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Original poster

To go back to exh or give new man a chance?

72 replies

Mamakiks · 18/12/2017 22:06

I separated from exh at the beginning of this year. We were married for 7 years and he was awful for most of those years - drinking a lot, generally neglecting me and dc, very self-absorbed. But I did love him and he says he loved me. The separation apparently came as a big shock to him and he has tried to sort himself out these last few months - I know he's quit drinking and I've seen a big improvement in how he interacts with the dc (ie actually plays with them!) He has asked me for another chance and wants me to "think of the family we created" and let us all be together again. The dc are also asking when daddy is coming home. I feel a huge amount of guilt and sometimes wonder if I could try again and see what happens.

However, three months ago I started to feel I was ready to have some fun and started online dating. I had a few awful dates and a few mediocre ones and then I met this lovely, gorgeous, funny, kind man and we really clicked. We have been seeing each other frequently since then, and I have been holding myself back because of this dilemma I'm having about my exh (which new guy knows a little about) but I feel that we could have something really good. My values have changed hugely since I first met my exh and this man seems to fit so much better with what I am looking for in life now. I know how he feels about me as he has been quite open so I don't think I'm getting ahead of myself or reading too much into it.

It probably seems quite simple to anyone on the outside but it feels heart wrenching. Should I give my ex one last chance, mainly for the sake of my dc, but also because I really did love him and don't know if that has totally gone, or should I give the new man a proper chance and not walk away from something potentially amazing?

OP posts:
springydaff · 19/12/2017 09:45

I went back to my (abusive) ex for the reasons you describe. Regretted it almost immediately. Took a year before I could leave him again for good.

bastardkitty · 19/12/2017 09:47

Also ex turned up unannounced the first time you met your new man - I would wonder whether he is spying on you - watching your house or can access your accounts/devices.

Louiseandhercubs · 19/12/2017 09:47

I do think everyone has a chance to change. Sometimes big things can shock you into change.

My step dad briefly split with my mum when we were children (I didn't know until we were adults and chatting to my mum) he came back after s few months they got married and have been together 17 years.

I also have friends who have split up and got back stronger than ever.

It's never happened to me, it did with my ex but it wasn't a proper relationship. I was only 18 and no dc.

I personally think the fact your in a dilemma shows you want your ex back. If you didn't want to go back you wouldn't be debating it.

rizlett · 19/12/2017 09:48

You gave him lots of chances - the whole time you were together.

They're unlikely to ask if they can see you are happy.

Someone usually manages to up their game when there is another person in the mix - kind of like playing the 'pick me' dance but unless they have had a fundamental change that behaviour is unlikely to last.

There is no need to decide right now either. Wait and see - the right answer will come to you.

catbasilio · 19/12/2017 09:49

I actually wished for my ex to have changed for the better.
From my 1.5 years experience as separated, two happily separated parents for just as well for the kids. In the brief period of time that exH stepped up and saw DC regularly, they were at the happiest and didn't question the setup.
New man or no man, when exH stopped seeing them regularly that's where it made DC miserable. But I cannot change that, so I can only reassure love from my side.

Mix56 · 19/12/2017 09:50

you reply, You can't give someone who hurt you for 7 years a second chance, to go back to square one, the potential upheaval for them & yourself, too much pain, too much sorrow, life is short.

MonsieurBing · 19/12/2017 09:52

Did the ex's behaviour begin to improve at about the same time you started dating by any chance?!?

Chiconbelge · 19/12/2017 09:53

Mama, I think you are dealing with a complex and evolving situation and part of this is that you crave greater simplicity. But your posts show that you can cope, you are coping and you will cope. That includes coping with messy emotions - guilt about your ex, enjoying time with your BF without knowing where it will go. Do what you are doing - put yourself and your kids first. Concentrate on creating a framework within which your exH can be a good dad - IF he can - but which protects you all if he can’t. And carry on valuing yourself and what you want out of life.

gamerchick · 19/12/2017 09:54

Hasn’t it occurred to you that your ex is a much better dad to his kids because you’re not together?

Personally it sounds familiar. Ex sees new man on the scene and pulls out all the stops to chase him.

Really you probsbly should take some time out if you’re seeing this as a choice to make but in reality sack off the notion of the ex and just have some fun. Tell your ex you’ve seen how much a nicer person he is when you’re not together to squash that shit down.

You’ll probably find a glimpse of the old him and then he’ll ramp it up by getting a girlfriend to show you what you’re missing.

DONT FALL FOR IT!

catbasilio · 19/12/2017 09:55

Brilliant words Chiconbelge

Tinselistacky · 19/12/2017 09:57

The day he made his vows he should have been a decent dh. You aren't obliged to keep giving extra chances!!
By the time dc are older they will have seen his true colours. Why would they have expected you to put up and shut up?

fannyfelcher · 19/12/2017 09:58

It seems to me that you are considering your ex based solely on misplaced guilt. You did not really say you cared for him at all now, in fact you say I did love him. So past tense. Do not go back to this man. He had his chances several times over. You need to address the guilt you are feeling though, as it is that that will prevent you moving forward. You do not owe your children a chance to live with their father. He ruined that time and time again but his own choice ( and put you and the kids through hell). You do not owe HIM anything at all. Well done that he has got clean etc but now it is time for him to focus on repairing the relationship with his kids WITHOUT you and him being an issue. Also do not discount that he may well want you back simply because he feels that you are "his" and he is trying to mark his territory.....there is a chance that if you pick him, once the other guy is off the scene he may revert back to type as he has now "won".

