Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What's fair in this situation?

69 replies

Gottagetthroughthis17 · 22/12/2017 15:27

My STBX is moving out in January.

He does not have a job at the moment as he was trying to start a business but it hasn't come to anything.

I have my own business and have worked my backside off to get it to a good level where I can actually start saving now. I'm hoping to buy a house for me and my children next year (currently renting).

He wants us to sell the car which is actually mine and to give him half (about 10k) so he can buy a car.

He also wants enough money to furnish a rented flat that he'll moving in to, so that's another 3-4K.

He also wants me to pay for his living expenses and bills until he finds himself a job. In return he will do the school run each way, and help out after school for a couple of hours until I get home from work.

I'm right in thinking he's taking the piss right? I am not rich by any means at all, and all my money goes back in to he business and have also been paying all bills and absolutely everything for us all whilst he's been out of work for the last year. He has been doing the school run and a couple of hours after school as per above.

The children will definitely ve staying with me, here's no question of that. I'll be reducing my hours at work within about 6 weeks, so I can do school run and be home for them. I was always planning to do that anyway, only now I will be a single mum.

I can't afford to give him all this money as I have a family to provide for and a business to run.

He does / did gamble.

What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
Gottagetthroughthis17 · 22/12/2017 18:39

Is there any situation where his requests would be considered fair? I just want to try and understand why he feels entitled to all this.

OP posts:
toastedteacakesandjam · 22/12/2017 18:40

You're going to be the single parent with the kids so shouldn't it be the other way around? WTAF?! Is he another child fgs? What a loser he is you are well rid don't give him a penny!

thegrinchreaper · 22/12/2017 18:48

Some people are just entitled. There's no point trying to understand it. My ex has always thought he was somehow special and deserved everything handed to him even when not working. He's now working but driving a car he can't afford complete with stupid personalised plate, living in a house he can't afford, borrowing money for holidays he can't afford- because he thinks he's entitled to the very best in life. He can't afford to pay maintenance, of course. Because he's too busy living like a ten bob millionaire!

Thingsdogetbetter · 22/12/2017 19:26

If you were a rich and he had been a sahd (ie given up his job to support your career and look after the children) then setting him up in a new flat with transport until he got a job he was proactively looking for, then yes it would be fair. But that's not your situation so he's just an entitled chancer!

Is he still living in your house? If he is, i can see problems getting his cocklodger ass out. Lawyer time!
If not and the house is in your name then lock change asap!

Thingsdogetbetter · 22/12/2017 19:34

Bugger. Just realised that he's still in the home til January. Whose name is the property in? If it's both then he is entitled to stay, and being a cocklodger he will probably be hard to shift now he realises that you aren't going to fund him . You might have to consider a reasonable cash bribe to get him out. But nothing like he seems to think he is entitled to.
I did this before to get rid of an abusive ex. Money well spent for my mh, happiness and peace of mind. Make sure you get him to sign legal documents giving up all claim to property.

If it's legally in your name then huzzah. Kick his asz out!

Ilovetolurk · 22/12/2017 19:35

He wouldn’t get anything from me OP other than help furnishing your DCs bedrooms at his and possibly a sofa so they get the benefit

FizzyGreenWater · 22/12/2017 19:37

No. No situation at all.

You are two adults who are equally able bodied.

You have children that you are jointly and equally responsible for.

So far, the split seems to be:

  • you with the children funding everything and also cutting back on your work hours to be able to do so, thus hampering your earning power slightly.
  • him having to move out of the house thus having to set himself up in a new place, however, he has no children resident so only has to sort himself, and so far assumption that he gets all his time pretty much free to earn.

It's no good him saying you 'have all the joint stuff'. You don't - the children do. They have to come first and they need housing and money for heating and lighting etc etc.

Everything else you 'have' is stuff YOU have earned and paid for by a. working fucking hard and b. putting your kids and home life first and not gambling! Angry

There is no way on earth any of this can be twisted to say you owe him the car YOU will be using to ferry his kids around ofr any of hte money YOU will be using to tide his kids over when/if he doesn't have the cash for maintenance. The ONLY thing which would be relevant is if, as pp say, he'd put aside a career to be SAHD. But he hasn't. Quite the opposite - he's gambled money away while you have worked your ass off.

I'm so glad you told him where to go.

He will be the one owing YOU, by law. And by common sense and everything else!

Absolute scrounger.

FizzyGreenWater · 22/12/2017 19:38

He feels entitled for the same reason he presumably felt entitled to gamble - because he's a shit partner and a scrounger!

FrogFairy · 22/12/2017 19:45

Tell him to check out your local community furniture project.

They will help him set up home for peanuts with 2nd hand furniture, he can replace with new once he is working.

