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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hating MIL for no good reason...am I crazy?

59 replies

Microwaved111 · 17/12/2017 15:13

I need a good shaking or something to snap out of this because there is really no need. I can't seem to control myself and im ashamed and embarrassed by it.

I have an uncontrollable hate for MIL. I really can't stand her.

She hasn't really done anything to me, she's always really nice to me. I just really get filled with rage whenever I'm around her or any of dps family really.

None of them have done anything to me - except for dps gran but that's a whole other thing and I just avoid her now.

Why am I like this?????? It's really immature and I honestly do try my best to be civil bit she just drives me nuts. I am the type of person who find it quite hard to hide my feelings, so if I am happy, sad, upset, angry it will show on my face no matter what.

How can I improve this? I have no relationship with them. I actually think she may be a bit scared of me she doesn't really talk to me probably because of the vibes I'm giving off. How can I change my persona to be more open?

How can I try to make it a better relationship? I really want this mainly for my dd and dp. Also they are the only family close by so I would love to have a good relationship with them!

I must not be the only person like this? Am I awful?

OP posts:

CremeFresh · 17/12/2017 15:16

Can you try and think exactly what it is that you don't like about her ?

Littlelambpeep · 17/12/2017 15:18

Are you sure there is anything sparking it. My mil is lovely but at the start of our marriage he banged on about her all the time. .. Mam this.. Mam that.. Mam cooks like this..

His mother did nothing wrong though. It just irritated me

Gabs55555555 · 17/12/2017 15:23

I could have written the exact same post.

I am really really trying to be nice at the moment, but everything she says seems so irritate me.
I feel bad about it and I'm trying to change!!

Gabs55555555 · 17/12/2017 15:27

I think there is something about keeping her at arms length that makes me calmer. I like je my own space and hate the thought that she would feel comfortable enough to just drop in or something. Because we are not close enough for me to say "sorry I'm busy"

Whereas with my own family I would say "you should have called we're busy"

twattymctwatterson · 17/12/2017 15:40

Be honest, are you possessive with your DH? Do you feel jealous that another person is close to him?

Christmascardqueen · 17/12/2017 15:51

It’s because you’re insecure. Worried he will pick his mother over you.

butterfly56 · 17/12/2017 15:51

It sounds like you are projecting all your anger and have chosen someone who you see as weak and is in no real position to challenge you about your behaviour for fear of upsetting her son or you.

It is very sad that you are actually making your MIL walk on eggshells around you for no other reason than you have decided to make her a target.

You need to look at and question why or what is really making you angry in your own life and there is only you who will either change the way you behave or you won't...it's up to you.

Original poster

Microwaved111 · 17/12/2017 15:55

Twatty- my dp isn't close to his mum.

I think I really started to get irrited after dd was born. I had a terrible birth and was in hospital for a while after as I was very ill. They came over to visit everyday and wanted me to pick up dd and bring her over to them while they sat down, I had a serious infection and had an iv in so had to get up pick up dd and then bring my iv with me to pass her to them! The midwife ended up telling them that the visits were exhausting me and to back off. Which they didn't at all. Same when we got out of hospital. They were there straight away asking for cups of tea ect. Not one of them asked me if I was okay or how I was feeling. They just seemed to completely disregard the part I played in the creation and arrival of dd. "Oh dp you must be exhausted being woken in the night and still going to work" never mind me here struggling with non stop breastfeeding and still feeling pretty poorly after having a 3 day long birth and a very serious infection.

I guess that started it all. Now everything she says and does makes my blood boil. Even though they aren't directly nasty to me at all they just don't consider me at all, they only care about dp and dd. Like only visiting when dp is here and not even checking in on me when dp went away for work for 1 month when dd was a newborn.

OP posts:

Original poster

Microwaved111 · 17/12/2017 15:58

Butterly- yes I know, what I'm asking for is how to change how I behave? How can i get over my anger and try to become a member of the family? I know it's up to me and I've decided to try to change I just need some guidance how.

OP posts:

Finola1step · 17/12/2017 16:00

So your feelings towards your MIL aren't exactly groundless. What about your FIL?

Fwend · 17/12/2017 16:01

But you have got good reason to not like them. They behaved very poorly towards you.

Question is, how do you want this to go?

PositivelyPERF · 17/12/2017 16:03

Fuck that! No wonder you can't stand being around them. They behaved like assholes and don't seem to have improved over time.

Ropsleybunny · 17/12/2017 16:04

Grow up and stop being so self-centred. Life is not all about you.

PaintingByNumbers · 17/12/2017 16:05

So you dont like her because she doesnt value you and is not especially nice. Meh. Just let dh get on with visiting every once in a while. You sound like you are trying.to make your relationship fit a picture in your head of how it should be. Easier to just accept reality.

Original poster

Microwaved111 · 17/12/2017 16:05

Fil doesn't really to me directly. He's a very awkward man but he has no harm in him at all and does very nice things for me - just doesn't speak to me. But I can see that he shows things in other ways than talking and I'm fine with that.

I want to have a better relationship with dps family. I want to be able to enjoy time with them seeing as we see them alot due to living closer to us. I want dd to have a great relationship with them too I don't ever want to ruin that.

