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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why didn't anyone tell us? Feeling upset and bad about this

52 replies

waitingforanalibi · 20/12/2017 15:15

A couple (A) we don't see regularly invited us over for an evening - we knew there would be other guests as well but not told who these were before we turned up.

In the event it was another couple (B) that we all know v well and for a long time (that's how we were introduced to couple A). Then it was announced that couple C were also coming (again we all know well and for a long time - but the last time we saw couples B and C was in September. At the time couple C mentioned that he had not been well and was going to have some tests ... and we never heard anything since.

Couple C turned up last - clear he had been really ill and mentioned had had series of chemo. I turned to her and said I was really sorry to hear that he was so ill - she said "oh didn't you know?"

Couple C leave first as he is really out of sorts and tired. Then couple B tells us he has terminal tumour and the prognosis is bleak.

When I discussed this afterwards with my husband, we were surprised no-one had thought to a) mention Couple C were also coming and b) that he has terminal cancer. Needless to say we both felt really bad for him and also not knowing anything about it, and admitting as much to her.

No-one apologised either for not letting us know - and in retrospect I'm really puzzled by the attitude of host Couple A and also Couple B - why no-one thought to give us some advanced notice. I just feel really unsettled about the whole experience (and not least upset for Couple C as cannot imagine what hell they must be going through).

Any words of comfort or wisdom from anyone would be very welcome, and thank you for taking the time to read this.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 20/12/2017 15:55

It does sound a difficult situation. But on the other hand I agree that couple A might feel that it isn't up to them to tell you and Couple C might have thought you already knew. Just put this behind you. Nobody is to blame in this situation. I don't think you are due an apology from anybody.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/12/2017 15:57

Yes, pretty much what NoSquirrels said - I would imagine that everyone there assumed you knew.
Couples A and B would assume that you'd heard from Couple C; and since Couple C hadn't heard from you, they would probably have assumed that you either didn't care that much, or had had the news from Couple A and/or B.

It's a shame that you felt a bit "out of the loop" but I don't think any blame attaches to any of the other 3 couples here.

Mehfruittea · 20/12/2017 16:00

I’ve been in a similar situation. Group of couples, 12 + 2 lads who don’t have partners. When we all get together it’s 26 and we all get on well, but some see each other more often or are closer etc.

1 of the women in the group had quite a few health issues. She sent a text to our ladies WhatsApp group telling us all it was cancer and here’s a link to information about the type she had.

The men all have a WhatsApp group as well, but there is no joined up one for all of us. One of the single men was talking to me recently and saying how well she looked and that last lot of treatment must be doing the job, really happy for them blah blah. He didn’t know her cancer was terminal, because it was never explicitly stated. She provided the link, girls read it and discussed with their partners.

Maybe something like this has happened. Our friend and her partner simply couldn’t write or say the actual words. You’ve missed out as it’s difficult to talk about and behind someone’s back, it feels like gossip in a malicious way. Easy to spread good news, everyone knows when you’re pregnant but bad news doesn’t travel well.

I’m sorry for your friend, perhaps send a lovely card or text to express how you feel after hearing the news?

lljkk · 20/12/2017 16:06

Where I live, everyone assumes you know everyone else's business. How this news travels is beyond me. When I hear a bit of juicy or shocking gossip, I know it's already been around the town at least 16x.

Thetreesareallgone · 20/12/2017 16:11

It can be difficult if you are friends with someone who gets sick, but not in the 'inner circle'. I have plenty of friends I might not speak to for a couple of months at a busy time, and so might well miss something like this.

Obviously if you are best friends, it's different, but those in the outer rings of friendship may either not know, not want to intrude by asking, or just not be the ones that the sick person tells straight away.

I have made a hash of telling people about my husband's illness, I did a big round of telling early on, then I got tired and stopped, so some people I see quite regularly either don't know or think he's just a bit sick and will get better. I was hoping the local grapevine might do the rest, but in fact, everyone has been very kind and too discreet.

I don't think you should feel bad about not knowing what to say or upset to hear of such news, it's awful when people you know get sick, have terminal illnesses and even die, and doesn't mean you weren't friends just because you aren't at their bedside/knowing every detail of what's going on.

No need for apologies, this is just your upset talking.

elliejjtiny · 20/12/2017 16:45

I think squirrels has it spot on. My ds has a number of health problems but I don't go into details with non close friends/family. Partly because it's exhausting and partly because I wouldn't have time to talk about anything else. One lady who is a mum of one of my other ds's friends always asks how he is so I always tell her but I tend to assume that if people don't ask then they don't want to know.

morningconstitutional2017 · 20/12/2017 16:48

It could be that they weren't sure if couple C would in fact feel well enough to visit and decided not to say anything in case it put a damper on things. To some it may feel like talking about them behind their backs. Plus, if you'd only just found out it could make them feel awkward as they might not want to 'make a thing of it'.

Cockmagic · 20/12/2017 16:49

It's not about you.

