What's fair in this situation?

[Gottagetthroughthis17]

My STBX is moving out in January.

He does not have a job at the moment as he was trying to start a business but it hasn't come to anything.

I have my own business and have worked my backside off to get it to a good level where I can actually start saving now. I'm hoping to buy a house for me and my children next year (currently renting).

He wants us to sell the car which is actually mine and to give him half (about 10k) so he can buy a car.

He also wants enough money to furnish a rented flat that he'll moving in to, so that's another 3-4K.

He also wants me to pay for his living expenses and bills until he finds himself a job. In return he will do the school run each way, and help out after school for a couple of hours until I get home from work.

I'm right in thinking he's taking the piss right? I am not rich by any means at all, and all my money goes back in to he business and have also been paying all bills and absolutely everything for us all whilst he's been out of work for the last year. He has been doing the school run and a couple of hours after school as per above.

The children will definitely ve staying with me, here's no question of that. I'll be reducing my hours at work within about 6 weeks, so I can do school run and be home for them. I was always planning to do that anyway, only now I will be a single mum.

I can't afford to give him all this money as I have a family to provide for and a business to run.

He does / did gamble.

What are your thoughts?

I should say, we aren't actually married and have 2 children together.

He’s taking the piss.

Giving money to a gambler is trouble. You know that.

But, he does need to be able to give the kids a comfortable place to stay too. Is there a compromise to be had? You buy some Argos/Ikea vouchers to help with furnishing the flat? Or give him (some of) your furniture and you buy some new stuff?

The car would piss me off-why does he need a car that costs that much? I saw a lovely 60 plate VW polo for sale the other day for 3k!

He’s definitely taking the piss. He seriously expects you to pay for his life for a few months after you have split up and aren’t living together? What a chancer!

He’s having a fucking laugh. As you’re not married you don’t owe him a single penny and I bet he knows that and is chancing his arm. Cheeky bugger. It sounds like he wants you to pay him for looking after his own children. Huh? He’s not working so he should be doing it anyway but if you think he’s going to be unreliable if you don’t pay him then organise wrap around care for the 6 weeks till you can do it yourself.

Don’t sell the car!

He’s being a complete prick and if you want to help him out you get to decide by how much and he doesn’t get to put any conditions on it.

Hang on, ‘he will help’ do the school run for his own kids.

No!

The kids belong to both of you so you are both responsible for the daily tasks. One partner should not be paid to do it.

Your money, your car, he can walk

The only thing I would maybe consider helping with if you feel you want to is furnishing the flat as your Dc’s Will appreciate being able to see dad in a nice environment.

If you're not married he's not actually entitled to anything and if he's a gambler you are crazy relying on him for childcare.

Get a nanny/au pair depending on the age of the DC and save yourself a lot of heartache.

Would it be unreasonable of me to suggest he get second hand furniture, and then he can get new when he's earning money?

Cross posts!

Thank you, thank you! He is a cheeky fucker which is one of the reasons I wanted to split.

Do you currently have your own furniture? Could you give him one of the DCs beds and replace one and he buys another? Depends on how nice you’re feeling!

I left my ex with next to nothing and had to furnish a rented place. I went to emmaus the charity and other charity shops and Wilkos and the sales and kitted my place out on a shoestring. Bed was £150, bookcases were £20, wardrobe for £60, someone bought me a kettle, I got cheap and cheerful kitchen essentials for pennies. None of it matched but it did the job.

If he wants to have swanky stuff he can get a bloody job and pay for it.

Of course second hand is fine. How do you think most people manage? But it’s not your job to tell him or get it from him. He’s an adult and he’s now single, he’ll find his feet but only if he has to and if you prop him up he’ll rely on you to wipe his arse.

Car - no way
Pay all his living costs in exchange for a couple of hours childcare - err no - cost out a childminder and see what that would cost you but I can’t see it being more that the rent food and bills for an adult. If he’s not working then he should be parenting his own children in leiu of paying maintenance.
Furniture - how come he gets to buy new ? I would consider splitting the furniture in your house now and then maybe looking on Facebook gumtree freecycle for cheap replacements for the rest of it, particularly stuff like children’s beds and wardrobes (buy new mattresses) so that he can manage contact with them.
If he’s a gambler I wouldn’t give him the best part of £10k in cash as there’s a very good chance it won’t be used as intended and he will be back with his hand out.

