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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm confused - am I in the wrong?

69 replies

fairydustandpixies · 18/12/2017 11:07

Hi,

I'd be so grateful for opinions/advice on my current situation. I've been with my DP for almost three years, we don't live together, he's been a massive support this year as I'm going through the most awful of times. I have no friends apart from one male friend whom I don't see but we text now and then. Nothing flirty or sexual, just the kind of texts you'd send to a female friend.

DP absolutely hates him. Has never met him, but detests him. He said he was a 'deal breaker' which is why I don't see my friend anymore and just text him.

Yesterday, DP came round and we had a fantastic afternoon and we had dinner. I showed him something on my phone (which is always lying around and free to access, nothing to hide) and he saw a text from my friend. He literally got up and left. Didn't question me, didn't ask anything, just said he had to go home. (By the way, his phone is always firmly on his person, he never leaves it lying around.)

When he got home, he sent me a text to say that he'd left because I was 'cheating' and 'lying'.

At this point I will mention that he has two close female friends who he texts constantly, goes out with (and lies about going out with them), has cut dates short with me to go to parties with one or the other of them. I 100% know he's not cheating on my and these women have been friends of his before I ever came into his life, but how is it I'm 'cheating' by exchanging texts once or twice a week when it's okay for him to go out with other women?

I've called and called him, I've sent texts, emails. No reply. He's ignoring everything. I'm very unwell and have to go into hospital for ten days in the new year, he knows this. I also have other massive problems that I'm facing, again, he knows.

Do you think it's just an excuse to break up with me by blaming me for 'cheating' because he can't handle everything else? We're in our 40s ffs!!

OP posts:
Naughtysausage · 20/12/2017 20:06

How did today go OP?

Civilsoot · 20/12/2017 20:13

Stay strong OP. You have dodged a bullet. This man will never make you happy. This type of controlling behaviour only dangerously spirals.

Zaphodsotherhead · 20/12/2017 20:16

Coming in slightly late to this, to say that I want to be you when I'm grown up, Fairy.

fairydustandpixies · 20/12/2017 20:53

Thank you all. My poor friend is unwell and had to go to the doctors (antibiotics) but we caught up on Facetime and we're meeting next week now. It was so great to see him on video chat. Not chatted to him in months. Hadn't realised how much I missed chatting nonsense to a friend!
Told my parents DP and I are over (they loved him).
I've got this. Totally got this. (She says in tears!)
NO!! I DO HAVE THIS!!! I have this!!! Lucky escape!!! Just an unfortunate time of year and period in life. It'll be okay!
Zapshod - no you don't!!! Don't grow up, it's pants! Just enjoy being you and love your life and those in it :) x

OP posts:
NotAChristmasCakePop · 20/12/2017 21:29

Oh fairy that sounds like a horrid ordeal, but you'll be better off without him!

fairydustandpixies · 20/12/2017 21:55

Thank you. I know I will be. Just awful telling my parents (who adored him) days before Christmas when I'd only told them about my hospital operation just no time at all. They're not in great health and I hate I'm putting this on them. They always used to call me "the teenager from hell" (I am the eldest). Reckon I'm carrying on the tradition heading towards my 50s!
I'm 46, tired, just done really. Xmas Smile

OP posts:
NotAChristmasCakePop · 21/12/2017 07:44

Hope you got some sleep and that today looks a bit brighter. It's the solstice - a time for change Smile

wtffgs · 21/12/2017 07:53

An overweight, nose-picking farter, you say?

Form an orderly queue ladies!!! Grin

Seriously, please do have a good Christmas without this wankbadger baggage WineXmas Smile

fairydustandpixies · 21/12/2017 15:57

wtffgs - honestly, it's a good job my pelvic floor is still in good health, that's hilarious!
Thank you ChristmasCake.
Still NC and feeling strong. People keep saying not to worry and he'll be back when I'm out of hospital and my other issues have been sorted out. Erm...hello??!! I'd never take him back then! I want a man, not a coward.
In other news, I was given the most beautiful present I've ever had in my life today from a client. A star named after me. I'm not ashamed to say that I sobbed and reduced him to tears too because I was so overwhelmed hehe!

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 21/12/2017 16:07

Well done you for getting rid, he sounds dreadful. Don’t worry about the wobble, you can use the memory of how you felt after to stop you doing it again! Have a great Christmas and good luck with the operation!

Dozer · 21/12/2017 16:21

That’s a lovely gift, a star! Well, you deserve it.

Your parents would feel differently about your ex if they knew how he had treated you.

NotAChristmasCakePop · 21/12/2017 17:22

My parents were appalled that I wanted a divorce (mainly because I hid how bad things were and partly because I didn't know the half of it till after I ended things) but they see him for what he is now.

Keep posting here to let out your feelings and keep us updated on your health in the new year.

fairydustandpixies · 21/12/2017 17:58

Thank you ChristmasCake xx

OP posts:
fairydustandpixies · 21/12/2017 17:59

Sorry, just read the posts above.

Thank you. All of you. You're amazing and so, so supportive xx

OP posts:
NotAChristmasCakePop · 22/12/2017 16:19

Just checking in to see how you are. Hope you can do a few nice things over the next few days to look after yourself.

fairydustandpixies · 23/12/2017 20:34

Thank you ChristmasCake. I'm ashamed and just don't bloody learn. NC starts again!!
He bleated down the phone last night how he'd bought me a ring in the summer, he'd apparently asked my parents and my boys (I'm 46 ffs!!!!!!), apparently yes he did. They've all confirmed that.
Please excuse my language but to repeat what I said to him earlier, "fuck you, I don't need or want you". On the phone. In person :)
He is no more.
Let him spend another seven years on PoF trying to get a date x

OP posts:
StormTreader · 23/12/2017 20:41

What a loser he is, to be complaining to your son about you! What did he think would happen "oh, my son explained to me that it was all me being wrong and how I don't know my own mind so now I want to get back together please", haha nope!

annielouise · 23/12/2017 20:42

I hope you stick to your guns. He's manipulative and controlling. Ask yourself how you could get back with someone that prevents you seeing a friend when he's seeing friends of the opposite sex. Why is it one sauce for the goose, another for the gander? Don't chase him but be prepared that when he realises you're not that he'll chase you. He won't express honest regret though about how he's behaved but it'll be more of the same - "I bought you a ring and was going to ask you to marry me, aren't I wonderful, you don't deserve me etc". A new year is starting soon. Time for a fresh start.

annielouise · 23/12/2017 20:44

And if he really thinks you're a cheat and a liar, why would he want to get back with you? How low is his self-esteem for him to want to be with a cheat? Either way you're well shot of him.

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