Walked away from something potentially wonderful

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

Last night I walked away from potentially a great man, I just hope I’ve made the right decision 😞

Zoom back about 4 years ago, I met my daughters father who was about to leave to leave to move to Australia. We had a fantastic relationship for about 4 months, I fell pregnant - he ran.

I decided to have my daughter and we have a great life, I have a job, own my own house which I purchased this year and comfortable.

I decided earlier this year to start dating again. Understandably I’m fussy, I have a little girl to think about so I’m being careful. Finally I met someone I actually wanted to spend time, and they live in Switzerland 😩 I know it well as I have family there. So have a lot in common, share similar values and views, dreams etc he has no children of his own. He leaves to go back home at the start of January. So far the guy has made a huge amount of effort on our dates, been incredibly generous - paying for tickets for ice skating and taking me out for dinner. Very good and staying in touch in between dates. Basically doing all the right things and saying the right things. He knows I’m tentative about dating him as we live in different countries and he has tried reassuring me. But yesterday after our 2nd date, I decided I couldn’t put my heart on the line. So I told him I liked him a lot, enjoyed his company but the fact we live in different countries and have different lives (he has no kids) is a problem for me.

I feel incredibly sad, but I just don’t know if I can take the risk despite how lovely he is.

Any words of wisdom? Have I done the right thing?

I don't think you have! Wouldn't you be willing to consider a future in Switzerland if you know people there? I don't mean just at the moment, but eventually?

How often do you meet?

I think you have done the right thing. I don’t see him not having children a problem but I do think living in another country is a problem. You have learnt from past experience and dont want to left again. Good choice.

I’m half Swiss, so yes I would. But the problem is my family. I don’t know if I can leave them 🙁 my dad has Alzheimer’s, and my parents dote on my daughter. It would break their heart if I left. But if I’m honest with you. My dream would be to move. It’s what I always wanted. It’s just scary to leave behind my support network who I care about so much.

Why is the 'different lives - he has no kids' thing a problem. It's far more complicated to blend two families with kids, surely?

I’m sorry you feel this way. While I can understand your reasoning I wouldn’t have shut it down so early on but rather seen where it might go. Not many good men out there and in time he might well move for you.. As you are just starting to date I would make sure you enjoy yourself without wanting to get too serious too soon. Sore You i cant be more helpful. Wishing you the best of luck!

Plus I want stability for my daughter. I don’t want her moving from school to school. The Swiss guy is a totally different person to my daughters father. My ex was a walking disaster zone tbh, I should of walked away from the 1st date. This guy is different. But I just don’t think I can risk it 😬😬

If you feel sad inside, that could be your gut telling you something else, that you haven't, in fact, done the right thing.
Maybe you need to talk to him again and see what he is thinking. Just explain how you feel. I think the fact that your previous boyfriend went away abroad and did not care for you any longer has made you untrusting and overly cautious.
Quite a lot of Swiss men have foreign wives and although it's not easy at time, most of them settle well in Switzerland long term. It's a great place to raise kids!

So you've only been on two dates?

The different lives thing is because he is ridiculously wealthy, I’m not. His apartment is like something from an interiors magazine 😆 whilst I have a lovely, cosy little house i can’t help but feel we are from different worlds. The kids thing is because he is a typical batchelor, beautiful clean house and I have a toddler. He has tried to explain to me this isn’t an issue and that he really wants to have a family.

I don’t know, reading this all back. It sounds like I’m making excuses doesn’t it? I think I’m just incredibly scared about the ‘what ifs’

Life is a risk though, Cherry. Sometimes you just have to go for it.

You haven't been proposed to or anything, you can just carry on for a while and see what happens. I think he sounds nice.

How old is your daughter?
Don't be afraid of change, you never know, it could be great for her!

He has no dcs, so could move to the uk. If you are the one for him, perhaps he'll start thinking about a life in England...

Walk away for now, keep in touch if need be, see him when he's over.

From reading this it sounds like you may well have regrets - but after only 2 dates it’s impossible to tell.

Yes only two dates, but a huge amount of chatting in between about lots of very personal things. Stuff you don’t learn about until a few months down the line. We’re not kids (early 40’s) both have had a lot of experience in relationships and know what we want and don’t want. And just felt a great connection from very early on.

Go for it life's too short!

He sounds great and you sound lovely and like a fantastic mum. Why not carry on cautiously dating for a while and just see what happens? You can take it slowly but what's life without taking a chance? I'm not suggesting you jump on a plane with your daughter tomorrow, but just see where things go - give it a bit more than two dates. That's nothing - it may well fizzle out naturally and you'll be saved from all these dramatic what ifs!

Why cant he move to the UK?

I can’t stop thinking about him 😢 it’s not about him, it’s the situation that made me walk away. He is a very open person, he contacts me in the evening and says he has been thinking of me and sending me a beautiful message saying goodnight to me and my little girl 😢 no English man has ever done that before for me.

I'd keep in touch long distance and just see. Switzerland isn't so far away. You don't seem to have known him long enough to make a decision either way. And why should you be the one to move.

He actually said with his job he could move anywhere he wanted. I just didn’t really pick up what what he was trying to say 😬 which is if things work out, he would move. The thing is, deep down - I want to move where he is. It’s everything I’ve alwags dreamed of. I want to live in the mountains as I’m very sporty and outdoorsy.

Oh god what the bloody hell have I done 😳😳

Whereabouts in Switzerland would it be?

Sometimes, you have to live for yourself. Don't have a life of regrets. It's not worth it.

He lives in Geneva.

I know, that’s what he was trying to say to me yesterday sometimes you have to take a risk in life. He could tell I was pulling away and trying to reassure me. But I just went home freaking out and ended it.

I’m just so incredibly scared. Having a baby on my own was a lovely experience and being abandoned was awful. I have built up huge walls and this represents a risk I’m not sure my nerves can handle.

crikey, rich, kind, lovely home, sounds nice. At least give it a fair crack of the whip OP!!! Guys like this dont exactly fall off trees. Can you keep it casual and with trips both ways? Unless after 2 dates he is insisting you move in and move over there , then it sounds pretty perfect--even for a fun based, see how it goes, kind of year .

My issue is I’m not good at keeping things ‘non-serious’ in my head. I’m not the type to throw myself at men (something he really likes) but I do wear my heart on my sleeve. I don’t know how people just go with the flow😳