Dealing with deeply religious Sister

[RoseJam]

My Dsis likes to think she is religious - attends mass 3 times a week, helps out in the Church, prays etc etc. That's fine - each to their own. However, I get very annoyed when she tries to take the moral high ground and point out the errors of my ways. It's none of her business as I am concerned. She's lost a few friends and work colleagues which I'm sure is down to her sanctimonious comments. My parents are also religious and encourage and endorse her behaviour.

Lately, her comments to me are getting worse. I need a polite but firm way to deal with them and shut these down. I don't want to go NC with her or have a full blown argument but I'm finding it hard! Some of the latest comments are:

1. I should be spending more on Christmas gifts on her family as I earn so much more than they do
2. That I should prioritise the extended family over friends, and that I spend more time and make more effort with my many friends than her family, my Mum and Dad
3. That my DH had committed a grave sin by getting a vasectomy
4. That I should see her family more often
5. That I have put money over my own family because I work full time

I've stepped back a lot over the years as I find them all toxic, and the separation between my mum and dad has been acrimonious, with my Mum constantly wanting us to take sides. However, my Mum and Dsis like to pretend to play 'happy families'.

I'm finding her comments harder to put up with, and based on her incorrect assumptions. Also, I feel less inclined to visit her because I find her comments and behaviour rude and rather judgemental towards me. I've tried not saying much about my life to my parents and her, but conversations are quite stilted.

I think you have a deeply judgemental sister, who is encouraged by your mum.

Your dsis also happens to be religious. She is using her religious views to (badly) support her judgements. Therefore there is no point in using biblical quotes 'against her' because she is only likely to tru and find something else which supports her ownview point.

I think this is about family dynamics, not religion. Ignore, ignore. Thank her for sharing her viewpoint with you, and keep a distance.

I think you would find the Stately Homes thread on the real board helpful. I have, posters give non-judgmental support to people dealing with toxic family relationships.

Your sister sounds very toxic and unpleasant, particularly her support for Britain First, and if you feel you need to go NC, then you should do that and not feel guilty about it. You have your own family and need to put them and your marriage first.

I don’t understand why you are concerned about being polite towards her, she isn’t concerned about being polite towards you. She’s sounds awful and if I had a relative like this I’d personally welcome a big argument which culminated in limited or no contact. What positives does she bring to your life? Just because she’s your sister doesn’t mean you have to put up with her.

I think Venus is right. If it wasnt religion it would be something else to back up her treatment of you.

I don’t understand why you are concerned about being polite towards her, she isn’t concerned about being polite towards you.

Another very good point. Although imo of people like this, they can be as rude as they like under the guise of being "honest" or "just saying it as I see it" but try it back and they are mortally offended, which can be useful as often they cut you off so saving you a job. Worked with my sister in law :o

In response to ANYTHING she says:

"... and NONE of that would be any of your business"

She is using religion as a weapon against you, if not that, it'd be something else. Her warped sense of life is not too different to ISIS. She's an emotional terrorist, spouting her bile and hatred to make herself feel better.

I thought most religions espoused non-materialism? Therefore why would she want more spent on presents?

My brother is deeply religious, and NEVER mentions it. His spiritual beliefs are personal to him and none of anyone else's business. Sounds like your sister feels very inferior to you and is using her 'religious beliefs' to try to bring you down to her level.

Sounds to me like she's addicted to religion. Makes her feel good. Awful.

She’s nothing but a hypocrite, ‘religion’ is just her cover. There’s no one liner or statement that’s going to shut up a sanctimonious hypocrite, a bible quote off with her would just be giving her what she wants and that’s an audience.

If you won’t break contact then practice the silent smile and nod and change the subject.

Venus - I think your post is spot on - it is very much about family dynamics. Thanks also for the referrals to the Stately Homes thread. I'm not a regular reader of it but I have found the posts on there very helpful at understanding and recognising unpleasant behaviours and the guilt I invariably end up feeling.

There are times I would love to have an argument and get it in the open, but I really don't think this would achieve anything and would just give them more fuel to criticise, condemn and justify. I think a mud slinging match wouldn't get anywhere.

I'm really lucky to have some sterling friends, one a childhood friend, whose entire family welcome me as their own. However, this enrages my sister and DM even more.

I've found limiting contact really helpful, but the latest outburst from my sister is confusing - she wants more contact but decides the best way is to make horrible comments backed up with religion.

Some Christians are some of the loveliest, kindest, sweetest people I have ever met.

Some are the most sanctimonious, judgemental, irritating twats I have ever had the misfortune to meet.

Your sister sounds like the latter.

You have my pity. Apart from telling her she is acting like an asshole, I don't know what else to suggest. As your parents are also quite religious, you may have a battle on your hands.

She's lost a few friends and work colleagues which I'm sure is down to her sanctimonious comments.

She has lost her sources of ego supply and is now targeting you to fill that role.

Understand that this isn't about you, your job, spending habits or anything else about you. It is about her feeding her ego at your expense.

We are brought up to be nice and mannerly towards people, and that not listening to someone is rude. But in this circumstance, not listening is a strategy of emotional self defense: well justified. Stop caring what she thinks.
Umm-hum
That's interesting
Oh really
And carry a portable craft to break out when ever you are around her to divide your attention, be distracted and absorbed in something that is not her. Cross stitch, knitting, suduko, etc

Perhaps google narcissistic church people (not saying she's a narc)- you may find interesting reading.

Don't understand the 'family innit' school of thought.

They are toxic.

NC.

Please make 2018 the year you tell these vile people to ftfo and get on with spending great times with fabulous friends

... actually... pass me the phone... I’ll do it for you

Turn the other cheek...and your back and keep walking...

She sounds awful!

I'm not religious either and I wouldn't push my views on any religious person so I would certainly not expect them to try and do the same to me.

She has no right to dictate anything at you, nore made snide comments.

Explain to her that you haven't asked for her opinion and you'd rather she didn't tell you how to live your life and if she doesn't listen and continues then walk away. You don't need extra stress in your life!

I'm mostly confused how those views are due to her religion - surely only number 3 is religion-based (and in fact religion should be steering her towards fewer presents etc if anything).

She's a sanctimonious hypocrite OP. She criticises you for working and putting money before family, but expects you to buy expensive presents for her family

Tell her that in the true spirit of Christmas you won't be giving any presents at all but donating to charity instead.

BTW she is in no way "deeply religious". She is massively judgemental, shallow and grasping. She goes to mass but doesn't get the message.

Frown and disapproving voice:

'That sounded a most unchristian comment Sis! I am surprised! I wouldn't have thought that someone with your beliefs would say something so judgmental/selfish/greedy/covetous' (delete as appropriate)

You could be very honest and say that you would like to spend more time with her but that you find her judgemental and unkind in her behaviour to you and unless that changes then no you won’t be close.

If you are FB friends post these in a very PA way!