First Christmas NC with MIL

[IMissGin]

So this is first NC Christmas and she’s sent gifts for kids via BIL despite no apology and not having seen DS since he was 4mo. She has also sent a gif for my mum - no idea on rationale? Nothing for us. No card or note. What should we do? Post back? Bin? I feel like she’s trying to make herself look like the victim again but likewise I don’t want her to think we’re happy to accept gifts but NC. The kids don’t need gifts they need GPs that give a shit. Any advice?

The texting and begging is all game playing.
It's a game you don't need to play just to make others feel better.
Stand firm OP and good luck!

Your mum should just block her number, on no accout are you going to take pictures of your dc playing with the toys ffs.

Sil needs to understand that NC is NC and while you understand she’s in a difficult position, that you’re right to be NC and you really won’t be playing MIL games

I’ve asked Mum to ignore/block/delete. It’s frustrating as BiL/silk seem to think this is an olive branch but it’s not, all we ever asked for is an apology and a discussion about how to move forward- that is the only acceptable olive branch

IMIssGin

Re your comments in quote marks:-

"I’ve asked Mum to ignore/block/delete".

This is the right thing to do; she must maintain radio silence.

"It’s frustrating as BiL/silk seem to think this is an olive branch but it’s not, all we ever asked for is an apology and a discussion about how to move forward- that is the only acceptable olive branch"

Indeed this from your MIL is not an olive branch, its her way of trying to regain control over your actions and bring you back into the dysfunctional fold. The BIL and SIL are simply being used as the flying monkeys by MIL. They do not want to hear your side of things and are only acting in their own self interests so they should be ignored.

However, you asking for an apology and a discussion on how to move forward is not going to happen. You cannot reason with the unreasonable and dysfunctional families have unreasonableness at their very heart. "Normal" rules of familial relations go out the window when it comes to such families as well. Disordered of thinking people like MIL also never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Atilla, as always you speak a lot of sense

Sorry you’re going through this OP. Sounds like returning is te best option for you.

We’re in a similar position, except that PIL have never met DS- he’s a year old now. Somehow they’ve found out about him, and have sent him Birthday and Christmas cards and gifts. We’ve decided to keep the cards for him- I don’t want him to think we’ve hidden things in the future. I’m also happy for him to have the presents for now- he’s only little, doesn’t understand who they’re from, and they’re only small things like a £5 bath toy. It’s more trouble than it’s worth for us to return them. We aren’t acknowledging the parcels though.

I think our approach is probably flawed in lots of ways, but it’s what DH wants for now, and as long as it’s not upsetting DS I’m happy to go along with it.

The parcels did also contain a letter with an apology to DH- which is astonishing, considering that we’re into 5 years of NC and have had nothing like it before.

Package them back up and send them "Return to Sender" with her address on the box.

Include a note, don't include a note, that's entirely up to you but I'd send them back.

Your BIL & SIL are her flying monkeys at the moment and when they 'get' that you're looking for an actual apology. Words. "I'm sorry about..." or "We're sorry about..." not going through the kids.

There should be no acknowledgement.

The problem with sending the items back is that is a response from the receiver and that for such disordered of thinking people is the reward. It simply gives them a green light to bother you even more.

RaeSkywalker

In view of the fact that your PIL have sent a letter of apology to your DH, that might be a game changer. Though I would treat it with caution as it could be a way to manipulate their way back into your lives. It's up to your DH how he proceeds now.

In your case, OP, the behaviour of your MIL has been awful, using your BIL and SIL to do her dirty work for her.

Wow, your MIL is quite the conniving strategist. By getting your BIL and SIL involved and contacting your mum she is essentially getting them onside to make you feel pressured and guilty into getting back in touch with her. If you don't you look bad in front of them and if you do you are back in the toxic cauldron.

Your MIL is quite a schemer. I'd tell your SIL/BIL and your mum that they either stay out of it completely (don't accept gifts or talk about you) or stay away from you too. I would seriously give them that ultimatum.

It sounds like she's trying to build bridges OP. What has she done that she should apologise for?

Rae

That letter of apology is likely to be no apology at all, its another attempt to draw you back in. Is it all about them and the "I'm sorry you feel like that" sort of letter?. Do not fall for it in any case. Toxic people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions and these people have not changed. All this from them to you both is all designed to draw you back in.

I would also keep the presents and bin the cards; he does not need to see those from people who he does not know. You are doing the right thing here by protecting your son from your DHs parents and not acknowledging. Radio silence needs to be maintained.

I would think your DH is still mired somewhat in FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) with regards to his parents. He needs to address that as well; reading "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward could be a good starting point for him.

I do agree that an 'apology' can very easily be nothing of the sort. So definitely be very wary. You're obviously a lot happier being NC so you don't want to be brought down again.

