NON CONTACT - From Day One

[SweetBerries]

Ok long post short, this is my story:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3113063-Betrayed-Not-sure-if-I-m-being-unreasonable?pg=7&order=

This guy lied to me repeatedly over a number of weeks until he met his new GF last week. He had told me he wanted to stay friends and I had been trying because I love him, but I realised after coming here that this was basically to exonerate himself from blame for my current anorexia relapse which was triggered by his behaviour after the break up. He also has never broken up with anyone and not stayed friends with them, so there’s a pattern there.

I spelled out to him that he had treated me badly, that he was no kind of feminist (he’s convinced he is, despite using me for sex and telling me deep lies to get me there) and that all I had ever done was try to support and help him throughout the whole time we’d known each other. I said we wouldn’t speak again. He’s now blocked on every platform.

Hour one was ok. Hour two not so much. Now I’m full of regret and wishing I could take it back and be his friend. Why? No idea. Maybe I feel weak not just being able to accept what he’s done. Maybe I’m worried he’s angry at me and I hate the idea of upsetting anyone really, no matter what they’ve done. I’m tempted to grovel and apologise even though that gives him all the power back and he will inevitably tell me that he doesn’t want to know,

I know lots of you have been through this process, potentially many in similar circumstances. I think I need help to get through this or otherwise I’m going to crumble to a pulp and end up begging him to no avail, which will make me feel even worse.

I’m stronger than this. I must be, I just need to find a way to harness it.

So erm...help?! Xx

Help, I think I just had a grey-out on the stairs. I’ve eaten something but today but it doesn’t seem to be enough. Automatic reaction is to text him and tell him I’m scared because I am. I’m petrified. But he isn’t an option and even if I unblocked him he doesn’t care anyway.

So I’m saying it here. I’m scared. I’m really scared.

Hold tight, Sweet

Holding your hand ...
So many of us have been there

Keep strong
Find something to eat
Do it for your son

Xxx

@Lucky11111 - I needed to hear that. I’m just hurting more than I ever remember hurting. I want him to be in my life but I have no idea why. He’s treated me so badly. I deserve so so much better. And yet I’m considering grovelling for a chance to be his friend. I presume it’s because my self esteem is so low.

I ate something small and it gave me the strength to get my son home, happy and to bed. He’s the happiest boy in the world which is so wonderful and makes me think I can’t be all bad, as he only sees his dad one night out of 14 and that means everything he is, is pretty much down to me.

I just must be a rubbish girlfriend. X

Sweet - keep strong! A few weeks down the line you will be so proud of yourself. You will know that you could do it and it will help your self esteem.
Learn to feed yourself. Build your own core and don't depend on others to define who you are.
Try not to let fear build up inside you. Take yourself out for a walk (woolly hat and mitttens) and walk off some of the stressed energy.
I like what another MNer said somewhere - "When you're going through hell, keep going".

Youre not a rubbish girlfriend. He was clearly a useless wan*er.

You're not a rubbish girlfriend at all - you just chose the wrong man.

We've ALL done that !!!

(Many of us have done so several times) 🙄

Very few people get their ideal mate straight away. Most of us lurch from one bad relationship to another until we realise - through trial and error - what makes a "good" man.

Put him where he belongs - on the pile marked "substandard boyfriends". Cos that is exactly what he is. Nothing more and nothing less.

Turn around and walk away.

Leave him in the past, and walk towards a much brighter future.

Xxx

I think it's always scary when you're faced with change and the person you once relied on isn't there. It's difficult to balance your thoughts. He isn't your answer. Controlling what you eat gives you a sense of control.
You sound lovely and you'll get there

@SweetBerries please don't think badly of yourself - you're clearly a lovely person, he's the arsehole here. Please try and eat, little and often and be sure to keep hydrated too. If not for yourself then for your little one. He needs you to be strong and to be there for him. Don't let that dickheads behaviour affect your son x

@wishiknewthen @tictactic @ginny70 @Lucky11111 - Thankyou all so much. It’s so difficult to put into words how this thread is keeping me afloat at the moment but every time I read a new comment it gives me strength which I badly need right now. I hope other women are reading this and realising that if an undernourished, used, lied to single mother can do this, they can too.

I’m still NC. Haven’t heard from his best friend but I don’t expect to. She just automatically will believe what he says as she comparatively barely knows me. I do care about her but it’s a lot easier to lose a friend in this situation.

I’ve been writing a novella for a while. Just something to occupy my mind. I initially started it because he suggested it, but it’s my writing and it’s my idea. So I’m carrying on. It won’t be any good of course but channeling my pain into words seems to at least mean something constructive comes of it. Maybe I’ll try and write a little more tonight. Xx

@jinglybell - There’s no way I’ll let this affect my boy. He’s my only motivation to eat anything and the only reason I’ve sought help. I’m drinking plenty of water and eating when I can stomach it. I’m going to try something before I go to bed. My Dad is desperately worried about me and losing me would kill him. So I can’t let this man (if you can call him that) destroy me. Xx

Well that’s Day 2 down. Can’t stop thinking about him and the new girl at it, but I don’t even know what she looks like, so to be honest it’s a bit of a non-starter anyway. DS is home and happy. That’s my primary concern out of the way. I’m not really sure how tomorrow is going to go but I’ve planned some things to keep myself occupied and my Dad will check in at some point. He’s very worried about me so is being extremely supportive. And he can’t stand this guy for obvious reasons, so that always helps.

I have to go out of the house tomorrow and possibly into town to meet some people in the evening. I’m petrified I’ll run into him/them but I can’t live life shackled to my bed. Hopefully I won’t and it will just remind me that people like me and I’m not the insane, bitter pain in the arse that he’s made me feel like. Urgh I’m so miserable. But not anywhere near as bad as I was when we were talking. So there’s a positive note to end on. Xx

I’m not sure I can do this. Any of this. It’s all too much to handle. There’s nothing to be gained by contacting him at all but it’s the feeling that he’s forgotten me already. And in my case I know he has. It makes me feel less than zero. How can someone be so easily discarded? Though if I think about it logically these are the properties of an absolute narcissist and one who I don’t need around.

I hope you see the battle in my head here. X

SweetBerries, I've just read your whole thread - why don't you re-read it to remind yourself of all the good points which have been made? All really sound advice from other people - and from your SELF. You're right: he is a narcissist. I found loads of good articles on narcissism and the people attracted to them last night when I was looking up the definitions for 'gaslighting' and love bombed, which I'd never heard of before . Google those words and some excellent articles came up.

You can't change a narcissists behaviour - but you don't have to tolerate it. You are worth so much more. I do see the battle in your head. But you can change the battle. You can say 'sorry - you're just not worth it' and distract yourself with something, like your novella. Practice is the key to everything, whether it's trying new mental strategies, or writing a book. And then when the battle comes round again, re-read here and repeat new strategies. Good luck! you can do it!

Here for support!
I’m trying to go no contact with someone who sounds similar to the idiot you’re dealing with!
So here’s a massive handhold .... Pm me if you get the urge to text him.

Look back in a few weeks time and you won’t feel like this anymore

Hi SweetBerries, hugs to you and the 'battle' in your head and all the conflicting feelings in your body. I've been there so I've know how you're feeling.

I'd like to help you release those feelings so you can feel a lot more comfortable in yourself, so first up, I'd suggest you download this system. Once you've downloaded (it's free) let me know and I can guide you to getting the most release from using it.

www.pstec.org/

xxx

You did the right thing, hold your head up high. He is no good and toxic, it will get easier.

How are you Sweetberries?

Hi @Solly76. I’m suffering today as it happens. He sent me a selfie last night of himself wearing a t-shirt I bought him. That he sent to his girlfriend first, of course. Don’t understand his mind at all - would he not realise that would hurt me? I did reply but he just ignored it because presumably his GF was then available to him again.

I’m going to get through Christmas somehow. Without him dragging me back. I’ve seen the eating disorders consultant and I’m now their patient so I guess I have that battle to win too. But I’ve faced it before. Just not at the same time as this battle to get over a horrible toxic man. Thankyou for replying, I’ve been hiding in a communal NC thread and really avoiding facing up to this one. But reading back is helping. He isn’t good. He can look good all he wants but what’s underneath is rotten. X

I'm sorry that you're suffering. Really glad you have sought help for the ED though. No man is worth you being so ill.
My chap has been in touch via WhatsApp. Keeps saying he will call, but then never does. So I've read it but not replied. Even if he does call there is no point. He still lied about his marital status which he clearly has no plans to change. He swears he is lonely and unhappy in his marriage, they are never intimate. They have no children and no plans to have any, they both have good incomes, he won't be destitute by going it alone. He says he can't leave because he doesn't want to upset people and disappoint his mum, family, in-laws, and mutual friends. But says he wants to leave, because he doesn't want to lose me. But then he ghosts me after he's said all that. His mum is very ill so I can kind of understand. I'm just tired of his constant broken promises.

That man does not deserve your friendship. You do not need to grovel. You're not a crap girlfriend either. You deserve better than him. You are clearly intelligent, articulate, kind and sensitive. On top of that you are a great mum to a happy boy. That 'man' is crap, not you. Pity his new girl because he will probably do the same thing to her when he gets bored and meets someone else. I know that doesn't make it easier.