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Original poster

To go back to exh or give new man a chance?

72 replies

Mamakiks · 18/12/2017 22:06

I separated from exh at the beginning of this year. We were married for 7 years and he was awful for most of those years - drinking a lot, generally neglecting me and dc, very self-absorbed. But I did love him and he says he loved me. The separation apparently came as a big shock to him and he has tried to sort himself out these last few months - I know he's quit drinking and I've seen a big improvement in how he interacts with the dc (ie actually plays with them!) He has asked me for another chance and wants me to "think of the family we created" and let us all be together again. The dc are also asking when daddy is coming home. I feel a huge amount of guilt and sometimes wonder if I could try again and see what happens.

However, three months ago I started to feel I was ready to have some fun and started online dating. I had a few awful dates and a few mediocre ones and then I met this lovely, gorgeous, funny, kind man and we really clicked. We have been seeing each other frequently since then, and I have been holding myself back because of this dilemma I'm having about my exh (which new guy knows a little about) but I feel that we could have something really good. My values have changed hugely since I first met my exh and this man seems to fit so much better with what I am looking for in life now. I know how he feels about me as he has been quite open so I don't think I'm getting ahead of myself or reading too much into it.

It probably seems quite simple to anyone on the outside but it feels heart wrenching. Should I give my ex one last chance, mainly for the sake of my dc, but also because I really did love him and don't know if that has totally gone, or should I give the new man a proper chance and not walk away from something potentially amazing?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 18/12/2017 22:14

He’s your ex for a reason! None of what you describe of his behaviour is at all okay and if often takes another relationship with someone different to hammer it home. New man sounds wonderful, you deserve it Smile

If your ex is a decent father he’ll continue to be one and will put his efforts into coparenting with you and not trying to guilt you into having him back.

Look forward, not back. You owe it to yourself to be happy.

Littlechocola · 18/12/2017 22:17

With a dilemma like this I’d walk away from both.
You’re not that in to the new man if you are considering the ex and the sweet dreams of your ex are more about what you feel that you should do than what you want to do.

Original poster
Mamakiks · 18/12/2017 22:20

You're right Anne - this new relationship has opened my eyes to how things could be. I don't want to give new man up but I feel SO guilty for moving on!

OP posts:
ferando81 · 18/12/2017 22:22

Very hard decision.Dont be rushed ,certainly not by your ex.You have no way of knowing if your ex has really changed .On the other hand you have only known this man 3months .

Lookatyourwatchnow · 18/12/2017 22:23

This is a no brainer. 7 years of treating you like shit, and he's suddenly 'sorted it all out'? He would be back to his normal self after about a week.

TheNaze73 · 18/12/2017 22:25

Don’t go back. If you can split up once, you can split up again.

Thickasmince · 18/12/2017 22:25

The ex had every chance and let you (and your/his DC) down over and over. The new guy seems to have an unblemished record. Why go back to something that’s forced and takes effort, over something that’s easy and natural?

Does your ex know about the new guy?

Dozer · 18/12/2017 22:28

Definitely don’t go back to your useless, addict ex. If he wants you all to have a good family life you can: apart. He can (continue?£ to do his fair share financially and with co-parenting. And respect your decision.

New man sounds nice, but take it slower.

helpmum2003 · 18/12/2017 22:28

Take your time! Have fun with the new man and see how that goes. It will give you time to see how ex-husband is long term. But it sounds suspicious that he could really change after so long

I don't rhink the 2 relationships should be linked and in the end it doesn't have to be either of them! If the current relationship falters that's not a reason to go back to ex.

CremeFresh · 18/12/2017 22:28

Don't go back to your ex , what if it still doesn't work and you have to put the kids through the agony of him going again ?

I would spend some time just being single, get your head in a really strong place, it's nice to have a partner but not essential.

Dozer · 18/12/2017 22:29

A few months of sobriety isn’t long at all, and IMO some addicts often continue to be self absorbed even when sober.

