How to get through Christmas - NC with narcissistic mother

[purplewild60]

I’m the daughter of a narcissistic mother and have been NC for the last year after a horrendous series of events last Christmas that brought years of abuse to a head.

I started a thread on MumsNet about this situation and got some great support which helped me get through it at the time. I'm hoping for some more advice now. Here's the original thread:-

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2812097-How-do-I-make-my-narcissistic-mother-leave-my-flat

As a summary, I am NC with my mother because:-

• Her controlling behaviour has been escalating for years. After each argument she would make me “pay back” by giving some form of control over to her e.g. she began making me write and sign pieces of paper promising to give her all of my money, that everything I owned was hers etc

• She financially abused me, took all of my savings (which she made me put in her name) and put my accounts into overdraft on purpose.

• When I asked her not to visit me and changed the locks, she got a locksmith to come and change them again, locked me out and I had to ask the police to evict her from my flat.

It's been a good year overall, since going NC I have mostly gotten my life on track. I have moved, my work is stable, my finances are in order, I have good friends to count on. I sought some therapy but after a few months got to a point when I couldn’t see beyond what had happened, and figure out what to do next. I stopped counselling as I felt I was going around in circles but have made no headway on my own either.

For the last 6 months I have mainly been surviving by compartmentalising things and concentrating on everythingelse in my life, However the guilt and anxiety about my estrangement is always there. I constantly worry about what to do next and wondering if I will know when the time is right to try and re-establish contact with her.

At this point I should say that although I have been NC with her, she has been trying on and off to contact me up until April this year, after which point she also became NC. These are the things she's been doing:-

• Tried to open two bank accounts in my name, I only realised when I got welcome letters from the banks. I reported both as fraud and am now on a fraud caution list. This has negatively affected my credit score.

• Called the parents of two old friends from school - one of whom now lives across the world, crying and telling them I am a terrible daughter, asking them to make me get in touch with her. I had not told these friends about my situation so was forced to reveal everything to them and their parents, apologise for the ordeal my mother put them through and ask them not to take her calls.

• Sent several parcels in the post to my dad (they are divorced). In the parcels, she has essentially sent back everything from my old room at home. The most upsetting things are old family photos in which she has torn herself out, just sending the ripped up half with me or my dad in.

All of these things probably objectively suggest that she really hasn't changed. There has been no remorse shown or any direct contact where she's asked me to talk things through.

As Christmas approaches, she is forever on my mind and I am finding it harder and harder to keep things together in front of others. Even now, very few people actually know about my problems with my mother and I am spending Christmas with my partner's whole family where only he and his mother know about all of this. I am really scared that I'm going to fall apart in this situation and it is negatively affecting my feelings about Christmas with his family which I know is unfair.

I also really feel the need to reach out to her at this time, but I just don't know how - this is also making me extremely anxious and depressed when thinking about the upcoming holidays. I have been trying for months to write her a letter but I have not managed to put anything constructive down on paper. I don't know whether this is because I am not going about things in the right way or whether it's a sign that I am not ready yet. It's just breaking my heart knowing that it's almost a year since we last saw each other, that she's probably alone at Christmas, I don't know how she is and I still don't know how to help her.

Can anyone give my some advice on how to get through NC during the holidays and any suggestions on how to re-establish contact with a mother like this while staying safe and maintaining boundaries?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can hear the heartbreak in your post. I have to say, gently, that if you feel badly for her and think you can in any way maintain boundaries with her, you are still in the FOG. I truly don't believe this is a person you can have a safe relationship with. She is so far beyond the point of acceptable behavior that words fail me.

Hopefully someone who has been in a similar situation will come along with some sound advice.

How awful. You sound very clear-headed to have decided to go NC so my advice is to keep focusing on that decision being good. She will not have changed.

Perhaps write a letter to her but throw it away or burn it?

I know you said that therapy just seemed like it was going round in circles, but please give it another try. This is my pretty normal, I think. You are trying to rewrite years of horrendous conditioning, and find your own voice again after having it drowned out by that of your mothers. It is going to take more than a few months to sort all this out in your head.

It seems like you still think or hope your mum is capable of some kind of change. From everything I have read about her, she is full on - way beyond anything I have read on here before. I’m not sure she is capable of remorse or compassion.

Please stay NC with her. From everything you have says, nothing has changed. Please focus on healing yourself and living your life without her. Please get more help. You sound utterly broken - this woman has broken you. Please don’t put yourself in the position of being further abused by this woman

You don't have to write that letter today or tomorrow or any time soon (or ever) Push this problem away for the next few weeks at least and enjoy a Christmas away from your toxic mum ( and a life away from her). You are doing fantastically well, you owe her nothing, help, nurture and cherish yourself and, like pp says, maybe reconsider returning to counselling in the new year.

She is awful and abusive.

All of these things probably objectively suggest that she really hasn't changed. There has been no remorse shown or any direct contact where she's asked me to talk things through.

This is the crux of it for me. She hasn’t changed. It’s unlikely to the point of impossible that she will. Keep talking to your partner, wider family, friends, a therapist about this to heal and understand yourself. She has been really abusive and it’ll take you time to understand and reflect.

