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Relationships

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Original poster

Partner won't move in with me. Am I wrong?

59 replies

An0nny · 12/12/2017 07:27

My partner and I have a 1 year old son together and he also has two children from a previous relationship, 4 and 6 years old. At the moment I live in a 2 bed house with my son and my partner lives in a 2 bed flat separately. His children stay with him every other weekend. He says he won't move in with me into my house as there is not enough room for his children as he wants them to have a room of their own with their own furniture and toys ect as they have quite a bit of stuff at his flat now. However we cannot really afford a 3 bedroom house and I am also a little reluctant to leave my house that I'm in now. Anyway, my question is; am I in the wrong for thinking its okay for his kids to stay with us in our two bed house? As it's only every other weekend I thought we would be able to manage and work something out regarding beds. There is enough space for them to bring some of their toys and keep them at mine (they have A LOT at my partners though so it wouldn't be ALL of it). Do other people manage in a set up like that or am I just being completely unrealistic or unfair as my partner says?

OP posts:

Rotorevolution · 12/12/2017 07:30

It sounds odd this wasn’t tackled when you were pregnant. Would have been much easier for them being younger to adapt. The longer it goes on, the harder it will be. Is the second bedroom big?

JingsMahBucket · 12/12/2017 07:34

How long have you been together? How long have you known his children and vice versa? How long have both sets of children known each other?

Auspiciouspanda · 12/12/2017 07:34

Whilst it's only every other weekend I do think it it's important for a child to have somewhere permanent for themselves at their parents - however impractical. I don't think he's being unreasonable but I do think this should have been considered when you were pregnant.

RatRolyPoly · 12/12/2017 07:37

Well you certainly all could live in your two bedroom house, if you all wanted to. Except your partner doesn't want to, and I think his reasons sound fair enough.

PaintingByNumbers · 12/12/2017 07:38

Are you a genuine couple or is he more the father of your child? Was the pregnancy planned and agreed by both of you? It sounds more like he just doesnt want to live with you, like you are just a girlfriend, which I would understand except for the fact he has a child with you ...

Bluntness100 · 12/12/2017 07:40

I also wonder why you didn’t discuss your living arrangements when you decided to have a child together.

I do think it would be a little cramped with three kids in one room, especially as they get a little older. Doable but not great.

I think the bigger issue is you decided to raise a kid tougher and not live together, and now one of you doesn’t like that agreement. I’m struggling to see how if uou both maintain a two bed property why you can’t get rid of one and find a three bed one.

Have you discussed the future, marriage etc?

christmasrage · 12/12/2017 07:54

You both need to be saving hard for a bigger house. Are his DCs the same sex? Because they will only be able to share up to a certain age.
It's hard on visiting DCs to sleep in temporary beds etc when the children who live with their dad full time have proper beds and rooms. They feel like less his children.

TheNaze73 · 12/12/2017 08:03

I personally think the children have little to do with this. He just doesn’t want to live with you

deepestdarkestperu · 12/12/2017 08:06

Well I wouldn't want three kids in one room either if it all possible, especially children that aren't siblings. It has the potential to cause a lot of problems as they get older.

I also don't blame him not wanting to give up his children's home to move in with you - it doesn't give him (or them) much security if you break up.

Did you discuss living arrangements before you decided to have a child? Or was the pregnancy an accident/unplanned?

lynmilne65 · 12/12/2017 08:10

What on earth is the point of saying it should have been discussed before? It wasn't .End Of.

Thymeout · 12/12/2017 08:11

I don't think it's just the sleeping arrangements. I can see that he might think his dcs would be happier with the current set-up because when they stay with him they have their dad to themselves and he can focus entirely on them. In a blended situation, they might feel less important to him than you and his other child, since they'd only be there intermittently and would have to share him with you and their half-sibling. It would be different if he had full residency.

I'm afraid this says something about his relationship with you and his third dc. At the moment, you both come second in his priorities. Whether this might change in the future, I don't know. But I don't think I'd be planning to buy a house with him at this point.

Original poster

An0nny · 12/12/2017 08:13

The pregnancy was unplanned (I get embarrassed to talk about that as it comes with a lot of judgement). I admit we aren't in the best of set ups by any means but we have been trying to make things work. The reason we didn't move in together during my pregnancy was due to a number of factors. One being that we had only been together half a year before I got pregnant so we're still in the early stages of a relationship (in hindsight yes it would have been better if we had just moved in together) and also due to him having a few job changes there was a lot going on so we just stayed living separately. He affords his flat as he rents it from a friend at a cheaper rent than most. Having read the replies it has made me think that it is important for his children to have their own space as I wouldn't want to make them feel less important or anything.

OP posts:

Jellybean85 · 12/12/2017 08:14

It wouldn't be so bad if his kids had their own room to share at yours but they wouldn't even have that ?? Honestly parents get slated on here for moving too fast and cramming loads of kids in a room for weekend visits, making them feel like an impracticality. He sounds like he's trying to do the best for all his kids! If you want to live together you both need to start saving and looking for a 3 bed place at least

PaintingByNumbers · 12/12/2017 08:15

Sorry to ask, it certainly wasnt a judgement, it just felt more like he sees you as a girlfriend than a partner, so I wondered. It makes sense about the baby being early.on in the relationship. I think you are co parents and girlfriend/boyfriend rather than partners and he doesnt sound keen to move to cohabiting. Might be better to think of him as possibly temporary in your life? Does he shared care for the baby?

deepestdarkestperu · 12/12/2017 08:21

I don't think it necessarily says much about the relationship. If you'd only been together six months when you fell pregnant (no judgement here) that's quite early days and means a lot of changes for his other children. Maybe he doesn't want them to have to deal with a new sibling, step-siblings and a new home all at the same time?

GetOffTheTableMabel · 12/12/2017 08:34

I do actually think you are wrong. I understand want to live with your dp but I agree with him that it's not right for his children, in these circumstances and, I think it's encouraging that he prioritises their feelings in this way.
Look at it from their point of view. You have already said tha they would have to give up some of their toys and that they would not have a bedroom at your house. They are 4 and 6! That is no way for you, or your child, to form a good relationship with them. They will be understandably upset and resentful of you and their sibling.
What would their mother think? How might it affect your dp's co-parenting arrangements with her? Would this be alright with you, if your child were affected this way?
I think you just have to wait/save for a bigger house. You had a child with someone who already had 2 children. It is right that he puts them first. Be pleased about it. He sounds like a good father.
Presumably he stays with you and your dc when his children are not with him?

Original poster

An0nny · 12/12/2017 08:46

I haven't told the whole story here in detail as I didn't want to do my life story and make the post long and ramble-y. I posted because I wanted to know people opinions on the situation as I don't have many people to talk to about it. Before I posted this I was not sure myself whether it could work, hence wanting some outside advice as I definitely can see his point of view, and of course I am very pleased and proud that he does put his kids first and cares deeply about their futures and what is bset for both of them. As I said, I wanted to know whether living in my house was a possible an reasonable thing and something others have done but I do agree that the best thing for everyone would be to wait and save up for a house big enough for everyone.

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 12/12/2017 08:53

Wait. Save up your own money in your own account. You don't know yet if you will have a long term relationship with him.

rizlett · 12/12/2017 08:57

It's not always great all living together. You might find that your relationship is better because you both have time apart and there is much less compromise over the children. Enjoy what you have.

mindutopia · 12/12/2017 09:05

I think obviously you should have thought of this before you decided to create a family together as you have to have the means to support all of you living somewhere that's comfortable and appropriate. I wouldn't be happy with my children not having a permanent room of their own in their own home. I don't think your partner is unreasonable for saying that he thinks it's best for his dc if he stays in his own place where there is room for them. That's smart and that's exactly what I'd do. But it's unfortunate you didn't have this discussion 2 years ago and figure out how you would afford to all live together as your dc together deserves to live with his dad if you are happily together too (but I don't think at the risk of shafting the other 2 kids).

crisscrosscranky · 12/12/2017 09:06

I can't imagine it's cheaper to maintain two households with two lots of rent, utilities etc. It sounds as though that's an excuse and you're at a stalemate- he doesn't want to live at yours and you don't want to move.

I think you need to have a serious chat about the relationship in general- if you have a one year old it's not a new relationship even if you fell pregnant quickly and it seems as though he's not ready to commit to you.

Pinkitis · 12/12/2017 09:08

Do you own your home or do you rent?

deepestdarkestperu · 12/12/2017 09:16

I can't imagine it's cheaper to maintain two households with two lots of rent, utilities etc.

Probably not, but why should he give up his kids home and independence to move in with his girlfriend and her children? If they broke up, his kids would have no home to go to. I think he's being quite sensible and any woman in his position would be advised not to give up her independence.

I think if you want to make a go of things and live together, when DC are involved, it's sensible to rent or buy somewhere together so everyone is on equal footing. I don't think it's fair to expect one party to leave their home (and their DC's home) and give up their security.

Anatidae · 12/12/2017 09:18

I actually side with him on this. He’s putting his existing children first and that’s to his credit.
If you move in together it needs to be somewhere where his kids have the space they need.

purpleme12 · 12/12/2017 09:21

Personally I don't think it's good to move all those children into such a small house no. At the very least there should be 3 bedrooms. Regardless of the state of the relationship I would not want to move a family that have come together into a small house like that.

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