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The dignity club - NC in style

(1000 Posts)
OldBook Sun 17-Dec-17 07:49:19

As discussed on the other thread, we should start another NC thread with the rules up front. Here you go! Feel free to join .. for all sorts of NC situations

NC thread rules

1. Check in here often - it helps
2. Step away from the phone
3. Aim for 4 weeks minimum NC
4. But if you fall off the wagon, tomorrow is another day and you're one step closer to the time you make it work
5. When you are whole you are in control
6. Dignity is key
7. Be kind to yourself - you are going through a form of grief
8. Get busy.
9. Other people care about you - contact them instead
10. Just because they are not in touch, doesn't mean they don't care
11. Find healthy people.
12. Listen to strengthening music.

Basseting Sun 17-Dec-17 09:31:35

Hello OldBook

I see you started the DCClub thread! smile

My only comment would be I see them as guidelines not rules
perhaps because I have fallen off 'the wagon' already. But, day 3...

I particularly like 1,2,3 and 7-10 - all of them really!

I think it helps to remember we are all in different situations - for me, it is someone I have known half my life and No 10 is certainly the case, but it is over and it doesn't make the pain any less. For others, it will be a briefer / less complex situation, but just as painful.

Let us support each other through grieving for the relationship we thought we had and moving on (incrementally) into a healthier / less painful way forward.

jinglybell Sun 17-Dec-17 10:36:39

Checking in! Thanks for this thread - great to see the rules at the top.

This is day one for me as yesterday I sent a reply to his first text in a week. He text that he missed me, I replied and have had no response. I think he was just testing the waters. Bastard.

I have resisted the urge to check his online/last seen status on whatsapp since yesterday evening so that's a little victory for me! I will get round to blocking him and deleting his number soon.

Good luck to everyone else going through this atm flowers

Aminuts23 Sun 17-Dec-17 11:06:56

Hey all. Good to see a new NC thread. There was a really good one when I was going through it earlier in the year. I just want to reassure you that it absolutely works. I’ve been NC for 3 months now. I’m free of him. I’m enjoying time with my friends and family, I’m enjoying being on my own. I potentially have a date over Christmas that I’m looking forward to. Stay strong. The first few days are really really hard but it does get easier and once you’re on that road to recovery each day you feel better and better. You absolutely can do this flowers

Itsalottery Sun 17-Dec-17 11:16:13

Hello, me too just checking in. On day 4 but should have been 30 if I'd stuck it out. Fully intend to now. It's hard to accept it's over even when you know it is.

Nice to hear aminuts from the 'other side'. Thank you for posting to show there is an other side to get to and that it did work.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 Sun 17-Dec-17 12:04:59

Hi everyone. @Oldbook. Thanks for setting up the thread.

Day 6 - not sure how I'm feeling? It should be Day 25 if I hadn't sent the mistake emoji!! I'm probably a bit indifferent now.

Rhubarbginn Sun 17-Dec-17 12:18:10

Hello all. This is just what we need. I’m on day 3. Slipped up last week as should have been much longer. Mine is a wolf in sheeps clothing. I need him out of my life for my own well being.
This thread will hopefully be a huge help and support.
I think another rule to add is that by initiating contact or replying gives them control that we are trying to hold onto. There is nothing worse than thinking someone you’re trying to get over has the upper hand over you. It’s not a nice feeling.
Let’s remember to check in each day.

SweetBerries Sun 17-Dec-17 12:48:57

I’ve got a personal thread on this but let’s form a collective too smile. I’m only on Day 2, and whilst I’m paralysed with anxiety about it, I also am aware that he won’t be bothered (has a new GF). So if I go crawling back, he’ll just dismiss me with some rubbish like ‘it’s not good for me to be talking to you’ (even though I’ve done nothing wrong) and I’ll feel even worse.

So let’s do this. We can. We are in control. Despite not feeling that way. If someone doesn’t offer anything to your life, don’t waste your life on them. Xx

Rhubarbginn Sun 17-Dec-17 15:46:39

How is everyone doing today?

SweetBerries Sun 17-Dec-17 16:00:43

Feeling empty and regretful. I don’t know why.
His ex/best friend came to be my friend during the time we were together. I messaged her today saying if she needed to block me I understood but that I would still be a friend if she ever needed one. I’m sure she will have had him in her ear with lies, but I’m not the sort of person to just dismiss someone because of the actions of a mutual friend. Anyway, she never replied. So I guess that’s that too. At least I have the dignity of knowing I did the right and good thing.

Basseting Sun 17-Dec-17 17:36:15

Number 7 for me today.
I just washed my hands with Pears soap, which I have used since a child. He uses Pears. It made me cry. Now I have to find a new soap.

IrisAtwood Sun 17-Dec-17 18:02:59

Day 1 again,

I had booked and paid for an all inclusive holiday for us but couldn’t face it alone. At a weak moment I sent him the e-tickets and told him to use it otherise it would be wasted. We should have flown out today and after a few drinks last night (with friends) I sent him an email saying ‘I hope you enjoy the holiday.’

This should be something like day 47.Instead I am back to day 1. FFS.

dreamies Sun 17-Dec-17 18:06:39

Day 6 for me. Fully expecting him to contact over Christmas which I will reply to as we haven't fell out, just can't be together because of circumstances.
I'm not initiating contact because it's not helping either of us not because I don't want to speak to him. I miss him and I'm so sad we can't be together.
Hate the feeling that I'm waiting for him to contact me though.
I changed my whatsapp settings so I can't see his last online so I can't torture myself with that.
Keep getting the urge to do something wreck less. .

dreamies Sun 17-Dec-17 18:12:00

Iris that must be so hard, do you know if he went on the holiday?
All the little things we had planned to do together but obviously won't now make me really sad, especially at this time of year.

Teensandfuture Sun 17-Dec-17 18:23:56

Hi everyone.
I'm on day 8 ..we wernt in relationship As such as he's unavailable but somehow whole thing got dragged on for few months when it should have ended 2 month ago or never started at all. Only now, after a week of nc I realise how much I was overinvested in him, by reading through WhatsApp and messages. I'm having a tiny bit of control as he's the one messaged last and I never replied (first time ever). Hes low WhatsApp user and only appears online every few days..well after his last message over a week ago he never appeared online until last night. It makes me think he didnt even realise I went nc and he wasn't bothered if I had replied or not,so not even gone to in to check if he missed any messages..Guess he realises now that something is up.Does he care if I'm out of the picture? that's good question .He's very good with selfcontrol and composure though so even if he is missing me I probably won't find it out as it's unlikely he'll be chasing me for answers.Day 8 ..I want to get to the stage when either I STOP checking his contact completely or to the stage when he messaged me (undoubtedly long nice engaging messages) I feel nothing and have no urge to reply.

SweetBerries Sun 17-Dec-17 18:42:55

God everyone is doing so much better than me! I suppose I have the added bonus of knowing he’s with someone else now, but I’m proud of every one of you for doing this well.
I’m feeling very unwell tonight. Psychologically and physically. I’ve managed to eat more than I have in days but only because my son was about to come home and I nearly passed out on the stairs.

I’m desperate to talk to him but I know the feelings I’ll have: rejection, jealousy, betrayal...all the rest. I’ll remember the lies and being used for sex. I have to remember all this or I’m going to break. X

SweetBerries Sun 17-Dec-17 18:45:47

@IrisAtwood - don’t worry about breaking contact once, you’ve been doing so well and once in 47 days is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s something to be celebrated. I understand completely the feeling of things you were going to do together. I have to book my graduation and he was supposed to come with me. I’m actually just considering not going and getting it in the post, but I worked SO hard to get this far...it feels like I would be letting him win.

jinglybell Sun 17-Dec-17 20:09:04

He messaged. I fully intended to ignore it but I messaged him back. I let everything out and said everything I had to say. I waited until I saw the little blue ticks so I know he got it, then I blocked him. I don't need to hear anything now, I've got it off my chest.

So bring on tomorrow - day 1 here I come

SweetBerries Sun 17-Dec-17 21:03:02

@jinglybell - YES. This is excellent. I didn’t actually consider whether my message had even been read...there were two grey ticks so I presumed as it had been delivered he’d have seen it after I blocked him. Hmmm.

Anyway that’s not the point here. The point is YOU DID IT. I’m so glad you got it all out of your system first. There is a wonderful catharsis that comes from telling the truth FINALLY about how you feel with no comeback. No chance to argue. Let’s face it, they don’t deserve that. If that did we wouldn’t have to be in this situation to begin with.

We are doing this together. Soon we’ll all start to feel the relief. For a while it’s going to be tough, but I wouldn’t have even tried NC if it weren’t for the contributors here, and I have every faith we’ll help each other to make it work. Xx

Itsjustmarley Sun 17-Dec-17 21:44:16

I finally unfollowed him on Instagram and deleted him off WhatsApp. Had to do it as I stupidly watched his Insta story and saw he was out with someone.... dunno if it's a friend or a new girl but it made me think that I don't want to be logging on worrying if I'm going to have some sort of heart wrenching moment from seeing him with someone else one day. It's been 6 weeks now and while he's happy all moved on, I feel like I'm stuck in that moment and that's not fair so I need to move on. This will be day 1 for me

IrisAtwood Sun 17-Dec-17 22:09:03

I have to book my graduation and he was supposed to come with me. I’m actually just considering not going and getting it in the post, but I worked SO hard to get this far

You deserve to go to your graduation. Do you have any friends or family that could go with you? Start making new memories without him, and make them good ones!

My ex didn’t go on the holiday. I know because I drove past the house on the way home from my support group meeting 😳 Part of me wishes he had gone, because it is the same hotel and location we went to last year, and he would miss me.
The other part of me thinks that he will miss me even more if he doesn’t go because he never organised ot booked any weekends away or holidays but loved them and would ask me when we were going again.
Had a few tears after driving past the house, but they were soon over.

We can do this.

SweetBerries Sun 17-Dec-17 23:02:03

@IrisAtwood - Yes we can. The way to think about this (and I am struggling myself so this is going to be fiercely hypocritical) is that it doesn’t matter if they miss us. Of course we want them to initially, but we are our own people and part of NC (for me at least) has got to be the cessation of giving a flying f**k what they are thinking or feeling. I guess the point is that we can’t change it. If they do, they do. If they don’t, they don’t. That will happen regardless. What we CAN change is how we act going forward. And that’s what we are doing. We can do this. You’re right.

@Itsjustmarley - Welcome smile. I’m so glad you’ve unfollowed him on Instagram. The only thing I’ve actually managed to be confident about is blocking my ex on social media. I don’t need to see what he and his GF are up to less than two weeks after the last time we slept together. And you don’t need to torture yourself with that either. You have enough to deal with in life without making it harder for yourself with that smile. Everyone here understands the struggle that NC is, but even on Day 2 I feel slightly stronger. I’ve had my moments today and have thought about him a lot, but I’ve managed it. In a week I’m sure those moments will lessen for us both. And soon we’ll be able to actually live and breathe again without that pain. I promise.

OldBook Mon 18-Dec-17 01:18:51

Glad to see you all here!

My fave NC quote: walk a mile away. If they want you, they will chase. If they don't, you'll be a mile away.

I am doing OK. My NC is with a male 'friend' that I have had a strange co-dependent and very confused friendship with with layers of weirdness that has gone back some months. He was like my best friend but it was very very intense and (I realized) dependent on whether or not he was seeing anyone. I called NC a few weeks ago but slipped back into touch last week as we have mutual friends etc.

We hung out in a group on Sat night and he suggested we get a drink after just us so I did (the first time since before the NC), and it was v. confusing - he had a strange almost aggressive energy, was talking a lot about women in a slightly off way and had a strange mix of throwing me little barbed comments and wanting to keep hanging out and being nice, as well as telling me about his problems at length including things I have told him before I don't really want to hear about (other girls etc).

But - he did say he was upset by the NC and had missed me. So proof that rule 10 is true! 10. Just because they are not in touch, doesn't mean they don't care

I don't know how to play it now. We're not expressly NC anymore but I don't particularity want to be in touch as need more space, but don't want to feel rejected knowing he isn't in touch if that makes sense?

I don't know.

OldBook Mon 18-Dec-17 01:20:16

Sorry about the essay!

OldBook Mon 18-Dec-17 01:21:53

part of NC (for me at least) has got to be the cessation of giving a flying f**k what they are thinking or feeling

This is so true sweet. You're right. Our end goal is a time in the future when you think "oh, that's right, I used to know that person" not being pursued

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