NON CONTACT - From Day One

[SweetBerries]

Ok long post short, this is my story:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3113063-Betrayed-Not-sure-if-I-m-being-unreasonable?pg=7&order=

This guy lied to me repeatedly over a number of weeks until he met his new GF last week. He had told me he wanted to stay friends and I had been trying because I love him, but I realised after coming here that this was basically to exonerate himself from blame for my current anorexia relapse which was triggered by his behaviour after the break up. He also has never broken up with anyone and not stayed friends with them, so there’s a pattern there.

I spelled out to him that he had treated me badly, that he was no kind of feminist (he’s convinced he is, despite using me for sex and telling me deep lies to get me there) and that all I had ever done was try to support and help him throughout the whole time we’d known each other. I said we wouldn’t speak again. He’s now blocked on every platform.

Hour one was ok. Hour two not so much. Now I’m full of regret and wishing I could take it back and be his friend. Why? No idea. Maybe I feel weak not just being able to accept what he’s done. Maybe I’m worried he’s angry at me and I hate the idea of upsetting anyone really, no matter what they’ve done. I’m tempted to grovel and apologise even though that gives him all the power back and he will inevitably tell me that he doesn’t want to know,

I know lots of you have been through this process, potentially many in similar circumstances. I think I need help to get through this or otherwise I’m going to crumble to a pulp and end up begging him to no avail, which will make me feel even worse.

I’m stronger than this. I must be, I just need to find a way to harness it.

So erm...help?! Xx

I like it a new thread for a new Chapter. Well done for turning the page on the last chapter.

Have you started on putting up your tree yet?

Meh, no I’m still in bed. I have managed to eat, though. The plan is to just somehow manage with no contact today and then start tomorrow with a fresh attitude and put the tree up. DS doesn’t get home til 5/6pm tomorrow so I have plenty of time.

I’m just not sure how to make it through today. I know he’s not going to care about not talking to me any more, really, so that’s what I’m trying to focus on when I think about giving in.

Focus on one day at a time, and whenever you are tempted to send him a message, post on here instead.

What would you like to do right now? Put your tree up? Make yourself some chocolate chip biscuits? (Always a nice thing to do.... ) Or watch a movie - Kill Bill vol 1 and 2 should set the mood quite nicely I think.....

Focus on one day at a time, and whenever you are tempted to send him a message, post on here instead.

What would you like to do right now? Put your tree up? Make yourself some chocolate chip biscuits? (Always a nice thing to do.... ) Or watch a movie - Kill Bill vol 1 and 2 should set the mood quite nicely I think.....

Focus on keeping your dignity. Knowing that if you contact him, you will lose more of yourself. You have the power now. Taken a stand against his treatment. Don’t give it back to him so easily.

Remove all avenues of contact first. Delete messages, numbers, block everything. It's terrifying but it stops that mad three minute 'i'm just going to...'

Then embrace the feeling sorry for yourself. Eat junk food, watch crappy telly, hibernate in your duvet. I found that wallowing at the beginning got it out of my system a bit, then i could focus back on getting straight.

Nice hot bath too! Hot enough to make you go 'ffffk sakes' as you sink into it...made me cry then i couldn't stop (pregnancy hormones) but christ did i feel better afterwards!!!

Thankyou everyone. Just to be clear he is blocked EVERYWHERE though sadly I know his number off by heart. He won’t be missing me. He’ll be congratulating himself on how much less stressful his life is without ‘that sick girl who blames me’ around. That is the part that is hurting at this moment. I nearly buckled just then but I came here instead so I’m doing as I’m told

Keep posting here

Have you got a dartboard 😈

My ex left three weeks ago today & it still hurts like a bitch to think he was able to just walk without any afterthought. When i get the 'id give anything to have him here' mindset i think back to things he did that really pissed me off. Cue lots of random cursing & walking round the house like a madwoman but it does help!

If you managed to eat, that's good. Make sure that you drink fluids, tea if you can or if not, warm water to help you retain body heat.

HE is the user, and to be honest I bet a lot of other people realise this. Probably a lot more than you know.

