What's fair in this situation?

[Gottagetthroughthis17]

My STBX is moving out in January.

He does not have a job at the moment as he was trying to start a business but it hasn't come to anything.

I have my own business and have worked my backside off to get it to a good level where I can actually start saving now. I'm hoping to buy a house for me and my children next year (currently renting).

He wants us to sell the car which is actually mine and to give him half (about 10k) so he can buy a car.

He also wants enough money to furnish a rented flat that he'll moving in to, so that's another 3-4K.

He also wants me to pay for his living expenses and bills until he finds himself a job. In return he will do the school run each way, and help out after school for a couple of hours until I get home from work.

I'm right in thinking he's taking the piss right? I am not rich by any means at all, and all my money goes back in to he business and have also been paying all bills and absolutely everything for us all whilst he's been out of work for the last year. He has been doing the school run and a couple of hours after school as per above.

The children will definitely ve staying with me, here's no question of that. I'll be reducing my hours at work within about 6 weeks, so I can do school run and be home for them. I was always planning to do that anyway, only now I will be a single mum.

I can't afford to give him all this money as I have a family to provide for and a business to run.

He does / did gamble.

What are your thoughts?

I see your point about Christmas. My best Christmases were the ones where my parents were being openly vile to each other when they thought we couldn't hear and snide or silent when they knew we could hear. Oh happy days. So good of them to stay together for the sake of the children.

Look, if you can't handle the stress of booting him out to a crap hotel then that's fine. Don't pretend you are doing it for the benefit of your children though. You will be keeping him longer despite the crap Christmas for the children. That is OK, if your MH can't take getting rid now but don't lie to yourself about the reasons, that's how you find yourself in relationships long after they've gone rotten.

Runrabbit - I don't know what to say.

So many people stay together for the children. I honestly thought I could convince myself to love him over time. But I know it's not possible.

I admit I'm scared of him. He is nice when he wants to be, and mean and cruel when things aren't going his way.

I feel proud that I have got to the point to feel strong enough to boot him out. It's not an easy thing to do. I was kidding myself all this time that the kids would benefit from him being here, but as soon as I realised that wasn't the case I told him he had to leave. He wouldn't accept it, unless I completed a course of therapy first - he was blaming my mh for me not loving him. Now that I have had a lot of therapy sessions he is accepting it, but wanted money.

We agreed he could stay until Jan so long as he was civil. He was being civil until I told him he couldn't leech off me any more.

It's not easy and believe me I feel guilty enough for my children as it is. But I AM putting a stop to it. If he had his way he would carry on living like this forever because it suits him.

Kick him out now and let him back for Christmas IF he promises to be civil. Else the next week or two will be awful.

He's taking advantage because it's Christmas. Can you ask him to leave today? Rip the plaster off. Your Christmas is going to be miserable if he hangs around.

Were you planning on having Christmas at your house? I'd be inclined to go to friends/family or have some supportive friends/family over and get him out. Switch off your phone and be done with it.

We have plans every day until 27th seeing various members of my family. I'm hosting Christmas Day at my house and my parents are coming.

I have some thinking to do. The thing is, I don't think he would leave today if I asked him to. It would be a matter of asking the police to throw him out which would be more distressing for the kids. It's difficult to speak to him as the kids are around.

It's just my name on the lease so legally I can get him out, I just want to do so with minimum upset.

I think unfortunately he knows this and he's using it against you. I would have him out and tell him that you are prepared to call the police if he causes any scene.

He knows he has no leg to stand in and he's bullying you. My ex was a cock lodger he sounds very similar to yours, I actually gave him money as I left with my son to live with my friend. He has never paid child care to go to work, he has no idea of the real cost of having a child. They are just ignorant and entitled and you will never understand it because you are a decent human being

Errr big fat no. No to selling the car. No to cash handouts. If he wants paying for school drop offs etc then that’s your call but I’d rather pay an after school club etc than put money in his grubby little mitts. What a wanker. You’re not his mother and he’s been having a free ride up until now. If the kids are his then he should be doing childcare/school stuff for zero money because he’s their fucking parent!!! FFS. I’ve never heard anything so bloody cheeky to want money for dropping his own kids off. Tell him to jog on. Apply for benefits and sort his own shit out for once. You owe this guy zilch.

prettywhiteguitar - do you mind if I ask how often your cocklodger ex has your dcs? Or did he end up not really bothering to see them full stop?