You expected to be pre warned of someones health issues, nope life doesn't work like that.

Noicecupoftea · 20/12/2017 16:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MillennialFalcon · 20/12/2017 17:04

I think some people are misunderstanding slightly, OP just wishes she had a heads up from couple B so she could have been more sensitive to the situation. Discussing that here isn't making it all about her. It seems that couple C didn't want to keep it secret as they were surprised OP didn't already know.

befbiund · 20/12/2017 17:23

Why would someone need to tell you this. Stop thinking of yourself.

notquitewhatIhadplanned · 20/12/2017 18:04

articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407
I can understand you are upset op, but it isn't about you. Above link explains this clearly.
It pressed your mortality button which is never comfortable. Offer them support - specific things so thinking up what you can do is not another task for them.

Howlongtilldinner · 20/12/2017 18:32

Once again I cannot believe some of the nasty remarks by some peopleHmm

The OP has never suggested it is ‘all about her’ she is expressing her distress at not knowing (in advance of a meeting) of a friends terminal illness. OP sounds like they were caught in the back foot, and found it difficult to deal with. I too would’ve felt the same.

The fact the OP hasn’t ‘bothered’ to get in touch is because sometimes ‘life’ gets in the way, and we rarely think the tests someone had been for, are going to result in such tragedy.

Give the OP a break..they are clearly upset by their friends news..

TwitterQueen1 · 20/12/2017 19:02

Howlong The OP says:

No-one apologised either for not letting us know - and in retrospect I'm really puzzled by the attitude of host Couple A and also Couple B - why no-one thought to give us some advanced notice.

Maybe the dying man should have rung up and said something like "Look OP, I'm dying. Sorry it's embarrassing and awkward for you. I hope you understand and that it's not too difficult for you at the dinner party we're going to. I'll try not to be too obvious about my disease and hope you still manage to enjoy the dinner without thinking too much about me.

FFS.

SleveMcDichael · 20/12/2017 19:08

I think the majority of responses here are incredibly sanctimonious and deliberately unsympathetic to the OP. I think NoSquirrells nailed it. I can see why you feel a bit shaken by it - but nobody is really "in the wrong" here.

WinchestersInATardis · 20/12/2017 19:18

I've been unfortunate enough to have had to deal with a serious illness recently that looked like it might have been something a lot worse (fortunately I've got the treatable kind).
I made a very definite decision to only tell a select few family members and asked them not to share. While I'm sure my friends would have been lovely and supportive, if it had turned out that there was limited time or a lot of unpleasant medical procedures to go through, I wanted to be able to spend that time putting myself and my children first, and just getting through it, rather than being distracted by and having to deal with a lot of attention.
It's possible your friend felt the same.

AmysTiara · 20/12/2017 19:25

Did you never think to contact couple C and ask how the tests had gone or how he was feeling?

That's a bit unkind if you didn't.

Ilovetolurk · 20/12/2017 20:25

People feel unwell and have tests all the time without it being a cancer diagnosis

If OP sees friends every three months it’s not necessarily the type of relationship to warrant a phone call to find out how the tests went

Happinessfinder · 20/12/2017 20:37

It’s a shock to find out a close friend is terminal. What you are feeling is normal you don’t need to be criticised. In my circle of friends this would be unusual we tend to make sure everyone knows when someone is going through a bad time so we can organise help. However some people genuinely don’t know how to cope with a friend being terminal perhaps why they couldn’t talk about it. We went through this recently. It’s heartbreaking. I’m sorry about your friend op. Support them and your friends it’s going to be a hard time x

Howlongtilldinner · 20/12/2017 21:04

twitter I think ffs is probably the best response to your post..Hmm

TwitterQueen1 · 20/12/2017 21:24

Howlong As someone about to start 2nd line chemo for advanced cancer I hope you are never a guest at any dinner party I go to.

TwitterQueen1 · 20/12/2017 22:31

I don't deny it's difficult for people to know what to say, but really OP, you want an apology because no-one told you? That's just fucking crazy.

For the record - things not to say:
But you look so well!
I hope you get better soon
They can do marvellous things these days.

Things you can say:
I'm sorry to hear you're not well
It must be very difficult for you
Do you have to travel far for treatment?
Cancer is so common these days isn't it - that doesn't make it any easier I'm sure.
It's a terrible disease

AntiHop · 20/12/2017 22:37

Flowers twitter

Howlongtilldinner · 20/12/2017 22:53

twitter I lost my dear sister to cancer this year..I know only too well how difficult these things are..I’m very sorry for your situation

LivingInTheSeventies · 20/12/2017 23:23

I experience this a lot. People see me and they must know that I’m sick but I’m aware of the awkward “don’t mention anything unless I bring it up” vibe. I feel uncomfortable bringing it up as then I feel the conversation has to be about me...
I have no idea who knows and who doesn’t and who’s pretending they don’t know because they didn’t hear it from me....

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