Opinions gratefully received...

[confuzzledman]

Hi. I've been with my girlfriend for just over 9 months. I love her very much and everything is mostly very good. It's been a stressful year and sometimes we argue and to be honest, we both blow it out of proportion.

Anyway, this week, out of the blue, I get a completely random message from one of the mum's at my children's school.

Although I felt it was weird, I didn't want to cause any awkwardness so was what I thought was friendly in response. It started at night when my gf was with me. I didn't mention it at the time as I wasn't sure what to think. The 2nd day when my gf came around, I pointed out to this woman that I was with my gf. I also told me gf about the messages at this time, but didn't show her them..

The other woman then tried to "drunk call" me twice that night which lead to an argument between my girlfriend and I. She thinks I lead the woman on. While I thought the messages were odd, I don't think I lead her on really, and made it clear I had a gf, which didn't stop her.

The messages are below (sorry I couldn't attach them any other way). Names have been changed and emojis don't appear properly, but other than that, this is the entire conversation over both days.

My gf has actually left me over this. Is that a fair reaction? Be brutally honest...

15/12/2017, 22:19 - Other Person: Hi
15/12/2017, 22:20 - Other Person: Sorry! wrong message.
15/12/2017, 22:21 - Me: Haha. I do that all the time...
15/12/2017, 22:21 - Other Person: I should say wrong person! Sorry
15/12/2017, 22:24 - Other Person: Sorry I didnt mean to message you. How are yoi doing anyway?
15/12/2017, 22:26 - Me: All good ta
15/12/2017, 22:26 - Me: Happy that it's nearly the hols
15/12/2017, 22:26 - Me: You guys ok?
15/12/2017, 22:30 - Other Person: Yeah we are too! what are your plans for the holidays?
15/12/2017, 22:47 - Other Person: I am so sorry!! It was a druken message! Hope we are ok?
15/12/2017, 23:26 - Me: Drunken messages are the best types
15/12/2017, 23:26 - Me: I'm rather sober
15/12/2017, 23:27 - Me: So off to bed now.

16/12/2017, 18:39 - Me: Hey. You seemed quite worried yesterday. Relax. We all send the odd message in the wrong chat after a few lambrinis
16/12/2017, 18:41 - Other Person: Haha Yes we do! But again very sorry about that
16/12/2017, 18:42 - Me: It's really not a problem
16/12/2017, 18:46 - Other Person: Still I think I should stay away from phones when drunk
16/12/2017, 18:46 - Me: Shouldn't we all
16/12/2017, 18:48 - Other Person: True!
16/12/2017, 18:48 - Me: Kids excited for Christmas?
16/12/2017, 18:51 - Other Person: Yes they are! Not sure who is most excited though, just finished most of the wrapping so can relax a bit now. Yours?
16/12/2017, 18:51 - Me: I'm a bloke. I've hardly done any shopping. Yeah, the kids are with Mum for Christmas day this year. I'll get them when they break up for a couple of days, and then on 27th for a week.
16/12/2017, 18:52 - Me: so late Christmas for me this year
16/12/2017, 18:55 - Other Person: You should definitely start soon then.Ahhh that will be nice though, a week with them. I have the kids Christmas day, then they will be with their dad for 2 days on the 26th, I dont think I could handle them being away any longer.
16/12/2017, 18:56 - Other Person: I have to say, (son) was amazing in the school play. So good!
16/12/2017, 18:57 - Me: He was absolutely hilarios
16/12/2017, 18:57 - Me: hilarious
16/12/2017, 18:57 - Me: I have no idea what the eyes/silly faces were about
16/12/2017, 18:58 - Me: He's in his own little world most of the time. It seems like a nice world though so it's all good
16/12/2017, 19:00 - Other Person: he's a lovely kid! He really comes out of himself in all the school plays. A natural performer I think
16/12/2017, 19:00 - Me: He's a charmer
16/12/2017, 19:00 - Me: Always surrounded by the girls
16/12/2017, 19:02 - Me: He and (daughter) are so different. But she's had a much harder time over the last couple of years since Mum and I split.
16/12/2017, 19:03 - Other Person: He really is, (daughter) thinks he's great. I think they are a lot alike, come across all shy and sweet, but absolute loonies
16/12/2017, 19:04 - Other Person: Awww its always hard for kids when parents split, I only realised that you weren't together a few days ago, I always thought you were
16/12/2017, 19:05 - Me: ?
16/12/2017, 19:05 - Me: Really?
16/12/2017, 19:05 - Me: I thought is was quite a public split
16/12/2017, 19:07 - Other Person: No I had no idea. You were together at the start when they started reception?
16/12/2017, 19:08 - Me: No. I just thought that
16/12/2017, 19:08 - Me: Lots of the parents have kids in (daughter’s) year and (son’s) year
16/12/2017, 19:09 - Me: Well, it's fair to say it was a random couple of years or so
16/12/2017, 19:09 - Me: I'm always pleasantly surprised when I learn some people haven't heard a load of random shit about me though.
16/12/2017, 19:10 - Me: We separated in 2015
16/12/2017, 19:10 - Other Person: Oh ok, I'm completely oblivious to what the mums and dads are up to, prefer it that way! Ahhh really, now I'm interested
16/12/2017, 19:10 - Me: Haha
16/12/2017, 19:10 - Me: trust me
16/12/2017, 19:10 - Me: it's a story
16/12/2017, 19:11 - Me: but I'm very biased
16/12/2017, 19:11 - Me: so try not to tell it
16/12/2017, 19:11 - Me: If I stick to the absolute, non-deniable facts...
16/12/2017, 19:11 - Other Person: Ok enough said, I wont ask!
16/12/2017, 19:11 - Me: Nah, it doesn't bother me, I just don't want to throw mud at the children's mother
16/12/2017, 19:12 - Me: it's been a soap opera.
16/12/2017, 19:12 - Me: If I stick to absolute facts and nothing that can be debatable...
16/12/2017, 19:15 - Me: Aug 2015 separated. Nov 2015 I was arrested for "stalking". Aug 2016 found unanimously not guilty of stalking in crown court. Police didn't provide phone records I'd requested until the 2nd day of hearing (similar to what is in the news at the moment with that guy who was accused of rape). Sep 2016 started family court proceedings against Mum because I hardly saw the kids during the holidays. Feb 2017 had op to remove bowel cancer. April 2017, final family court hearing - got shared care and now have them 5 nights every 2 weeks during term time and half of all holidays.
16/12/2017, 19:15 - Me: I should write a book 😊
16/12/2017, 19:15 - Me: 😊
16/12/2017, 19:18 - Other Person: Oh wow! I'm really sorry to hear that and I thought me and their dad had an awkward relationship! 😕 You probably should 😉 xx
16/12/2017, 19:18 - Me: Haha
16/12/2017, 19:18 - Me: it's ok
16/12/2017, 19:19 - Me: Probably just a misunderstanding between Mum and I 🙂
16/12/2017, 19:19 - Me: I don't hold a grudge and I'm not bitter. As long as the kids are happy (which they are a lot since the family court) then it's all good.
16/12/2017, 19:19 - Me: I've learned a lot.
16/12/2017, 19:19 - Me: And life is awesome now
16/12/2017, 19:20 - Other Person: Well thats it, the kids are above anything else the most important thing ☺
16/12/2017, 19:20 - Me: They really are
16/12/2017, 19:21 - Me: On which note, I'm off to wrap the small amount of their presents I actually do have
16/12/2017, 19:21 - Me: Enjoy Saturday. Try not to drink too much and randomly message people 😉
16/12/2017, 19:22 - Other Person: 😊 Ok have a good evening and a great Christmas. Will see you at school! 😂 I'll try not to 😜
16/12/2017, 20:19 - Other Person: Hows that wrapping going? I am bored shitless, no kids and way to much lambrini
16/12/2017, 20:20 - Other Person: That sounded wrong on so many levels! Didnt mean anything by that lol
16/12/2017, 20:22 - Me: Haven't wrapped anything and girlfriend has as arrived now. Guess it will wait until tomorrow.
16/12/2017, 20:25 - Other Person: Ahhh ok fab! Have a great evening ☺
16/12/2017, 20:33 - Me: Aye. You too. Enjoy the rest of the weekend.
16/12/2017, 20:42 - Other Person: xx
16/12/2017, 22:05 - Other Person: Do you and your girlfriend?
16/12/2017, 22:07 - Other Person: Ekkk so sorry! I meant 'you and your girlfriend' lol. Im drubk texting
16/12/2017, 22:13 - Other Person: Missed voice call
16/12/2017, 22:14 - Other Person: drunk phoning
16/12/2017, 22:50 - Other Person: Missed voice call

[shoeaddict83]

think your GF massively overreacted by dumping you for this.
Also think if you barely know this woman and her texting was a mistake then you should have left it the first day, not instigated further texting on day 2. How did she have your number anyway??

Seems bit of a non-issue really, you could be construed as leading her on a bit, and excessively texting someone you barely know, but GF also needs to accept she cant control who you text and are friends with and you did tell her about these messages.

6 of one and half a dozen of the other tbh....

[slothface]

Jeez. If a woman had been dumped by her bf for sending innocuous texts to a male acquaintance I think we'd all be slamming him as possessive! Do you seriously not expect your partners to engage in anything beyond small talk with people of the opposite sex? Also as Zero said if my texting history with my friends was made public the MN jury would have a field day!

[Myheartbelongsto]

Why did you keep chatting?? You should have just ignored

[ZeroFeedback]

I think I would be in trouble if my texting history was put on MN asking for an opinion over whether my DW should leave me!!

I have female colleagues, employees and customers.

I coach a football team and the majority of parent contacts are the mums. I have text message contact with them and the players (all boys aged 16-17).

The number of drunk texts or texts meant for someone else I get from those groups of people is phenomenal!! I have had kisses at the end of texts from all of them - including the 16 year olds boys.

Some of them have given away aspects of their lives I suspect they would prefer I did not know but that is the nature of things and I often forget about them within 10 minutes.

99% of the time I will send an emoji or something like "Not sure that was meant for me :-)" and a "No worries" if i get a "OMG, so sorry" type response but ...

Some of them have turned into full blown text conversations about .. well, just about anything.

No, I cannot think of any of them as long as this one. No, I never restart a conversation or continue it unless it is a natural part of the flow but ...

This conversation does seem pretty natural to me - especially when you consider that she is a school gate parent and the OP is concerned his ex has been telling her version of events. I can imagine him being quite concerned about what people are saying about him and keen to get his version over - whether you think it is washing his dirty linen or not.

I remember being a father at the school gates and being on the periphery of the groups of mums because they were clearly more comfortable talking to each other.

I get his wanting to form a friendship with one of the mums - even if that starts off with texting. Men often have the same motivations for making friends with people as women do. It is a shame MN cannot accept that.

I agree he was enjoying the attention. Nothing wrong with that per se. As we all tell other posters here: "Just make sure it never crosses a line". Whether his DP should have left because of it - not based on what I have seen unless there is something in the relationship he is not telling.

By the way - thanks for letting me know that all those 20 something employees and 40 something single and married football mums clearly fancy me. I am clearly more attractive and charming than even I thought was possible

[Charley50]

I'm a little over analytical read paranoid but where you said 'leave it till tomorrow' as your GF had arrived, was quite ambiguous; you could have been talking about wrapping presents, or about continuing the conversation.

So I still feel your gf has strong boundaries and did the right thing.

[ALittleBitConfused1]

Coming on here to take the piss out of others responses isnt really helpful or necessary.
I don't think anyone has stated men and women can't be friends or suggested that that the op shouldnt have spoken fo the school mum.
The thing is they aren't friends they are acquaintances. I'm not sure I would split up with someone over this but I wouldn't be happy.

1. people drunk texting a relative stranger is usually a ploy for something else.
   
2. I wouldn't particularly like the amount of personal information shared
   
3. I think the op couldve pointed out sooner he had a gf rather than let the 'drunk single mum's think he was single while telling her his life story.
   FWIW I am not controlling and have no issues with male/female friendships. I have male friends myself and my ex's best friend was female.

[Bananacabana]

I recognise you need to be friendly with people from your DCs school BUT I was surprised how frequently the messages were being sent, how personal they were and how late in the conversation you mentioned you had a girlfriend. There'd been a lot of exchanges before you mentioned her at all. The conversation should have been shut down immediately out of respect to your girlfriend.

[AstridWhite]

You were certainly very chatty. While there's nothing explicitly flirtatious in there you were clearly enjoying chatting to her and actively keeping the conversation going, which seems odd for a random 'accidental' message from someone you don't appear to know very well. If a dad from school sent me that first message I'd have just shut the conversation down and not replied to be honest.

I completely agree with this. Given that she claimed to have heard nothing of the gossip surrounding your split, there wasn't really any need to tell her all that stuff and it does smack of trying to bond with her in some way, though I understand why you might want to get your version across just in case she had heard a bunch of half truths.

She clearly didn't accidentally message you. The whole thing was set up to give her an excuse to start a conversation and you really came up trumps, especially by reigniting the conversation the next morning. It would have been better to nip things in the bud earlier. Your part in it all does look a bit like encouragement, even if there was no dodgy motive on your part.

Your comment 'drunken messages are the best types' is very badly worded and would have been construed as mild flirting by both your GF and the recipient.

It would have been better to say 'never mind, drunken messages are always very entertaining.' or something. Although I don't believe you meant it to sound the way it did, good luck with convincing your GF of that.

[MrsDilber]

Other than you picking up the conversation and being the first to text the next day, when it all seemed done and dusted, it seems harmless.

[Mom2K]

Not appropriate. Even if she mistakenly text you, why did you then initiate the conversation again the next day after it died off?

Maybe if I didn't already have the experience of an unfaithful twit of an ex husband, I wouldn't leave over this (yet). Unfortunately I do have that experience so yeah... I'd probably leave over this too. I wouldn't need much else to decide this.