Anniversaries are really hard, the first birthday with out someone and definitely the first Christmas. It is a grieving process, you are no longer in the relationship. Also accepting that you will never have the relationship you want with your mother even if you get back in contact. So you have grief for no contact and grief for a relationship that can never be. When the media is full of happy families gathered together it is difficult if you don't have that in your life.
In terms of future contact, what if anything has changed? If nothing has changed the outcomes will not be any different if you were to restart contact. What would the benefits of contact be for you?

Oh you poor love. What an utter b**ch. you don’t deserve a mother like that and it is so unfair.

Unfortunately, you (like many of us here) really got the short straw).

I can’t stress enough, don’t contact her. No matter how bad you are feeling now, it will make it worse.

Definitely look into counselling again, but with someone else. Sometimes you go as far as you are going to go with one person. A change of person might help you get out of that cycle.

Unfortunately it is an incredibly long process, I am over 10 yrs on from my narc realisation and still dealing with the fall out. Will probably be 10 yrs more. But my god it’s worth it.

As for Christmas. Time to start your own traditions. Hot chocolate. Lovely bath stuff. Expensive food. Your favourite movies. Everything and anything you want to show that you are worth the love and attention and pampering.

I don’t think I have ever read a story where the mother has so emeshed their daughter into an extension of themselves like your mother.

Mine certainly tried. So I have some understanding, but she dropped me like a brick when I put up my boundaries. Hopefully yours will get there too, when she realises you aren’t giving in.

Keep posting here. Plenty here know how you are feeling.

You've some good advice here. You don't owe her anything and there's no reason why you can't give a short explanation as suggested as to why you're NC.

I think it's very clear that you should stay NC. there's no need to get back in touch and risk further hardship.

It is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist. They will try and ignore and or otherwise trample over any boundary you care to set as well.

It is not your fault she is like this, you did not make her this way. Her own family of origin did that.

Remain no contact with your mother; you need to maintain radio silence. It will put you right back to square one if you contact her by any means. Any letter you write her no matter how nicely worded will be used by her against you and you will see her full narcissistic rage in full flow yet again. It is of no point whatsoever in writing her a letter unless you write it all down and then shred it afterwards.

Your last two paragraphs are your own fear, obligation and guilt talking; three of many damaging legacies such disordered of thinking people leave their now adult children. Work on your own FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) more through seeing a therapist and a therapist at that who is highly versed in the ways of narcissistic families. You have been trained really from soon after birth to serve her and putting your own needs and wants last. Do read as well the website entitled daughters of narcissistic mothers.

Not surprised to see that her H is now an ex H; such women cannot do relationships at all. These men are either as narcissistic as they are or discarded when of no further use to them.

Your mother has not changed one iota since you going no contact with her and she will not change. Abuse like you have experienced with her thrives on secrecy; tell others about her too. This is not your shame to carry; that is all hers. People like your mother also never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Some websites to look at:-

outofthefog.website/personality-disorders-1/2015/12/6/narcissistic-personality-disorder-npd

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

Firstly, what you are experiencing is normal. It's grief and loss. When you are feeling terrible repeat those words to yourself. Say out loud "I am grieving".

Your mother hasn't died but realistically the relationship you want and need isn't possible with this person so the loss is just as real as bereavement, but ambiguous and complex.

Secondly, feeling that you can make a difference to your mother is natural but the fact is that you can't, and if you keep trying you are damaging you BOTH. She'll end up being arrested.

Thirdly, you know Christmas will be hard so be very easy on yourself. Make sure you have an escape route planned in case you need it. Allow yourself to feel sad if you need to. Make sure your hosts know that you might need time out. Next Christmas will be better.

You poor thing.
You must be going through a lot of pain.
Please try therapy again.

She is incapable if change and of seeing things from your pov. She doesnt empathise with you, she can't. Its heartbreaking and you will grieve for the mother you wanted and deserved but can never have.
You will start to get through the overwhelming feelings you have now. I was where you are now but back in March. My parents are no where near as abusive as your mum so I can only imagine how you feel.
You need to concentrate on yourself. Find out who you are without her.
Have you been on the stately homes thread? There's some book recommendations at the start of that thread. Toxic parents by Susan Forward was where I began and it helped.
If you're having a bad time and need to speak to someone feel free to pm.

Change? Love, your mum can't change. Her treatment of you isn't personal, strange though that seems, it's the result of her disordered personality. The damage to your mum happened long before you came on the scene and you can't help her, or cure her, and she can't change how she acts round you.

All you can do is keep yourself safe.

Take Christmas 1 day at a time. Afterwards try some counselling again to get past your guilt.

I remember your last thread btw and am so glad you are nc. Be kind to yourself.

