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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

H being selfish

57 replies

Fulltimeparent · 09/12/2017 08:18

Hi , don't know where to start really told H to get me a milkshake on the way back home because he had gone out of town. Preceding to say he was tired and needed the toilet so he didn't get it. I was really angry and upset being pregnant I really wanted one. Not really talking now I said I only asked for one thing you can't do it for me. I really don't ask for much. He starts shouting and swearing that was 3 days ago . He told my eldest to go and get one what was the point after swearing and shouting. He told me to make a cup of tea I said I wouldn't. I guess I just wanted to vent.

OP posts:

Pinkpillows · 09/12/2017 08:28

It's a milkshake end of the day

Does he often swear and shout to you over petty things?

ScreamingValenta · 09/12/2017 08:38

I think it was a bit harsh of you to be angry over the milkshake as it sounds like your H had a valid reason not to get it - was it the case that you then had a row where you both ended up shouting and swearing, or was it just him? If he often shouts and swears at you, that isn't acceptable - need a bit more context really OP.

NewIdeasToday · 09/12/2017 08:49

Both of you are being very childish. What sort of example are you setting your children?

Original poster

Fulltimeparent · 09/12/2017 08:50

Sreamingvalenta- he does scream and shout often , just thought on the way back home he could get one would have been nice , it's not like l told him I was craving pickles onions in the middle of the night an he would get them not in a million years.
My sister said if she told her H he would have got her one .

OP posts:

ScreamingValenta · 09/12/2017 08:57

I think his shouting and screaming at you as a regular thing is more worrying than not picking up the milkshake, OP. Is your sister aware he's like this? (I ask because it sounds like you confide in her) Are you frightened of him when he does this?

Shoxfordian · 09/12/2017 08:58

He doesn't sound very kind

Is he physically aggressive? He sounds like he can't control his temper

Original poster

Fulltimeparent · 09/12/2017 08:59

Newideas- maybe I am he also forgot our 20 anniversary I got a cake ( saying 20 Years together I love you lots and lots all my love) I didn't get anything I'm pregnant with number 6 he could make a bit more of an effort he has never got me anything after I have each child . Not even a bunch of flowers, maybe I am really emotional this time I just thinking about how long we have been together and just all the things he has done.

OP posts:

JediStoleMyBike · 09/12/2017 09:02

Does he shout and swear at you often? Is there a chance that he thought you were being very unreasonable given his explanation, if he doesn't get like this usually?
If it were me, I would have gone and gotten my own milkshake if it meant that much to me. I have a baby already and I'm pregnant with the second. It's a good excuse for a walk / drive. Or I would have asked him DH to grab me some mix so I could have it in the house for next craving - but I don't think I have the energy to get that bent out of shape over it. I think you both are BU to let this carry on for days - unless more was said than the one sided story here?

MrsBertBibby · 09/12/2017 09:02

You're still sulking about a milkshake after 3 days? I'd bloody shout and swear at you if I were him.

Grow up! You're pregnant, not dying of consumption like a fragile princess.

JediStoleMyBike · 09/12/2017 09:02

Have you told him you want presents afterbirth? I didn't get anything either, didn't expect to? You've got your baby, isn't that enough?

niceupthedance · 09/12/2017 09:03

You could have asked your eldest to go and get it? Sorry but I think if you are prepared to have six children with him then you know what he is like by now.

JediStoleMyBike · 09/12/2017 09:05

And I'm surprised that you don't have more on your mind than a milkshake after three days with six kids?!

ScreamingValenta · 09/12/2017 09:08

Forgetting anniversaries is rubbish, but it happens! I think you need to look more at what to do about these shouting and screaming episodes, which must be distressing for both you and your children. Have you talked to anyone IRL about this?

Pinkpillows · 09/12/2017 09:08

6 children? Wow

Myreputation · 09/12/2017 09:09

You've been married twenty years and you are having your sixth child? I think you know him by now and need to decide if the milkshake incident is important or not.

Original poster

Fulltimeparent · 09/12/2017 09:30

The milkshake doesn't matter now, it's just I wish he would show me some respect swearing and screaming in front of the kids and they think it's ok to also shout at me , when they see their dad doing it he doesn't tell them off for it. I have to be the bad parent and he just lets the kids do what they want he won't support me in making decisions. He speaks nicely to his friends and his side of the family, but he hates mine.

OP posts:

GlitterGlassEye · 09/12/2017 09:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Myreputation · 09/12/2017 09:41

Did you tell him after baby no 1 that you were upset he didn't get you anything? What about baby no 2, 3, 4, 5?

Original poster

Fulltimeparent · 09/12/2017 09:41

The 6th pregnancy wasn't planned the coil fell out. I just want him to appreciate me a bit more , he doesn't know how to iron or help with any of the house work on this days off he just sleeps and watches tv.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fulltimeparent · 09/12/2017 09:49

Before this happened I did hint at a present after I have this child . Will just have to wait and see. I don't know how to feel u just remember this one time in hospital other husbands bringing flowers and other things for their wives , just feeling low I don't think anyone on here understands.

OP posts:

GlitterGlassEye · 09/12/2017 09:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DianaT1969 · 09/12/2017 09:51

Not to excuse his shouting at all, but it sounds like you are hard work too OP. You are scoring him minus points for not getting you gifts in the past (if he isn't a mind reader and had his hands full looking after the other 1-5 kids, you could let that one go) or a milkshake when it wasn't convenient for him to get you one. Then you sulked.
Are you looking for proof of your relationship in gifts, gestures because you want to feel adored? Maybe at this stage the best you can aim for is a mutually respectful, kind and supportive relationship.
You must have seen something good in him and your relationship to stay with him for 20 years and have 6 children together. You chose this. I suggest talking quietly away from the kids, calmly with no blame or bringing up past grudges and ask him what he needs from you. Listen to him because you need to know what's fuelling his anger if this is new behaviour.
Maybe counselling at Relate?

Myreputation · 09/12/2017 10:01

Don’t hint. Tell him what you want and how hurt and undervalued you feel. You can’t expect a present if he hasn’t got you one for the last five babies so you will have to tell him.

JediStoleMyBike · 09/12/2017 10:08

When I had our first baby my husband wasnt allowed on the ward so went home at 4am after my EMCS and arrived at 8am with a costa late for me. Did I give a shit that I didn't receive flowers? No! Would have been the worst thing to receive as I would have had to fuss getting them home again, sorting them into a vase.
If he shouts and swears that isn't good, but is there any chance you are acting so unreasonably that it's wearing him out? It sounds like you may have unrealistic expectations of him.

Offred · 09/12/2017 10:11

I think you both need to grow up TBH. And if this is real then split up, it is not good enough to raise children in a relationship that involves this much shouting and swearing and sulking and point scoring.

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