Hating MIL for no good reason...am I crazy?

[Microwaved111]

I need a good shaking or something to snap out of this because there is really no need. I can't seem to control myself and im ashamed and embarrassed by it.

I have an uncontrollable hate for MIL. I really can't stand her.

She hasn't really done anything to me, she's always really nice to me. I just really get filled with rage whenever I'm around her or any of dps family really.

None of them have done anything to me - except for dps gran but that's a whole other thing and I just avoid her now.

Why am I like this?????? It's really immature and I honestly do try my best to be civil bit she just drives me nuts. I am the type of person who find it quite hard to hide my feelings, so if I am happy, sad, upset, angry it will show on my face no matter what.

How can I improve this? I have no relationship with them. I actually think she may be a bit scared of me she doesn't really talk to me probably because of the vibes I'm giving off. How can I change my persona to be more open?

How can I try to make it a better relationship? I really want this mainly for my dd and dp. Also they are the only family close by so I would love to have a good relationship with them!

I must not be the only person like this? Am I awful?

I was very ill. They came over to visit everyday and wanted me to pick up dd and bring her over to them while they sat down, I had a serious infection and had an iv in so had to get up pick up dd and then bring my iv with me to pass her to them! The midwife ended up telling them that the visits were exhausting me and to back off. Which they didn't at all. Same when we got out of hospital. They were there straight away asking for cups of tea ect.

Where was your DP while this was going on? He should have told them to reduce or stop visiting.

I think with situations like this...sometimes the anger is with myself.... because I didn't speak up at the time ... I've been annoyed with myself for not having put my foot down and damn the consequences.

Look up the behaviour known as projection because that is what you are doing to your MIL. Its a form of bullying behaviour if left to its own devices but you do appear to be aware of that, which is really positive.
There's a strong undercurrent culturally in our society that doesn't confront one of the last bastions of deep seated discrimination: MIL's.
You fear her which is why you demonise her. Its exactly the same mindset that fears and demonises people because of their race, colour or creed. You judge and you find her wanting. You hate, because you don't know any better.
You need to be a bigger, smarter and better person OP.
Confront your fears and insecurities, recognise that you're projecting them on someone you know won't retaliate.
Try and move past this phase and grow and learn from it.
If you can't be kind to people, at least try and be civilised.

I think with situations like this...sometimes the anger is with myself.... because I didn't speak up at the time ... I've been annoyed with myself for not having put my foot down and damn the consequences.

^^ Agree with SandyY2K

No wonder your displeasure and rage and irritation is 'coming across to MIL' - she's repeatedly making effort to show how much her son is WAYYYY more important than you, shoving it in your face, treating you like a lower class citizen. Christ, anyone would be raging!!

With the weaning bits and bobs, why couldn't you have said "Er, actually MIL, you'd be better discussing it with me since I'm the one who does all the feeding, all the food prep and introduces all the next steps such as weaning, not DH" and then speak to DH about this all separately. He needs to see she's being an overbearing interfering cow lording it over you by deliberately excluding you, little digs and asking unacceptable things of you when you're ill show utter disrespect for you as a person, or as the mother of your child.

I say, let it out, at the time, but without controlled but VERY clear message that it's not acceptable. She asks you to make a cup of tea for her when you've been up all night with a child with croup (example) you say, er no MIL, actually I think you should be making it don't you, I've been awake all night with dear child.

Ok, your last post - look, she's a complete cow.

Talk to your DH and tell him, enough's enough.

He talks to her and puts her right or she can stay the fuck away until she can grow up and stop trying to pretend that her darling son has a darling baby that appeared in a flash of light with no nasty non-family mummy involved at all :)

Tell your DH you have had it with this - she either engages with YOU as DD's mum and the other half of her parents or she is no longer welcome. Nobody slights you in your home. And nobody who shows that she has absolutely no regard for you and can't even be polite gets time with your child.

