Opinions gratefully received...

[confuzzledman]

Hi. I've been with my girlfriend for just over 9 months. I love her very much and everything is mostly very good. It's been a stressful year and sometimes we argue and to be honest, we both blow it out of proportion.

Anyway, this week, out of the blue, I get a completely random message from one of the mum's at my children's school.

Although I felt it was weird, I didn't want to cause any awkwardness so was what I thought was friendly in response. It started at night when my gf was with me. I didn't mention it at the time as I wasn't sure what to think. The 2nd day when my gf came around, I pointed out to this woman that I was with my gf. I also told me gf about the messages at this time, but didn't show her them..

The other woman then tried to "drunk call" me twice that night which lead to an argument between my girlfriend and I. She thinks I lead the woman on. While I thought the messages were odd, I don't think I lead her on really, and made it clear I had a gf, which didn't stop her.

The messages are below (sorry I couldn't attach them any other way). Names have been changed and emojis don't appear properly, but other than that, this is the entire conversation over both days.

My gf has actually left me over this. Is that a fair reaction? Be brutally honest...

15/12/2017, 22:19 - Other Person: Hi
15/12/2017, 22:20 - Other Person: Sorry! wrong message.
15/12/2017, 22:21 - Me: Haha. I do that all the time...
15/12/2017, 22:21 - Other Person: I should say wrong person! Sorry
15/12/2017, 22:24 - Other Person: Sorry I didnt mean to message you. How are yoi doing anyway?
15/12/2017, 22:26 - Me: All good ta
15/12/2017, 22:26 - Me: Happy that it's nearly the hols
15/12/2017, 22:26 - Me: You guys ok?
15/12/2017, 22:30 - Other Person: Yeah we are too! what are your plans for the holidays?
15/12/2017, 22:47 - Other Person: I am so sorry!! It was a druken message! Hope we are ok?
15/12/2017, 23:26 - Me: Drunken messages are the best types
15/12/2017, 23:26 - Me: I'm rather sober
15/12/2017, 23:27 - Me: So off to bed now.