What has his contribution to the family been while he hasn't been working, has he been the main childcare provider op? Also im assuming he contributed to firnishing the home yoy will be staying in , is he able to take some things from the home maybe to tide him over. I don't agree you should be covering his living expenses though, nor unless the children will be living with him after the split.

Omg I've never heard of such a chancer. I would laugh if he wasn't such a gobshite. If his business isn't making money he can get a bloody job. Oh no wait, he doesn't want to do that he wants you to pay for everything. Tell he to f$ck right off and you'll be claiming maintenance for the kids. Breakfast club and afterschool club for the kids for six weeks, won't kill them.
And honest do you think he won't gamble away all this free money he expects you to throw at him. Money you are working your arse off to secure you and your kids futures!
I'll bet my life that weeks after you give him all this cash he'll be back for more. The only people who will benefit will be the bookies.
No no no!!!

Depends what you want?!..... if you want time on the relationship don't give him the money he wants .... but a good divorce lawyer will get it out of you anyhow .... if you want the relationship to work .... have the hard conversation with him .... only give him money for the car ... depends what you want

They’re not married so I doubt a divorce lawyer would have much to say on the matter. And when did OP say she didn’t want the relationship to end. Her ex is a gambler and a chancer. She’s the one juggling childcare and self employment while he bums around not even looking for work and expecting to be paid for looking after his children.

Don’t be daft.

Justoneme? If OP wants the relationship to work hand over 10k? How does that help fix a relationship???

StBX sees her as a cash cow already. Hasn't work in a year already and wants a ton of money to 'help out' by spending time with HIS own kids.
No no no!
They're not married. He's not sole carer of the kids so even if he got a shl he wouldn't get a penny. He'd be paying child maintenance to her!

What a fucker! Chancing fucker.

What the fuck?!

He's a gambler that you're finally splitting with (well done) and he wants you to hand over the best part of 15K to him in return for him actually fulfilling some parenting duties?

Er - no.

You don't owe him a fucking PENNY.

Tell him that the sums he sees as 'his' money are already earmarked for helping support your JOINT children post-split, when you will already be taking a pay cut to make sure you can take the time out to look after them.

He, on the other hand, will now have practically all his time free to build up that business - far more so than you. So he'll be free to earn money in a way you won't, so no, if anyone should be handing over funds it will eventually be HIM - the non-resident parent who doesn't have to fund a house for 3+ people, childcare, food for a family, bills for heating and lighting and everything else which is more expensive when you're a single parent of resident growing children.

As for the 'help' with HIS OWN FUCKING CHILDREN, you can point out that actually you soon won't need it but that in the meantime he will be doing it because THEY ARE ALSO HIS RESPONSIBILITY. As will be paying maintenance for them.

Finally, the gambling. Well that seals it then - no, don't give a penny. Unless you fancy literally taking away some of your children's security to hand over to the bookies.

He has absolutely no claim to anything here. If he were to ask the opinion of anyone - solicitor, social services - the response would be an astonished - 'But it's YOU that owe maintenance to HER - she is completely funding the raising of your joint children?!'

If you want to be nice to him you could say that you won't put in a maintenance claim until he has saved for a car etc. But that he absolutely WILL be having them for contact and will also be 'helping' out as required!

He wants to get paid for looking after his own kids?

If helped acquire the furniture you guys can split that but every single other point is insane.

He needs to find work because he needs to pay maintenance for his children.

I've just spoken to him and he's not happy that I'm not going to fund him. He acted really shocked, his face was a picture

He needs to stand on his own two feet, provide for his children for the first time in his life and grow the hell up.

Twat. I can't wait for the next few weeks to be over.

To answer a question, he didn't help to buy the furniture here as I had everything before I met him.

I don't mind giving him a few things but I'm not happy giving him actual money. He needs to earn that himself, as as a pp poster said, if he wants flash he'll have to work for it, including car and furniture.

As you are not married you do not have to give him a penny.

Poor little thing will have to get a job and fend for himself like the rest of us. I genuinely wouldn't give him anything and would not be reliant on him for childcare as may mean him being in your home?

Make sure you change the locks as soon as he moves out.

Hes ripping the utter piss trying to get you to agree to that!!

I would tell him to fuck right off into the sun.