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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Walked away from something potentially wonderful

62 replies

Cherryblossom200 · 15/12/2017 14:00

Hi everyone,

Last night I walked away from potentially a great man, I just hope I’ve made the right decision 😞

Zoom back about 4 years ago, I met my daughters father who was about to leave to leave to move to Australia. We had a fantastic relationship for about 4 months, I fell pregnant - he ran.

I decided to have my daughter and we have a great life, I have a job, own my own house which I purchased this year and comfortable.

I decided earlier this year to start dating again. Understandably I’m fussy, I have a little girl to think about so I’m being careful. Finally I met someone I actually wanted to spend time, and they live in Switzerland 😩 I know it well as I have family there. So have a lot in common, share similar values and views, dreams etc he has no children of his own. He leaves to go back home at the start of January. So far the guy has made a huge amount of effort on our dates, been incredibly generous - paying for tickets for ice skating and taking me out for dinner. Very good and staying in touch in between dates. Basically doing all the right things and saying the right things. He knows I’m tentative about dating him as we live in different countries and he has tried reassuring me. But yesterday after our 2nd date, I decided I couldn’t put my heart on the line. So I told him I liked him a lot, enjoyed his company but the fact we live in different countries and have different lives (he has no kids) is a problem for me.

I feel incredibly sad, but I just don’t know if I can take the risk despite how lovely he is.

Any words of wisdom? Have I done the right thing?

OP posts:
CourtneyLoveIsMySpiritAnimal · 15/12/2017 14:55

So you've only been on two dates

According to the OP, they've only been on one date Hmm

I wouldn't worry about it, tbh. You barely know the bloke. I don't think you can make any life changing decisions after one date.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 15/12/2017 14:58

I’ve been on two dates. And yes it is early days, I’m not stupid. But I don’t see the point of wasting my time with someone if they live in a different country. Especially if I have a young child (who isn’t even three yet) I don’t have the money to go backwards and forwards to see someone.

OP posts:
Runningoutofusernames · 15/12/2017 15:00

Your posts read like you want us to help you reconsider.

  1. You have a link with his country already
  2. You actually want to move
  3. He is kind, considerate, wants a family, financially stable
  4. It's only been 2 dates, you're not getting engaged and buying a one way ticket just yet!

I understand the drive to be close to family, but it's early days yet - and might they be horrified if they knew that you might be chucking in a potentially long and happy future, because you'd be a few hours flight away? And with more money, those types of logistics get easier.
Surely a few more dates are in order....

Wallywobbles · 15/12/2017 15:05

DH and i talked marriage almost immediately. And I never imagined I'd ever feel like that again. Both previously married with kids. I ended up moving our lives to him.

Give it a try. If the sex is good and your kid likes him it could be the future. As things currently stand circumstances are going to mean it progresses relatively slowly. It took us 3 years to find a route that worked.

Don't not live your life because of your parents.

Tinselistacky · 15/12/2017 15:06

The ldr that I walked away from is one of my biggest regrets.
The what ifs will eat away at you.

May as well be in it I say!!
It sounds a marvelous journey for you and your dd to share with an amazing sounding man!

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 15/12/2017 15:08

Thank you everyone, you’ve helped me see things more clearly. Only issue is the message I sent him last night which he has yet to reply to. I basically told him I liked him, enjoyed his company. But the issue is us living in different countries and having really different lives. Normally he is good at replying, but he hasn’t responded. So may be sick of me being overly cautious.

OP posts:
Offred · 15/12/2017 15:17

I think you have made the right choice TBH.

Sounds like you haven’t worked through stuff to do with your ex.

This means a. You have a higher likelihood of getting into a shit relationship and b. No matter how perfect anyone you meet might be your ex issues could mess everything up.

This is not the only man in the world.

TheFifthKey · 15/12/2017 15:30

I’m a lone parent, and last year I decided I didn’t want a serious relationship. Don’t have the time or space, don’t want to get hurt, don’t want men coming into my DC’s lives.

So in the summer when the DC were with their dad for the holidays, I went on tinder. Just for fun, just to date a bit during the summer. Met a guy straight away and hit it off - but he was only here for a few weeks and then back to where he lived and worked, 4000 miles away. Which suited me! A nice summer romance and then back to real life.

Except we couldn’t quite manage that, and, to cut a long story short, he’s just moved back to the UK. Not just for me - but wanting to make our relationship work was part of it. If people want something they tend to find a way!

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 15/12/2017 15:30

I’m not in love with my ex. He isn’t the issue and I’ve been single for nearly 4 years! I’ve resolved any issues I have. But I’m naturally very cautious because I like someone who is living in another country.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 15/12/2017 15:31

The FifthKey you sound like me! I met him on Tinder too! Did you have any freak out moments like me? I feel I’ve made a bit of a mess of it already.

OP posts:
slothface · 15/12/2017 15:39

At one point I would have said you should go for it and see what happens, but I've entered into things where practical, emotional and logistical factors are all against us thinking sod it, if we like each other we'll work it out. We did not work it out and every time, unequivocally, it ended in disaster. I really admire you for taking such a difficult decision, I wish I had the strength to do that.