16/12/2017, 18:39 - Me: Hey. You seemed quite worried yesterday. Relax. We all send the odd message in the wrong chat after a few lambrinis
16/12/2017, 18:41 - Other Person: Haha Yes we do! But again very sorry about that
16/12/2017, 18:42 - Me: It's really not a problem
16/12/2017, 18:46 - Other Person: Still I think I should stay away from phones when drunk
16/12/2017, 18:46 - Me: Shouldn't we all
16/12/2017, 18:48 - Other Person: True!
16/12/2017, 18:48 - Me: Kids excited for Christmas?
16/12/2017, 18:51 - Other Person: Yes they are! Not sure who is most excited though, just finished most of the wrapping so can relax a bit now. Yours?
16/12/2017, 18:51 - Me: I'm a bloke. I've hardly done any shopping. Yeah, the kids are with Mum for Christmas day this year. I'll get them when they break up for a couple of days, and then on 27th for a week.
16/12/2017, 18:52 - Me: so late Christmas for me this year
16/12/2017, 18:55 - Other Person: You should definitely start soon then.Ahhh that will be nice though, a week with them. I have the kids Christmas day, then they will be with their dad for 2 days on the 26th, I dont think I could handle them being away any longer.
16/12/2017, 18:56 - Other Person: I have to say, (son) was amazing in the school play. So good!
16/12/2017, 18:57 - Me: He was absolutely hilarios
16/12/2017, 18:57 - Me: hilarious
16/12/2017, 18:57 - Me: I have no idea what the eyes/silly faces were about
16/12/2017, 18:58 - Me: He's in his own little world most of the time. It seems like a nice world though so it's all good
16/12/2017, 19:00 - Other Person: he's a lovely kid! He really comes out of himself in all the school plays. A natural performer I think
16/12/2017, 19:00 - Me: He's a charmer
16/12/2017, 19:00 - Me: Always surrounded by the girls
16/12/2017, 19:02 - Me: He and (daughter) are so different. But she's had a much harder time over the last couple of years since Mum and I split.
16/12/2017, 19:03 - Other Person: He really is, (daughter) thinks he's great. I think they are a lot alike, come across all shy and sweet, but absolute loonies
16/12/2017, 19:04 - Other Person: Awww its always hard for kids when parents split, I only realised that you weren't together a few days ago, I always thought you were
16/12/2017, 19:05 - Me: ?
16/12/2017, 19:05 - Me: Really?
16/12/2017, 19:05 - Me: I thought is was quite a public split
16/12/2017, 19:07 - Other Person: No I had no idea. You were together at the start when they started reception?
16/12/2017, 19:08 - Me: No. I just thought that
16/12/2017, 19:08 - Me: Lots of the parents have kids in (daughter’s) year and (son’s) year
16/12/2017, 19:09 - Me: Well, it's fair to say it was a random couple of years or so
16/12/2017, 19:09 - Me: I'm always pleasantly surprised when I learn some people haven't heard a load of random shit about me though.
16/12/2017, 19:10 - Me: We separated in 2015
16/12/2017, 19:10 - Other Person: Oh ok, I'm completely oblivious to what the mums and dads are up to, prefer it that way! Ahhh really, now I'm interested
16/12/2017, 19:10 - Me: Haha
16/12/2017, 19:10 - Me: trust me
16/12/2017, 19:10 - Me: it's a story
16/12/2017, 19:11 - Me: but I'm very biased
16/12/2017, 19:11 - Me: so try not to tell it
16/12/2017, 19:11 - Me: If I stick to the absolute, non-deniable facts...
16/12/2017, 19:11 - Other Person: Ok enough said, I wont ask!
16/12/2017, 19:11 - Me: Nah, it doesn't bother me, I just don't want to throw mud at the children's mother
16/12/2017, 19:12 - Me: it's been a soap opera.
16/12/2017, 19:12 - Me: If I stick to absolute facts and nothing that can be debatable...
16/12/2017, 19:15 - Me: Aug 2015 separated. Nov 2015 I was arrested for "stalking". Aug 2016 found unanimously not guilty of stalking in crown court. Police didn't provide phone records I'd requested until the 2nd day of hearing (similar to what is in the news at the moment with that guy who was accused of rape). Sep 2016 started family court proceedings against Mum because I hardly saw the kids during the holidays. Feb 2017 had op to remove bowel cancer. April 2017, final family court hearing - got shared care and now have them 5 nights every 2 weeks during term time and half of all holidays.
16/12/2017, 19:15 - Me: I should write a book 😊
16/12/2017, 19:15 - Me: 😊
16/12/2017, 19:18 - Other Person: Oh wow! I'm really sorry to hear that and I thought me and their dad had an awkward relationship! 😕 You probably should 😉 xx
16/12/2017, 19:18 - Me: Haha
16/12/2017, 19:18 - Me: it's ok
16/12/2017, 19:19 - Me: Probably just a misunderstanding between Mum and I 🙂
16/12/2017, 19:19 - Me: I don't hold a grudge and I'm not bitter. As long as the kids are happy (which they are a lot since the family court) then it's all good.
16/12/2017, 19:19 - Me: I've learned a lot.
16/12/2017, 19:19 - Me: And life is awesome now
16/12/2017, 19:20 - Other Person: Well thats it, the kids are above anything else the most important thing ☺
16/12/2017, 19:20 - Me: They really are
16/12/2017, 19:21 - Me: On which note, I'm off to wrap the small amount of their presents I actually do have
16/12/2017, 19:21 - Me: Enjoy Saturday. Try not to drink too much and randomly message people 😉
16/12/2017, 19:22 - Other Person: 😊 Ok have a good evening and a great Christmas. Will see you at school! 😂 I'll try not to 😜
16/12/2017, 20:19 - Other Person: Hows that wrapping going? I am bored shitless, no kids and way to much lambrini
16/12/2017, 20:20 - Other Person: That sounded wrong on so many levels! Didnt mean anything by that lol
16/12/2017, 20:22 - Me: Haven't wrapped anything and girlfriend has as arrived now. Guess it will wait until tomorrow.
16/12/2017, 20:25 - Other Person: Ahhh ok fab! Have a great evening ☺
16/12/2017, 20:33 - Me: Aye. You too. Enjoy the rest of the weekend.
16/12/2017, 20:42 - Other Person: xx
16/12/2017, 22:05 - Other Person: Do you and your girlfriend?
16/12/2017, 22:07 - Other Person: Ekkk so sorry! I meant 'you and your girlfriend' lol. Im drubk texting
16/12/2017, 22:13 - Other Person: Missed voice call
16/12/2017, 22:14 - Other Person: drunk phoning
16/12/2017, 22:50 - Other Person: Missed voice call

[Charley50]

And why were you telling her the dates when you did / didn't have your kids over Xmas? What's that about?

[Nelly5678]

The only thing in what u said I can think of is when u said drunk texting/calls are the best type and u didn't mention her more. Plus she then sent you kisses and you spoke a lot

[slothface]

Going against the grain I don't think you did anything wrong. I find the belief on here that you shouldn't share personal info with other people when you're in a relationship odd, it's not like you were bitching about your GF! I talk to my friends of the opposite sex about whatever I please including very personal stuff if I want to, don't see the issue.

Assuming you already know "other person" to a degree from the school gates so it's not like it's a complete randomer. Nothing wrong with striking up a conversation and I'd have no issue with a partner of mine having this conversation with a female acquaintance, just as I wouldn't expect them to police my personal exchanges with men. But I am a very open person and have no issue sharing personal stuff with people I don't know very well so maybe that's just me. I think she's completely overreacting though

[slothface]

But having said that I think it does seem like Other Person fancies you

[Sn0tnose]

How different would your conversation have been if one of the other dads had 'accidentally' texted you? Would you have contacted them again the next morning? Or discussed your previous marriage with them?

I think that you've guessed that this mum fancies you and, despite not finding her attractive, you've used her to boost your own ego and you're now upset because your gf has seen through you, has decided that you're a bit of a dick and has knocked you on the head.

I think that the mum knew exactly who she was texting and that it wasn't drunken or a mistake at all. I think that you were being more than a little disingenuous when she said she hadn't realised that your marriage had broken down and you failed to make any mention whatsoever of your gf. I think you giving her a timeline of events is just plain weird. I think texting the mum the following day was just a way to continue the conversation. And I think it's completely understandable why your gf had the hump with you.

If you were so totally convinced it was all innocent, and you weren't expecting even the slightest bit of flirting, then why didn't you answer her first call? Or text her to say that it was too late to chat unless it was a school emergency but you'd see her along with all the other mums in the school playground?

[Chippyway]

I think your girlfriend, along with many other posters, has massively over reacted

It’s a bloody conversation! You ARE allowed to chat to other women without it meaning anything

It’s not like you lied about not having a girlfriend.

[Doublevodka]

Sorry but I think your gf is right to be upset. It does seem a little inappropriate that you would share so much personal info. Someone asked earlier if you would have done so if it was a text from a dad and I think that's a good question. Would you be ok about your gf having so many texts from a male she knew from the school gates?

[Queenofthedrivensnow]

You massively invited contact.

[debbs77]

By the way OP, she totally knew who she was texting when she 'accidentally' messaged you.

[Grunkle]

Haha oh OP you were LOVING the attention. I cringed when you messaged back on 16th... Such transparent thirst... Lol!

Your gf knows exactly what's up and so do you...

[Megabeth]

The message you sent the morning after was unnecessary, if you thought she was embarrassed at drunk texting you should have just left it alone.
You also shared TMI, if your split has be acrimonious it’s best to not have the details spread around the playground.

