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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm confused - am I in the wrong?

69 replies

fairydustandpixies · 18/12/2017 11:07

Hi,

I'd be so grateful for opinions/advice on my current situation. I've been with my DP for almost three years, we don't live together, he's been a massive support this year as I'm going through the most awful of times. I have no friends apart from one male friend whom I don't see but we text now and then. Nothing flirty or sexual, just the kind of texts you'd send to a female friend.

DP absolutely hates him. Has never met him, but detests him. He said he was a 'deal breaker' which is why I don't see my friend anymore and just text him.

Yesterday, DP came round and we had a fantastic afternoon and we had dinner. I showed him something on my phone (which is always lying around and free to access, nothing to hide) and he saw a text from my friend. He literally got up and left. Didn't question me, didn't ask anything, just said he had to go home. (By the way, his phone is always firmly on his person, he never leaves it lying around.)

When he got home, he sent me a text to say that he'd left because I was 'cheating' and 'lying'.

At this point I will mention that he has two close female friends who he texts constantly, goes out with (and lies about going out with them), has cut dates short with me to go to parties with one or the other of them. I 100% know he's not cheating on my and these women have been friends of his before I ever came into his life, but how is it I'm 'cheating' by exchanging texts once or twice a week when it's okay for him to go out with other women?

I've called and called him, I've sent texts, emails. No reply. He's ignoring everything. I'm very unwell and have to go into hospital for ten days in the new year, he knows this. I also have other massive problems that I'm facing, again, he knows.

Do you think it's just an excuse to break up with me by blaming me for 'cheating' because he can't handle everything else? We're in our 40s ffs!!

OP posts:
scottishdiem · 18/12/2017 11:11

He is controlling your friendships. Why are you with him? He is gone. Let him go. Enjoy your friendships and find someone better.

(you are totally not in the wrong although I do get that many women dont like men to have female friends and many men dont like women to have male friends but they are all very wrong in this)

youngnomore · 18/12/2017 11:11

I would not want to put up with this sort of childish behaviour at any age but in your 40s its a big no no. Tell him to grow up or you’re moving on. You are NOT in the wrong.

shoeaddict83 · 18/12/2017 11:13

No hes acting like a petulant child! You are allowed friendships FFS! And being a total hypocrite i might add if hes allowed female friends but you cant have male ones.
I couldn't be with someone who is as controlling as this.

SnowGlitter · 18/12/2017 11:17

DP absolutely hates him. Has never met him, but detests him. He said he was a 'deal breaker' which is why I don't see my friend anymore and just text him.

To be honest, that was the mistake you made. There is no way I would have stopped seeing a friend because a new boyfriend dictated it.

I think he's trying to control you and you are not falling into line quite enough for his tastes. So I don't think it matters whether he expects you to jump through hoops to prove your love for him, or whether he intends to end it, I think you should be the one telling him it is over and blocking him.

There is no way I would stand for this.

Afterthestorm · 18/12/2017 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeppermintPasty · 18/12/2017 11:18

He will be getting off on you chasing after him after that petulant show. Why put yourself through it? He's controlling and abusive from what you've written here, and nobody needs that in their life.

I know it's difficult, but please try and go no contact. He is showing you what he is like. I don't think he gives two hoots about you from that little snapshot.

fairydustandpixies · 18/12/2017 14:34

Thank you all so much for your comments. I'm glad I haven't taken things out of proportion. I didn't think I had but his reaction made me feel otherwise.

I've deleted and blocked him everywhere. I'm heartbroken. NC commences...

Merry Christmas eh?

OP posts:
hmmmmm · 18/12/2017 14:39

Good keep up the NC. So sorry for you.

Go out and make new friends

Annelind · 18/12/2017 14:40

Have a Merry Christmas with your REAL friend - not the controlling, hypocritical manchild you were with! Xmas Grin

fairydustandpixies · 18/12/2017 15:32

Thank you - and Anne, you made me giggle!

I've crazily signed up for some group activities and stuff, first one tomorrow! I need to keep busy.

Do hate this but, hey ho, been here before, got the tshirt, mug, fridge magnet, stick of rock...and got out alive the other side! I will again this time.

I'm just going to go and cry a bit more and let it out. And have a drink. A large, strong one. Maybe five!

