NON CONTACT - From Day One

[SweetBerries]

Ok long post short, this is my story:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3113063-Betrayed-Not-sure-if-I-m-being-unreasonable?pg=7&order=

This guy lied to me repeatedly over a number of weeks until he met his new GF last week. He had told me he wanted to stay friends and I had been trying because I love him, but I realised after coming here that this was basically to exonerate himself from blame for my current anorexia relapse which was triggered by his behaviour after the break up. He also has never broken up with anyone and not stayed friends with them, so there’s a pattern there.

I spelled out to him that he had treated me badly, that he was no kind of feminist (he’s convinced he is, despite using me for sex and telling me deep lies to get me there) and that all I had ever done was try to support and help him throughout the whole time we’d known each other. I said we wouldn’t speak again. He’s now blocked on every platform.

Hour one was ok. Hour two not so much. Now I’m full of regret and wishing I could take it back and be his friend. Why? No idea. Maybe I feel weak not just being able to accept what he’s done. Maybe I’m worried he’s angry at me and I hate the idea of upsetting anyone really, no matter what they’ve done. I’m tempted to grovel and apologise even though that gives him all the power back and he will inevitably tell me that he doesn’t want to know,

I know lots of you have been through this process, potentially many in similar circumstances. I think I need help to get through this or otherwise I’m going to crumble to a pulp and end up begging him to no avail, which will make me feel even worse.

I’m stronger than this. I must be, I just need to find a way to harness it.

So erm...help?! Xx

So are you Jinglybell. Don’t worry, it took me 5 days from finding out about the GF (only because I knew in my heart he had found someone, because he was different, otherwise he would never have told me!) to actually get the courage to take the last step and block his WhatsApp. For me that was our main source of communication even from the night we met and it seems he’s repeated this pattern with the new girl so it was hard not to just sit and stare at him either being online with her or not online and definitely being with her. I was starting to just torture myself and it was getting weird. So I did it.

You will too. I promise. If I deserve more then you absolutely do. So many people have said this to me over the past few days, but they are exes for a reason. In my case he was a selfish bastard who thought about nothing but himself and how to get what he wanted, whatever the cost. That lead to him leaving ME, but that’s still the reason.

Whatever your reason is, you’ll find it. And it will be enough to push you over the edge. I know he’s with his GF tonight and although it making my stomach churn every now and again, I’m so glad I’m not sat looking at a photo of him on WhatsApp hoping that he thinks of me. Because he isn’t. Because he doesn’t care. And I need to not care.

And whilst we both care right now, in a week’s time it will be easier. It’s already easier for me. The hard part is going it. Believing that you deserve better. And this is the only way to get it. Don’t chide yourself for replying to him - it’s human, you still care. But love yourself enough to know that if you block him and that message never comes, your life will be better. Xx

Also Husky HA! I’m not getting under any man for a loooong time. Gonna just focus on little old me for a while. Maybe in 6 months I’ll go wild and replace the batteries on my...

Sorry TMI

Bleh bleh he’s at a party with GF having fun I’m home alone with Netflix being a total recluse.

I’m just typing this here because otherwise I’m going to end up crumbling. Fact is I will see my friends over the next week so it’s not like I’m actually shut away with nobody. I think it’s just because it’s Day 1. And he doesn’t care.

Even writing it out I feel better. I’ve spent the night drawing up plans for next year. I’m going to try and tutor science for free for a while. For families who can’t afford extra academic input or whatever. If there’s one way I can get past all this, it’s to help other people that have it worse.

And he’s spent his drinking. Forgive me if I sound like I’m getting a superiority complex here because I’m not, but whilst at the start of this message I felt lonely and scared, I now feel like my night was actually better.

This works :)

You can do this. I admire you for doing this now and much quicker than I did with my narcissistic ex. And on top of that you're battling an ED relapse. You're doing amazing.
I am also going NC. The man in question lovebombed me, was so loving and attentive. At the time I was vulnerable, I was going through a separation from my estranged husband, and was dealing with a bulimia relapse. This guy seemed like a gift from heaven. Made out he was divorced and understood what I was going through. After a couple of months we stayed in a hotel for a weekend, and he slipped up and mentioned his 'other half'. Turns out he had been divorced, but failed to tell me he had married again! Every time I tell him to leave me alone, he keeps contacting me. This was two years ago. I haven't slept with him since. He still begs to be friends. I still have strong feelings for him but have refused to be his bit on the side. He won't accept that his behaviour is out of order both to his wife and to me. Been trying to be his friend but it's detrimental to me, making it difficult to move on. if I'd done some basic stalking at the beginning I would have found out he was married. I didn't even check his FB profile even though we were FB friends. I was too trusting. Never again will I be trusting.
I have to go NC. Just wish I'd done that a long time ago. I know he does not deserve anything from me, not even friendship
Perhaps we can encourage each other.

We had a text exchange today. I need to start NC as of right now.

Solly - You can do this. You need to ask yourself what you are getting out of this man? He has lied to you and deceived you in one of the worst ways possible, and now wants to be friends? Is it, as in my case, to exonerate himself of any blame? Or is it because after all this time he still actually wants his ‘bit on the side’ around? And are you willing to be reduced to that? You shouldn’t be. You are worth more. Your time and emotions are valuable and anyone who is taking them up without offering something back is wasting them.

I understand how tempting the promise of ‘friendship’ can be. I woke up this morning in a very anxious state, regretting yesterday’s angry (but true) goodbye message and wanting to apologise and say ‘let’s be friends’. But what good would it do me? I’m tied to this man emotionally in the way you are to yours and the only way to unravel that is to cut them out.

I understand totally the vulnerability of an ED relapse. It’s beyond words. But if you can come through that, trust me, blocking this guy will turn out to be much easier than you think.

Keep me updated x

So I kind of slipped up but didn’t. I unblocked him on WhatsApp to see if he had blocked me. He had not. I blocked him again. That was it. I wanted to know what my avenues of communication were if I did choose to contact him in the future to try and forge a friendship. I think when my feelings have gone, that is unlikely. He had added nothing but pain to my life for many weeks and I’m sure I would feel that again were we to get back in touch.

Anyway, I’m still NC. Day 2. I miss what he was but I sure as hell don’t miss being ignored for the new GF and treated with pity. I know this is the right thing.

There are around 63 million people in this country. You do not need someone who's hurt you for a possible future friendship. You will find better people to be friends with.
Even if they're fascinating , charming, men you have interests in common with. The emotional dynamic between you doesn't work, and you know that.

And, whether as friend or lover, you deserve SO much more. You are worth SO much more.

Keep going. Because you know what, the evidence says, 30 days no contact, you'll feel quite different.
Free. Over missing him. Glad you've been strong.

I went nc with my ex in may of this year, it was an enforced nc as he bad bail conditions to not contact me. There were a couple of texts and a meeting during which he tried the old manipulation techniques but as I watched him, saw his mouth moving I realised one thing, that nothing that came out of his mouth was the truth. Everything he said and did was designed to get something he wanted.
People go on about closure, and how much we need it to move on but one thing I've learnt is that we provide our own closure, no one else. How can a manipulative , disrespectful liar hold the key to us moving on.
Being friends is just something people say to excuse their shitty behaviour or to keep you dangling for if they decide they want you back. If an actual real friend treated you how they did would you still be friends with them?
Going nc is hard because you go over and over in your head how could this be any different, what if I hadn't said that, or why doesn't he care like I do, I wonder if he is missing me.
None of these things matter, they aren't important and will just drive you mad. The one and only thing that matters is the reason you have gone nc in the first place, unless that has changed then the other things aren't relevant.
It's simply like a withdrawel, your mind is craving something that isnt good for you, so as a pp said retraining your brain is paramount.
I wrote a list of horrible things he had said and done, cons over pros. I had nearly 70 cons and 6 pros ha ha. Every time I missed him I forced myself to read every single one of those cons and let myself remember how each one made me feel, until the want to talk to him passed.
Quite quickly the length of time it took of reading and feeling got shorter. I haven't had to read that list for weeks and weeks.
I don't want to contact him, I dont want or need to know why he treated me the way he did, I don't need to hear an apology for nearly destroying me and I don't want to see his face, with his mouth moving, spilling out lies ever again.
You can do this op, he is not good enough for you. Don't try and ignore the hurt, feel it, sit with it then move on from it realising that while he isn't in your life the way you feel is simply a temporary situation. Contacting him will make it all so much harder. Remove him(not just blocking) from everything him. Delete him from Everything, take the option away, having that option to will stunt your progress. Your future is amazing, you raise a child by yourself, getting over a no good bloke is a piece of piss compared to that.

DancingLedge - I think the emotional dynamic did work between us but he turned out to be a horrible person. I guess I’m trying to see this as I don’t need a horrible, selfish human being in my life at all.

Confused - This is SO empowering. I’m going to make sure my future IS amazing. Just the same as you have. If you can do it, so can I. It seems he’s in therapy now (he said before I NC him) and is telling his therapist his depression is all my fault...though he felt it when I met him? I encouraged him to get help and talked to him nightly to counsel him through his feelings. Even after he left me. Someone like that will never be happy. They will blame everyone else for their own problems and take no responsibility for the things they do to others. It’s not a future I want, for myself or my son.

He may have been responsible for my ED relapse and hurting me/abusing my trust very badly, but it’s now my responsibility to deal with. How I deal with this NC is my responsibility too.

Sweet , yeah that may have been a bit of project film there.
Have you both seen:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3114835-The-dignity-club-NC-in-style

Not ' project film', autocorrect, projection.

Good work OP, keep it up! You may be missing what you'd hoped he was like, but I don't think you are missing the real person. Someone like that is not going to be a good friend to you and you deserve better. Don't think about being "nice" to him or getting in touch, be kind to yourself instead.

Thankyou everyone. Struggling today because this was the day he wanted to meet up. I should be having coffee with him now. But it’s ok. I put up my tree for DS when he gets home and am doing a load of cleaning (the excitement of being a single mum). All for my son though. Not my problem if he wants to drink and shag his problems away, anymore. Yeah I’m hurting. But I can be better than this. He’ll never change.

@SweetBerries you're doing great! I wish I was as motivated - I'm still in bed with the dog

I've been looking through inspirational quotes on Instagram, they do help in moments of weakness!

Does anyone else want o send one final text telling him how he's made you feel? I refuse to do so as to be honest I don't think he gives a shit.

Don’t send the final text. It is never the final text. And you won’t get the validation you want. Hard I know.
Although it’s not the objective remember your radio silence will be a huge kick in the teeth to them. Remember that.

@Jinglybell - I sent him one last text and then blocked him. It was for me as I KNOW he doesn’t give a shit. The only reaction to my relapse has been pity and self-pity. I just told him he had treated me like worse than dirt, I had been nothing but supportive to him and a good person, whereas he had been a bad one. And a shit feminist. And then I blocked him. I know he doesn’t care, he’s probably relieved that he won’t hesr from me again, but I wanted him to know that he isn’t the respectful blue eyed boy that his GF and the people around him constantly tell him that he is.

It has basically meant I can’t contact him now as he’ll just tell me to do one, but I think that’s the idea of the thread :). If the message makes you feel better, do it and block him before he gets the chance to respond. Xx

I do also agree with @Rhubarbginn though, in the sense that if you don’t intend to send it and receive nothing back because of instant blocking, don’t do it. I didn’t want to give my ex the right to reply as the message was purely so I knew I had said it. Nothing I could ever say would make him change the opinion that he’s a good guy doing the right thing by all women because he ‘respects’ them so much. But I refused to just stay quiet and leave calmly. He treated me like crap so I told him. I don’t need him to agree. He’s not part of my life anymore. X

ARGH I WANT TO APOLOGISE WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.

"He's not part of my life anymore."
Bloody exactly, so DON'T APOLOGISE. Stop trying to second guess how he will feel, and respond, or whether he feels shit... you aren't responsible for his feelings, and there is no good outcome – if he's dismissive, you'll feel shit, if he's nice you open up the dialogue again. Don't do it!

Go and distract yourself. Cup of tea, TV, Christmas songs, do something with/for your son, have something to eat... anything!

I've just got a whatsapp saying "I know I shouldn't have messaged you, sorry" I haven't opened it so he won't see the blue ticks and have just archived the chat.

I will not respond. I will not respond. I WILL NOT RESPOND

@Jinglybell - Don’t. That message is begging for a response. I would just delete it altogether and block if you are able to. Then you won’t even have the temptation.

@Crypticclues I didn’t. I had a lie down - may have drifted off for about 20 minutes but the feeling has passed. I just feel empty. Xx