Original poster
Mamakiks · 18/12/2017 22:29

Agreed ferando - and I'm certainly not planning ahead with the new man. Whatever happens will happen slowly and cautiously especially as I have young dc. My own dm divorced my abusive father and within 2 years had remarried which I was very unhappy about - I am mindful of this and my dc won't be meeting anyone new til I am absolutely 100% sure that I'm in it for the long run.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamakiks · 18/12/2017 22:31

True Creme I would not want to put my dc through having daddy back and then him having to leave again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamakiks · 18/12/2017 22:34

Ex actually came round unannounced the first time new man was at mine so they met by accident! Hugely awkward for everyone. Since then ex has asked a couple of times if I'm still seeing him and I've told him it's not his business.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamakiks · 19/12/2017 08:16

Bump for some morning traffic!

OP posts:
Tinselistacky · 19/12/2017 08:21

My exp was a twat for years, didn't bother with the dc., no respect for me etc. Split up for 6 months, he begged for another chance, changed etc. I fell for it and even married him. Regretted it after 5 DAYS!! stumbled on until he picked us up drunk and I reported him for drink driving and filed for divorce. Didn't make it to first anniversary!! Leopards really don't change their spots op. Give your new relationship a chance. Your dc deserve a happy dm more than 2 parents under the same roof ime/o.

catbasilio · 19/12/2017 08:50

I was just exactly in your position OP. ExH behaved as a single, infidelity issues, totally absent as a dad to his DC. Afte he moved out and I started seeing a new man later on, he decided he’d changed and wanted to move back. He stepped up with DC a lot, apologised for the wrongdoing and said he’s changed for good. It made me feel guilty and torn but I told him I am having the ball of my life, and although everyone deserves a second chance I am not ready and my heart is not in it. Since then, he’s withdrawn from seeing DC on regular basis and really showed that he and not his DC is his priority in life. He continues to be an absent dad because I didn’t give him a second chance (his words!).
I still have doubts and guilt on occasions but his actions speak
louder than words.

Aperolspritzer123 · 19/12/2017 09:23

same thing here too OP. (but there was no new man on the scene) split up 6 years ago for 18 months, I felt unbelievable guilt for breaking up with him, he said he had changed, I wanted my ds to have us both, so after feeling like maybe better the devil you know I got back together with him. I regretted it within 1 week. Took me another 5 years and another dc before I finally escaped in February. Take it from me DO NOT DO IT!

Aperolspritzer123 · 19/12/2017 09:28

op, Also, once exh had his clutches back into me and he knew I wouldn't be able to go anywhere - he was 10x worse. be warned. Stay with new man or don't but please think v carefully before going right back to the start with your ex as it rarely works out, if ever, and you could be even more miserable like I was.

bastardkitty · 19/12/2017 09:31

Don't go back! Your ex is manipulating your children and you. You left for good reasons.

AdoraBell · 19/12/2017 09:33

Don’t go back to the ex.

Sorry, I time to write more, but he is an ex for a reason.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/12/2017 09:34

He would be back to his normal self after about a week
I'd give it 3 months.
That's the usual length of time before they go right back to how they were.
Please don't fall for this.
And YES - from the outside it does seem very simple.
Not so much when you are in the middle of it though.
Don't put your life on hold of go backwards.

As the saying goes:-

There's a reason the windscreen is so much bigger than the rear-view mirror.
Where you're going is so much better than where you've been.

JaneEyre70 · 19/12/2017 09:44

You can't go back to that - he's just putting a very good act on to woo you back, the minute he's back on familiar ground the behaviour he showed for 7 whole years will be back with bells on. You can't put yourself or your DC through it. You can only move forward in life, not back.

Original poster
Mamakiks · 19/12/2017 09:44

Pretty unanimous then. So there's nobody that thinks it's possible or has experience of a genuinely remorseful man that goes on to change and be a better husband and father? What about when my dc are older and ask me why I didn't give him one last chance?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamakiks · 19/12/2017 09:45

Do dc actually even do this or am I imagining something that will never happen Grin

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