He picked his nose and farted all the time. Who needs that in their life? And he was seriously, seriously overweight. I have curves, way too many, but 25 stone?? Nah, you're all right. It hurts but I can do better and be treated better.

NC for an hour now - hahaha! Woohoo! Go me! Sad

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/12/2017 15:38

I would also suggest Fairy that you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid as men like this one who targeted you often take a long time to recover from. Doing this will help you in your recovery from his abuse of you.

FurryDogMother · 18/12/2017 15:46

You sound brilliant, OP - was so pleased to read that you'd gone NC with this twerp :) Phone your friend and arrange to meet up - and look forward to a New Year of freedom to see who you want and do what you want :) You can most certainly do better!

AFistfulOfDolores · 18/12/2017 16:18

OP, your (now-ex)DP's behaviour is most probably projection, and in all likelihood it is he who was having - or at the very least contemplating - an affair.

Good on you!

fairydustandpixies · 18/12/2017 17:34

Honestly, thank you all so much. I'm in tears reading your replies. I don't know any of you but you're being so kind. Thank you

OP posts:
hmmmmm · 18/12/2017 18:09

Sounds like a happy ending to me. You'll be ok.

And you can do freedom program online

fairydustandpixies · 18/12/2017 18:17

Thank you for the pointer - that's my job tomorrow after the other stuff I've signed up for. I WILL do that, thank you.

And guess what?? I'm seeing my friend on Wednesday!!!!! First time in way, way too long! We're going for a Christmas drink and a catch up with all our news.

What do they say? Hoes before bros or something?!!!

Still crying though. Glad I deleted his details. I miss him :(

OP posts:
hmmmmm · 18/12/2017 18:50

You just miss him being there. You'll get used to it.

He sounds like a petulant child

hmmmmm · 18/12/2017 18:53

Freedom programme

AngelsSins · 18/12/2017 19:04

Just prep yourself for hearing from him again, controlling men never let their victims go that easy. He'll probably call and say that he's calmed down and is now willing to let you explain yourself or whatever. Just be ready for that.

ChickenMom · 18/12/2017 19:06

Your DP is out of order and his behaviour is beyond childish. Who the hell does he think he is?? Get rid. Join the NC thread on here to keep you NC. Good job he left now before you invested more time in this loser. Get in contact with all of your old friends and start having a good life again. You can do it Xxx

fairydustandpixies · 18/12/2017 20:18

Thank you. All of you.

You have no idea what your comments mean.

Sorry for being rubbish.

How is it possible to cry this much??? ARGH!!! I'm bloody 46 for crying out loud!!

OP posts:
hmmmmm · 18/12/2017 20:35

It's probably a release. Let it flow.

Babyblues052 · 18/12/2017 20:35

Hes a controlling prick that wants you to go running after him.

You seem to have a lot to be thankful for and look forward to! (Minus hospital obviouslyFlowers) I say forget him (easier said than done) and allow yourself to enjoy the time you have with the people who ACTUALLY love and care about you.

Have fun with your friend and family Flowers

FlutterGuy · 18/12/2017 20:48

Fairydust, you sound fab. Seriously. How many people would immediately pick themselves up and sign up for group activities? That's fantastic spirit you have. It's painful right now, but that man clearly wasn't the key to your happiness because he was cruel to you, in order to keep you under his control. Have fun with your friend and family, enjoy the group activities, and celebrate your freedom and this next phase of your life. How many of us can boast that we shed 25 stone in time for Christmas?

fairydustandpixies · 18/12/2017 22:15

Flutter - you have made me howl with laughter!!! Thank you!!
And thank you all, each and every one of you. Thank you for all of your comments. ExDP is currently texting DS1 (18) saying what a cheat and I liar I am. I only had a friend, one single friend!! I never lied about it! He went out with female friends - ARGH, do you know what??? I can't be bothered. Heartbroken? Yep. His presents under the tree? Yep.
I've more serious things to concentrate on. My health first and of course my gorgeous boys.
In the meantime I have another male to go to bed with. My stinky old dog!! Far more reliable than 'him'.
Can't believe he's done this. Ah well. Best rid? But just before Christmas??
Sorry, sorry - couple of glasses down and am now in bed. Emotional and venting.
Work tomorrow. Joy!
My dog is much more snuggly, yes he farts but he doesn't pick his nose!!
Night night all of you. Thank you xx

OP posts: