Ex hasn't told me about existence of new GF. Or about the kids staying over at hers. Or that he's moving in with her.....

[stubbornstains]

I split up with XP when I was PG, due to his emotional abuse (mostly verbal outbursts, but also a bit of gaslighting and lying).

He's always been a decentish father to DS2 (now 2), and treats DS1(7) like his own, for which I am grateful. He did used to spend a lot of time with us as a quasi family for a long while, which was helpful in some ways, but at the cost of continued verbal abuse.

Last September he announced he was seeing someone, so I took the opportunity to cut all ties and tell him that he could have the kids EOW and one night in the week. One final argument and peace descended- I don't engage with him anymore apart from on practicalities to do with the kids.

Apparently that relationship didn't last long, and was over by Christmas, and in February DS1 announced that he had a new GF and that they'd met her . No word of this from XP. Soon DS1 was telling me about all the sleepovers they'd had with her, etc etc. Now DS1 is telling me that XP is soon to move in with GF, in her house , which is currently under construction, "there are no stairs", she has a teenage DD, and that DC1 and DC2 share a sofa bed in the living room.

I texted XP about this and he apologised for "not having been more explicit" (by which he must mean "saying not a word about the whole affair"). He confirmed the house is being renovated- no word yet as to whether he is, in fact, moving in.

Right now, I feel very angry, and am afraid I might do or say something I will regret. If DS1 didn't spend time with XP, I wouldn't even know about all this, because DS2 is too young to tell me things!

I think I know what I need to do - I would like to meet the new GF and see the house. At present, I don't even know the address, so what the hell would happen in an emergency? I'm pretty sure XP will do all in his power to stop me meeting her. I strongly suspect that he has told her, or at least implied, that I know all about the sleepovers, proposed move, etc.

I don't really want to meet her, but feel that I should meet this person who's spending so much time with my kids (they really like her BTW), and check this house out. I'm really going to need to get a grip though, because at the moment I just see myself spilling out all the stories of XP's abuse to her, which I know full well isn't a good idea.

I'm not envisaging ever living with a partner

Maybe it'll be third time lucky? So you were allowed a second crack of the whip but ex p must be celibate from now on?

You frankly sound totally unreasonable!!!

Oh my if DP's ex started demanding to see the INSIDE of my home just because her DS stays I would laugh hysterically then call the police!!

Well my ex didn't tell me he was moving, getting married, or having another baby.

Apparently my kids getting a half sibling was none of my business.

Sadly the others on here are right. He's under no obligation to tell you anything. Although obviously it would be nice if he did!

You are a parent as is your ex.
He has no say in how you parent, and you have no say in how he does it.
Unless the children are at risk of course.
It doesnt sound like they are in this case. It just sounds like you are upset thst you have found this information out from the kids, and not your ex. Because of this, you are considering threatening to stop contact!?

Just because you are quite happy to remain single does not mean your ex is or should have to

I really don't care whether he's in a relationship or not. As you say, it's none of my business. But when the kids are involved it becomes a different thing.

I suppose I will probably have more relationships myself, too. I just don't want to live with a man.

Well the kids dont sound at all like they are coming to harm so I would leave it.

When he told you about GF1- you reduced his contact significantly, and stopped talking to him. I can understand why he hasn’t mentioned GF2. You are already thinking about denying all contact because you do t like not being in control- I’d say that’s a pretty good reason to be slightly reticent about informing you that this relationship is more serious. I can understand wanting to know where the kids will be adress wise, but I don’t feel you have a right to want to inspect the house. I would want to meet the GF- but at handover, a hello and this x, should be sufficient- you do t need to interview her in her home without your ex present. I think both of you are being slightly unreasonable. But feel I can understand his reasons based on your previous reaction.

Thing is OP... He's either fit to have them or he isn't.
If you have genuine concerns around the children's safety then you need to stop unsupervised contact and see a solicitor ASAP.

If it's more a case of, they are safe But he's doing things you'd rather he wasn't then I'm afraid you're going to have to learn to handle that.

I spent months getting into arguments with my ex over stuff like this. Things that are important to me and that when we were together I thought were important to him a well. But the more I tried to insist that things should be done my way the more he railed against that.

It's horrible feeling like your children aren't being put first. And it's horrible when you feel that they aren't being looked after as well as you'd like them to be. But there comes a point when you realise that all you can do is damage limitation.

My ex still does things I hate. My kids really don't particularly like his new wife. But they go ever other weekend willingly and ultimately they come to no harm.

No, I didn't reduce his contact, SD. He used to come over, normally, one night in the week, and hang out with us all weekend. This wasn't great, because a) I never got a break, and ended up cooking for everybody, doing all the additional housework from having a houseful etc, and b) he used it as an opportunity to continue the abuse. About once a month, approx, there would be an awful outburst that would last a couple of hours and leave me sobbing. I mean, following me around the house and going on and on and on.....Over the course of about 18 months I made several efforts to try and distance him- at one point he spent several months sleeping on the floor of my house, and at that point the abuse was really bad. Every time I managed to grab a bit of space back, it was at the expense of a huge row. I had to push.....and push....and push to get my space back. The girlfriend was a huge relief, because it was an excuse to make the final break. Since then, there have been no more abusive attacks. Because, finally, he doesn't have the opportunity.