I need ways of helping myself to let go of my anger and just relax around her. I feel very much like I'm not myself at all because I'm always so wound up!

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 17/12/2017 16:06

I think you've outlined the reason you don't like her in your last post.

They were all about themselves when you went through a difficult birth.

It's in your subconscious...but you don't want to say that's the reason why in case you sound petty.

My DD is nearly 18 and I can clearly remember things my DH did when she was a baby... that annoyed me terribly. You don't forget those things.

I'm sure your own parents wouldn't have expected teas and coffees when you were in that state...and talking about him being tired after what you went through is bloody annoying too.

So....there is a reason you dislike her.

Even though my Dsis MIL is okay now.... she pissed sis off when she had her DD by saying how she was back in her jeans right away after each birth.

Or her FIL saying not to breastfeed for to long or het DH would feel neglected.

She (Dsis) hasn't forgotten any of this a quarter of a century later and her PILS irritate het to an extent.

PaintingByNumbers · 17/12/2017 16:07

If you do want to change, imagine being a really submissive wifey, run round after them, cups of tea etc, and learn to love the ignoring and taking for granted part that they will reciprocate with. It shows how much they care that they treat you with disdain etc etc and.your place is at the bottom etc etc. A masochistic thrill.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 17/12/2017 16:13

Find reasons to be busy so that you only need to see them some of the time but make sure dh and dd see them often, then you can just be sweetness and light on the 1 in 3/ 1 in 4/ three times a year etc. occasions when you do see them. Is dh aware of how you feel? If they don't particularly acknowledge you then they probably won't miss you and when you do see them go on about how special it is to go for coffee and shopping in peace for dd and dh to spend time with them. Make it sound as if it is for their benefit not yours.

spunkymom22 · 17/12/2017 16:15

Could you make a game of MIL Bingo? Each time she asks you for something, you give yourself a point? Make a list of the things she says/does that irritate you, and see how many points you get? If it's a game, maybe it irritates less?
Give yourself some credit, though; she does not sound nice to me!

FizzyGreenWater · 17/12/2017 16:21

She hasn't really done anything to me, she's always really nice to me.

Err, no. She has behaved like a total arse to you and still is. Overbearing and grabby with baby with no thought for you. Of course your blood boils - she has no right to think herself a central part of YOUR family and get to ignore and dismiss you at the same time.

Your reaction is you basically thinking 'either treat me with respect in my own home with my own family or get the fuck out of my house!'

and you would be exactly right in thinking it.

Note I've twice used the term YOUR family, not his family... because that's the important thing. This isn't about you joining her family, though it would be nice if she were to make it clear that she saw you as a part of it.

No - this is about YOUR family. You're talking about incidents where PIL have elbowed their way into YOUR nuclear family at very intense, personal times, and stomped all over the Mum of that family. You shouldn't be the only one angry - your DH should be too. I would hope you could talk to him about this and that he would listen - to tell him how she makes you feel, how you can't forget how she acted. That would be a first step.

The next step is starting to build good boundaries. One of the reasons you feel so furious with her is that currently, she gets to do what she wants - sees your family as basically something she just has rights to and can swan in, ignore you and expect to be awarded time with your family and with your child. Well - she can't! Start stepping back. Start saying no to visits when they don't suit. Tell your DH that you don't like the way you get marginalised and it needs to change.

Rockandrollwithit · 17/12/2017 16:24

My MIL is genuinely a nice lady.

DS1 was her first grandchild and she was a bit too excited. PILs turned up one day unannounced - I was sprawled on the sofa cuddling a sleeping DS and generally feeling like shit as I had a traumatic birth. She came straight in and lifted DS off me without asking or saying hello 😡😡

She's been absolutely fine ever since but I am stil irrationally annoyed about it.

Oly5 · 17/12/2017 16:28

Oh come on people, you can forgive grandparents for only doting on their granddaughter and forgetting about the mum a bit can’t you?
I agree you need to stop thinking it’s all about you and try to be nicer/kinder/forgiving of their foibles. I’m sure you have a few of your own. Even if
You have to fake it it is worth it for your dd to have a lovely relationship with her grandparents

Original poster

Microwaved111 · 17/12/2017 16:31

I suppose I just feel like she really doesn't seem to think i do anything in dd's life at all - when in reality id do literally everything. Like she came over today (prompting this thread) with some weaning bits and bobs for dd. She gave them to dp and was asking dp if that was okay and would he use them...he doesn't feed dd - I do. So I said yes we are starting veg first so that all looks good. And she literally ignored me completely

OP posts:

Oly5 · 17/12/2017 16:32

But if she’s used to you being cold and a bit hostile toward her, she’s obviously more likely to talk to her son?
I think you need to wipe the slate clean here, try to chat to her, be nicer... and hopefully she will warm up more too

butterfly56 · 17/12/2017 16:34

I apologise OP as my my answer was with regard to your first post.

You have had a really very rough time of it and instead of getting support you have been given more stress so I can understand your feelings now that you have explained this in your update.

tbh they seem as though they are not the most helpful and supportive PILs.

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