However, if he keeps in touch and seems to be going all out to make an effort to prove to you he'll put the legwork in to make things work and really wants to be with you, I might be inclined to reconsider in your position, especially as you say your dream is to move there. Regardless of him, you shouldn't let what you feel are obligations hold you back from living your dreams if they're achieveable.

TheFifthKey · 15/12/2017 15:40

Oh god, I’ve freaked the hell out, both in my head and to him! I keep saying, I didn’t even want a boyfriend!

But you can take it a day or a week at a time. What’s happening now doesn’t have to be forever. It’s ok just to go with it and see what happens.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 15/12/2017 15:40

Just something you might like to consider....DD's dad was on his way to Australia when you met, this man lives in another country, albeit one you have links with. Just wondering if its more than coincidence that they are less 'available' geographically... in that you are subconsciously finding men who have obstacles iuswim, which makes it more difficult to commit. Wondering if on some level you are frightened of the commitment, and it might be worth exploring this, maybe with a counsellor or wise friend?

TheFifthKey · 15/12/2017 15:41

And Slothface makes a good point about his effort. In my case, BF has made all the effort! I’ve never cajoled or persuaded him into anything. The opposite, even. I keep trying to talk him out of liking me!

twiney · 15/12/2017 15:41

You've made a mistake. Call him inmediately!

Offred · 15/12/2017 15:44

IMO you clearly haven’t worked out your issues re ex because you said this; I have built up huge walls and this represents a risk I’m not sure my nerves can handle.

rainbowskittles · 15/12/2017 15:45

You need to text him and tell him you changed your mind!

Seriously, I read this entire thread at the edge of my seat. You don't get many chances like this in life, take it! X

Offred · 15/12/2017 15:47

That says to me that you still have issues re being vulnerable in a relationship and specifically in this proposed relationship.

If you are doing dating do dating. Passing up someone because you see yourself wanting more is actually part of that. If you can’t handle that don’t date.

Aminuts23 · 15/12/2017 15:51

Go for it OP! Why not? It’s christmas 🎄

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 15/12/2017 16:02

Ofred, I think making yourself vulnerable at the start of a relationship is hard for anyone. I’m capable of doing it but this to be is high risk. LDR are very difficult. My friend was in one and it worked out for her but she did warn me how difficult it is.

My daughters father didn’t tell me at first about Australia, he didn’t want to scare me off - I just liked him straight away and was attracted to him. Nothing more then that.

The same goes for this guy too. I’m attracted to him as he is gorgeous, kind, lovely and seems to try to make me happy. Im not attracted to people who live in other countries so I don’t have to commit.

I WANTED a child with my ex and I wanted to marry him. He just wasn’t ready for it.

I don’t know about sending this guy a message after what I’ve done. Part of me feels if he genuinely wants to make this work, then he will fight to keep this going? He has been the one trying to convince me so far.

OP posts:
user1497997754 · 15/12/2017 16:09

i think you should contact him and apologise for being so rash...which you have. Explain to him how you feel about everything and say that you would like to date but have concerns for the future of the relationship....he could always buy a place close to you if he is that wealthy should things progress and get serious.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 15/12/2017 16:46

I send a message apologising and explaining my behaviour. No idea if he will respond 😬😬

OP posts:
mickhucknallspinkpancakes · 15/12/2017 17:01

Hello from Switzerland op!

Another one who thinks you should give it a go.

It's an hour on the plane and it's accessible by Easyjet.

Of course you have different lifestyles at the moment, also the standard of living and salaries are so high (and taxes so low) that everyone here seems pretty rich to the rest of Europe!

If I'd lived here for the last 10 years without a child and an expensive divorce I'd be pretty wealthy now too. He had only had himself to pay for so his lifestyle will look good. Before I had a DC and lived in London I had a lovely apartment and a car not full of crisp wrappers WinkGrin

Doesn't mean he wants to stay the eternal bachelor does it.,?

With a LDR you can take things at your pace, if he's happy to do that.

I'd just take each moment as it comes - it's very early days and you obviously aren't interested in anyone else.

Plus if your half Swiss you'll know all about their special "ways" Grin

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 15/12/2017 17:06

Hey Mick!

Lovely to hear from a fellow Swiss person! I’m just not too sure if I have made a mess with this so early on. I’ve sent him a message apologising, telling him why I sent it and that I had a mini freak out. I would hope if he was genuine then he would understand?

OP posts:
Offred · 15/12/2017 17:08

You wanted a baby and marriage in a 4 month relationship?! Shock

I can understand you wanting to keep the baby when you got pregnant and that the idea of marriage might seem attractive once you were pregnant but that is not the same as wanting those things with someone you barely know.

Yes, it is challenging for all people to be vulnerable but it was specifically because you said that you had ‘built up walls’ and that is why you don’t want a LDR.

That remains the truth.

But that said, you have form for getting carried away with someone unavailable and then being hurt, it does seem that you are repeating the same mistake again with this guy (you have met twice and you are talking about moving to his country and how perfect he is).