Could you tell him to leave WHILE your parents and family are around? While you've got some support and backup? I doubt he will meekly trot off after Xmas, he will find another "valid" reason to have to stay. Once he's gone your life is going to be so much easier.

This won’t be a popular view but if you really want to defer everything till after Christmas you could backtrack and say you will sort him out financially but want to have discussions after Christmas and in the meantime can we have nice Christmas for dc

Then out he goes with knobs on on 28th

Where is he going to go after Christmas? He won't be able to rent a flat with no job or money. Does he have family who will put him up?

Not that that's your problem. You've been more than accommodating. But just be prepared for the wailing about where he's supposed to go (should have thought about that before he didn't bother getting a job).

And definitely, DEFINITELY don't give a gambler money. You know exactly what he's going to do with that.

You made a deal that he could stay until January so long as he was civil. He has stopped being civil.

Why not remind him of the deal. Remind him that either he starts being civil or he leaves immediately and you will call the police to make him leave.

Tbh, if he is being awful and you boot him out then it would be a bloody good Christmas present for your DDs to see that women do not have to take this crap, that their mum does not have to just take this crap, that in future when some bloke is dicking them around they think "what would mum do?" and get rid of their dickhead instead of putting up with it.

No point giving ultimatums or making deals if you don't stick to the terms. You are only making noises that make you fool yourself otherwise and the other person knows they can safely ignore any terms you set. Especially if they are a super dick about it.

Couldn’t agree more with RunRabbit.

Gottagetthroughthis17 we broke up 10 years ago now and I can't say that it's been easy, I had to nag him, ask for help. Withdraw contact when he was doing drugs. Use solicitors and nag some more, actually got a lot better once I had a bf and he wanted to assert himself as a dad.

We have had blips on the way but we get on now and my son is happy

Op, don't feel bad. You chucking him out is your children seeing you chose happiness. It's a great thing to show them, that those tough decisions are theirs to make, and they can pick ways to make their life better.
Shut up and put up never did much for anyone's mental states.

Well done, it might be tough now, but you are so doing the right thing.

Hi OP, here is my 2p worth.

"He also wants enough money to furnish a rented flat that he'll moving in to, so that's another 3-4K." My friend left an abusive relationship and rented an unfurnished flat, she certainly did not have 3-4K to do it, yet the place was furnished. So second hand etc until he can afford better. There is a bit of snobbyness around second-hand but any time you eat in a restaurant or sleep in a hotel everything you touch is literally 'second-hand', if that makes sense.

"He also wants me to pay for his living expenses and bills until he finds himself a job." Just say no, he needs to sign on for whatever benefits he can get and then he needs to look look look for a job. It's a great time to look as a lot of people change job around New Year.

"In return he will do the school run each way, and help out after school for a couple of hours until I get home from work." Fuck that for a game of soldiers, don't use his services for the kids. Get some help from friends until you can work around school pick ups, this isn't Mrs Doubtfire!

"I'm right in thinking he's taking the piss right?" Yes.

"I'll be reducing my hours at work within about 6 weeks, so I can do school run and be home for them. I was always planning to do that anyway, only now I will be a single mum." Well done for planning for your kids.

"I can't afford to give him all this money as I have a family to provide for and a business to run." Can I ask how you got your business off the ground? Did you work too, full or part-time while setting it up?

I guess I feel running a business is really hard, and most people who do start businesses work first to make ends meet. If this is true this must be what he does.

"He does / did gamble." Then no money, vouchers or buy items for him if you can.

"What are your thoughts?" You've had a hard time and you have my sympathy, my friend was in a relationship with a gambler and that was hard.

"I admit I'm scared of him. He is nice when he wants to be, and mean and cruel when things aren't going his way."

If he does anything remotely violent please, please call the police or women's aid.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

How has today gone?

If he has been 'difficult' at all, I agree with honeyroar "Could you tell him to leave WHILE your parents and family are around? While you've got some support and backup? I doubt he will meekly trot off after Xmas, he will find another "valid" reason to have to stay. Once he's gone your life is going to be so much easier."

Good luck OP.

How are you doing today, OP?