[slothface]

All these people who think sharing personal information with people who aren't your partner is inappropriate, why is that? Do you think once you've got a partner they should be the only person you open up to? Some people are just naturally very open and don't feel uncomfortable or guarded about stuff like that

[hollowtree]

Hmmm... I dunno. My DH wouldn't do this but if he did I'd be pissed, it's not like she's a friend she's just a random who has contacted you on purpose for your attention which you gave her. No I don't think I'd like it

[Doobigetta]

I would only keep a text conversation going for that long if I was interested in someone and trying to reel them in. If it was someone I was vaguely friendly with, I'd get bored of fannying about with texts, let the conversation peter out and not reinitiate it. If it was a proper friend, I'd get bored of fannying about with texts and arrange to actually meet up and have a real conversation. I'm not surprised your girlfriend was unimpressed. If you carried on in this vein it would progress into an emotional affair at least.

[debbs77]

How did she get your number?

[Queenofthedrivensnow]

It is really cringe isn't it

[MISSINDE]

I wouldnt be happy at all with this. Why text her starting a conversation again the next day??

[Thickasmince]

You were really driving this the next day, OP. She was polite enough to at least pretend and say “I won’t ask”, etc. but you were desperate to get it all out there for some reason. There was no need and it is a bit cringe.

[laudanum]

Christ. People are so freaked out over here when folks exchange messages with someone who isn't the same gender. Maybe you shouldn't have shared the info about stalking stuff, but really I don't think you did anything wrong.

Unless someone is sexting or being flirty, it's not that big of a deal. People are allowed to have friends of an opposing gender without being accused of something. I've got tons.

Now she's admitted to having a drink so her inhibitions are lowered, and she knows you have a girlfriend so there's a line in conversation you don't cross over - that is flirty talk or sexting. That's called friendship or making new friends which is totally fine. As an individual, I'd be upset if I found out someone I was involved with was texting or being friendly with someone bigoted, racism, homophobia, transphobia etc, but really, unless someone is exhibiting cheating behaviour, people really need to chill the fuck out. It's 2017, we don't own people.

[laudanum]

God I hate not having an edit feature. I meant to say as well as sexting/flirting, I'd be upset about bigoted stuff too. I'd expect someone I'm involved with not to be mates with anyone hideously racist for example. Folks can have their own beliefs, but i definitely don't wanna find out someone I love is a raging bigot in any manner.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

Yep your GF did right to cut it off now, at best you don’t have a good concept of appropriate boundaries, at worst you court female attention and led her on.

You didn’t mention GF at all the first day, you prolonged and deepened the convo, you restarted it for no reason at all and you encouraged her to drunk text (‘those are the best kind’).

No you haven’t really done anything ‘wrong’ yet but I would get out now if it was early days as the trust will always be difficult.

[EndofSummer]

I also think, from your further posts, that you are much more concerned about being right and proving your GF overreacted, than you are about her feelings. You don’t want to make amends.

[Cricrichan]

I'd dump you too.

You led her on.
You went into massive detail about your ex and could easily have mentioned thegirlfriend towards the beginning without sounding weird. Christmas plans, how the kids get on with her. How you're happy to be with someone like your gf after the trauma with your ex etc etc.
If I'd been interested in you and had messaged you, I would definitely have understood that you were single and available from your messages.

[Animation86]

Oh yes you led her on
You say it’s friendly banter but you’re pushing the boundaries with her in a very subtle way, lapping up the attention.

Either that or you are totally blind but maybe you should look at the way you interact with women-because it may not look to others as you see it

[LoveforPGTipsMonkey]

laudanum I so agree! Maybe OP is just a straight-forward and a bit naive and chatted openly because the woman is friendly, as he says, and he wants to be FRIENDS with some people at school gates where he goes a few times a week. He also said that he wanted his side of the divorce story be heard because the ex spread some untruths to some other mums there.
Yes initiating texts next day was not needed but I feel he didn't do it with some 'agenda' because he actually does not fancy the woman, so thought it was just chat. I do see the GF point of view but only to the extent of wanting a chat about boundaries that are comfortable to her, and I'm sure OP would have respected that, and realised that maybe he's not too clued up socially.
Having said this, OP, it doesn't sound like you are a great match with your GF, she might be a private/more subtle person, and you have no filter (even if not in a negative sense), take people at face value. She may find it annoying while you may feel like you need to check yourself all the time.