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Original poster

Partner won't move in with me. Am I wrong?

59 replies

An0nny · 12/12/2017 07:27

My partner and I have a 1 year old son together and he also has two children from a previous relationship, 4 and 6 years old. At the moment I live in a 2 bed house with my son and my partner lives in a 2 bed flat separately. His children stay with him every other weekend. He says he won't move in with me into my house as there is not enough room for his children as he wants them to have a room of their own with their own furniture and toys ect as they have quite a bit of stuff at his flat now. However we cannot really afford a 3 bedroom house and I am also a little reluctant to leave my house that I'm in now. Anyway, my question is; am I in the wrong for thinking its okay for his kids to stay with us in our two bed house? As it's only every other weekend I thought we would be able to manage and work something out regarding beds. There is enough space for them to bring some of their toys and keep them at mine (they have A LOT at my partners though so it wouldn't be ALL of it). Do other people manage in a set up like that or am I just being completely unrealistic or unfair as my partner says?

OP posts:
Emeralda · 12/12/2017 09:21

I wouldn't rush into living together, from a practical point of view as it hard to rewind. Have a good read of the Step-parenting section on here. You may think living together will make your life easier. It may not.

What do you perceive living together would bring that you don't have currently? If you think it would mean him being around more for you and the baby, he could do that now, by living with you and just going back to his flat when he has his DC? If it would mean more commitment, talk to him about that. If it's for financial reasons, talk to him about contributing whether he lives with you or not.

Try not to worry about what other people think, and do what's right for you and your DC. Prepare some stock phrases for curious people if it would make you feel more comfortable - "oh yes, it's what works for us, it's great how he manages to be such a great dad to all his kids!" (if he is). "Things may change in the future, life's full of surprises!". It's no-one's business whether the pregnancy was planned. It's all very well people asking curious questions now but I would hate my DS to think he was unplanned when he's older, so I focus on the "happy surprise" angle.

Do you work? Is he supportive and helpful? Do you like where you live? If it ain't broke, don't fix it! You are in a good position at the moment really so don't rush out of it.

Do have a look at the Step-parenting board, if you haven't already.

Good luck Flowers

BestZebbie · 12/12/2017 09:23

Another vote for saving to get a shared 3 bed house.

MagicFajita · 12/12/2017 09:24

Sorry if it's already been asked but is this a financial issue for him? Does he see it as better for you to "be" a single parent on paper or is it him making excuses because he doesn't want to be with you? Without more information it's hard to tell.

BestZebbie · 12/12/2017 09:25

Also.....is he currently at yours a lot when his children aren't with him, doing a full share of parenting - or are you actually a single mum who isn't getting maintenance, with a friends-with-benefits?

InvisibleKittenAttack · 12/12/2017 09:38

Do you own your house or rent it?

If you own, I would look at renting it out and then renting a 3 bed together. If renting it yourself, then I'd question why his rent and yours couldn't add together to make enough to rent a 3 bed.

He should be looking at ways to make this work, that he's not, suggests eh doesn't see you 2 being together long term, is he paying you maintenance now, or as you are 'together' do you not have anything formal in place?

Taylor22 · 12/12/2017 09:48

I think he's right. Where would his children's stuff go? Those are their possessions they've already had to accept a sudden and unexpected sibling how would thy feel if they were also told all of their stuff was being dumped so that they can now sleep on an air bed in the living room? How will you store their toys or clothes without making your home cluttered and messy?
I'm not saying this situation is good. But if you can't magic up at least a three bedroom then I agree with your OH that this is the best it will be for now.

Taylor22 · 12/12/2017 09:49

Also there's the option that he just doesn't want to move in.
Just because you've both had an unexpected pregnancy does not mean the relationship has got to progress that way. If he's not ready to move him and his children in then that is the sensible thing to do as not to cause even more upset with the potential arguing and then the potential breakup.

SD1978 · 12/12/2017 09:57

I don’t blame him for wanting to have space for his children, whilst he may only see them EOW, he may feel that them being in a cramped situation with no space for them or their things. Would make it seem they are less important to him than you and the baby are. Have you discussed a bigger house? Combining both your rent, would surely get you theee bedrooms? Have you discussed that at all? I don’t believe that he doesn’t want to live with you necessarily, but he obviously does want space for his children too.

Myheartbelongsto · 12/12/2017 10:30

Could he be using his children as can excuse, you can hardly argue with his reasons can you.

Cricrichan · 12/12/2017 13:04

I think we'd need to know a lot more to be able to give an opinion on this.

Snowinhell · 12/12/2017 14:09

I think the arrangement you have is much better for the children at present. When my son and partner separated, his children came regularly to stay in his flat. They were both toddlers at the time. 6 years later my son married and over the next few years the children stayed less frequently.

My DiL loved the children and did everything in her power to make their stay happy. It was not easy and as they got bigger there were tensions. They moved to big house but even so the young teens had to share a room with their much younger half brother and sister. The visits gradually got less and less. This was nobody’s fault, and may have happened even if my son still lived alone.They still meet up for meals, and are in regular contact but I know my son really misses their company.

I think your partner is right to be cautious about not moving things on too quickly.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 12/12/2017 17:00

It sounds like he is being very sensible and putting his children first which he should. His access may be limited but they deserve a bedroom and a place to call home.

