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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to approach / handle this?

53 replies

Username7654321 · 21/12/2017 21:08

Basically FIL keeps trying to kiss me.
Not a 'snog' or anything (hate that word), a peck on the lips but it's definitely becoming inappropriate.
I always give him a peck on the lips when saying hello or goodbye, but often he'll approach me later and kiss me again. And again.
On Tuesday was at PIL's house for MIL's birthday. FIL was cooking in the kitchen, I said I'd give him a hand. We get on very well. I have a bad relationship with my father and see FIL as a father figure (which is why I find this hard to deal with I imagine).
Anyway we'd already done the obligatory hello-kiss. In the kitchen he says "you look beautiful tonight darling", and goes for a peck on the lips. I oblige and say thank you and give him a little hug and kiss. Then again "no but you really do look beautiful tonight" and then goes to kiss me again Hmm
I think he was a bit tipsy so I just said "ha, come on now, FIL" and tried to laugh it off.
But this isn't the first time he's done it, and actually it's starting to make me feel a) pretty grossed out and a bit sickened by him, but b) actually makes me feel quite sad. I saw this man as a positive male role model in my life, and actually I just now am starting to see him as a bit of a creep. It doesn't give me much hope (aside from DH I find it quite hard to trust men generally).

I mentioned it to DH the next day and he sort of laughed it off and said just to next time say "FIL you're making me feel uncomfortable now", but I would find that uncomfortable and difficult to actually execute. He also suggested he speak to FIL, but I don't know whether I'm blowing it out of proportion and it'd just make the dynamic weird - as I say, we do get on very well.
When he's done this before its often infront of DH or MIL too so it's not like he's always being sneaky about it, which also makes me think maybe I'm reading too much into it? Regardless though, it makes me feel uneasy and that's the bottom line.
How would you make it clear he needs to stop without causing a drama??

OP posts:
shhhfastasleep · 21/12/2017 22:08

Whatever floats your boat. I would walk in the opposite direction from this.

RebeccaBunch · 21/12/2017 22:09

I have a few very close friends and we do kiss (peck) on the lips. It's nice, not at all creepy or sleazy.

But this is a horrible situation you have described OP and it does sound to me like he is getting off on this physical harassment of you. So sorry.

shhhfastasleep · 21/12/2017 22:09

Did your FIL move in a circle where people kissed each other on the lips before you married your dh?

Username7654321 · 21/12/2017 22:11

I would walk in the opposite direction from this. - yes, you've made that very clear now. Thanks shhhfastasleep.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 21/12/2017 22:18

I'm sorry I have to agree. I work in a global organisation, I've lived in other countries and I don't know anyone who kisses on the lips

Stop kissing him on the lips. He is reading it as encouragement, I'd be weirded out by the fact you were both doing it if I'm honest and I saw you. And when I say both, I mean both, you do it too.

Username7654321 · 21/12/2017 22:21

I've lived in other countries and I don't know anyone who kisses on the lips

Well as several other posters have stated they do too, we're not a rare breed. Kissing or hugging someone on arrival or departure isn't an invitation for someone to then overstep boundaries. Thanks for you're lovely, non judgmental input though.

OP posts:
MissBax · 21/12/2017 22:23

God, get a grip people! It's a peck on the lips hello. I doubt OP sticks her tongue down the throat of everyone she encounters. Jesus Christ and his merry pearl snatchers

buckeejit · 21/12/2017 22:26

Ah that's crap-ypu need to explain to DH that it has sadly moved to creepy & engineer not sitting beside him-also just ask dh to pipe up'noone kisses my DW on the lips but me'

Alternatively just pretend that you've got a cold sore brewing

If you have dc, you don't want them to feel obliged to kiss people on the lips that they don't want to, even if it is family so be the kind of role model you want to see.

Shit situation to be in, but needs addressed

pallisers · 21/12/2017 22:29

All my pals and family kiss each other (a peck) on the cheek or lips too. It's never been considered "weird" before by anyone I know.

Mine too - on the cheek not the lips. We often hug too.

I have plenty of grips MissBax. I just have a different experience from you. If you kissed me on the lips when we meet, I'd think you were a bit odd. If you then called me a pearl snatcher, I'd think you odd and damn rude.

Anyway, none of this excuses your FIL - he is being a creep OP.

