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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm confused - am I in the wrong?

69 replies

fairydustandpixies · 18/12/2017 11:07

Hi,

I'd be so grateful for opinions/advice on my current situation. I've been with my DP for almost three years, we don't live together, he's been a massive support this year as I'm going through the most awful of times. I have no friends apart from one male friend whom I don't see but we text now and then. Nothing flirty or sexual, just the kind of texts you'd send to a female friend.

DP absolutely hates him. Has never met him, but detests him. He said he was a 'deal breaker' which is why I don't see my friend anymore and just text him.

Yesterday, DP came round and we had a fantastic afternoon and we had dinner. I showed him something on my phone (which is always lying around and free to access, nothing to hide) and he saw a text from my friend. He literally got up and left. Didn't question me, didn't ask anything, just said he had to go home. (By the way, his phone is always firmly on his person, he never leaves it lying around.)

When he got home, he sent me a text to say that he'd left because I was 'cheating' and 'lying'.

At this point I will mention that he has two close female friends who he texts constantly, goes out with (and lies about going out with them), has cut dates short with me to go to parties with one or the other of them. I 100% know he's not cheating on my and these women have been friends of his before I ever came into his life, but how is it I'm 'cheating' by exchanging texts once or twice a week when it's okay for him to go out with other women?

I've called and called him, I've sent texts, emails. No reply. He's ignoring everything. I'm very unwell and have to go into hospital for ten days in the new year, he knows this. I also have other massive problems that I'm facing, again, he knows.

Do you think it's just an excuse to break up with me by blaming me for 'cheating' because he can't handle everything else? We're in our 40s ffs!!

OP posts:
Reflexella · 19/12/2017 00:06

Dump. This. Guy.

Honestly red flag moment

Reflexella · 19/12/2017 00:07

Gosh you did! Well done!!!!👍

TheEdge266 · 19/12/2017 00:31

Put on your prettiest shoes, hair flip and enjoy being single. Have a great time on Wednesday. Ex who?

RavenLG · 19/12/2017 00:46

I came to comment and offer advice but all I can say is "Guuurl, you got this!".

To echo the others, he sounds like a controlling, hypocritical douchebag and you're better off without him.

Have a good cry, watch some soppy movies, listen to sad songs then go out and have a bloody good time with your pal on Wednesday and forget that loser! He doesn't deserve you!

Mom2K · 19/12/2017 02:08

Just another here echoing well done on the blocking and NC! You are worth so much more than that abusive hypocrite. Flowers

Isetan · 19/12/2017 04:42

Can't believe he's done this.

Given his past behaviour, this behaviour was totally expected. The question you need to ask yourself isn’t, ‘why did he?’ but ‘why didn’t I see it coming’?

RebootYourEngine · 19/12/2017 05:02

Did i read that right, he has been texting your child and slating you? Your ds needs to block him and go NC with him too.

You are well rid of him.

fairydustandpixies · 19/12/2017 17:25

I'm such an idiot. I was so strong yesterday and have pathetically sent him three texts and one email - not shy of begging. He apparently tried to phone DS1 at work this afternoon (I've apologised to DS1 and told him to block his number, DS1 didn't answer btw).

So NC starts again now. I will be resolute.

And I posted him his Christmas presents from my family and I today too. Probably a mistake.

I never bloody learn.

But the good thing is I get to see my friend after months and months of no contact tomorrow. Can't wait! He's a good friend and I look forward to having him back in my life. More apologies to be made there!! Bros before hoes??!!! I don't know, I'm too old! !!

OP posts:
fairydustandpixies · 19/12/2017 18:30

Thank you for all of your replies. Please could I put you all in my bag so you can kick my arse when I do stupid things like today??!

Thank you all. I don't know what to do and I will admit I'm on my knees. #gathers up strength which is scattered like marbles on the floor and hoists up big girl pants.

I'm so upset.

OP posts:
fairydustandpixies · 19/12/2017 18:32

Life is so rubbish.

OP posts:
fairydustandpixies · 19/12/2017 18:36

But that aside - how beautiful is this sunset?

Need to focus on the important things.
Like living :)

I'm confused - am I in the wrong?
OP posts:
johendy · 19/12/2017 19:22

Stay strong. Read this thread back when you start to wobble. You have the strength, you're just out of practise at using it.

PicklingGherkins · 19/12/2017 19:36

I'm seconding the freedom programme, you're seeking closure (or reconciliation) from a giant, self absorbed man child. Get him gone and get on with life - you sound brilliant, don't be having none of this shit!!

fairydustandpixies · 19/12/2017 19:59

Thank you. *crying
I can do this xx

OP posts:
fairydustandpixies · 19/12/2017 20:02

In the words of Robin Williams - "Poor me. Poor me. Pour me another drink!"
This is so shit, so sad 😢

OP posts:
fairydustandpixies · 19/12/2017 20:03

I CAN DO THIS!!! I'M 46 FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!
Grrrrrr!!!!

OP posts:
AntiHop · 19/12/2017 20:06

You can do it op. Move onto your next chapter.

Freezingwinter · 19/12/2017 20:06

You sound like a really nice person, and sensible too. I am so pleased for you! Please come back and update us when you've met someone wonderful who you deserve!

PicklingGherkins · 19/12/2017 20:13

Just know, you are not on your own with this, come here and talk whenever you want but know there are plenty of people here who have your back!!

Dozer · 19/12/2017 20:19

Please don’t go back to the controlling bastard. Back to NC, and do all the things you planned, including the Freedom Programme, to work out why you didn’t run for the hills long ago.

Tell DS to block him too.

It will be a better year in 2018 without him, honestly.

MyKingdomForBrie · 19/12/2017 20:26

He is a disrespectful misogynistic cunt. He thinks he can control and dictate to you while doing whatever he wants. Please stop portraying him in your mind as some decent or likeable person. He’s not.

EasterRobin · 19/12/2017 20:52

He's now brought your child into this to hear abusive insults about his mum. NO NO NO! This man is not suitable to have around your family. Remind yourself of this when you are feeling weak. No amount of apologising could make this ok.

You are doing great in going NC and finding distractions for yourself. It might be worth reading up on how controlling partners reel you in and get you attached before becoming increasingly restrictive and impacting your self-esteem. It might ring some bells for you on the path you could have been heading down.

Naughtysausage · 19/12/2017 21:04

How dare he talk about you like that to your son! What a shit!

He's trying in his pathetic way to inflict maximum damage but it still be your fault.

I am furious for you. Be angry! And leave him alone, with nobody to control, to be miserable.

fairydustandpixies · 19/12/2017 21:44

Freedom Programme marked for reading in bed (which is where I'm off to now).

I'd love to thank each of you individually but I'd probably be thrown off for using excessive bandwidth!

But, please, all of you, thank you so, so much. I know I've got it easy compared to so many of you and your replies have me in tears - again - but in a good way! Sorry. Thank you everyone. Sending you all a huge hug. You are all amazing and for whatever reason you're here, I hope you receive as much support as I have from you all.

Oh dear. Sobbing again! Sorry. Thank you. Night night x

OP posts:
IcedCocoa · 19/12/2017 21:52

I am too tired to say more than get some sleep and do not text this man again.
Enjoy seeing your friend - life is too short to not see friends.
You will get through thisFlowers

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