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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex hasn't told me about existence of new GF. Or about the kids staying over at hers. Or that he's moving in with her.....

56 replies

stubbornstains · 22/12/2017 19:53

I split up with XP when I was PG, due to his emotional abuse (mostly verbal outbursts, but also a bit of gaslighting and lying).

He's always been a decentish father to DS2 (now 2), and treats DS1(7) like his own, for which I am grateful. He did used to spend a lot of time with us as a quasi family for a long while, which was helpful in some ways, but at the cost of continued verbal abuse.

Last September he announced he was seeing someone, so I took the opportunity to cut all ties and tell him that he could have the kids EOW and one night in the week. One final argument and peace descended- I don't engage with him anymore apart from on practicalities to do with the kids.

Apparently that relationship didn't last long, and was over by Christmas, and in February DS1 announced that he had a new GF and that they'd met her Hmm. No word of this from XP. Soon DS1 was telling me about all the sleepovers they'd had with her, etc etc. Now DS1 is telling me that XP is soon to move in with GF, in her house , which is currently under construction, "there are no stairs", she has a teenage DD, and that DC1 and DC2 share a sofa bed in the living room.

I texted XP about this and he apologised for "not having been more explicit" (by which he must mean "saying not a word about the whole affair"). He confirmed the house is being renovated- no word yet as to whether he is, in fact, moving in.

Right now, I feel very angry, and am afraid I might do or say something I will regret. If DS1 didn't spend time with XP, I wouldn't even know about all this, because DS2 is too young to tell me things!

I think I know what I need to do - I would like to meet the new GF and see the house. At present, I don't even know the address, so what the hell would happen in an emergency? I'm pretty sure XP will do all in his power to stop me meeting her. I strongly suspect that he has told her, or at least implied, that I know all about the sleepovers, proposed move, etc.

I don't really want to meet her, but feel that I should meet this person who's spending so much time with my kids (they really like her BTW), and check this house out. I'm really going to need to get a grip though, because at the moment I just see myself spilling out all the stories of XP's abuse to her, which I know full well isn't a good idea.

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 22/12/2017 19:56

Im not sure you have any right to make those demands tbh

Tinselistacky · 22/12/2017 19:56

As much as it is shitty, he isn't under any obligation to tell you anything!!
Legally (maybe not morally) he can make decisions regarding the dc and what happens in his time /home /life and you don't get a say. Same applies to you though.

disappearingninepatch · 22/12/2017 19:59

You don't need to meet her. Are you going to introduce any man you have a relationship to your ex?

Original poster
stubbornstains · 22/12/2017 20:03

disappearing I realise I haven't made clear that the reason I want to meet her- and without him around- is that I want to check the house out, where the kids will be spending 4 nights a fortnight. It sounds dangerous- on the say so of a 7 year old Hmm. I don't want to see it with him because a) I don't trust him any more, and b) I don't want to lay myself open to any more verbal abuse. This also means that I don't trust him to have the kids' best interests in mind, sadly.

OP posts:
twattymctwatterson · 22/12/2017 20:05

You really don't have the right to demand to see the inside of this woman's house. Either he is able to make parenting decisions when they are with him or he isn't

Chocolate254 · 22/12/2017 20:07

You cant demand to see the inside of her house Shock

Tinselistacky · 22/12/2017 20:07

If he was so untrustworthy you would have voiced your worries with a solicitor and be going to court. ..
The voice of experience here tells you to keep your energy for the days you have your dc, focus on your relationship not on the one your dc have /haven't got with their df.

running3 · 22/12/2017 20:09

I think as the mother of your children you are well within your rights to know whose house they are staying in. But it's important to try and keep things amicable so I guess just think carefully about how you approach it.

Aminuts23 · 22/12/2017 20:11

You can’t demand to meet her or go in her house. How intrusive. Your ex is a parent just exactly the same as you are. He’s going to keep them just as safe as you do.

Taylor22 · 22/12/2017 20:15

You have absolutely no right to see that house!
And if I were her I'd tell you where to go!

Yes he could've been more forthcoming. It would've been better for him to be more honest.
But you really don't get a say in what happens during his time.

Original poster
stubbornstains · 22/12/2017 20:16

I just feel that I have the ultimate responsibility to the kids, to be the one who makes sure they're safe (and have somewhere to be where they feel secure). I wish I didn't feel that way. I wish XP could be that person, but I don't have any confidence in his ability to put them first. IDK, is it OK for them to be sharing a bed in a public room for the forseeable future? For a toddler to be somewhere that sounds actively hazardous? And if I don't look out for them, who's going to, since it seems that XP doesn't care?

OP posts:
greenlanes · 22/12/2017 20:17

Fair enough to know the address, for you to know her full name, for you and he to exchange emergency contact details (which might include hers).

She will gain just by dint of living at the same address and with the father "parent" rights in education so she will be able to go to school for parents meeting etc. You cannot stop that (terrible I think).

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/12/2017 20:18

What are you going to do if she refuses to meet you and let you inspect her home? Stop contact?

She has her own children living with her, I’m sure her home is safe for them and for your children.