[laudanum]

Oh hooray finally with some sense LoveForPGTipsMonkey!

Honestly it's almost like we're going backwards with the way folks are so bloody controlling in their relationships. Oh no, someone talked to another man or woman! ALERT THE PRESS.

🙄

[LoveforPGTipsMonkey]

laudanum I so agree! Maybe OP is just a straight-forward and a bit naive and chatted openly because the woman is friendly, as he says, and he wants to be FRIENDS with some people at school gates where he goes a few times a week. He also said that he wanted his side of the divorce story be heard because the ex spread some untruths to some other mums there.
Yes initiating texts next day was not needed but I feel he didn't do it with some 'agenda' because he actually does not fancy the woman, so thought it was just chat. I do see the GF point of view but only to the extent of wanting a chat about boundaries that are comfortable to her, and I'm sure OP would have respected that, and realised that maybe he's not too clued up socially.
Having said this, OP, it doesn't sound like you are a great match with your GF, she might be a private/more subtle person, and you have no filter (even if not in a negative sense), take people at face value. She may find it annoying while you may feel like you need to check yourself all the time.

[Animation86]

Oh yes you led her on
You say it’s friendly banter but you’re pushing the boundaries with her in a very subtle way, lapping up the attention.

Either that or you are totally blind but maybe you should look at the way you interact with women-because it may not look to others as you see it

[Cricrichan]

I'd dump you too.

You led her on.
You went into massive detail about your ex and could easily have mentioned thegirlfriend towards the beginning without sounding weird. Christmas plans, how the kids get on with her. How you're happy to be with someone like your gf after the trauma with your ex etc etc.
If I'd been interested in you and had messaged you, I would definitely have understood that you were single and available from your messages.

[EndofSummer]

I also think, from your further posts, that you are much more concerned about being right and proving your GF overreacted, than you are about her feelings. You don’t want to make amends.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

Yep your GF did right to cut it off now, at best you don’t have a good concept of appropriate boundaries, at worst you court female attention and led her on.

You didn’t mention GF at all the first day, you prolonged and deepened the convo, you restarted it for no reason at all and you encouraged her to drunk text (‘those are the best kind’).

No you haven’t really done anything ‘wrong’ yet but I would get out now if it was early days as the trust will always be difficult.

[laudanum]

God I hate not having an edit feature. I meant to say as well as sexting/flirting, I'd be upset about bigoted stuff too. I'd expect someone I'm involved with not to be mates with anyone hideously racist for example. Folks can have their own beliefs, but i definitely don't wanna find out someone I love is a raging bigot in any manner.

[laudanum]

Christ. People are so freaked out over here when folks exchange messages with someone who isn't the same gender. Maybe you shouldn't have shared the info about stalking stuff, but really I don't think you did anything wrong.

Unless someone is sexting or being flirty, it's not that big of a deal. People are allowed to have friends of an opposing gender without being accused of something. I've got tons.

Now she's admitted to having a drink so her inhibitions are lowered, and she knows you have a girlfriend so there's a line in conversation you don't cross over - that is flirty talk or sexting. That's called friendship or making new friends which is totally fine. As an individual, I'd be upset if I found out someone I was involved with was texting or being friendly with someone bigoted, racism, homophobia, transphobia etc, but really, unless someone is exhibiting cheating behaviour, people really need to chill the fuck out. It's 2017, we don't own people.

[Thickasmince]

You were really driving this the next day, OP. She was polite enough to at least pretend and say “I won’t ask”, etc. but you were desperate to get it all out there for some reason. There was no need and it is a bit cringe.

[MISSINDE]

I wouldnt be happy at all with this. Why text her starting a conversation again the next day??

[Queenofthedrivensnow]

It is really cringe isn't it

[debbs77]

How did she get your number?

[Doobigetta]

I would only keep a text conversation going for that long if I was interested in someone and trying to reel them in. If it was someone I was vaguely friendly with, I'd get bored of fannying about with texts, let the conversation peter out and not reinitiate it. If it was a proper friend, I'd get bored of fannying about with texts and arrange to actually meet up and have a real conversation. I'm not surprised your girlfriend was unimpressed. If you carried on in this vein it would progress into an emotional affair at least.

[hollowtree]

Hmmm... I dunno. My DH wouldn't do this but if he did I'd be pissed, it's not like she's a friend she's just a random who has contacted you on purpose for your attention which you gave her. No I don't think I'd like it

[slothface]

All these people who think sharing personal information with people who aren't your partner is inappropriate, why is that? Do you think once you've got a partner they should be the only person you open up to? Some people are just naturally very open and don't feel uncomfortable or guarded about stuff like that