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Original poster

Why didn't anyone tell us? Feeling upset and bad about this

52 replies

waitingforanalibi · 20/12/2017 15:15

A couple (A) we don't see regularly invited us over for an evening - we knew there would be other guests as well but not told who these were before we turned up.

In the event it was another couple (B) that we all know v well and for a long time (that's how we were introduced to couple A). Then it was announced that couple C were also coming (again we all know well and for a long time - but the last time we saw couples B and C was in September. At the time couple C mentioned that he had not been well and was going to have some tests ... and we never heard anything since.

Couple C turned up last - clear he had been really ill and mentioned had had series of chemo. I turned to her and said I was really sorry to hear that he was so ill - she said "oh didn't you know?"

Couple C leave first as he is really out of sorts and tired. Then couple B tells us he has terminal tumour and the prognosis is bleak.

When I discussed this afterwards with my husband, we were surprised no-one had thought to a) mention Couple C were also coming and b) that he has terminal cancer. Needless to say we both felt really bad for him and also not knowing anything about it, and admitting as much to her.

No-one apologised either for not letting us know - and in retrospect I'm really puzzled by the attitude of host Couple A and also Couple B - why no-one thought to give us some advanced notice. I just feel really unsettled about the whole experience (and not least upset for Couple C as cannot imagine what hell they must be going through).

Any words of comfort or wisdom from anyone would be very welcome, and thank you for taking the time to read this.

OP posts:
fessmess · 20/12/2017 15:19

That sounds like a shocking and uncomfortable experience for you. In these circumstances most people don't know what to say and how to respond.

saddaughterandmum · 20/12/2017 15:19

maybe they thought that it wasn't their news to tell?

DPotter · 20/12/2017 15:22

I can understand your discomfort at seeing a friend who is terminally ill, but I can't see why anyone needs to apologise to you. As you were all friends they simply assumed you knew which is a fair enough assumption.

Taffeta · 20/12/2017 15:24

It’s not their news to share
Mr C might have asked for it not to be shared
Many people don’t like to be defined by their illness or talked about behind their back all the time, no matter how well meaning

KungFuEric · 20/12/2017 15:24

Who do you believe owes you an apology? The dying man? His wife?

Greenshoots1 · 20/12/2017 15:29

maybe A and B are not the sort of people who enjoying gossiping behind people's backs. They don't owe any apology for that.

Bl7589 · 20/12/2017 15:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoSquirrels · 20/12/2017 15:32

Perhaps it is just one of those situations where everyone assumed that someone else had passed on the news, and so didn't mention it as they thought you already knew?

I'd let it go, but contact Couple C in the next little while and offer help of some kind to them.

Angelf1sh · 20/12/2017 15:33

I really do not understand why you think you’re owed an apology. A man who you’re clearly not great friends with (because you haven’t seen him in ages and didn’t think to ask after his health yourself in the interim) gets cancer and nobody thought to call you. Maybe that’s because it’s not about you OP! I can totally see why you were shocked to be confronted by something sad without notice, but why would they have told you in advance? It’s not A or B’s news to tell and it’s clearly been going on for some time so either might reasonably have presumed you already knew. You didn’t have a right to know this information and so I don’t understand why you think you did.

Psychobabble123 · 20/12/2017 15:36

You expect a dying man to apologise for not telling you in advance about hiw prognosis?! Confused

NoSquirrels · 20/12/2017 15:38

I think this is the key:

At the time couple C mentioned that he had not been well and was going to have some tests ... and we never heard anything since.

You didn't hear because you didn't get in touch to ask how he was feeling, hope the tests have been successful and you're getting some treatment etc.

Couple C didn't tell you because it's exhausting and emotional news.

Couple B assumed you'd have been in touch already. When it became clear you didn't know, they filled you in after C had gone home (which was sensitive).

I completely understand how it happens that you can not have been in touch in the period Sept-Dec - life is busy. But no one owes you an apology. I think you are unsettled and uncomfortable probably because it's an unsettling and uncomfortable thing to learn about, especially if you feel bad about not having been in touch.

Collaborate · 20/12/2017 15:38

It's not really about you though is it?

UrsulaPandress · 20/12/2017 15:39

The last time you saw them you knew he was going for tests, but haven't bothered to contact them to find out how he was.

I think you have your answer there.

YCAWS · 20/12/2017 15:39

I think you sound a bit self absorbed tbh

OldGuard · 20/12/2017 15:43

What Ursula said

We don’t have any right to know what is going on in other people’s lives

TwitterQueen1 · 20/12/2017 15:43

Why on earth do you think you're owed an apology? From whom and why? It's not about you OP.

No-one is under any obligation to tell you anything beforehand. And as others have said, why should people gossip behind his back? If you cared about him you would have known.

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 20/12/2017 15:43

Nobody owes you an apology.

I understand it was a sad and upsetting thing for you to find out this way, but it's not about you.

Original poster
waitingforanalibi · 20/12/2017 15:44

NoSquirrels - I think you've nailed it - thank you.

And to everyone else who has given me food for thought here.

OP posts:
Whenyouseeit · 20/12/2017 15:46

I was in a similar situation. A couple in our social group stopped socialising as much or leaving early because he was tired. We didnt know until he died that he'd been diagnosed with terminal cancer because they chose to only tell their closest friends. Those who they could lean on for support. One of our group got very angry about this but I could never understand why. Its shocking and horrible but so much worse for them and we had no rights to expect anything.

unfortunateevents · 20/12/2017 15:46

It's not all about you OP. You say you know Couple C really well, yet haven't seen them since September (or presumably spoken to them). Couples A and B presumably thought that as you knew them equally as well as they did that they didn't have to provide some kind of news relay to you about C's condition. As they obviously have benign touch with couple C in the meantime, why would they assume that you hadn't been and therefore didn't know about the diagnosis?

If anyone should be apologising here, it's you, for not keeping in touch when you knew someone was having tests and potentially ill.

tampinfuminragin · 20/12/2017 15:47

It's not their story to tell.

No one needs to apologise to you.

Weezol · 20/12/2017 15:47

Am I reading/understanding this correctly? You knew they (who you 'know well' and for 'a long time') were having tests and made absolutely no effort to contact them for three months?

kateandme · 20/12/2017 15:49

its not about you now.make it right however you got here and be there for them now.its what you can do now that will count in the end not how you found out.

WizardOfToss · 20/12/2017 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BanyanChristmasTree · 20/12/2017 15:55

Some people are very private and don't want their business and health discussed by others. DH and I don't tell anyone anything about ourselves as we are very private. If I was very sick I wouldn't want anyone to know and would hate it if I got cards and phone calls.