What you do when they’re with you and who they spend time with, where they sleep etc is up to you. When they’re with him he gets to make all of those decisions. He’s either a safe responsible man who’s fit to care for children or he’s not. It sounds like he is.

And worth remembering you thought enough of him to have a child with him, to continue to let him parent your older child, to spend a lot of time with after you split up. So threatening to trash him to his new partner is a bit rich.

Taylor22 · 22/12/2017 20:19

That may be how you feel. But that doesn't translate to rights.

What are you going to do stop them going?
So he takes you to court for HIS child but then that could leave your oldest abandoned?

You have to let it go, many many siblings have to temporarily share a bed.
Many children have to bunk down when they're house is being done up.

No judge is going to say you can go and inspect the house.

Original poster
stubbornstains · 22/12/2017 20:19

Well, he never goes to/ cares about parent meetings, so I doubt she will. (They could if they wanted, I wouldn't have a problem with it).

OP posts:
Taylor22 · 22/12/2017 20:21

And worth remembering you thought enough of him to have a child with him, to continue to let him parent your older child, to spend a lot of time with after you split up. So threatening to trash him to his new partner is a bit rich.

This with bells on.

Original poster
stubbornstains · 22/12/2017 20:26

I could threaten to stop contact. Part of me thinks that this is what he wants, so then he wouldn't have the bother of having to parent. I don't want to do that, though. It wouldn't be the best thing to do for any of us.

But I'm getting an almost unanimous reply here. None of my business. In a way, that's what I want to hear. It means I don't have to bother with something that is difficult and painful and that I don't want to do.

But....it's not going to stop me worrying about their welfare. And who's going to worry about them if I don't? Because I genuinely don't think he does Sad

OP posts:
Jobjobjob · 22/12/2017 20:43

But....it's not going to stop me worrying about their welfare. And who's going to about them if I don't? Because I genuinely don't think he does

But you're still happy for him to see your oldest DC?

Honestly, the guy wants to move on without you having to approve be it!

What you've got a new partner and are renovating a house, so you have no stairs, do tell ex DH so he can supervise!

Jobjobjob · 22/12/2017 20:44

Also what injuries have the DC come back with so far......

Original poster
stubbornstains · 22/12/2017 20:46

I'm not envisaging ever living with a partner. I don't want to. I don't need to. I don't want to risk causing any more disruption for the kids. I am very worried that, once he has his feet under her table, he will start to be abusive towards her, and that the kids are going to get caught up in the crossfire.

OP posts:
Original poster
stubbornstains · 22/12/2017 20:47

I really don't want to wait until they start coming back with injuries.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 22/12/2017 20:47

If he didn’t care or wasn’t bothered why has he continued to have a lovely relationship with his stepchild? He doesn’t have to and you could easily stop that anytime which he’ll know and must be difficult but he does it anyway! You say your children are happy and enjoy contact. That’s good for them and the break is good for you, try not to worry too much about them when they’re with him. No one’s saying it’s easy but you haven’t said anything specific that worries you about when they’re with your ex.

You can ask your ex for his new address. You can let him know that if his partner would ever like to meet you you’d be happy to, but I wouldn’t take it further than that. Your children will tell you what the house is like but let them do so without pressing it. Bunking up for a bit won’t do them lasting damage. They’re still little, they’re so adaptable at that age.

Try not to worry too much.

You don’t say if you have a partner yourself but any rules you try to apply to your ex’s relationships might then be the same the other way round.

He’s an equal parent. Don’t threaten to stop contact. Don’t interrogate him or the children. Try and trust that he’s looking after them properly, even if his way is different to yours, and that they’re happy, safe and well.

mustresistwine · 22/12/2017 20:52

Exes like you are the reason the step parenting forum is full of women close to breaking point!

And as for ‘I could stop contact’...

You could TRY but you would be on the wrong side of the courts and also a shit parent if you did this Sad

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/12/2017 20:53

X post on you having a partner.

The bit I really don’t understand is why if he’s so awful you let him have an ongoing relationship with your older son, or why you spent time as a family once your split up? If he was an unfit parent you’d have stopped contact and told him to take you to court for time with your shared son and he’d have had no right to any time with his stepchild. You say all was relatively amicable post split till he got together with his previous partner and then you formalised contact. Not because of anything he did other than get a girlfriend.

I can see that you’re upset but a lot of this is quite confusing/contradictory and you’re very vague on what any specific issues are.

Original poster
stubbornstains · 22/12/2017 20:55

Hmmm...it's not entirely lovely Anne, DC1 does enjoy it, and really gets something out of being close to XP. He tells me he also enjoys playing computer games the entire weekend, and eating frozen pizza every time they go over Hmm. I don't interfere with that, but I really don't think it's good for him.

I don't interrogate DS1 at all, he won't stop volunteering stuff! I'd rather not know!

I don't have a partner myself. I was seeing someone, and he hung out with the kids as "my friend" for a couple of afternoons. I didn't like the way he was with the kids (didn't like quite a few of the other things he did, either), so I ended it.

OP posts: