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Original poster

First Christmas NC with MIL

54 replies

IMissGin · 19/12/2017 15:01

So this is first NC Christmas and she’s sent gifts for kids via BIL despite no apology and not having seen DS since he was 4mo. She has also sent a gif for my mum - no idea on rationale? Nothing for us. No card or note. What should we do? Post back? Bin? I feel like she’s trying to make herself look like the victim again but likewise I don’t want her to think we’re happy to accept gifts but NC. The kids don’t need gifts they need GPs that give a shit. Any advice?

OP posts:
Taylor22 · 19/12/2017 15:05

What does your husband want to do?
I'm in the same position. And while I want to scream and shove the gifts down her throat so she chokes on them I have to step back and let him do what he wants.
The last thing I want is for him to turn around one day and say I forced him to do something.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/12/2017 15:08

As you are properly NC then I would send them back with no note - nothing.
Just a 'return to sender' note on the outside.

What would be ideal though would be to send a note saying thanks but no thanks and you've handed them on to a worthy charity.

Hissy · 19/12/2017 15:49

Give the gifts back to BIL, or take them to a charity shop or suggest he do the same.

otherwise it's the reaction she wants

mindutopia · 19/12/2017 15:54

We are NC with MIL and Step-FIL. We've made it very clear there are to be no cards or gifts for the kids (actually we ourselves aren't especially NC, I don't care and want nothing to do with her, but my Dh does talk to her a few times a year, so LC, the NC is specifically related to safeguarding issues and our children). They've been notified in writing that there is to be no contact. But yes, any gifts or cards received go right back in the post return to sender. I refuse to allow my kids to feel like they aren't worth it to their grandmother for her to sort herself out so she can be in their lives (that's actually what we want but supervised and with certain boundaries in place to keep the children safe, it relates to a previous incident of abuse not involving our dc, but another child in the family). She prefers to live in denial and pretend none of this has happened and she and SFIL are blameless, and basically said she would rather never see our children again than do it with the boundaries we've put in place. So that said, I refuse for my kids to grow up believing they are good enough for a cheap gift once or twice a year but not good enough to actually have a relationship with. So yes, goes right back in the post return to sender and I do it with glee! Their hope (so they've said) is that they can just keep pushing and eventually we'll relent and pretend all this never happened, so now I enjoy making sure they know that will never be the case.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/12/2017 16:08

Some disordered of thinking people like your MIL do this to try and bring you back into the dysfunctional fold. Such hoovering is about a loss of control and an attempt to gain control over your behaviour. Do not fall for it!.

Take these items to a charity shop and do not give this any more thought.

Do not acknowledge these items in any way, radio silence from you needs to be maintained. If you return these items then she will know she has you then and that will give her the green light to bother you even more.

packofshunts · 19/12/2017 16:25

In the same boat although they
still is still limited contact with DH & DCs.

I have totally stayed out of any card/present giving this year. The onus is on lazyarse DH if he wants to organise an exchange with them.

EvansOvalPies · 19/12/2017 16:27

Sounds a bit like our situation.
PiL and I have fallen out, massively. DP refuses to get involved, DC feel that FiL has behaved appallingly towards me. (DC are adults and have arrived at this conclusion themselves, btw).

DP has told his parents that unless his Dad apologises to me, our DC want nothing more to do with them. Other than that, he is keeping out of it. DD returned her birthday present, and MiL was apparently 'heartbroken' and shocked (despite being forewarned this would happen).

I'm wondering what will happen at Christmas re presents. If they buy any, they will be returned as DC will refuse to accept them. PiL were due to come to us this year, (obviously not happening now) but they've asked DP to go out with them for lunch on Boxing Day, therefore still trying to cause a split within our little family group. And DP sits on the fence, floundering away, not knowing how to handle it.

He has to make up his own mind. If he wants to go out on Boxing Day, he can, DC are not happy, but they are his parents.

Grrr! Bloody families.

