I’m the daughter of a narcissistic mother and have been NC for the last year after a horrendous series of events last Christmas that brought years of abuse to a head.
I started a thread on MumsNet about this situation and got some great support which helped me get through it at the time. I'm hoping for some more advice now. Here's the original thread:-
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2812097-How-do-I-make-my-narcissistic-mother-leave-my-flat
As a summary, I am NC with my mother because:-
- Her controlling behaviour has been escalating for years. After each argument she would make me “pay back” by giving some form of control over to her e.g. she began making me write and sign pieces of paper promising to give her all of my money, that everything I owned was hers etc
- She financially abused me, took all of my savings (which she made me put in her name) and put my accounts into overdraft on purpose.
- When I asked her not to visit me and changed the locks, she got a locksmith to come and change them again, locked me out and I had to ask the police to evict her from my flat.
It's been a good year overall, since going NC I have mostly gotten my life on track. I have moved, my work is stable, my finances are in order, I have good friends to count on. I sought some therapy but after a few months got to a point when I couldn’t see beyond what had happened, and figure out what to do next. I stopped counselling as I felt I was going around in circles but have made no headway on my own either.
For the last 6 months I have mainly been surviving by compartmentalising things and concentrating on everythingelse in my life, However the guilt and anxiety about my estrangement is always there. I constantly worry about what to do next and wondering if I will know when the time is right to try and re-establish contact with her.
At this point I should say that although I have been NC with her, she has been trying on and off to contact me up until April this year, after which point she also became NC. These are the things she's been doing:-
- Tried to open two bank accounts in my name, I only realised when I got welcome letters from the banks. I reported both as fraud and am now on a fraud caution list. This has negatively affected my credit score.
- Called the parents of two old friends from school - one of whom now lives across the world, crying and telling them I am a terrible daughter, asking them to make me get in touch with her. I had not told these friends about my situation so was forced to reveal everything to them and their parents, apologise for the ordeal my mother put them through and ask them not to take her calls.
- Sent several parcels in the post to my dad (they are divorced). In the parcels, she has essentially sent back everything from my old room at home. The most upsetting things are old family photos in which she has torn herself out, just sending the ripped up half with me or my dad in.
All of these things probably objectively suggest that she really hasn't changed. There has been no remorse shown or any direct contact where she's asked me to talk things through.
As Christmas approaches, she is forever on my mind and I am finding it harder and harder to keep things together in front of others. Even now, very few people actually know about my problems with my mother and I am spending Christmas with my partner's whole family where only he and his mother know about all of this. I am really scared that I'm going to fall apart in this situation and it is negatively affecting my feelings about Christmas with his family which I know is unfair.
I also really feel the need to reach out to her at this time, but I just don't know how - this is also making me extremely anxious and depressed when thinking about the upcoming holidays. I have been trying for months to write her a letter but I have not managed to put anything constructive down on paper. I don't know whether this is because I am not going about things in the right way or whether it's a sign that I am not ready yet. It's just breaking my heart knowing that it's almost a year since we last saw each other, that she's probably alone at Christmas, I don't know how she is and I still don't know how to help her.
Can anyone give my some advice on how to get through NC during the holidays and any suggestions on how to re-establish contact with a mother like this while staying safe and maintaining boundaries?