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Original poster

To go back to exh or give new man a chance?

72 replies

Mamakiks · 18/12/2017 22:06

I separated from exh at the beginning of this year. We were married for 7 years and he was awful for most of those years - drinking a lot, generally neglecting me and dc, very self-absorbed. But I did love him and he says he loved me. The separation apparently came as a big shock to him and he has tried to sort himself out these last few months - I know he's quit drinking and I've seen a big improvement in how he interacts with the dc (ie actually plays with them!) He has asked me for another chance and wants me to "think of the family we created" and let us all be together again. The dc are also asking when daddy is coming home. I feel a huge amount of guilt and sometimes wonder if I could try again and see what happens.

However, three months ago I started to feel I was ready to have some fun and started online dating. I had a few awful dates and a few mediocre ones and then I met this lovely, gorgeous, funny, kind man and we really clicked. We have been seeing each other frequently since then, and I have been holding myself back because of this dilemma I'm having about my exh (which new guy knows a little about) but I feel that we could have something really good. My values have changed hugely since I first met my exh and this man seems to fit so much better with what I am looking for in life now. I know how he feels about me as he has been quite open so I don't think I'm getting ahead of myself or reading too much into it.

It probably seems quite simple to anyone on the outside but it feels heart wrenching. Should I give my ex one last chance, mainly for the sake of my dc, but also because I really did love him and don't know if that has totally gone, or should I give the new man a proper chance and not walk away from something potentially amazing?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 19/12/2017 10:29

He realised he had competition and stepped up... Will he still keep up with the new him when the new man is off the scene...

Original poster
Mamakiks · 19/12/2017 10:35

Wise words re multitasking ratrolypoly!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamakiks · 19/12/2017 10:37

Catbasilio - sorry this has happened to you too, it's so manipulative of them, to show willing and eager to try and win you back but revert to type the second you say no. And it's our dc who suffer. Sounds like you are enjoying your freedom though, good for you Flowers

OP posts:
Strugglebug · 19/12/2017 10:45

I chose to go back to my husband after 9months apart, he showed he had made some changes and showed he could be a better husband. I too was seeing another man, but felt I had to give my husband another chance. I had to go no contact with the other man and put my husband first. I wish I hadn't cut the other man off and I wish I hadn't taken back my husband. He has shown he is cold and calculating and now I feel trapped as I'm due to start a new job, but I need him to have the children whilst I work. If I end things he won't have the kids so il have to say I can't take the job.
Keep ex husband as an ex, if he was that bad x

Original poster
Mamakiks · 19/12/2017 10:48

Oh strugglebug, how shitty Sad

OP posts:
Mintychoc1 · 19/12/2017 10:49

Tell ex you need another 6 months to think about it. Then watch him revert to type, because there's no way he'll be able to keep up the good guy show for that long.

Strugglebug · 19/12/2017 10:52

It is shitty, we went through hell when he and I split, the kids really felt it.

Original poster
Mamakiks · 19/12/2017 10:56

Strugglebug - how are your kids now you're back together?

OP posts:
Codlet · 19/12/2017 10:57

I think it's possible that a genuinely remorseful goes on to change. I just think it's unlikely.

GottadoitGottadoit · 19/12/2017 11:00

the dramatic transformation did coincide with Ex finding out about new man!

Oh FFS how transparent!

And what is it with people thinking their kids will hold them to account in years to come, I have literally never known this to happen!

Original poster
Mamakiks · 19/12/2017 11:02

Well yes gottadoit I did wonder if this is just me in panic overdrive. My dc are so young (3 and 5) that the logical part of me realises they will probably adjust and forget we were ever actually together!