This too shall pass...
You've done the right thing and you know it. You're an intelligent, educated, independent woman and mother, so stop thinking about what he thinks, or how he'll respond to things. Just focus on you.

I've just done NC and now on over 30 days, I read some advice on here that said when you think about messaging to count to 20 then the feeling passes. I found that really helped!

Ooh so many replies! I called my dad. It was the right thing to do. He reminded me of what an absolute loser of man this guy is, and that’s putting aside what he’s done to me. He’s lazy, selfish and has always had someone else to solve his problems for him. For someone who has lived away from home since I was 14 and made my own way as a lone parent with no support (me) to have more of a life trajectory than him (happy childhood, loving parents, posh uni, etc etc) I guess there must be something about me :).

So for now, those feelings have gone. I have an idea that he might send his kids’ Christmas presents back to me, which is fine, me and Dad decided that I would find a children’s home or something that could use them.

I’ve had a bath and I’m going to actually GET OUT OF BED. I have some clothes to sort out and cleaning to do as I want the house to be tip top for DS return.

Contacting him today seems unlikely though I imagine I’ll get the usual ‘waking up through the night wanting to talk to him’ later. Not sure how I deal with that when I’m tired as I’ve always messaged him before but now I can’t, obviously...

JonSnowsGhost - I’m going to do this every time I think about it. Hopefully by then the urge will pass and logic will start to kick in. It doesn’t matter what he’s doing. I can’t control that. I CAN control me. 20 seconds is a long time to keep thinking that :)

A friend made me chuckle & said I needed brain training. She suggested i keep a rolled up magazine next to my bed & savagely beat myself about the head with it every time i wanted to message the ex 😂😂 i haven't done this (yet!) but thinking about it cracks me up

It really helped me, 20 seconds is longer than you think and you kind of get bored by the end so forget you wanted to text!

Mustbemad - Right I’ve got an issue of Paw Patrol magazine to give myself a slap if required. Better than the pain of letting myself down!

JSG - It is longer than you think isn’t it? And I will definitely get bored. I get bored doing most things so I’ll get bored during that for sure.

Well I think it’s a telling sign of how badly this man has treated me that I actually am feeling surprisingly ok tonight. There’s still a twinge of regret but mostly I’m trying to think of the future. And it only involves me and my son. I don’t intend to get involved with anyone anytime soon...I wouldn’t trust them and I’d destroy it. Besides which I’m unwell. I need to heal. I’m doing what I need to do to be ok LONG term.

I just need to work out what to do with the present I bought him that I gave to him but is still here. I spent a fortune on it but it’s a signed vinyl and the band aren’t popular here so selling it on would be stupid. Plus I already gave it to him so it seems cruel to just get rid. Should I just post it, and be done?

Smash it up & send him the pieces 😆😆 sorry, i'm such a vindictive bitch!! Use it as target practice!!!

It definitely says a lot that you feel better than you expected. Chin up, best foot forward as me old grandad would say!

MBM - Yeah it was so bloody expensive i don’t know if I could smash it up!

Sadly I’m already starting to plan the ‘lets be mates’ message after about 2 months because I’m nice and don’t want him to feel shit. But I think he’d just see it as a victory over me and tell me swiftly to F off. Anyway it’s a stupid thought on day one. I’ve nearly made it to the end though. Thank God. I’m exhausted. Mentally I mean. It’s very hard. X

One day at a time, you might surprise yourself 🙂 It is exhausting isn't it! Shocked me how much energy it takes out of you

He's a dickhead.

Best way to get over a man, is to get under another one.

Try and sell the gift something back is better than nothing and get yourself a well deserved treat !

Good for you - I read your last thread and he sounds awful.

I'm going to be starting day one tomorrow. Today was day 6 for me but he messaged that he missed me and like a dick I messaged back. I've blocked mine on social media and deleted whatsapps and texts but for some reason I can't bring myself to delete and block his number.

We can do this! We're worth more

Husky if only!!

Strong ladies you can do this!!

You are both so worth more.

I don't even know you, and I'm angry at how you've been treated.
Hold your head up. You are worth better than him.