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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to approach / handle this?

53 replies

Username7654321 · 21/12/2017 21:08

Basically FIL keeps trying to kiss me.
Not a 'snog' or anything (hate that word), a peck on the lips but it's definitely becoming inappropriate.
I always give him a peck on the lips when saying hello or goodbye, but often he'll approach me later and kiss me again. And again.
On Tuesday was at PIL's house for MIL's birthday. FIL was cooking in the kitchen, I said I'd give him a hand. We get on very well. I have a bad relationship with my father and see FIL as a father figure (which is why I find this hard to deal with I imagine).
Anyway we'd already done the obligatory hello-kiss. In the kitchen he says "you look beautiful tonight darling", and goes for a peck on the lips. I oblige and say thank you and give him a little hug and kiss. Then again "no but you really do look beautiful tonight" and then goes to kiss me again Hmm
I think he was a bit tipsy so I just said "ha, come on now, FIL" and tried to laugh it off.
But this isn't the first time he's done it, and actually it's starting to make me feel a) pretty grossed out and a bit sickened by him, but b) actually makes me feel quite sad. I saw this man as a positive male role model in my life, and actually I just now am starting to see him as a bit of a creep. It doesn't give me much hope (aside from DH I find it quite hard to trust men generally).

I mentioned it to DH the next day and he sort of laughed it off and said just to next time say "FIL you're making me feel uncomfortable now", but I would find that uncomfortable and difficult to actually execute. He also suggested he speak to FIL, but I don't know whether I'm blowing it out of proportion and it'd just make the dynamic weird - as I say, we do get on very well.
When he's done this before its often infront of DH or MIL too so it's not like he's always being sneaky about it, which also makes me think maybe I'm reading too much into it? Regardless though, it makes me feel uneasy and that's the bottom line.
How would you make it clear he needs to stop without causing a drama??

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 21/12/2017 21:11

Yuk. No advice but poor you. Just turn your head so he kisses your cheek each time?

I never kiss anyone on lips except my fiance

ItsNachoCheese · 21/12/2017 21:16

Perhaps he would like a glasgow kiss each time? Grin

pineappleeyes · 21/12/2017 21:21

My ex's uncle used to do this with me...i'd turn away but he'd move his head so he caught my lips and his mouth would be open....it was gross. I stopped greeting him or saying goodbye with a hug/kiss but if it had carried on I'd have said something. Could you make light of it and say did u just try and snog me...?

QuiteLikely5 · 21/12/2017 21:21

Totally gross!

A firm ‘no Thank you, I have a cold’ then swiftly move out of the way.

Repeat every single time. He will eventually get the message.

Telling you twice how beautiful you look is totally inappropriate and shocking considering you are his sons wife!

Username7654321 · 21/12/2017 21:30

When I've tried to turn my head he seems to still manage to get my lips somehow!
He also often sits next to me and will put his hand on my leg and things.
It's just totally gross - my DM would never dream of doing anything like that to DH!
The more I think about it, the more miserable it makes me feel actually. If it was DH's friend/colleague/brother it would be totally out of order. It's no different.

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 21/12/2017 21:32

Well...say that then

Username7654321 · 21/12/2017 21:34

Whisky2014 - yes, I'll probably have to resort to being straight up about it. I was hoping there might have been an easier way to get my point across where he would have got the hint! As you can likely gather from my post, confrontation isn't my forte

OP posts:
pallisers · 21/12/2017 21:41

Anyway we'd already done the obligatory hello-kiss. In the kitchen he says "you look beautiful tonight darling", and goes for a peck on the lips. I oblige and say thank you and give him a little hug and kiss. Then again "no but you really do look beautiful tonight" and then goes to kiss me again hmm

This is completely inappropriate. he is being a creep. He is trying to touch you, kiss you and the compliments are way off. You will have to say it to him or else steer well clear of him - no more helping him in the kitchen, don't sit next to him at dinner.

I'd be amazed if he didn't know exactly what he was doing - he is doing it because he likes doing it.

shhhfastasleep · 21/12/2017 21:45

Why do you kiss him on the lips to say hello/goodbye?
Obviously he's being a creep but it seems odd to me that you would do this.

Username7654321 · 21/12/2017 21:48

pallisers, I agree - it feels very manipulative and creepy. Whenever he's done it around MIL or DH they just roll their eyes, which made me think it was just me being melodramatic. As I say, my 'D'F wasn't any role model, and my family dynamic was totally off anyway, so I wasn't sure whether it was more jokey "banter", for want of a better word. I now see that it's not at all.
I'll be seeing him Christmas day so will implement the no kissing or hugging then. If he does it again I'll have to just be straight forward.
I just wish I wasn't so weird about confrontation.

OP posts:
Username7654321 · 21/12/2017 21:50

shhhfastasleep - I do the same with DM, MIL, BIL and friends. I've always given people a hug and kiss when I say hello or goodbye.

OP posts:
DerelictWreck · 21/12/2017 21:53

You kiss them all on the lips? Got to admit OP thats a little odd...

shhhfastasleep · 21/12/2017 21:54

I think that kissing someone on the lips who is not your partner is very unusual. I have never come across it. I wouldn't kiss my fil on the lips and my mum would never kiss my dh on the lips. It would freak them out and freak me out. Hugs, maybe. Kisses? No way.
Stop kissing him and then wondering why he tries to kiss you.

RandomMess · 21/12/2017 21:54

Kissing on the lips is just inappropriate!!! It is creepy SadAngry

shhhfastasleep · 21/12/2017 21:56

You also kiss friends on the lips. I'm afraid I would have told you to back off ages ago, if you were my friend.

Username7654321 · 21/12/2017 21:56

Really? Everyone I know greets each other with a peck on the lips. Maybe it's just my area/culture perhaps? It's never been something I've even thought about to be honest. I think I will stop though, as it's obviously giving him opportunity to exploit that

OP posts:
shhhfastasleep · 21/12/2017 21:58

I've travelled a lot and lived all over the place. I have never come across a culture that does this. Air kisses, maybe. But lips? Never.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 21/12/2017 22:01

He is a creep. By doing it in front of MIL, he is 'hiding within plain sight' to make it seem legitimate. It isn't, he is bang out of order. If your DH has to have a word with him to get him to back off, then that's unfortunate, but not something you need to tolerate to avoid the confrontation.

pallisers · 21/12/2017 22:01

I've travelled a lot and lived all over the place. I have never come across a culture that does this. Air kisses, maybe. But lips? Never.

me neither. My in laws kiss all the time - on the cheek. Does your FIL kiss his son on the lips? Does your husband kiss his brother on the lips?

All this kissing everyone on the lips seems odd - I'd sticking my hand out for a handshake if you were my friend.

Username7654321 · 21/12/2017 22:01

Okay... Well, it happens. As I say, all of my friends do the same. It's not something that has ever been considered odd in my circle of friends.

OP posts:
Username7654321 · 21/12/2017 22:04

All this kissing everyone on the lips seems odd

Okay

OP posts:
AdalindSchade · 21/12/2017 22:04

Wow. Your friends and family are weird Confused
Kissing on the lips as a greeting is totally odd and it's hardly surprising your FIL has no boundaries - none of you do!

shhhfastasleep · 21/12/2017 22:05

Was your FIL previously part of this lip kissing circle?

MissBax · 21/12/2017 22:06

All my pals and family kiss each other (a peck) on the cheek or lips too. It's never been considered "weird" before by anyone I know. Maybe it's a generational thing?

In re to FIL - nasty! I'd make DH have a word.

Username7654321 · 21/12/2017 22:07

Was your FIL previously part of this lip kissing circle?

Eh?

OP posts: