Infidelity, forgiveness & moving forward

[RadioFrog]

About 15 months ago I was unfaithful. I deeply regretted this, told DH and apologised. I had felt emotionally neglected which I know is no excuse- but sought comfort elsewhere and things went too far. It only happened once, I realised it was a path to disaster and ended contact with OM.

Naturally DH was devastated when I told him but said he loved me, wanted to save the relationship & would forgive me- and that he respected my honesty in telling him, and we would work things out.

For a few months our relationship seemed to get stronger. We communicated more & both agreed to be totally honest in future about our feelings. I suggested counselling but he said he was fine, he didn't need it. However I went ahead with counselling alone to try to work through the issues I had which contributed to the infidelity, and this work is ongoing with weekly sessions.

However, if troubles me that DH continues to mention the infidelity whenever we have any disagreement/ argument - even though he promised not to. I can understand his hurt, but feel upset he keeps bringing it up while we are trying to move forward and repair the relationship- it's as if every time I do anything which he disagrees with - he will mention it and call me derogatory names in 'punishment'.

He will also betas me for going to therapy saying it's not doing any good and making light of the fact I have MH issues.

Is he BU to do this?

I know I was in the wrong but I chose to tell him in the hope of making the relationship better / having a fresh start.

He’s a better man than most for trying again after your abhorrent behaviour.

He is. But he had a choice to walk away?

OP - my ex-DP cheated. It ate me up. I asked a lot of questions, but actually never even wanted the answers. We didn't last. He never reassured me though looking back. I think if your DH wants to make this work, he definitely needs to see a counsellor. He needs to be in the strongest frame of mind to make a decision either way.

I disagree at the way he is treating you though. And as I've been where he is, I still would not condone it

He needs the answer to his questions regardless of whether you think it's going to help him or not.

The details matter to some betrayed spouses.

I have great sympathy for you Husband.... I hope He finds the closure he needs to move forward.. whether it be with or without You OP

I agree with loobyloo. He needs support, and also to make a decision. Of course he can't treat you like this 'as long as it takes', right now he's stuck and it's hurting him as much as you, not able to either move forward with repairing the relationship or on with separate lives. You don't say if you have dcs, but if so, guaranteed it's hurting them too.

When my DH had an affair, I hadn't wanted him to come near me for nearly a year, after a medical issue and a family bereavement left me a total mess. Was it ok he had an affair? Hell no. I've never been so angry or hurt, partly at the physical affair but more that I had no idea he was lying to me, it shook my faith in everything. But he'd also been a rock of support for a long time with little feedback from me, like you he came to me and confessed and then broke all contact, and it would have been crazy to throw away all our past - and the good future we have built together since - because of what he did. We're not stronger because of his affair, these things do linger. But we do communicate much better, and I'm glad that we could move past it. It's possible, but only if your husband wants it and if you can address your underlying issues. Good luck, and really really do try counselling.

He will also betas me for going to therapy saying it's not doing any good and making light of the fact I have MH issues

I copied this sentence from the OP because I'm not sure if every one read it. I have zero sympathy for those who mock people in therapy. None at all.

Rather than trying to do anything to move forward, he's using the affair as an excuse to be verbally and emotionally abusive. Before the affair, he didn't care about your feelings and he didn't put any effort into the relationship. After your affair, he doesn't care about your feeling or put any effort into the relationship.

If he were doing ANYTHING to work on the relationship -- trying counseling, suggesting weekend retreats, something, then I would have more sympathy. Honestly, I think at some level he is happy that you cheated because it set him up really well to be a victim while using it to wield power over you.

You really don't have to spend the rest of your life with him. I suspect that your MH would be better without him.

OP could have left the marriage anytime ... OP was unfaithful and took the decision to stay in the marriage ..... OP can WALK anytime she chooses.. it would appear she chooses not to WALK