The in laws relationship can me hard because oftentimes if they behave badly like the OP has described you have to put up with them still being in your lives for your dh and to keep the peace. If I had a choice whether to ever see my in laws again I wouldn't. They were similarly awful in the early baby days.

What fizzygreenwater wrote earlier. You are angry with your MIL for very good reason.

I have had very similar treatment in the past from my own mother in law and I have not tolerated it particularly in more recent years when I have found my voice. Sod keeping the peace; such a woman like his mother knows she is behaving poorly and she does not care for you at all. Appeasement makes you feel worse in the long run and is giving a green light to more rubbish behaviour.

Your H is key here; he needs to stand up for you as his wife. My guess is that he cannot readily do so because he thinks that her behaviour is normal; after all this from her is what he has grown up with.

BTW you are not projecting either. Its not your fault too that his mother is like this, you and your DH did not make her this way.

You can forgive grandparents for only doting on their granddaughter and forgetting about the mum a bit can’t you?

What? No! Was that meant to be sarcasm?

OP your MIL is treating you like a vessel that carried their DGD and can now be discarded. It’s rude as fuck, and I’d be letting DH organise visits in his own from now on.

Oh OP you poor thing. You can't win heart and minds with being nice and kind here. She's a bit of a cunt. You need your DP to call her on it.

Ignoring you. Fuck that. Not in my house.

Fizzy is right. Maybe having to tackle all of this is rather daunting (because inevitably feather's are going to be ruffled and maybe you're not sure whether DH will be up for putting her straight or not?). I guess it comes down to two, maybe three options.

1. You become 100% at peace with being treated like shit, don't react to it ever, just to keep the peace
2. You go all out and insist that DH sticks up for you and how you are treated tells her where to stick it
3. You go for a middle of the road choice of just sticking up for yourself without involving DH.

First one - unsustainable, you'll crack at some point and why should you be treated like this.
Second, ideal at the end of the day, yes, there's bound to be ructions, but do you really want to be having to rebuff her on family holidays that she will insist she needs to come on or giving your child foods to eat that you've said no to (think for any of the numerous things she's going to butt heads over you with that can only be resolved if you and DH present a truly united front)
Third, might work for a bit but you will, over time (I'd imagine) come to resent DH for not sticking up for you and you repeatedly fight your enemy entirely on your own. You may get overridden on decisions that are important to you because DH refuses to speak to MIL and state that he supports you and she needs to back off.

That's kind of how I see it and wonder if the prospect of talking to DH and having that difficult conversation with him is because you're not sure that he'll see the problem, be able to envisage how awful a future that could, or that he'll actually give you the support that you want - is it any of that that's been causing you to not even stick up for yourself so far OP?

I've kind of touched on the subject with dp, tested the water a bit. He is a people pleaser and really hates any form of confrontation. He would never ever say anything to his family about the treatment of me because he would be terrified of upsetting them.

Plus he isn't close to his family at All - would prefèr things Justus three most of the time and so he doesn't see it a problem

Well - the answer to that is that it IS a problem.

It is a problem for his family, because the situation is making a very key member of his nuclear family sad and angry.

It is also a problem because actually it's pretty bad for your DD. It isn't healthy for her to grow up seeing her own Mum undermined, to be exposed to this kind of subtle dysfunction and toxicity. You need to tell him that too. It's really damaging. It will get worse too when DD isn't a baby any more, and MIL has her own relationship with her. Believe me - I know. I had a granny like this - actually my mum's mum. Years of subtle and no-so-subtle 'digs' at my mum while I was with my granny left their mark, let me tell you. Hugely damaging. By the time I was old enough to realise that my granny was a nasty insecure bitch, yes my relationship with my mum - and my nuclear family overall - had been affected, no doubt. Don't let that be you. Don't let this go until your DD is 5 and you realise lovely granny is pouring poison into her ears.

So back to your DH - ignoring it isn't an option - unless of course the 'hating confrontation' thing applies to everyone except you, and he is quite happy with the thought of you being angry and miserable but appalled and quaking at the thought that MIL could be made to feel the same way?