Original poster
Gottagetthroughthis17 · 22/12/2017 19:51

Hmm, ok. The thing is I have asked him to get a job many times before now, and he always managed to convince me that if he did my life would become infinitely harder, therefore it would be best he continues to 'work on his business'. He has known for a long time that this split was coming, yet he chose not to get himself a job. He's using the excuse that he was doing it to help me, but that's just bullshit.

OP posts:
category12 · 22/12/2017 19:57

If he's been out of work for the last year, the likelihood or motivation for him finding something while you pay his way - well, he's not going to be in any rush, is he?

You'd be better getting wraparound childcare for the 6 weeks than paying him off to do it (and use that as a reason not to be able to find a job).

honeyroar · 22/12/2017 20:05

I'd offer to buy him a few pieces of second hand furniture as a gesture - a settee and single beds for the kids (so they're sorted at their dad's..), and that is absolutely a gesture, not something you owe him. He's sponged off you far too long already. Tell him that if he grumbles. Concentrate on getting yourself and the children sorted. He is not your problem and I reckon you're going to be amazed how much easier life is after he's gone!

Original poster
Gottagetthroughthis17 · 22/12/2017 20:06

I just looked at the flat he wants to rent, and it's only got one bedroom! So he isn't even considering the kids at all, selfish fucker. Where are they meant to sleep, the floor?!Angry

OP posts:
category12 · 22/12/2017 20:17

Oh right. He's not planning on having them at all.

Thebluedog · 22/12/2017 20:18

You’re not married so he’s entitled to nothing. It’s just the way it is I’m afraid, rightly or wrongly.

As for childminding - they are HIS kids ffs!

Do what you set out to do, reduce your hours and you’ll have to pay for childcare when your dc are with you, When you want/need to work. He’ll have to do the same (if he gets a job)

I can see no reason why you’d ever consider his requests. He’s just changing his arm and trying to get you to continue to find his life.

Thebluedog · 22/12/2017 20:19

Oh and if he does get work he’ll need to pay child maintenance.

Sunny779 · 22/12/2017 20:20

I would be proactive and get some legal advice before doing anything and find out where you stand. Most do 30 mins free assessment. At least you know then that you're being fair as well what you're likely to have to do when it goes down that route and if he had nothing, it may well do. He is totally taking the piss at the moment. If you don't meet his demands you can be sure he'll be checking what he's entitled to legally.

honeyroar · 22/12/2017 20:21

To be fair, he won't be able to afford two beds if he's jobless and useless. He'd have to sleep on the couch when he had them.

timeisnotaline · 22/12/2017 20:28

Some people are just entitled. If it's one bed because he's not planning on having the kids then I wouldn't give him any furniture or help him buy any second hand (the car and £3-3k for furniture requests are just an obvious fuck off. We moved to an unfurnished place last year and had to buy everything which we did second hand on a shoestring like many normal people) . If the flat is one bed because he recognises he doesn't have money, and he will sleep on the sofa when he has the kids I'd think about letting him have a couple of items of furniture.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 22/12/2017 20:56

Erm if he’s going to be the non-resident parent he should be giving money to you, not the other way around.

I’d hazard a guess if the shoe was on the other foot and you were making all these unreasonable demands he’d laugh in your face and tell you to piss off.

Oh and tell him to get a job and buy second hand furniture (most of ours is second hand and despite a few scratches are perfectly serviceable) and get over himself Hmm

Well done for getting rid of this sack of crap, I sincerely hope 2018 will be a much better year for you and your DC Flowers

Maelstrop · 23/12/2017 00:30

Is the house in your name? Legally, he has no right to ask you for anything and you should not be funding him. Certainly don’t sell your car! You need a decent car to transport your dc. He needs to get a bloody job.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 23/12/2017 00:36

The reason he feels entitled to this is because he’s a deluded gambler.

Do not give him money or quality belongings. He will sell them to fund his habit.

He’s a lazy ccklodging gambler, don’t give him anything. Time for him to grow the fuck up,

Original poster
Gottagetthroughthis17 · 23/12/2017 08:03

He's being unbearable today. I'm not sure how we'll get through Christmas, I don't want our children's Christmas to be ruined.

He was being all nicey nice about the split until I said I couldn't fund him, now he's insulting me, constant digs, questioning my mental health.

After Christmas he's gone. Sod waiting until Jan. I think he'll show his true colours as a dad when he's gone. I feel so sick for them.

OP posts:
happypoobum · 23/12/2017 09:25

Seriously, take him to one side and tell him one more snide comment and he's out on his ear, Christmas or no Christmas.

He is taking advantage of the fact it is Christmas to enjoy himself by trying to bring you down a peg or two.

Fuck that shit. Flowers

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 23/12/2017 09:35

Personally I wouldn't wait until after Xmas, you are being too bloody nice! No doubt you are doing all the work/organising over Xmas and he will reap the benefits whilst insulting you in your own home!!! The sooner this utter waste of space goes the better for you, your sanity and your kids. God, useless fucktard men make me sickXmas Angry