You want to check their house out? Really? Op so you mean to say it like that?
I understand you would like to meet the new gf, that's understandable, although he's not obliged to introduce you to her.
Do you have any suspicion that their house is unsafe? If so then you need to take ex to court to get a court order, that will require a home visit from a neural cafcass worker who will make a judgment on that.

If not, then you really have no place inspecting their house. I wouldn't want my exh to inspect my house (although he frequently comes into my house, well the downstairs anyway).

I do think you have a right to know their address but I'm not sure where the law stands on that.

(sorry, I should have added to that last post : So the contact didn't get less, I just formalised it, and me not being around means he actually has to do some of the boring hard stuff involved in parenting, rather than palming it off on me).

Thank you, cakey x

Either he is fit to parent them and make decisions about their welfare or he isn't.

As crap as it might feel I’m afraid he doesn’t have to run these things past you and you can’t make those demands.

My exh is the same, goes through women at a rate of knots, lets them meet the kids too early and moves in with them too early. All I can do is make sure I’m there stability and ignore him

Thank you blue dog. It's really helpful to hear from people who have gone through/ are going through the same thing.

Op what does DC1s father feel about your failed relationship?

Again, if he’s so awful why is he continuing to have a relationship with your older son?

And did he get to meet the boyfriend you had who your children met? Did you consult him on that? That you were seeing someone and he was spending time with your shared child?

I’m not sure what you want. No one here has agreed you have a right to investigate either his partner or her home. It’s not going to happen. You say you’re not going to “stop contact” and I doubt he’d just agree to it if you did AS HE’S CHOOSING TO CONTINUE TO SPEND TIME WITH YOUR OTHER CHILD AND YOUR SONS BOTH VALUE CONTACT.

Either he’s a terrible person who’s not safe around you or your children or he is and there’s nothing you can do about what he feeds them or where they sleep so you can either drive yourself mad worrying about what you can’t control or you remember he’s an equal parent and you have to take a deep breath and let it go.

It's not as simple as either/ or though, is it? There's a big middle ground between "great co parent" and "monster". There are probably always going to be doubts about an XP's parenting. Sometimes, these doubts will fade away and prove to be nothing in the grand scheme of things. Sometimes, they niggle and get bigger and do prove to be a genuine cause for concern.

I bet there isn't a parent who has cut contact who hasn't spent years watching what's going on with increasing concern, hoping it's not true, wondering whether to make that tough decision or not. There probably isn't a case to stop the kids seeing XP. But I will continue to keep my eyes open, just in case I'm wrong.

God forbid that my kids as adults should ever have cause to say "He did X for years, and mum never seemed to notice or step in". At the moment I'd say he's not a great parent, but good enough- the benefit to the DC outweighs any harm, yet there are causes for concern, and I have to keep looking out for these.

This thing about the house is an indication that I cannot trust him to be honest with me about stuff that might be important. There are possible concerns- IS the house really dangerous? I'm going on the word of a 7 year old versus the word of a proven liar! I also have a lot of concern over what happens as the DC get older, as abusive men often turn on kids when they enter their teenage years and start asserting their independence.

So, it's in no way as simple as "Either he's a goodie or a baddie". It never is. I feel I have to keep assessing new information, and constantly checking whether the benefits outweigh the drawbacks for the kids' wellbeing.

I dont think you can always take a 7 year olds word for it though either. Especially if they sense that their Mum has issues with their Dad, The house may be being renovated it doesnt mean its particularly dangerous, We renovated our whole house and had more children than you and had no issues, Your kids arent coming back in harm are they.
You do sound like you are having a problem not being in control of the situation, Which is fine and understandable, But honestly the best way to play this is to not alienate yourself by demanding things, These things take time, Mention you wouldnt mind perhaps meeting her and try and establish relationships that are positive ones for your kids sake.

My ex's son used to insist on only eating pizza when he was with us, then tell us his dm had said we weren't allowed to give him pizza. Kids are a big old bag of contradictions, so no you can't take their word for any of it. Even the pizza eating (I hate pizza so it wasn't me suggesting it, it was him refusing to eat anything else. So it was that or he went hungry. And I can imagine the dm reaction if that had happened).

I have been in this position. It’s not nice but you can’t start making demands. By all means, get their new address so you know where your kids are, but I don’t see why you have to see the house first? That’s quite intrusive. However, if they are moving in together it’s probably serious, so I don’t think asking to meet her is unreasonable. Of course it’s a worry that this stranger is around your children all the time. As I say, I’ve been in this position before and I felt exactly the same. But in hindsight it really wasn’t any of my business and I couldn’t realistically do anything about it. Try to remain unbiased for your kids.

Is DC1’s Dad not on the scene?

My partner's ex only lets him see his DD at hers; hundreds of miles away. Hasn't let her come to ours in years. For absolutely no reason other than she doesn't want her to. Of course it's had an impact, but hey ho, as long as his ex is in control.

I think you’re being ridiculous

Actually I do think it would positive for you to meet her, and you should know the address if that's generally where they stay when they're with their dad.