Tell him it's no longer going to be ok. Because you are not a doormat. You are especially not prepared to feel shit so that a. MIL gets to act exactly as she sees fit and b. he gets to not have to confront anyone.

If he's not bothered about them, then it's quite possibly easy. Tell him that you don't want to be around them. More than that, you don't want them around DD. His family, he drops the contact gradually. If he doesn't, you'll tell them straight.

If he has a problem with this - then I would tell him straight that he needs to do some serious thinking, because if avoiding a row with some people he isn't even too fussed about is worth undermining his marriage for, then you'll be considering whether you want to stay in a partnership where you clearly come second in HIS eyes too, not just his mother's.

Your dh doesnt seem to want a close relationship with them, so take your cue from him. This isnt going to be happy families happy ever after etc etc.

But she comes over to the house most weekends to see dd so what should I do then? Even if he doesn't want a close relationship with her he still says yes everytime she asks to come over so I'm put in the position all the time

Back to your dh I guess, ultimatum time about how she behaves?
Personally i'd let her come over and just pretty much ignore her, or go out with your dd so she can spend quality time with her son, but I am crap at confrontation. What I wouldnt be doing is trying to be nicer to her, theres no point.

He needs to say ' I'll bring dd over ' and you go for a swim, coffee etc break for yourself

Sorry...but why on earth does she feel the need to bring you weaning stuff... you are fully capable of that...if be irritated.

If have been tempted to say....you'd better speak to me about weaning. I'm the one who feeds DD.

Have you ever thought of going out when she visits? Before she gets there obviously.

Go to a friend..your family etc.

Does she come every weekend?

Even if he doesn't want a close relationship with her he still says yes everytime she asks to come over

You tell him he needs to say no.

He won't?

Then you gather up DD and your things and you go out. He can entertain her himself. And when she asks, tell him he can say that you don't like being ignored when she comes round, so you'd rather avoid it. Oh, and by the way, that means DD is out too - because you're her mum and you kind of come (and go) as a package.

Or, of course, you tell him that if he won't speak to her then you will - and you'll be telling her to get some manners or YOU won't let DD be influenced by her.

Every week! Fuck that!

Make plans in advance and go out. Either with DD if you want (in fact as a whole family would be best of all), or on your own if you feel like you would like a bit of time to yourself (I would quite like a few hours to go to the gym and to read my book in a coffee shop from time to time, but not every weekend). Tell DH why you are going out, he can explain it to his DM however he likes.

Very much agree with @AttilaTheMeerkat and with @FizzyGreenWater saying just go out. Your DP really needs to act here OP. I know some people don't like confrontation so maybe he won't "have it out" with her about how she behaves towards you BUT saying sorry mum we're busy this weekend is not confrontation. Neither is saying "it's OP who mostly feeds DD you're best showing this stuff to her" or in any similar situation just referring her to you, I don't understand why he isn't doing this already, it kind of makes him party to it all.

My mil was a bit like this when Mine were wee Now they are 10&12 she isn't quite as annoying. It started to improve once they went to nursery school and spoke there own minds more.

We get by pretty ok now tho won't ever be bosom buddies.

It isn't just your DP who is afraid of confrontation, is it? You got out of bed in the hospital to carry DD to her! Not just once when you were taken by surprise but day after day. Saying "no" wouldn't have been a big confrontation at all but you damaged yourself repeatedly rather than give an entirely reasonable no.

Maybe you are angry with yourself for not standing up to her then and now. Every time she ignores and belittles you it rightly makes you angry but then that is amplified by the anger of failing to defend yourself and further amplified by the anger of DH not protecting you.

If DH is motivated by avoiding confrontation then make him more worried about your reaction if MIL comes round than he is of MIL's reaction to being told no.

You dont like your mil as she does even know you exist.
Why do you want to further a relationship with a woman who does not respect your role as dgc's mother.
Make plans for the weekend and start saying no to her. There is no need to continually available to someone who won't even acnoledge you exists.