Infidelity, forgiveness & moving forward

[RadioFrog]

About 15 months ago I was unfaithful. I deeply regretted this, told DH and apologised. I had felt emotionally neglected which I know is no excuse- but sought comfort elsewhere and things went too far. It only happened once, I realised it was a path to disaster and ended contact with OM.

Naturally DH was devastated when I told him but said he loved me, wanted to save the relationship & would forgive me- and that he respected my honesty in telling him, and we would work things out.

For a few months our relationship seemed to get stronger. We communicated more & both agreed to be totally honest in future about our feelings. I suggested counselling but he said he was fine, he didn't need it. However I went ahead with counselling alone to try to work through the issues I had which contributed to the infidelity, and this work is ongoing with weekly sessions.

However, if troubles me that DH continues to mention the infidelity whenever we have any disagreement/ argument - even though he promised not to. I can understand his hurt, but feel upset he keeps bringing it up while we are trying to move forward and repair the relationship- it's as if every time I do anything which he disagrees with - he will mention it and call me derogatory names in 'punishment'.

He will also betas me for going to therapy saying it's not doing any good and making light of the fact I have MH issues.

Is he BU to do this?

I know I was in the wrong but I chose to tell him in the hope of making the relationship better / having a fresh start.

User- sorry if you think that. I don't feel I am minimising. I said in the OP that I became close to the OM due to DH emotional coldness.

User- do you feel your relationship can be saved? What does your dp do that you find helpful in showing how sorry they are?

You should give your husband a couple of hall passes so he can feel even.

Bad hatter - what are hall passes?

I hope so

He does everything he can to reassure me and responds to every trigger and question I have. He has taken full responsibility for his actions with no blame on me or OW.

It’s still a daily struggle

User, I hope you work it out.

Have you ever asked about what OW was like in bed and how did he reply/ how should I reply to DH..? )Please feel free not to answer that if you'd rather not though)

Honestly, I'd put him out of his misery.
You can't be trusted, you shat all over your vows. Lots if people have NH issues and don't cheat.

If you were a man posting you'd get completely different responses.

No matter now much counselling you have you can't undue what you've done.

My heart - he has said he doesn't want to leave and doesn't want me to leave.

How do you suggest I put him out of his misery?

I never asked

If he has asked, you should ask him if any good will come of you answering. If he really wants to know, tell him truthfully.

A long term relationship can never compete with the excitement of an affair/new relationship.

Until he gets some professional help, he will keep using this as a stick to beat you with.
It's up to you if can live with that.
The bigger cock things etc.... is how we all feel.
We want to know what was 'better' than us to make you stray.
So you need to tell him what was better, i.e. emotionally available.
Not cold towards you etc....
Rather than the physical.
But I really think he needs counselling and then you can go together and tackle this kind of thing.
It's really hard to get over and you both need outside help to make this OK.

I think you need to show remorse in your daily behaviour and just apologising is not remorse.

Do you make him feel special?
Feel loved?
Reassure him that he's the one for you?

Are you transparent?

Whilst bringing it up in arguments isn't helpful...it's unreasonable to not expect him to mention it.

You betrayed him badly... that won't get swept under a carpet.

He says counselling isn't helping you...I suspect it's because he isn't seeing you behave in a certain way.

Do you ever tell him you are grateful he gave you a second chance?

Reconciliation is a gift...are you showing gratitude?

Or just acting like it never happened and want to keep it in the past?

You need to put his needs above yours right now.

You need to convince him you're worth a second chance.

Can you say you've done that? If so how?

Sandy, what if the thing that makes him feel special is a blow job, and then afterward asking her about OW and his dick, and calling her a slut? Where’s the line to draw that it is at least a little bit on him to try to move forward, try to not degrade or verbally abuse his wife?

Infidelity affects people differently and comparing himself to the OM is nothing unusual.

Sex will be a trigger for him. Don't underestimate the long lasting damage an affair can do...and you may have only slept with him once...but the boundaries were crossed before that....that's clear from your conversations with him.

It creates insecurities and erodes self esteem. Of course he'll wonder if the OM was better in bed...if he gave her an O or multiple...for everything he says there is plenty I'm sure he keeps to himself. He will feel emasculated...he'll feel ashamed to admit it...but he lashes out through a place of pain and hurt.... a wayward spouse needs thick skin and broad shoulders...it's not for everyone...it might not be for you or him.

If he has never been loving like the OM and is generally cold... why did you marry him?

You aren't saying he was affectionate and loving...it's not a sudden change...but marriage isn't a prison... you don't need his permission to leave.

Whether you are the betrayed or wayward spouse...leaving is slesys an option.

Maybe you need to tell him that you want to separate or straight up divorce.

Put him out of his misery by leaving.

What an awful life you are both living.

OP I agree with others about therapy. He needs to try it, at least.

@Animation86 it's ok to be angry. It's ok to show that anger- there's a cross-over into verbal abuse if it's persistent, but heat of the moment flashes of anger? No.

I think for the guilty party, it's sometimes easier to see and understand sadness than anger. Anger is harder to take. But it's normal and natural and this process isn't step by step. You aren't in denial first, then sad, then angry, then accepting, in separate stages. It goes back and forth. Time and healing aren't linear.

Therapy isn't good if the person isn't willing to go voluntarily, otherwise he'll be resistant and it will be a waste of time and money.

Betrayed spouses are often resistant to therapy for what they perceive as a mess they didn't create.

Good advice Sandy

If you weren’t getting what you wanted from him emotionally before the affair or - ever.
Why do you think he will be able to give you what you need now?.

thank you @motmot it really bothered me today

Honestly it doesn't even sound like you love him much and it sounds like you want a different type of relationship
I'm not entirely sure why you are staying other than it didn't work out with the OM

maybe ask yourself if you think you would be happier with the OM. Because if you feel it then your DH probably knows that deep down too.

I agree with the first reply in that I wouldn't have advised telling him because this is what you get. If you had already come to the decision that it was a bad idea and ended it then that could have been it. Sometimes the old adage "what you don't know doesn't hurt you" is actually true.

However, it's too late for that now. If he doesn't want counselling then that's his decision but making derogatory remarks is unhelpful and won't allow you to move forward. As for the questions he is asking, just answer no. Damage limitation.

As for splitting, permission is not needed on either side.

I’m gonna be honest, but if my husband kept answering simply “No” to my questions he’d get kicked to the kerb

I was on about the questions relating to sex

OP yes, as you know you really messed up - but I also think that if you both really want to move on then he does need to

I'd suggest going to a counsellor even by yourself (or him by himself), they will give more reasoned advice than here on MN where the party line is that an affair is an ultimate betrayal (no matter that these things don't tend to happen in a vacuum).

Fwiw I've never had an affair, but my DH did, 6 years ago. It was horrible and I absolutely wanted to throw it back at him every opportunity - and nearly had a revenge affair of my own - so I understand the sentiment, but also think that after a year you have to decide whether to move on as a couple or separately, he is putting you through hell.

He’s a better man than most for trying again after your abhorrent behaviour. You give him as long as it takes him, or end it.