You need to set firm boundaries. He can see the kids and the only things discussed between you are the children. You are not friends. Wish him well and send him on hos new journey while you continue yours with this new interest. Again, be clear on boundaries and be firm with taking it slow. But he sounds like a nice guy. So all the luck to you both.

LexieLulu · 19/12/2017 09:59

From past experience (of my alcoholic mother rather than partner), people change, but only for a short time... then go back to how they were :(

NataliaOsipova · 19/12/2017 09:59

A male friend of mine had a similar situation. Split up from his wife. Got into a bit of complex situation with them still doing things (e.g. holidays, Christmas) together "because the kids like it". He then met a lovely new lady. She was terrific and obviously thought the sun shone out of him - they seemed really happy. The ex wife then decided she didn't want to sell the house and suggested they gave it another go "for the kids". Lasted three months. They're now getting divorced and he really misses the lovely new lady (who won't give him another chance). As he now says, "we split up the first time for a reason".....

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 19/12/2017 09:59

Ok you want a simple answer.
In 10 years time will you have regrets from moving on from your ex? If yes, then there's your answer.

MorrisZapp · 19/12/2017 10:02

People can be crap in relationships, but this man has been a crap dad. Think about it. Being a father has not woken up his caring instincts. Seeing you with another man has.

Aye right.

Skinandbones · 19/12/2017 10:07

My ex hubby frequently verbally abused me, once I got away I never went back, but he still saw our dd one day a week. Until the day she ate the wrong cheese and he started screaming at her. It took years before she would even see him again. Please don't go back.

misscph1973 · 19/12/2017 10:08

Don't forget that YOU left your xh. That would have dented his pride a lot. Men often want what they have lost. And now you are very attractive as you are seeing someone new. It's probably more about his vanity than his feelings for you.

SaturnUranus · 19/12/2017 10:10

Your ex may have given up drinking but there's little else in your posts to suggest that he's changed a great deal.

He still sounds very self-absorbed. He's trying to guilt you into taking him back. He's turned up at your house unannounced.

And there's a lot more to being a good parent than playing with the children.

I would give the new man a chance. In the meantime your ex can work on building up his relationship with his own children.

RatRolyPoly · 19/12/2017 10:11

If you don't go back to your ex don't let it be because of the new man. Everyone's amazing after 3 months.

Honestly in your position I would like to think I'd put new relationships on the back burner, purely in light of the effort your ex is making - in particular towards your DC. Not that you owe him anything, but I know that I would struggle to be answerable for my actions in years to come if I wasn't CERTAIN we were done. And you don't sound certain.

I wouldn't jump back into a relationship with exh though, I'd just stay open, stay watching and see if anything was there to develop. There would have to be a timescale though and that's something you should discuss together. When me and my exh separated I was in a similar position. The breakup brought out many home-truths and very nearly brought us back together, but there being no DC between us it was easier to wave goodbye and start afresh than to overcome our issues. If there had been DC involved it would almost certainly have gone differently.

SandyY2K · 19/12/2017 10:12

People can change, but you haven't had long enough to see if it's a sustained change yet.

I'm also sensing it's more for the children than because of how you feel.

Maybe being on your own for a few months is a good option.

See how long the new improved him lasts...then take it from there...but only if your heart is in it. You need to have romantic feelings towards him.

..you said your Ex met new man accidentally? So the kids weren't home at that time?

Original poster
Mamakiks · 19/12/2017 10:19

Ratrolypoly I'm actually finding myself agreeing with what you're saying. I'm clearly not certain ex and I are done or I wouldn't be asking this question. I want to wait and watch and see what develops with ex, how long can he keep the new him up etc. But without being in a relationship with him. I certainly don't want to get 10 years down the line and be thinking what if.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamakiks · 19/12/2017 10:24

And yes to pp who asked, the dramatic transformation did coincide with Ex finding out about new man!

OP posts:
catbasilio · 19/12/2017 10:27

They are left astounded that we manage to have life after they've left, are they Grin

RatRolyPoly · 19/12/2017 10:28

It's so hard isn't it, but I really think being at peace with your decision in the long-term will be the best outcome for you; and trust me, there will be plenty of lovely men or there if you find yourself looking again with nothing hanging over your head. There will be fewer if you come with unresolved baggage!

And you know what, a really good man who's new on the scene won't think less of you for walking away for now for those reasons, if that's what you choose to do. Just don't do what I did and think the first good offer post-break-up might be your only chance at a good offer and think you can multitask keeping that flame alight whilst assessing the situation with your ex... Many tears that way lie.