GladysKnight · 12/12/2017 17:10

OP if you are still reading - lovely that you appreciate what he is doing for his older dcs, I think you are right not to rush it.

As others have said it could be hard for the older ones if he moved in with a new baby and had to share their dad and a bedroom, and I see you get that, which is great. You can see their point of view and his - and not everyone manages that I don't think! It bodes well for you having a good relationship with them as the years go on, hopefully they will be better able to accept and love their little half-sib if they don't feel they are losing any of their dad, but just gaining, if you see what I mean.

btw I have two half sibs (who are a lot younger than me, so it's a bit different), but I love them dearly Smile

Ellisandra · 12/12/2017 17:18

My fiancé and I have chosen to bear the costs of running 2 homes for 2 years, so as not to impact our different sets of children.

Right now, his children have 2 homes. If he moved into your house, it could well not be a home, but a place where they feel they are temporary guests.

I don't necessarily agree with the people saying find a 3 bed. Don't move in together because of an accidental pregnancy. Only move in together when you're both ready and both committed to it.

Where is he the majority of the time when he doesn't have his children? Unless there are other good reasons (lengthy commute for example) I wouldn't even think about living together unless he basically already was, except for EOW.

curryforbreakfast · 12/12/2017 17:23

It's not always great all living together. You might find that your relationship is better because you both have time apart and there is much less compromise over the children. Enjoy what you have

I doubt their child would agree. No thought for him there.

Probably not, but why should he give up his kids home and independence to move in with his girlfriend and her children?

you mean his GF and the child they have together? Hmm

Original poster
An0nny · 12/12/2017 17:41

Hi all,
Thank you for taking the time to read and for the replies. I have read them all and thank you for helping me see a different perspective. It's difficult sometimes to see other people's point of view when you're stuck so much in your own head all the time. As mentioned by someone, more information would probably be needed to give further advice but I'd rather not get into it all. I realise my post probably made me sound very selfish and uncaring towards his children and I'm embarrassed about that as its not the case. I think for the time being we will remain the way we are and perhaps in the future we can look for a home big enough for all of us. Of course I am concerned about my son not having a 'proper family' but at the same time I'm aware that I'm to blame for that as I brought him into this situation! However I am trying to do the best I can. Thanks again for all the responses.

OP posts:
GladysKnight · 12/12/2017 17:46

I don't think you should 'blame' yourself for anything. Proper families don't only come in one shape. The most important thing.for toyr ds is he has your love and I assume that of his dad too and potentially his big sibs. Don't give up an 'unconventional' arrangement that works ok for a 'conventional' one that could cause unhappiness. There is no rush.

SandyY2K · 12/12/2017 17:56

Does he ever stay over in your place? Is he a hands on dad to your child?

The other thing to bear in mind... is that even without you having a baby..he may still not have been ready to move in with you.

curryforbreakfast · 12/12/2017 18:11

How can you be a hands on dad to a child you don't live with? You can't.

Winosaurus · 12/12/2017 18:11

Why is no one considering their child together? Is that child less important because it came last in birth order? I’m sorry but running two household is expensive. YABU not wanting to leave your 2 bed house in order to be able to accommodate his other children abc he is BU by not putting your child together on level pegging with his other children. This is not an equal situation because neither of you are making it that way.
There should be no “independence” when you share a one year old child. You should all be together because otherwise ALL the children are missing out on a sibling relationship with each other, and your child is missing out on living with their father at all.
If you decide not to live together (or ultimately be together) then where does your child factor in? Will he claim there’s not enough room for your child when his other children are there?
All of the children involved here are equally important but for some reason in the land of MN only eye feelings / well-being of the first relationship count Hmm

Winosaurus · 12/12/2017 18:12

The feelings* I meant
Stupid autocorrect

curryforbreakfast · 12/12/2017 18:16

It sounds like he is being very sensible and putting his children first which he should. His access may be limited but they deserve a bedroom and a place to call home

What about his third child? Does he have a bedroom and a home in his house as well? Or his father living with him? He has neither of those things, but apparently child no 3 doesn't matter.

Snowinhell · 12/12/2017 18:27

No-one is saying the third child does not matter. He is too young at present to really notice. The situation for the families is not unusual nowadays. It think it is very harsh to make assumptions and critise.

With love, goodwill and patience all round this will likely turn out to be a very happy blended family. Op, please don’t beat yourself up about this. Many children come into this world unplanned. What is important is how they are raised once they are born. You all sound like you are trying your best.

Taylor22 · 12/12/2017 18:33

At present child number 3 bigger concern is whether or not he's shit himself.
So no. At the moment the children are not comparable.

AngelsSins · 12/12/2017 18:43

If I was him I probably wouldn't want to move, however I also would have been extra careful not to bring a new baby into the mix. The fact is, he has created a baby and that changes everything.

You are not at all unreasonable in wanting him to move in, but you still empathise with his side - that's not aselfish person, so stop being hard on yourself! Does he currently pay maintenance in some way? Does he share parenting? Does he have the baby on his own? Why does he only see his DC once every other week?

My worry is that he likes making babies, but not parenting them, and this is why he doesn't want to move in. I really hope that's not the case.