Dealing with deeply religious Sister

[RoseJam]

My Dsis likes to think she is religious - attends mass 3 times a week, helps out in the Church, prays etc etc. That's fine - each to their own. However, I get very annoyed when she tries to take the moral high ground and point out the errors of my ways. It's none of her business as I am concerned. She's lost a few friends and work colleagues which I'm sure is down to her sanctimonious comments. My parents are also religious and encourage and endorse her behaviour.

Lately, her comments to me are getting worse. I need a polite but firm way to deal with them and shut these down. I don't want to go NC with her or have a full blown argument but I'm finding it hard! Some of the latest comments are:

1. I should be spending more on Christmas gifts on her family as I earn so much more than they do
2. That I should prioritise the extended family over friends, and that I spend more time and make more effort with my many friends than her family, my Mum and Dad
3. That my DH had committed a grave sin by getting a vasectomy
4. That I should see her family more often
5. That I have put money over my own family because I work full time

I've stepped back a lot over the years as I find them all toxic, and the separation between my mum and dad has been acrimonious, with my Mum constantly wanting us to take sides. However, my Mum and Dsis like to pretend to play 'happy families'.

I'm finding her comments harder to put up with, and based on her incorrect assumptions. Also, I feel less inclined to visit her because I find her comments and behaviour rude and rather judgemental towards me. I've tried not saying much about my life to my parents and her, but conversations are quite stilted.

Can you remind her of the bit in the Bible where it says not to judge others?

As she's your sister I think you can just be straight with her., That's not very Christian of you, or I don't comment on your choices so please do the same for me on loop should do it. Or you could just tell her to shut her sanctimonious cake hole.

I'm not too big in diplomacy

You need to get sone classic bible quotes regarding not judging others and minding you win business and not being materialistic (!) and memorise them. Each time she annoys you spit out the most appropriate verse-that'll shut her up!

Every time she says something, just refer her to Matthew 7: 1-3

Go NC - she is a total pain, and non of it is any of her business. I often find religious nutter are quite nasty and she bears this out

"Hey sis, how about you shut the fuck up, you judgey cunt?" should do the trick nicely.

She sounds jealous and selfish. Points 1 and 5 contradict each other.
I would tell her to turn the other cheek? Mind her own business. Fight scripture with scripture.
How tiresome for you.

ask her where she stands on the christian value of tolerance.

or just show door/put phone down and tell her to come back when she is able to think independently and not be such an arse.

Thanks for all the kind messages. I like the idea of quoting bible quotes right back to her.

I have tried pulling her up on a comment before by saying that it was not a Christain thing to say, but she got even more offensive.

I feel sorry for her in a way. Her comments have made her unpopular eg Telling one of our mutual friends who was going through a divorce with a cheating DH, that it went against the Catholic faith to break holy marriage vows. Also, she posted some links on her FB to Britains First. She said that she was fed up with her friends and colleagues letting her down, and that she wanted to concentrate on family relationships but she felt that we don't see each other often. I think in a weird way she is trying to shame me into spending more time with time - but it is having the exact opposite effect.

She may be "religious" but she is not being very Christian.
My late MIL was like this being irrationally, judgmental, about all sorts of issues, and not very "Christian" in her attitudes ie DS1 was a bastard because DH and I were married in a registry office instead of a church.

Look her in the eye when she comes out with judgmental crap and tell her she is not being very "Christian"

Angelf1sh - thank you for the reference to Matthew7:1-3 - it is perfect!

Or you could just tell her to shut her sanctimonious cake hole.

^ ..this

Matthew 7: 1-3

or ^ this

She sounds very old-fashioned more so than religious.

I'd just have it out with her. It all sounds a bit awful.

One of my friends is a very dedicated Catholic, I'm Catholic too but I am not academic nor devout about it as he is, but I have my faith...

But the thing is, he is so so kind, and never judgemental. Just supportive. And that's how I find my Church. So unbelievably supportive. And yes! I was shocked as a curious lapsed Catholic to find that's what it had evolved into since I was a kid.

So she just sounds like she'll justify her opinion with whatever bit of the bible she wants to. I'd try to talk straight to her. I know that's often just not possible with some people in real life... but best of luck whatever you try to do.

ps - her comments about you putting money before family because you work are really awful. I'd be very upset at being judged like that. I work full time. Yes I work for money, obviously, but that doesn't make it the work of bloody Satan

Well, my response (but I’ve had too many arguments with religious family members) would probably be rather confrontational. A nice card with a ‘lovely’ bible quote, maybe?

(For I came to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law” happy winter festival, dear sis!)

But that approach wouldn’t be too constructive, I guess.

Idk. Be firm but kind? ‘This is what you believe but it is my right to do XYZ’?

Well if she wants no 1 but then judges you for no 5, then she is nothing more than a king-sized hypocrite.

1. "Why? Isn't the gift of Jesus enough for you? The most religious family I know don't give Christmas presents to each other because "the gift of Jesus is enough and we spend time together to celebrate his birth". They have a huge extended family gathering each year but no-one is allowed to bring gifts.

She sounds delightful.

Afraid I would go NC for the reasons you've listed in the OP.

I would like to go NC - but think with my parents getting older, it would make things difficult.

Tell her you will give the money, you would have spent on Christmas gifts to her, to charity as you know that is what she would want....

Arrange to meet her somewhere which involves her actually helping out with some charity work.

Announce that you want to go shopping with her in town and make sure you take a route so you encounter every single beggar and charity collection so she can show how generous she is.

"I would like to go NC - but think with my parents getting older, it would make things difficult".

People do age but that is not any sort of reason though; your parents are also responsible for the family dynamic which they created. Deal also with any residual fear, obligation and guilt regarding your parents also. You would not have tolerated this from a friend, family are no different. Reading "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward could help you.

You don't have to go full NC but could go MC (minimal contact - have I just made that up?) - so literally enough contact that you can grin and bear it and no more. From experience - there's no explaining/telling people like this - its really only a certain type of religious person who rams inconsistent bits of teachings down your throat, most don't, and those that do can't be 'talked round' - so I would swallow it down and keep your distance - as much as you can - i know its tough - also keep information from your side to her at a minimum, appreciate your mum and dad will pass stuff on but the less she knows the less she can 'judge' and try and make you feel shitty x

This should cover it....

Matthew 6:1-7 ESV
“Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven. “Thus, when you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you. “And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites. For they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. ...