Original poster
IMissGin · 19/12/2017 17:30

We’ve only been NC for a few months. Mainly because they want to be victim in all situations, refuse to apologise or acknowledge that they’ve behaved at all badly. I worry that should we just charity shop they’ll assume we kept them as they’ll know via BIL that they were received. Such drama! I just want some peace

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/12/2017 17:39

"I worry that should we just charity shop they’ll assume we kept them as they’ll know via BIL that they were received"

How would they know via BIL?. Is he the one delivering them and so being used by them as a flying monkey (such people can be and are easily manipulated to do the toxic one's biddings). BIL is only acting in his best interests and certainly not yours. His opinion needs to be therefore roundly ignored, he is not interested in hearing your side of things.

Once the items are received its up to you what happens to them. I think your worries are unfounded. These gifts are unwanted in any case and these were not asked for.

packofshunts · 19/12/2017 17:39

Yep sounds like my vile PiL

user1497997754 · 19/12/2017 17:42

As a grand parent I have sent my daughter her husband and 2 grandchildren their Christmas presents fir the last 2 years. Her father and FIL and MIL have all retired 5 years ago...me and my husband of 11 years are still working...because we don't get to see the grand children anywhere near as much as everyone else and because at Christmas everyone else gets to see them and we HAVE to fit in I refuse now to do so as I think it's very unfair to be penalised because we are still working and I will not revolve the whole of my life around them. Therefore I send Christmas, Birthday. Halloween, Children in Need stuff in the post. If my daughter wants to return them she can if she wants to bin them she can if she wants to give them to the charity shop she can. But I will always know I did the right thing by sending cards and presents for these occasions. Sad I know but that's the way it is.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 19/12/2017 17:42

Take them to a charity shop.

fc301 · 19/12/2017 18:00

User. You would rather not see them at all than see them at a time that suits them???

user1497997754 · 19/12/2017 18:32

Fc301. No I would love to see them but we both work so when contact is made it means taking time off work the majority of the time....whereby all other grand parents are retired and can see them all day everyday if they want also we live 1 hour 30 mins away and all other grand parents live on the doorstep

dinoboogie · 19/12/2017 18:42

Thanks for your input Attila. Im reading as in a similar situ to the OP. My MIL has a bottomless well of spite for us and after a decade of on-off, i think we are prob staying NC now. I was wondering what to do with the parcel of purposely crap, and/or inflammatory, stuff she'll likely send. Was planning to return to sender, but think you're right, probably better to bin/charity shop and not acknowledge it!

Original poster
IMissGin · 19/12/2017 23:43

Turns out she’s also text my mum all nicely nicely to tell her she’s sent a card pressies to us for them and wishing them a merry Christmas... wtf??? Now my mum is in an awkward position too

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 19/12/2017 23:51

Ask your mum to block her number. Send all gifts back via bil. You need to make a serious gesture.

LineyRunner · 19/12/2017 23:54

Dump it all back with BIL and tell him not to be the carrier pigeon in future?

GreenTulips · 19/12/2017 23:56

Send them back - or don't accept them in the first place

Then don't govebot a second thought

Tell your mum to ignore

Original poster
IMissGin · 20/12/2017 00:04

Asked Mum not to reply and said I’ll call tomorrow. I’m just in from work. DP had a message from SIzl basically begging us to play nice and send a pic of kids with toys. I just want a peaceful Christmas ffs

OP posts:
Original poster
IMissGin · 20/12/2017 00:04

They were posted and arrived today so no option to not accept in first place or we would’ve

OP posts:
LineyRunner · 20/12/2017 00:31

Who posted them?

ProseccoMamam · 20/12/2017 00:58

My MIL tried to offer money on DS's birthdays which I refused to give her the bank details for. Any attempts at gift giving for Christmas will be thrown at her face given back to her. My kids don't need fuck all from that evil cunt.

Decline any presents. Tell her the kids have all they need from their family. And tell her to fuck off.

Original poster
IMissGin · 20/12/2017 03:32

BIL posted them, in the box with gifts from them

OP posts:
FancyThatFenceEdge · 20/12/2017 06:17

Shit in the box and return it :)

That should make for an interesting twist!