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Original poster

Infidelity, forgiveness & moving forward

81 replies

RadioFrog · 13/12/2017 14:28

About 15 months ago I was unfaithful. I deeply regretted this, told DH and apologised. I had felt emotionally neglected which I know is no excuse- but sought comfort elsewhere and things went too far. It only happened once, I realised it was a path to disaster and ended contact with OM.

Naturally DH was devastated when I told him but said he loved me, wanted to save the relationship & would forgive me- and that he respected my honesty in telling him, and we would work things out.

For a few months our relationship seemed to get stronger. We communicated more & both agreed to be totally honest in future about our feelings. I suggested counselling but he said he was fine, he didn't need it. However I went ahead with counselling alone to try to work through the issues I had which contributed to the infidelity, and this work is ongoing with weekly sessions.

However, if troubles me that DH continues to mention the infidelity whenever we have any disagreement/ argument - even though he promised not to. I can understand his hurt, but feel upset he keeps bringing it up while we are trying to move forward and repair the relationship- it's as if every time I do anything which he disagrees with - he will mention it and call me derogatory names in 'punishment'.

He will also betas me for going to therapy saying it's not doing any good and making light of the fact I have MH issues.

Is he BU to do this?

I know I was in the wrong but I chose to tell him in the hope of making the relationship better / having a fresh start.

OP posts:
Original poster
RadioFrog · 13/12/2017 16:29

Noodle, I would welcome an amicable trial separation to see if it helps either of us -- but whenever I suggest anything like that he gets aggressive and angry.

OP posts:
theredjellybean · 13/12/2017 16:30

My dp's ex wife continued for five years with every argument or disagreement ending with her bringing up his infidelity. From arguments over the act itself to choosing a holiday destination... He had cheated so she got to be in the right for evermore. This and hyper vigilance made him, her and their children so very unhappy.

18 months or so is not that long but it does not sound like your dh has managed to process or deal with it at all in that time.

Honestly op... Will he of you give it longer? Or will it be the stick he uses for the rest of your marriage to beat you with?

Original poster
RadioFrog · 13/12/2017 16:33

I don't know jellybean :(

My DH is acting exactly like your dp ex wife though... I am "'always" in the wrong or the one who should back down.... excuse if that one act.

He has hurt me too in other ways over the course of our 11 year marriage, with lying and broken promises if not infidelity. It's not like he's perfect., and neither am I . But I don't keep harping on about what he's done to hurt me.

OP posts:
noodleaddict · 13/12/2017 16:33

Sorry cross posted a bit there. I know how hard forgiveness is having been on that side too. However if the betrayal keeps being used as a weapon in arguments etc that is not forgiveness. Some people can't forgive and that's fine. I think people are too quick sometimes to say 'I forgive you' for the sake of saving the relationship when in reality it is not that easy to do.

Original poster
RadioFrog · 13/12/2017 16:33

*because of that one act
(Auto correct)

OP posts:
BrokenBattleDroid · 13/12/2017 16:34

Maybe a response like "there just isn't a right answer to those sort of questions so I'm not sure it's a good idea to go down that road. It happened once and I'm here with you because I love you and it's the only place I want to be".

Having been on the other side I can confirm that bringing it up and apologising again off your own back is a good thing. It shows you've been thinking about your partner and the effect your actions have had on them without them making you do it. Don't ruin a special moment or anything though.

BrokenBattleDroid · 13/12/2017 16:35

He can't go on and on forever either though. If your shared goal is recovering your relationship then that's hard and takes work on both side. If he can't get passed the seething bitter stage then he needs to get help or end it.

noodleaddict · 13/12/2017 16:36

OP I imagine the reason he gets angry is because he feels like the wronged one and the betrayed party and he therefore hates the idea that you might then be the one to make the choice to end it.

Original poster
RadioFrog · 13/12/2017 16:38

Noodle, fair point. But he said he doesnt want to end it! So I'm in an impossible position - it's almost like he's saying- "no I'll stay and make you suffer.... " which doesn't feel a very adult way of dealing with it.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 13/12/2017 16:41

Op you eased your own Guilt by handing it over on a plate to your DH... he has not gotten over your betrayal... and maybe never will.. Xmas Hmm

you need to decide if you can live with this... or not Xmas Grin

Original poster
RadioFrog · 13/12/2017 16:42

Broken - thanks for posting. That's what I thought too - but PP have pointed out that when the boot is on the other food and the DH had been the cheater, the DW had the right to keep going on about it.