MissBax · 21/12/2017 22:29

"Depending on the occasion and the culture, a greeting may take the form of a handshake, hug, bow, nod, nose rub, a kiss on the lips with the mouth closed, or a kiss or kisses on the cheek."

"Kissing quickly on the lips with the mouth closed is a common greeting in some places of Western culture such as South Africa and Australia, especially in rural areas. some say it started in Santa Rosa Zacatecas Mexico."

Source - en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kissing_traditions

Grin
shhhfastasleep · 21/12/2017 22:33

If it wasn't previously part of FIL's culture, he may not understand the boundaries. Or may not give a shit and is a creep.
Hugs a plenty for some of my family and not others. Kisses on cheek, maybe too.

Username7654321 · 21/12/2017 22:35

Thanks buckeejit, I actually thought that myself about DD. Shes only a baby now anyway (and I wouldn't let anyone kiss her on the lips), but I don't want her putting up with anything like this when she's older so I need to make it clear that it's not on really.

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 22/12/2017 00:17

So you won’t put up with anyone doing this to your dd in future, but your dh and mil just roll their eyes?

When he goes to kiss you, tell him no. That’s easy, no need for rudeness, just a simple, firm no. When he puts his hand on your leg, pick it up and say ‘Don’t do that’ and bloody well mean it. Tell your dh it’s making you uncomfortable and that you will be telling your fil to stop the next time he does it.

He is abusing you and you should not be allowing him to continue. He needs to learn boundaries.

monicabling · 22/12/2017 01:07

What area (be general) are you from that does this kissing on the lips thing?

Asking for a friend. Grin

BubblingUp · 22/12/2017 01:16

Your FIL is an opportunistic creepy fucker. Yuck!! This is not about some culturally accepted greeting if he is also putting his hand on your leg!

QuinoaKeen · 22/12/2017 01:18

That Wikipedia has to be wrong.
I've lived and travelled throughout Australia and no one, apart from DH, has ever tried to kiss me on the lips.
My inlaws and some friends greet with a hug and kiss, but never, thankfully, on the lips.

SausageChipsAndCurrySauce · 22/12/2017 01:25

Not acceptable in my book, yuck!

Username7654321 · 22/12/2017 05:41

QuinoaKeen - erm, okay.

Anyway, thanks to anyone that has actually tried to help here. I'm going to just try to avoid him really, and if he persists then I need to ask DH to have a word.

OP posts:
QuinoaKeen · 22/12/2017 08:50

Erm you're welcome? Smile

MrsEvedder · 22/12/2017 09:43

Your FIL is perfectly aware about what he is doing. It is no excuse that you kiss him as a greeting - there is no excuse. The answers on here basically saying its your fault are victim blaming at its finest. It amazes that so many people look to blame inappropriate behaviour on anyone but the man doing it!

Ohyesiam · 22/12/2017 11:14

To me cheek kissing is for greeting friends and nearest and dearest. Not lip kissing.
In even the most demonstrative cultures I've lived in I don't think I've come across lip kissing as a warm but causal greeting.
So I wonder if he feels encouraged by it.
If you really can't do confrontation, announced you have a cold sore brewing, and you'll only be doing cheek kissing. Then next time he looms in, say you are sticking with cheek kissing, as you prefer it.

namechange2222 · 22/12/2017 11:37

Kissing on the lips within UK culture is considered a show of intimacy. Must admit no idea re other cultures. Wtf are you kissing parents in law on the lips in the first place?

Jayfee · 22/12/2017 11:45

Sorry I have to ask but what culture greets by kissing on the lips???

CougheeBean · 22/12/2017 11:46

God people on MN can be so weird about things like this. DP’s whole family and their social circle do the kiss on the lips thing, both the Scottish and English ones. I’m not used to it so I do cheeks Grin I was a bit taken aback the first time I saw it but my family is so anti-touchy-feely that people would probably take offence to them too.

My point is that the kissing would clearly be a non-issue to OP if FIL would just respect normal boundaries. I think you do need to be firm and tell him he’s starting to make you feel uncomfortable. It may be awkward but especially/sadly if you say it with other people around he might learn to stay in his lane.

Jayfee · 22/12/2017 11:50

I am English, working class. Now also have middle class friends. Never seen kissing on lips apart from boyfriends etc. so I am curious, not judgemental at all.