Walked away from something potentially wonderful

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

Last night I walked away from potentially a great man, I just hope I’ve made the right decision 😞

Zoom back about 4 years ago, I met my daughters father who was about to leave to leave to move to Australia. We had a fantastic relationship for about 4 months, I fell pregnant - he ran.

I decided to have my daughter and we have a great life, I have a job, own my own house which I purchased this year and comfortable.

I decided earlier this year to start dating again. Understandably I’m fussy, I have a little girl to think about so I’m being careful. Finally I met someone I actually wanted to spend time, and they live in Switzerland 😩 I know it well as I have family there. So have a lot in common, share similar values and views, dreams etc he has no children of his own. He leaves to go back home at the start of January. So far the guy has made a huge amount of effort on our dates, been incredibly generous - paying for tickets for ice skating and taking me out for dinner. Very good and staying in touch in between dates. Basically doing all the right things and saying the right things. He knows I’m tentative about dating him as we live in different countries and he has tried reassuring me. But yesterday after our 2nd date, I decided I couldn’t put my heart on the line. So I told him I liked him a lot, enjoyed his company but the fact we live in different countries and have different lives (he has no kids) is a problem for me.

I feel incredibly sad, but I just don’t know if I can take the risk despite how lovely he is.

Any words of wisdom? Have I done the right thing?

CourtneyLoveIsMySpiritAnimal
I wouldn't worry about it, tbh. You barely know the bloke. I don't think you can make any life changing decisions after one date.

I agree.

After two dates how well do you really think you know this man? Obviously not well enough to move to another country and really too soon to introduce him to your child

Offred my ex is someone I saw myself marrying in the future. Not after just 4 months. The baby wasn’t planned, but I don’t regret it.

I have absolutely no plan anytime soon to move to Switzerland anytime soon!!! It’s just something I would consider in the future as it was my dream BEFORE I met him. Stop trying to analyse me!! Stop twisting my words.

Where on earth have you read I’m moving to his country and introducing him to my child? I ended things - or did you miss that point? Logistically I thought it wouldn’t work so didn’t work to invest my time in it any further.

Cherryblossom, I met my now-DH online 10 years ago... He proposed when we'd been dating just three months! Early.on, though, I had a MAJOR wobble... I got nervous, tried to cool things off, felt frightened and unsure. I very nearly broke up.with him! Fortunately, he actually told me that having a wobble was perfectly normal... I was just dazed by the speed at which we seemed to be falling for each other. It sounds like you've made an overture to your new man to explain your message. Now, get away from texts. See him. Talk to him. I'll never forget the conversation I had with my now-DH in a Starbucks when we got real and talked like our future depended on it...because it did. He was so patient and understanding. Give your new man a chance (I, too, think your emotions may be overshadowed by what happened previously, but that is no recipe for what is to come). And good luck!!! (I now live in UK with DH and I'm American.)

Ah Eden what a lovely story 😊 I told him that I’ve not been with anyone for over 3 years and that he is he first person I’ve met who I actually like, that the whole LDR is complicated and that DD’s father left to go to Australia leaving us - hence why I had my wobble. I sent the message about 3 hours ago and he hasn’t responded.

He may think I’m bonkers or just can’t be hassled with it. But then I guess it wasn’t meant to be. If he truly wanted to give it a shot he would understand? I hope he doesn’t ignore my message, I would find that very rude!

Erm, you've only met for two dates and you're discussing relocating etc? I would slow things down considerably - why the rush? Try a long distance relationship - it doesn't sound like you have any other choice if you value stability.

EdenRose what a lovely story!!

I’m unsure if he will get back to me now after what I said. He may not accept my apology and just think I’m bonkers. I would have hoped he would be understanding of by I freaked out.

So far he’s read my message but not responded 😟

I think you should start by kicking him off that pedestal!
He keeps in touch between dates? (well, there's only been 2...) that's a basic. Nothing to shout about.

And whilst I'm a big advocate of going Dutch for early dating personally, paying for ice skating and dinner is not "incredibly generous". It's pretty bog standard actually. Less generous if he's wealthy (though no less kind).

So let's keep in perspective that he's just a man who has started off on the right foot!

You don't need to decide about relocating now - either of you.

I travel a lot for work and I have a young child. My fiancé has gone to the sane office for 20 years and his kids have flown the nest. When we decided to date, we discussed it - if he wanted someone who would one day be at his side every night, it wasn't me. If he didn't want to be thrown back into small kids around the house - I wasn't for him. He works Saturdays, always will in his retail industry. I had to decide - do I want that? Sounds shallow, but actually it's a PITA not being able to do weekends away often as that's something I love!
We also established on date 2 that neither of us wanted more children.

All that is less difficult than a LDR. But it was all things we couldn't change - and if the other didn't want that in their future, then there was no point in even starting. It didn't matter that it was only date 2.

If both of you know that in principle you would move, and if both of you are in principle OK with a relationship where you're not together every night - fine, give it a go.

He replied! And wow what a fantastic reply, he said I shouldn’t apologise and that I completely understands why I sent my message after what has happened to me. He said he spent all day thinking about me, bless. I feel I’ve done the right thing!

Thank you all so much for your help. I feel I did the right thing explaining my behaviour and now feel comfortable to move forward ‘slowly’ with this...I’m really happy!

Watch this space! x

Cherry I'm so happy for you I knew he would reply like that! Call it virtual stranger gut instinct 😂

Thanks Rainbow. I think he is worth the potential challenges which comes with a LDR.

I have to agree with Ofred, this is way too much after two dates. You got cold feet and bolted because he lives in a different country, that’s understandable. You do not know him! Dating is the process for getting to know him. You knew your Ex for all of five minutes before getting pregnant but yet you knew you wanted to marry him and have children. Everyone talks the talk at the start of a relationship, you present an idealistic image of yourself that’s hard to keep up after time if it’s not who you are naturally.

Waiting 3 years since your last relationship doesn’t mean shit, you’ve identified (quite accurately) and displayed character traits where you latch on to men incredibly quickly. Being single for so long hasn’t changed that behaviour if it’s being repeated.

Take it slow and do the bloddy work. If you have identified personality traits that you’re concerned about, then take the time to work through them.

Your first instincts were correct given that you have a child and you know you have a tendency to fall hard. Now you have another bite of the cherry, don’t let the very high pedestal you’ve placed this man on blind you to the realities of real life.