I imagine the DH in that hypothetical scenario would still be within his rights to end the relationship eventually if it all became too much.....although the wounded party (DW) said she didn't want to and had forgiven him...

Confused
OP posts:
Original poster
RadioFrog · 13/12/2017 16:43

Gemini you are right in a way - but in wasn't just about easing my guilt. I thought it was only fair to tell him- he then had the choice to leave (or not)... he chose not.

OP posts:
noodleaddict · 13/12/2017 16:46

He also needs to figure out if he can live with it though. I suspect only counselling will help with this. Otherwise there is no future for your relationship anyway.

HipNewName · 13/12/2017 16:50

It’s one thing to bring up an affair and want to process it, it’s another to use it as a tool to beat the spouse with.

My husband had an affair 10 years ago. Sometimes we still discuss it. I’m not verbally abusive. There’s a difference.

What was you husband like before your affair? Did he put you down, or was he just emotionally absent?

PNGirl · 13/12/2017 16:53

Oh absolutely! The person who committed the infidelity might decide that their relationship is past saving.

theredjellybean · 13/12/2017 16:55

Op... No one has a right to keep going over it... Reconciliation is a two way process... While the partner who strayed has to do the lions share of the work, the partner who has elected to stay in the relationship does have to try to work on the relationship too.

Sorry that doesn't really sound how I meant it... But basically it does sound like he wants to punish you... And maybe at 18months in you could expect him to have moved on a bit in terms of 'OK, you did that and I am still hurt but we are getting through this together and I need to start moving away from the need to punish you but I still might have bad days'

He won't go to counselling, he belittles your efforts with your own counselling, he uses abusive terms... Sorry I can't see it getting better.

You can keep doing all things a cheating spouse needs to do... But if he is not able to get past his anger then your in for a miserable time

Original poster
RadioFrog · 13/12/2017 16:56

DH had always been emotionally cold. The OM was the only person who had ever called me 'love' or said things like 'do you want a cup of tea love ' or 'you have a bath love - I'll sort dinner'. The sort of spontaneous living things you imagine you will hear when you are loved.

DH says he loves me as he looks after me and works hard - bug he is not what I would call a loving or demonstrative person.

OM was first and foremost a good friend. I did and still do love him as a friend because of his gentleness and kindness.

He is not available and has patched things up with his DP.

OP posts:
user21 · 13/12/2017 16:58

I’m 2 years on from finding out about my DHs affair.
We still talk about it almost daily and I cry most days.

Gemini69 · 13/12/2017 16:58

I thought you only strayed the once OP Xmas Hmm

he was running you baths etc ? having dinner ?

BrokenBattleDroid · 13/12/2017 16:59

I do agree with the idea that the injured party needs to be the one who dictates when they can move on, and that they may need to talk about it A LOT. But that has to have an expiry date if the relationship will survive.

It is totally OK and understandable to not be able to get over a partners affair and have it (and associated questions) going around your head, and forgiveness feeling out of reach. That was me once and it was hell. The thing is it's probably better to call it a day if it's still like that after a couple of years.

Maybe ask him what he thinks would help him feel able to move past the affair together? If there's anything still in the way of forgiveness and trust, or if he thinks he just needs time?

yetmorecrap · 13/12/2017 17:01

I think having the balls to say without prompting off your own back, 'I know I said I didnt want to talk about it' but I want to say just how very sorry I am to have really caused you this much pain, it was totally selfish and thoughtless and if I could turn back the clock I would do so in a heartbeat-- will help you both, regardless of if he/you decide to stay together or not. I find that the person who has been disloyal never bringing up remorse voluntarily (and not during a trigger or disagreement) really not helpful for healing the person who has been crapped on. You need to know that the other person has actually thought about the distress they have caused and has empathy with why you still feel angry/sad etc.

Original poster
RadioFrog · 13/12/2017 17:03

Gemini- sorry if I was unclear. I did only stray once - i.e. Was only unfaithful once.
The running a bath thing was when we were talking over the phone. And the making tea thing was when I called round as a friend. We were both unavailable but work shifts in the same intense kind of work and would be around at unsocial hours when our DPs/ DH were not. We became close - although we only DTD once after which we stopped seeing each other.

OP posts:
user21 · 13/12/2017 17:06

That sounds like a deep emotional affair though. It’s not just about DTD. It sounds like your minimising and not taking responsibility

Gemini69 · 13/12/2017 17:07

aahh I see .. understood Xmas Grin

Original poster
RadioFrog · 13/12/2017 17:07

Yetmore- that's a really helpful post - thank you.

OP posts:
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