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 19/12/2017 11:08

he was awful for most of those years
Please just remember this!!!
Your DC are no doubt very glad to be away from it all.
No matter what they say now.
You did the right thing then.
Don't let his 'change' make a difference now.
You have a good man you connect well with.
An your Ex snaps his fingers as he's 'changed' and you go running back!
No Just NOOOO!!!
Never doubt getting away from an abusive controlling asshole.
I'm assuming that's what he was?
And an alcoholic.
What has he done about the alcohol?
Is he going to AA meetings?
Getting counselling?
I can bet my bottom dollar he isn't doing any of these things!
He doesn't mean any of it.
It's all manipulation to get you back in line.
Do NOT fall for it.

Original poster
Mamakiks · 19/12/2017 11:09

Having said that however, my relationship with my dm does struggle because of the decisions she made that affected me - to take back my physically abusive father over and over again, then to finally divorce him when I was 15 and go on to marry an alcoholic when I was 18. I do sort of hold her accountable, maybe I shouldn't..

OP posts:
Strugglebug · 19/12/2017 11:10

The kids were over the moon to have their dad back, but now, he has gone back to his cruel sarcastic ways, he makes the kids see it as jokes and funny cos he is extremely immature, oh I'm the miserable one that doesn't know how to have fun!!
The kids would hate for him to go again, but I know time would heal that

laudanum · 19/12/2017 11:15

Never go back to an ex for the sake of the kids, especially when it involved a terrible relationship. Yes your kids are asking where he is, but if you got back together and things went badly again, your kids are going to witness that. That's even worse.

Love isn't always enough. If your ex is selfish and self absorbed, he's likely only interested in what you can do for HIM. Sod that. Stay away. Have some fun with your new bloke, or date other people and have more fun.

Louiseandhercubs · 19/12/2017 11:15

I genuinely think people can change. I know in the past I've seen the error of my own ways and changed. But you need to see it the changes work for you. They might not.

I understand the dilemma you have. I really do. If I remember rightly it's rare children remember anything before their 7th birthday in later life

Dozer · 19/12/2017 11:17

3 and 5 is young: they will be fine with the new reality. If your ex is a decent parent he can spend lots of time with them. You can encourage him to stay sober and live well, wish him well, without being emotionally embroiled with him.

Never a good idea to return to a bad relationship “for the sake of the kids”.

Really hope you improve your “boundaries” with your ex and move on, whether single or in a new relationship.

Original poster
Mamakiks · 19/12/2017 11:50

I agree Louise, I have changed myself when I have seen that my behaviour is unacceptable. But I've done it quietly and carefully, for myself and for my dc, without a big song and dance about changing and without conditions. Different really isn't it...

OP posts:
trappedinsuburbia · 19/12/2017 12:03

Im the same position at the moment but without another man involved.
My ex swings between angry, heartbroken then mr nice guy to try and win me back, he has also suddenly turned into a model father etc etc, only trouble is I have seen it ALL before from him.
I don't think he actually loves me or he wouldn't have behaved the way he did over the years, he did once admit that he didn't believe I would ever send him packing and would just put up with everything! I think he's just in shock and doesn't know what to do with himself without me and the kids.
I have absolutely no intention of having him back, like others have said, he's an ex for a reason. Think of his behaviour over the years because thats exactly what he'll revert back to within a week or two.

Original poster
Mamakiks · 19/12/2017 19:45

You're all right he's reeling me in with false promises and would no doubt be his old self within about 3 months. It's just so hard when dc are involved, I find I'm constantly questioning myself.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 20/12/2017 07:45

DC will be much happier without an emotionally abusive father.
Their role model will be Him, seeing you accepting EA, & tiptoeing about,
Move ahead, not back

Thebluedog · 20/12/2017 07:51

Ex are ex’s for a reason.

It’s very convenient that your ex has turned over a new leaf just as you’ve started to move on and have met someone... my ex did this this the minute I’d met someone. I have him another chance (no kids involved), and as soon as I’d split from the new man and had fully invested in my ex he started to show his old traits again and all the promises he made, he either denied he’d said or simply didn’t follow through with. Stick with the new man imo

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