OP, it's so difficult isn't it? But as others have said you are still grieving and need more time. You've done so well and as you say, you've mostly gotten your life back on track. Your head will gradually clear and you can lead a normal life with normal problems and normal happy times. I've been NC with my parents for 10 years now and honestly, it's bliss. Haven't seen them for 17 years and haven't phoned for 10. There is no need for you to write, you owe her nothing. Please don't write to this abusive "mother" or you will then have to start all over again. I last phoned my "mum" 10 years ago. This was because I had cancer and was feeling vulnerable, hoping she would miraculously become a real mum. The first thing she snapped at me was "where the hell have you been?" I told her about the cancer and she proceeded to talk about herself for 15 minutes. At the end, I just meekly said goodbye. In a way, that helped to make the final break. Keep strong, you can do this. You're also grieving for not having a nice, normal mum so its twofold. Spoil yourself over xmas and be proud of what you've achieved.

I remember your last thread OP, it’s an awful situation to be in. It’s so difficult grieving for someone who is still alive

I too am NC with my mother, her behaviour can be appalling but in other ways (the way your mother behaves is beyond anything my mother has ever done) and it’s eating me alive that she’s going to be totally alone at Christmas.

I don’t think she sounds like she feels any remorse for her actions, everything she is doing is to continue negatively impacting your life and the embarrass you. I don’t think any good can come from contacting her. It will open the door to her starting her antics again and then you will have to start NC all over again.

Holidays are particularly hard when its shoved down your neck about how you should spend it with family and no one should be lonely at Christmas. I keep seeing threads about loneliness and can’t bare to look at them as I feel it’s my fault that she is lonely as I initiated NC, even though her behaviour was the reason.

I had my 2nd child recently and she has never even met him, she didn’t even know he was a boy. The NC was initiated this time the day before his gender reveal as something came up on the scan and she made it all about her and didn’t care what was wrong with him, she never even found out as she never asked.

The one piece of golden advice I can pass along was said by a wise ole Mumsnetter. You are NOT responsible for other people’s behaviour. That was like a lightbulb moment for me. She will never be the mother you want her to be so don’t waste your energy trying to have the relationship you want when it drains you so badly.

I hope your Christmas is wonderful with your partners family, and please don’t keep quiet about what you’re going through. It’s not your fault and having the support of others will make a huge difference.

Also the book you’re not crazy, it’s your mother helped me greatly.

www.amazon.co.uk/Youre-Not-Crazy-Your-Mother/dp/0232529299/ref=nodl_

I also really feel the need to reach out to her at this time, but I just don't know how

If you reach out to her then it's 99% likely that you will get back into the same situation. Your mother will almost certainly take over your money and your life again. She believes she owns you. It will place immense strain on your relationship with your partner.

The longing for a loving mum never quite goes away, I think, but you don't have a loving mum. You have an owner.

You escaped once. Don't put your head back into the trap.

It's nto the end of the world if you fall apart at Christmas actually. Better than going back into the situation a year ago. Especially as yoru partner's mum know what has happened. It might be an idea to talk over your feeling swith her, if you think she could be wise.

I do think you need some more - skilled - therapy.

Thank you all so much for your advice. I am really touched to have your support. Not sure if it's a good thing or not that some of you remember my story from last Christmas. I guess it is such an extreme and odd story it must stick in your memory!

I feel a lot better, just by getting some of my feelings off my chest. It's been creeping up on me as the time gets closer, as I've been on/off miserable for the last month.

Have had a more candid chat with my partner about the whole thing, and think I'll be able to get through Christmas with his support. We also talked about continuing NC over this time. As guilty as I feel, I just can't face opening that door again at Christmas. I can understand all your points of view about remaining NC, and my head says it will probably be no use, but my heart still wants to give it one more try. I think I'll wait for the New Year though, have some therapy again and then plan a way to break NC safely...

I remember your thread. I would never break NC with her.

Do you miss having a mother, or do you miss her?

Definitely see a counsellor. This is understandably eating you up but reconnecting is unlikely to end well and will hurt you and probably your partner as well. Its really sad but from what you have said, neither you or your mother can get what you need out of the relationship.

Went NC a few years ago with my Mother, am being hounded again because it is coming up to xmas, stay strong. You really cannot afford to get sucked in again for your own sanity.

Just be prepared that there may not be a way to safely re-connect with your mother. Actually I think that there is no chance but i’m not a therapist. Please take care of yourself!

I can see you’ve worked through this and see that you’re more than justified to remain NC. It would be a disaster to let her get her toe back in the door to your life.

I’ve been there, going nc with your mother hurts like nothing else.

You have not made your decision lightly, nobody makes this decision lightly. NOBODY.

Your mother for whatever reason WILL ruin your life for her own goals.

You have told us she’s still up to her old tricks, until she’s accepted that she has no right to interfere in your life, that she’s done you immense wrongs, there’s no way you should have anything to do with her.

I don’t think she’ll ever change. I know you wish she would, I wish MY mother would, Ive been really clear about what it would take to resolve it - a recognition and an apology... neither will ever come. She’s had chances.

Stay strong, keep Nc. I’m so glad you have your dp by your side

Christmas IS the hardest time of your for us who are NC With family

I'm NC with my mother after physical abuse from her towards me which I put up with then she did it to my little boy and I've been NC since. I desperately wanted her to change and she didn't so for our sakes I have to be NC but you have to do it all the time. It's hard but worth it. I go away with my family now at Christmas to get away from it, I get begging emails but I've made the mistake of giving in before and won't again. She won't change, I asked a therapist and they said I had to go NC.