalities to do with the kids.

Apparently that relationship didn't last long, and was over by Christmas, and in February DS1 announced that he had a new GF and that they'd met her . No word of this from XP. Soon DS1 was telling me about all the sleepovers they'd had with her, etc etc. Now DS1 is telling me that XP is soon to move in with GF, in her house , which is currently under construction, "there are no stairs", she has a teenage DD, and that DC1 and DC2 share a sofa bed in the living room.

I texted XP about this and he apologised for "not having been more explicit" (by which he must mean "saying not a word about the whole affair"). He confirmed the house is being renovated- no word yet as to whether he is, in fact, moving in.

Right now, I feel very angry, and am afraid I might do or say something I will regret. If DS1 didn't spend time with XP, I wouldn't even know about all this, because DS2 is too young to tell me things!

I think I know what I need to do - I would like to meet the new GF and see the house. At present, I don't even know the address, so what the hell would happen in an emergency? I'm pretty sure XP will do all in his power to stop me meeting her. I strongly suspect that he has told her, or at least implied, that I know all about the sleepovers, proposed move, etc.

I don't really want to meet her, but feel that I should meet this person who's spending so much time with my kids (they really like her BTW), and check this house out. I'm really going to need to get a grip though, because at the moment I just see myself spilling out all the stories of XP's abuse to her, which I know full well isn't a good idea.

I've been in the new woman's position and it's probably not a bag of roses for her either. So she's having her house renovated, that doesn't mean your children are at risk.

My OH ommited to tell his ex about my existence, our relationship and subsequent pregnancy which meant their three children would be gaining a half sibling. His ex didn't find out about any of this until I was heavily pregnant. He didn't tell her because he knew she would react badly and ran the risk of his contact being affected, he was right to worry because it was.

After the children coming to our place a handful of times she's decided she doesn't want them around other women. He now has to see them at her place, or if he takes them out anywhere there is an agreement she will call him to make sure he hasn't brought them here around me. There is no reason for this other than control, and probably that of a woman scorned.

Not completely comparable to your situation but just an insight into perhaps why he wasn't transparent with you to begin with. People can worry about exes being controlling and difficult, sometimes they are and for many reasons.. none of which benefit the children.

She may well be a lovely woman and mother who treats your kids well and has their best interests at heart at all times. Until you know otherwise, it's not right to even be thinking along the lines of 'I could cut contact' and that shouldn't even come to mind. Having renovations is neither here nor there and no health professional in the world would see a child considered at risk for that reason alone, if she has children of her own living there then clearly it's perfectly safe.

If you're that worried about the safety of her place have a conversation with your ex and tell him that your child has informed you there is no stairs etc and you're rightly concerned and would like clarity.

Tell him you would like to meet her if it means that much to you, I can understand why it would. Extend an invitation for coffee or something equally civil.

You @Tumbleweeds24 that is awful is he taking her to court she can't do that! He should stick two fingers up to her and take the kids back to your home.

“so I took the opportunity to cut all ties”

...

“by which he must mean "saying not a word about the whole affair”

🤔

I really don't care whether he's in a relationship or not. As you say, it's none of my business. But when the kids are involved it becomes a different thing..

No it’s not any of your business at all. They are with a parent, in fact they are with 2 parents if you include his gf. She has experience, the kids like her so it’s fine

You can’t live her life for her, he may or may not be abusive in the future, all you can do is be there for your kids if needed, and by the sounds of it if she needed support from another woman, you could be there for her too perhaps.

Stop with the emotional terrorism, don’t even think about cutting contact, you have no right to vet this woman in any way shape or form

I’ve had all sorts of threats come my way from my oh ex, she has made all kinds of issues and been utterly vile to her own child in order to ruin every single opportunity she can.

Think valentines, Christmas, birthdays, holidays, she’s tried to influence what we do when we have dc, what’s eaten (when she herself can’t even boil an egg!) and what we watch on telly. Oh yes.

We keep info to a bare minimum now, and dc hands in the mobile overnight as the ‘d’m would phone in very early morning to wind dc up and terrorise so we’d wake up to a basket case in the house and no idea why.

I don’t care what she thinks of me, I’m not being vetted by someone who is so vile to her own dc, I know I’m better than she is, because our weekends are spent undoing the damage this awful woman does. Everything she does is all dressed up as supposed concern for the dc, when it’s absolutely not, it’s about control.

She’s not coming within a million miles of me or anyone I care about

If it helps, my ex is a massive game player and I have been through this several times. I no longer bat an eyelid. No idea where my kids are when they’re with him. No idea what the girlfriend is like. I just listen to what they say and as long as I hear nothing worrying, it’s fine. He’s an absolute twat but part of his fun is winding me up. So I do ‘t let him.

As an aside, your children are young. Speak to a solicitor about knowing the address - mine said of 3 local judges with no proven history of abuse towards my ex on my part, 2 would order he gave me the address and she was 95% sure the other would. It would have cost me to get the address (and he rents so can move every 6 months!).
Solicitor suggested making sure all children knew my full name and could give my address as soon as they were able and they would be returned without too much trouble in the event of a genuine emergency.