My DM is doing a lot of apologising right now. She does this whilst using the waterworks, probably fairly genuine but it's very hard to deal with. Besides, she keeps saying that she knew nothing about the SA that DSis and I went through at the hands of my father so it's very unclear what she's apologising for.

We're low contact with her.

I find the situation difficult as DC don't really understand why I'm NC with PiL and they're not really old enough to be given the cold facts.

First of all, let us establish another fact. You are the parent. You get to make these decisions without apology or excessive justification. You can assure your child that you are making a wise and loving decision for them as well as yourself. I am not going to script what you should say because you are the only one who knows your children, but you must convey that this isn't up for negotiation. This is not a decision that the child gets to make. Yes, children usually love their grandparents. Children are often quite indiscriminate in their love which is why they need parents to guide them. Not every person is safe to have around and this is a good time to teach that important life lesson. The more matter-of-fact you are, the more matter-of-fact your children will be. When we act hysterical, they will usually reflect our hysteria. If you act anxious, they will act anxious. If you appear unsure, they will push. Model the reaction and attitude you want your children to adopt.

Keep any explanations short and age appropriate. You can gauge what is appropriate information depending on the age of the child. If the child is older and has experienced or witnessed them being nasty in action then you can say more.

Attila thank you- I will order him the book!

The letter is mainly updates/ saying how missed DH is. Then MIL writes that she’s been helped by a counsellor to see “how my past influenced some of my decisions, and I am sorry for any upset caused”. So very vague! I suspect that she’s mainly motivated by wanting contact with DS.

Sorry to derail your thread OP!

UPDATE: we put the gifts in the shed and didn’t acknowledge them other that to ask BIL not to pass anything on again. My mum ignored the text. No contact to us since. Now she’s sent my mums husband a message on Facebook, publicly, saying she hopes they had a great Christmas and loads of kisses etc she’s just looking for a reaction isn’t she?

Yep, it’s in the narc handbook.

Best you can do is let go of the anger (hard I know) accept, work out your strategy and stick to it.
Then start placing bets as to what bat shot crazy thing is going to happen next. Have a laugh and move on.

While hard, is much better for your mental health then anger. They have had enough of your energy as it is

Thought so! Just so infuriating her dragging other people into it and putting them in an awkward position

They are called Flying monkeys. Because the wicked witch of the east sent them to do her bidding. Just like your in laws are doing. Just remember, they are making themselves look bad. Not you

Tick it off the bingo card.

She texted your mum’s partner??

Ffs!

Ignore. Apologise to your mums oh and ask him to kindly block

What IS is about Christmas that brings out the absolute worst in narcs?

Yep! Publicly messaged him on Facebook. I’ve not even discussed any of this with him, I resent that this will force me to so that I can explain a request to block her. Nightmare

You don't need to say much. 'Long story, much hurt involved, could you please delete and block? Will explain more when I next see you, if you want. Thank you.' Or something like that.

If I got that message I'd be pleased to step away from the drama of people I barely know, tbh. I'm long enough in the tooth to 'get it'.

So our birthdays are coming up later this month. Another package has arrived. £5 regifted smellies for me with a basic ‘to, from’ card. A jigsaw for DP with a card that says ‘love from’ in it. I don’t understand- why? Why send me something if it’s so shit it makes it even more obvious that they hate me. If their intentions are good why not just apologise as ask to talk?

DP now wavering and wants to try to reinstate contact. I feel sick at the thought and he’s aaking for my support. yuck. Had such a lovely weekend too.

He will regret it big time if he tries to reinstate contact; that is the whole point of this exercise. You cannot support him in that respect, you stick to your boundary of no contact with his mother.

Its a response that she wants and you must not give this to her, she will know she truly has you then.

Do not acknowledge these items in any way shape or form. Dispose of these items via a charity shop and do not give them any more power. Radio silence from the two of you must be maintained. She wants a response from you; do not give her that satisfaction.

This behaviour is called hoovering. Many disordered of thinking people like narcissists use such behaviours to try and draw their chosen victims back into their dysfunctional web. Presents in such circumstances are used by such people to try and both manipulate and control. Its not caring behaviour in any way or form. She does not want to talk and or apologise; such people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. The rulebook of familial relations goes out the window completely when it comes to dysfunctional families like your DPs family of origin.

Do not fall for it, she has not changed an iota. Such people really do not apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Inform your DP of this as well. It’s not being abusive to another person to limit contact or interaction with them when and if they have proven themselves to be untrustworthy, narcissistic, sociopathic or vainglorious. It’s the moral choice to shun or avoid any person in a local community who has proven themselves to be abusive, neglectful, Machiavellian, or dishonest.